Archive for October, 2013

What is Satire?

Posted: October 22, 2013 in Politics - sort it aht!

Politics and media are becoming more and more like their satirical bed fellows over the past few years.  Where once we used to laugh at the suggestion that the Prime Minister would shove his head into a toilet full of shit for the sake of a few votes it is now a daily occurrence.  So we decided to gather the views of some the great satirists from the past few decades to get their opinions on the state of modern politics and how comedy can best reflect this.

Jeremiah Tarquinbugger

Political Comedy Writer

Modern politics has become a lot more ruthless these days than when we produced our satirical swipe at Westminster ‘Shut The Fuck Up, Prime Minister’.  For instance, in the episode where Humphrey Dickspanner has to explain the vagaries of the civil service and its relationship with the press we had Humphrey explain in a convoluted fashion with much sarcasm and raised eyebrows the exact machinations of Whitehall to the PM, John Donkeycock, who looked a bit goggle eyed and slack jawed and then said something stupid.  These days, in our follow up, ‘Lick My Balls, You Ministerial Twat’ we have to be a lot harsher.  In the remake he simply sticks the PM’s head in a bucket and hits it with a cricket bat.  The approach is different, but the intention is the same.

Jimmy Scouser

Proffessional Stand Up Comedian

Back in the seventies comedy was all about fat men in tight suits telling jokes about mother-in-laws, and this was obviously a big influence on me.  But, although the jokes had punchlines, they were a big pile of festering old cock sores.  The People needed hard hitting political satire.  They needed jokes about Thatcher and Tebbit .  In fact, I remember a big eyed baby orphaned puppy with an injured paw coming up to me once day and saying ‘Jimmy, The People need to hear your voice’.  So I set to bring down western democracy with jokes about Ford Cortinas and pork pie hats.  And I did.  Which is why, thanks to my cutting edge political satire, we now live in a world of peace and harmony where posh gits who spent their years in Cambridge touching each other’s bottoms have no chance of getting into power.

Lordy Nicepants

Wobble Headed Twat

People often say to me “Fuck off, you’re shit.”  And then other people say, “Hey, Mr Nicepants, how come you’re always doing sub-Victoria Wood material about going shopping and basically just observing people and then commenting on it when there’s a world of politics and social injustice out there to extract the urine from.”  But they’re missing the point about my special brand of manufactured inoffensiveness.  After all, I believe the world of comedy should be big enough to contain all varieties of comedy, from the right on political stance of satire to the gentle comedy of rich bastards like me.  After all, look at Adrian Edmonson.  He spent his formative years indulging in the filth of slapstic comedy, only to get sensible and then go around cooking stuff and being a bit of a middle class cunt drowning in his own smugness, which is why I like him so much.  You see, comedy is not always about making people laugh at those in power, or making people laugh, come to think of it.

Guiseppe Stereotypico

Creator of TV series ‘The Shit of It’ and the film ‘In The Shit’.

I did a funny programme.  It had people shouting.  All the people in the houses of parliament are stupid and I show that and they cant do things right and they all are rubbish and there is a scottish man who shouts at the politicians when labour were in power and then labour lost and the scottish man still shouts at them and everybody does a lot of sighing and then the scottish man says rude things to people and everyone doesn’t punch him and I can’t tell any of the characters apart as they all act and sound the same but it doesn’t matter because I won awards and went to america and now everyone says I am great as I do that politics stuff and because there is no spitting image on anymore everyone says I am great and cutting edge instead of just average.

Lord Peter Dicksplash

Dead Bloke and host of Through My Arsehole

To be honest it was fucking dull.  In front of the camera we looked like a bunch of incestuous Oxbridge educated badger’s knackers, but the reality was we were all pissed up beer boys from the East End.  That’s why we had so many jokes about jellied eels.  The average writing day would start when we rolled out of beds clutching bottles of Scotch.  We’d then fuck off down the juicer for a few lagers and then flick the V’s at the newspapers and call each other ‘cunts’, which would then be followed by someone going off for a big shit and then writing the whole fucking programme on the lavs.  By the time we got to the studio we were so cunted we appeared to be posh, rather than the cockney cor blimey knees up apples-and-pears chim-chimminy, lord luvva duck cockneys fuckbollocks alkies we really were.  I didn’t realised it was cutting edge satire until that bastard twatted Bernard ‘The Hammer’ Levin.

Comedy has evolved over the past few decades.  From the quaint chucklesome racism of Them Foreign Types Next Door to the massive sell out stadium Enormodome gigs by bland wallpaper comedian Michael McIntyre, the industry of getting people to laugh at knob gags has evolved.  In this article we look back at the evolution of comedy (and probably use the word ‘bellend’ now and then).

