There’s nothing more that your average Brit loves than gathering around the Parliament Channel and watching our rugged party leaders spellbind us all with their ideological rhetoric and shadow puppet theatre. We sent our ace reporter Acelington Reportertage, out into the field to gather the views of the public.
Bob Bobbington – Normal Bloke
Fucking ‘One Nation’ bastard Labour – every time one of their grinning minions pops up on the bastard Andrew Marr show or the ITV Screws they have to bang this bloody catchphrase out. It’s almost like some massive penis in the spin department has decided the party needed a handy slogan to pin all their fucking policies on, because, you know, the general public can’t handle the concept of policies an’ stuff – much better to spam them over the bonce with some cunty catchphrase and hope the witless bellends don’t feel so patronised they end up voting for the Bloody Rubbish Party (this could be any party, so take your pick.)
Stalin Niceworthy – Labour Candidate
Well, some massive penis back at Labour Central – which is an underground volcano, by the way – told us the general public were a bunch of dozy, slack jawed, drooling cow beasts and they couldn’t even spell ‘policies’ let alone watch us lie about them, so it would better for the party if we came up with a handy slogan to keep the sort of people who get distracted by shiny objects voting for us. Ed Balls came up with ‘Come and Tickle My Balls’ but it was thought ‘One Nation Labour’ would be more patronising. I optioned ‘The Tories Are Cunts’ but that was deemed to be too subtle. Can I have a sweetie now?
Bastard McShitknackers – Tory Grandee
‘Thatcher was great!’ ‘All kneel before General Zod!’ ‘Clean the wench up and have her delivered to my room!’ All these were our original slogans for the party conference, until we came up with ‘Fuck Me, We’re Not Up North, Are We?’ as the conference takes place in That Manchester. Quite frankly I’ll be taking the limo and walking around in a suit of armour, as they’re all thieves and cattle rustlers up there, and not being north of Richmond Park without my butler might make me wee my pants. On another topic, I fucking hate the lower classes, and the sooner we gas the oiks the better. I’ll let you into a little secret – when we’re talking about ‘badger culling’ we’re not really talking about badgers. Now get out of my way – I’ve got a big eyed orphan puppy with an injured paw to drown in a bucket of urine and money!
Alphonse Tarquin Babykiller Farquington – Tory Voter
The problem with the party system we have at the moment is they’re very geared towards a short termist thinking, so we get the problem where a party elected for four to five years is gearing their entire social and economic ideology to getting themselves re-elected. They feel they have to appeal to the widest, most populist demographic which sometimes goes against the initial party philosophy, so we get a situation where Cameron is talking about an inclusive society and Milliband is for harsher border controls. From a social and intellectual standpoint politics is the culture of the insane, driven by egotists for personal gain. If politics had an ounce of sense it would benefit everyone for the better good. But as a Tory, from a personal basis, I believe we should have a daily gathering where the rich all do a massive shit on the poor and then wipe their arses with thousand pound notes. I fucking hate paupers! KILL THEM ALL!
Wibbling Trousers – Lib Dem Spokesbody
I like being in power. I think Westminster is great. They have a big bouncy castle and when it’s time for Prime Ministers Question Time we all get out of our nappies and into nice suits and my tie is too tight, and then we have to sit in rows and shout at each other and it’s fun. Last week I called Dennis Skinner ‘a big plophead’ because he was rude to me and took all my pocket money, and then George Osbourne did a big fart in my face and laughed and then John Bercow showed me some naughty pictures of his wife and I felt all funny in my trousers and then we all voted on the Transparency of Lobbying, Non-Party Campaigning and Trade Union Administration Bill, which is a smelly bill.
Scrotey Old Knackers – Toilet Attendent
Yeah, we get a lot of them politicians hanging around outside the lavs come conference time. It used to be the Tories all the time but now it’s a load of Lib Dems looking for badgers. I just get me broom out and shift them along.
Swivel Eyed Nuttypants – UKIP Candidate
I remember a short speech given by one of our founder members. It went ‘The application of force alone, without moral support based on a spiritual concept, can never bring about the destruction of an idea or arrest the propagation of it, unless one is ready and able ruthlessly to exterminate the last upholders of that idea even to a man, and also wipe out any tradition which it may tend to leave behind.’ No, hold on, that was Hitler. Still, it certainly provided me and my UKIP pals with a lot of motivation, because we are a bunch of massive racist, bigoted, moronic drooling swivel eyed cockwits, and anyone who votes for us can no longer exist in the civilised world. Like the Tories we despise everyone beneath us, and would probably feel happier under a fascistic dictatorial regime. And we all have tiny penises.
Lovely Trousers – Green Party
Vote for us and get free tree hugging lessons. Just don’t ask us about the economy.
Mr McSweary – Swearing Champion
Fuck shit cunt piss wank.
Mrs McSweary – His Wife
And that concludes out whacky look into the wonderful world of political conferences.