Archive for July, 2013

Atos – what’s that all about, eh? Quite possibly ‘A Load of Toss’ if you ask me.

But let’s face it, ladies and gentleman, in today’s cutting edge cut throat business world it makes sound economic sense to back the company which will produce the required results for a fraction of the cost.  And yes, it has been reported that they’ve refused to allow people in wheelchairs into their assessment rooms and consistently had their judgements overturned by tribunals, but in the long run they produce value for money and many of their top level management have paid to see my award winning rock opera futurist fantasy ‘We Will Wank You’, based on the classic rock stylings of 90s legends Bum Gravy, so they can’t be all bad.

 Jeremy Hunt – more like Jeremy Penis!

Although it’s wrong to actually criticise the hard work many government ministers put into their jobs.  Having had many of them send me congratulatory notes about my last sitcom ‘It’s Elf N Safety Gorn Mad’ about the comedy situations of an average over-acted health and safety department in a bog roll factory I understand the predicament many of them are in.  The facts are the departments they manage are given a set sum of money and they have to balance costly and over-staffed public services with it, and sometimes certain services which have proved helpful to a minority interest must fall to the sword at the end of the day.   (And for those of you who expected the usual ‘Jeremy Ladies Front Bottom’ gag out of me, shame on you – I too have worn dungarees in the right for women’s justice.)

 Capital punishment – more like ‘Capital Rubbishment’ if you ask me!

Capital punishment is a harsh and cruel system of dealing with the crimes of today, and should be frowned upon by all right thinking nations (and I don’t mean right as in ‘Tory’, eh Normo Tebs and Thatch!  Although not Thatch as she’s dead, and it’s not fair to lampoon our once beloved leaders once they’ve snuffed it.)  On the other hand society is going to hell in a hand basket, and today’s bobby on the beat needs to be tooled up to do his job properly.  If a few people get wasted on the side-lines then that’s the price we have to pay for a modern inclusive society which OBEYS THE RULES!!

 Sterilisation of the poor – more like a sterility of modern social and political thinking, if you ask me!

But seriously, ladies and gentlemen, today’s youth are running out of control, and it’s always the poor who are causing trouble.  When we had the riots in London a few miles away from my Hampshire mansion patrolled by Fuckaprole Security Services it struck me that what today’s youth need is a lesson in manners. The press keep bleating on about them having no future, no jobs, no hope, no-one to listen to them, but every time I see them on the news they have mobile phones and clothes.  Probably shoes as well.  What they really need is a spell in prison or the army!  I’m not saying we should exterminate the lower classes, but maybe just inter them in some sort of camp where they can’t abuse me in the street and call me a Royalist toadying goggle eyed bellend.

 BBC – I’ll tell you what that stands for – Bastard Bloody Corporation!

Apologies for the bad language, ladies and gentleman, but sometimes a subject is so abhorrent and evil that it requires the use of four letter words, like ‘Fucking bastard shitface television programme commissioners’ or ‘Shitty wankbollocks Heads of Light Cocking Entertainment.’  If they had any sense of judgement they would have seen the genius of a second series of whatever I was writing like they did back in the good old days of my historical drama comedy ‘Mr Bendy Face Goes Nasty’ with that talentless cunt and great showbiz mate Cichard Rurtis and my ground breaking show ‘Not The Old Ones’, also written by some other people as well who didn’t do much and whose names I have forgotten.  Let’s face it, the BBC needs a new Director-General, one with a nice pair of glasses ,perhaps, and a pseudo mockney accent, who would make great shows like ‘Andrew Lloyd Webber – Genius or Great Mate’ and ‘Make Alexei Sayle Stop Saying Horrid Things About Me’.

 Lefties – more like Knobbies!

And this has nothing to do with the fact that they all go ‘Elt, my old mate, how come you’ve turned your back on your original beliefs and started hanging out with a load of Royals and Tories and basically rejecting everything you said you stood for in the past like a turncoat little shitehawk’ because that never happens.  I mean old school lefties who refuse to move with the times and realise Thatch was right all along.  Look at Labour.  They’ve got the message.  They’ve understood that the poor are scum even though they make up the majority of the population, and we should spend more time listening to middle class people who own houses and cars and such-like, and maybe give tax breaks to rich people and privatise all public resources and put the disabled into gulags to work for their right to live and only give health care to those who can afford it and stop welfare to anyone and cut all aid to food stations and charities and destroy any social order by condemning the poor and instigate hatred for foreigners by demonising immigrants and in fact pull out of all human rights legislation and enforce a military state on these glorious British Isles and turn this country into a fiefdom where me and all my friends rule and everyone else CAN FUCK OFF AND DIE!!

Credibility – more like –

Well, the less said about this the better…

 My name’s Elt Benton – GOODNIGHT!

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