Bellendy McBellend – Scientist In Charge of Knob Gags – Cambridge

It’s a little known fact about comedians that the personalities they evince onstage are diametrically opposite to what they are actually like.  For instance, Jimmy Carr comes across as standoffish and acerbic on stage when in actual fact he’s an approachable, likeable character who will spend many hours signing autographs and having photographs taken after a show.  On the other extreme Michael McIntyre comes across as jovial and jolly on stage with his shaky-head observational material, but off stage he stamps puppies to death and hates you all.  Bill Bailey – chirpy, slightly dazed comedy songsmith and befuddled nice man on stage – off stage a security guard at Auschwitz during the second world war.  Ben Elton comes across as a massively greedy, grasping monetarist cockend, and that’s because he is.

Chuckles O’Racist – Old Style 70s Comedian

The problem with a lot of these so called modern alternative comedians is they curse and fookin’ swear too much, the coonts.  They don’t understand that what the audience really want is pure, straightforward racial ‘atred.  You’ve still got a few new comedians trying the old material out.  Why,, ee bye gum, ‘appen, whippet, coalmine, flatcap, etc, I saw that Nick Griffin doing one of me old routines on that Question Time a few years ago, and by eck,  ‘ee needs to work on his routine.  Mind you, I saw ‘im do a stint down at the Dog an’ Tramshed last year and ‘ee was so successful we ended up burning Krishnan Guru-Murthy in effigy.

Shouty O’Fatty – 80s Style Comedian and Available for Hire

When I was an up-and-coming comedian the scene was all about shouting at the Tories.  I could do an entire four hours set just shouting at a picture of Mags Thatch and have them rolling in the aisles.  Of course, these days I prefer to do adverts for washing up powder, along with my great showbiz mates who all started out on the alternative comedy scene.  You see, as you get older and you need a new Bugatti the parameters change about what infuriates you.  In the old days it was injustice and prejudice, whereas nowadays it’s the draconian laws about not beating your servants.  Now, you’ll have to excuse me as I need to hang out with my great mate Elt Benton and meet Dave Cams as he’s asked us to play at his son’s birthday party.  OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE!!??  IS THERE NOTHING I WON’T DO TO GET A FEW COINS IN MY GREEDY FAT POCKETS!!!!

Lionel Strumpetfanny – Channel Four Sitcom Writer and Twat

Comedy today can be a bit more subtle than in the old days.  I did two series of the not-smash hit comedy series Tossers In The Hospital Wing which everyone loved except the general public who didn’t watch it, and felt no need whatsoever to stick to outdated concepts like jokes.  It’s a much more uncompromising to scatter a series of semi-surreal incidents throughout a show than to try and make people laugh, which is way too easy.  (Author’s note – apologies to everyone for this rather lame send-up concerning Green Wing.  Truth is, I fucking hate Green Wing, which would be about as funny as genital warts, except you can get a laugh out of saying ‘genital warts’.  ‘Oh, it was so funny and surreal, the way it was self-consciously a fucking massive pile of old piss-stained jizz biscuits’.  Fuck off!!  Mind you, there are tons of shit sitcoms out there.  There’s some massive cak on at the moment about some people making jokes about the hilarious subject of rape – London Irish, that’s the cunt!  Yes, there should be room for all kinds of comedy, no matter how shocking it may be (just look at South Park) but you have to make the cunting cunt FUNNY in the first place, you myopic shit twat wankbuckets!!  Fuck them!  Anyway, strayed off the point there – note to sitcom writers, try and spend less time being clever and more time trying to be fucking funny, you cunts.)

Elt Benton – Royal Correspondent for the London Palladium

I don’t agree with the above diatribe.  Comedy should be boring and clever, which is why, when I wrote Elf N Safety Gorn Mad, I made sure I included no jokes in it.

Comfortable Trousers – Observational Comedian

I find things funny.  When I look at people in the supermarkets I think to myself ‘hmm, that lady can’t decide what type of cheese to buy because there are so many varieties.  That is funny.  I can get 10 minutes out of that.’  Watching people and then saying what they do is something we can all identify with, and from a work point of view it gives me more time to roll around in a big pile of gold as I write my next show ‘I’m Just Like You (But With a Shitload of Cash)’.

Blibble Trousers Pancake – Performance Comedian

Comedy should transcend humour.  My show, Bendy With Elephants, which played for four seconds at the Edinburgh Fringe, was notable for not actually existing.  Comedy is like a beautiful snowflake jizzing over the baps of life – oh fuck, that almost sounded humorous.  Bollocks.  I’ll have to nail my big hairy comedy knackers to the table as penance now.  Hang on, if I called it Cheesecake Express I could get a new Fringe show out of it.

