As a firm believer in the all knowing truth that the Lord God himself invented the flushing toilet I am delighted to announce that my new Free School, McSpinnyeyes School for the Mentally Great, should be up and running quicker than Toby Young can spout his usual offensive old trollop about any subject whatsoever.

People have voiced objections to my good self, and the talking monkey boy that lives in my head and tells me to hang around outside the nurse’s changing rooms, that maybe Free Schools – fully funded by the taxpayer but answerable to no one in particular where subjects can be chosen by whoever runs the school – are basically exclusive and a chance for fat cats to rake in lots of lovely cash off the gullible types like Jocasta and Quentin Smytheworthy, both bursting at the seams with loot and gagging to have their spawn – U-Bend and Rotary Engine Smytheworthy – indoctrinated into a place where they don’t have to hang about with poor people. And they’re completely right. Let’s face it, if you had the mullah to hand would you want your carefully monitored gene carriers to start messing around with the proles when they could be swapping big bags of money with their equally lucrative chums.

Of course not.
Some people – mainly the ones who smell funny and wave placards in my face every time I punch an orphaned kitten in the face whilst standing on a big pile of taxpayer’s money and laughing like a drain – have the bizarre notion that my school will somehow teach whacky and ‘offbeat’ subjects, like how to whisk an egg with a kangaroo and suchlike, but this was merely part of the initial curriculum and has since been phased out by lessons in how to beat a pauper to death with a wombat. And just because I believe God is the Voice of all Truth and have had previous convictions in the past for trying to burn down hospitals for housing the unwashed and Godless that doesn’t mean I am not a fit member to run such an establishment as this. In fact, as I was saying to the screaming masses of angry lower class beardy lefties who regularly protest outside my perfectly legitimate God sanctioned Arms Trading shows which definitely doesn’t condone the flogging of torture equipment to dodgy regimes with no questions asked if you know what I mean squire, a history of mental illness can only be a good thing when taking control of your offspring’s educational future, standing as it does for an example of triumph over adversity.

Of course, before I optioned such a path in my life I looked deep into my soul and asked the Lord God for advice, opening myself to his wisdom, for such is the way of the Lord and all his pointy-headed angels. “Dunno, guv,” he said, shrugging in his enigmatic way. “Why not. Couldn’t help, cor blimey, strike a light, etc.” He then asked me to sign for the package he was delivering and got back into his Godmobile, which he had chosen to take the form of a Parcel Force Carrier van, and then buggered off, probably to do something really religious involving lepers or something.

But I say unto you this: We have had a system of privileges for the toffs in education in this country going back CENTURIES! Do you really think the ruling classes and the types who regularly play Bingo with your financial future get their hard worn knowledge off anywhere but the most private of schools and colleges. Their families have, in the majority, spent a lot of time and effort working for their inheritance, and if they’ve got the readies burning a hole in their pocket why shouldn’t they cough up for the best education they can bribe for. Any parent wants the best for their child, and if that means living in an exclusive environment where they live in a plastic bubble and spend their lives cut off from the rest of humanity, growing up with no clear idea of what the real world is like and inured from the harsh realities of the day-to-day existence most of the populace live, then that’s surely a good thing. After all, it’s that kind of education which led the people who run credit ratings firms to downgrade countries like Spain and Greece so they could claw in as much cash as possible while laughing as civilisations tore themselves apart in panic and grief, probably playing with their wibbly parts as they watched people suffer, I imagine. And why not?! They’ve earned the privilege! They’ve spent YEARS learning how to disassociate themselves from feelings and thoughts.

However, most Free Schools will not be like this, according to the Government, and we all know we can trust them, right, people? When have they ever lied to us, and if anyone mentions the NHS they can stop reading this article right now! Free Schools are merely an option for those who wish to school their brethren in an alternative way to the mainstream. And not only that, it releases some of the burden from state run schools which have to deal with underfunding, overcrowding and sometimes poor facilities and teaching methods. Free Schools will allow the state and the local councils to target resources in a more effective manner, and will definitely not be a breeding ground for stuck up ponces with too much money and not enough sense.

Some moaning socialists might state the fact that the governing boards of Free Schools are actually using hard earned tax payers money to line their own pockets while teaching any old toss they like. And they’re right. Which is why I’m free to run classes such as ‘God Will Kill You If You Touch Your Winkie’.

So please, send your brethren to McSpinnyeyes School for the Mentally Great where our motto is Rideo risi risum procul Paupers Dum Flicking V’s – ‘Laugh at the Paupers Whilst Flicking the V’s.’