Chinny O’Stroke – Doctor of Farting – Oxford

Comedy is a broad ranging church.  From not-funny sitcoms like Green Wing to not-funny comedians like Michael McIntyre, comedy can encompass many viewpoints and types.  One man’s meat is another man’s poison, as they say.  The comedy observations of Rhod Gilbert may make you laugh so hard you shit your pants, whereas the political stylings of Alexi Sayle may tickle your clematis and also make you laugh so hard you shit your pants.  On the other hand the surrealist wordplay of Eddie Izzard is the pant shitter protagonist for you, or mayhap it’s the wry intellectuality of Stewart Lee which causes a great deal of the shitting of the pants.  Maybe a joke about shitting your pants will make you shit your pants, or an amusing rhyming couplet based around shitting your pants will make you laugh a bit.  And then shit your pants.  But whatever your preference, one thing I think we can all agree on, is that Bernard Manning was a fat racist cunt.

After much criticism over the last few years about austerity cuts and unfairly targeting the poor to pay for the mistakes engendered by the rich, Conservative Central Office had commissioned a report to look into the reality behind the headlines, which involved interviews with a wide range of people across all spectrums of life.  Here is a cross section of the interviews, and they were definitely not made up by George Osbourne, Jeremy Cunt, or any of that lot.

 Donald Scrote – Unemployed Scrounger

It’s true.  George Osbourne was right all along.  There’s nothing I like better than to sit back on my amazingly fat and indolent backside and spend the day camped out in front of Jeremy Kyle.  I like it when he attacks people for being poor or rubbish, because that’s what we need at the end of the day.  A right good kick up the arse.  It’s no good giving us money and future prospects or disability allowance because we’d only go and waste it anyway.  Especially the disability allowance bit.  I tell you, there’s a bloke down the street with no head who gets a ton of money from saying he’s disabled, but we happen to know it’s all a scam and he really does have a head.  And a car made of gold and run on the Queen’s tears which he pays for with the millions he earns off the disability.

You see, this is where the government have got it right for a change.  No one liked it when they pretended to be nice to the poor and disenfranchised.  The only thing we really understand is a short, sharp, shock.  We love begging as well, because it gets us out into the sunshine, but don’t give us any money as it only encourages us.  And we all live in mansions.  Like my mate Rob here.

Rob Millionaire – Begger

Donald’s right.  I was living in New York when I suddenly realised how boring my life had become.  Sure, making a million bucks a second was pretty groovy, but what I really wanted to was to have the blood freeze in my veins on a cold winter night and smell of piss.  There are ‘charities’ out there who claim that a lot of people on the streets are out there through no fault of their own or are suffering from a psychological disorder, but the only disorder we really suffer from is having too much money.  And don’t feel sorry for us if you see us, because yesterday I kicked a puppy to death and then laughed and then went back to my swanky pad and bathed in gold, and that’s what every single homeless person does, which is why the lovely Tory party have shut down all the overnight shelters.

Gerald Foreigner – Immigrant

You are all infidel scum and we shall overthrow your decadent Western ways with the mighty sword of whatever stereotype I am representing at this moment in time.  I have plenty of money back in my homeland of Madeupistan but because I despise your free and open society so much I wanted to try and destroy the country from within by coming over and immediately dismantling your beloved National Health Service by asking for a plaster.  And after that I joined your lickspittle running dog dole office where I forced the simpering public sector worker to hand over all the money in the Bank of England before sleeping with their wife/husband (deplete as applicable).  When the heroic immigration service finally trapped me in a sting operation involving the SAS they deported me back to my own country where there is definitely no torture and they definitely did not nail my testicles to a table at all.  And the people who forced me onto the plane by punching me repeatedly about the head and neck were only engaging in an age old custom of mine and are not racist bigoted thugs.

Gemima Kittenkiller – Public Sector Worker

You poor, stupid fools – everytime an OAP dies of cold a public sector worker earns a bonus.  We live on the suffering of the huddled masses in our palatial mansions where we pour scorn on the working classes.  Why, I was only saying to my manager yesterday as we swam about in a pool of blood we’d recently leeched out of the ministers budgets about how much I enjoy the suffering of people and am glad the people on the street aren’t aware of the billions we make selling children’s organs to rich millionaire migrant dole scrounging second-room owning council flat tenants.  He agreed, and then we killed some more orphaned middle class Tory voters.

Martin Charitygiver – Hedge Fund Trader

After a hard day helping lame kittens and big eyed puppies I only have a few hours left to attend to my real job, keeping the stock market flourishing in the futures market and definitely not being involved in anything dodgy.  You know, us stock market johnnies get a rum old deal by those Labour lot and so called ‘investigative journalists’, and the truth is we’ve been made a scapegoat.  We’re far too busy helping down at the soup kitchens (which only cater to scrounging millionaires, by the way – if you see any footage of anyone filthy and living off the street, probably rooting around in bins and suchlike, I happen to know they’re all the Viscount BastardBollocks, an evil dictator who rules the land of Something Or Other (note to report johnnies – fill this in with something evil and foreign) to have anything to do with knowingly fucking up the stock market to make a quick buck.

Derek Cunt – Labour Candidate

We hate you all!!