Archive for November, 2013

We’ve all been reading scare stories over the last few years about how the Conservative and Liberal Alliance are going to slash the cost of welfare to the disabled.The doom mongers and nay-sayers amongst the ‘factommunists’ have been filtering out propaganda associated with the alleged loss of liberty and sometimes breathing that can be associated with stream-lining the gold plated cheque books disability allowances that allow the alternatively fortunate amongst us to carry on with their Ferrari collections.  But one thing these people fail to propagate is the reality behind the crocodile tears of those with ‘disabilities’.  Take these slices of cold hard reality gleaned from stories from liberal media organisations such as The Mail, the Sun, and the Express:

‘Johnny Nolegs received an average monthly welfare gift of over four million every five seconds from the kind hearted workers at the local Conservative party.  With that money Johnny built himself a giant spaceship that went around smashing orphanages and punching old ladies in the fanny.  When cornered by our brave bobbies armed with nothing more than goose feathers Johnny was reported to have said, “Ha ha – I’m glad I’m disabled and actually I have legs, but choose not to wear them.  Now give me some children to eat!” before he unfortunately fell down some stairs.’

‘An alleged chronic back pain sufferer and manic depressive, Bobby Bollocks, was today finally cornered, arrested, and fined for stamping on bags of orphaned kittens and puppies.  When asked by the judge why he chose to commit such acts Bobby replied “Because I despise all your hu-man ways and ideals.  One day my race will return from the stars and wipe the planet clean from your filthy earth scum unless you destroy us now by cutting off all our benefits.”  Later on Bobby unfortunately fell down some stairs.’

‘For years Jemima Lovelipants had been helping out down the local soup kitchens, working to raise several billion for local charities and generally being an upstanding member of the community.  Last month Jemima was diagnosed with having a dodgy hip and it was recommended by some ponce in glasses and a woolly jumper who probably belonged to Greenpeace and had sex with flowers that she be given disability allowance and counselling to help her cope with the pain.  Overnight Jemima changed from a lovely sweet grey haired old granny to a ten foot killer robot called Destroymo.  The Angryboot 2000 then proceeded to devastate the downtown area of Skegness before eventually going on to wipe most of civilisation from the face of the world and then enslave the survivors for a million years of orphaned kitten stomping purgatory.  Luckily the local council were forced to suspend her benefits last week and she returned to normal before falling down some stairs.’

And these are all one hundred per cent true.  The problem is you can’t trust people who claim to be disabled.  As we’ve all seen from the tabloid front covers once every 5 months over the last few years, if somebody claims they need a wheelchair you can guarantee that they’ll be up and playing football before the first voluminous cheque has been cashed in their off shore Swiss bank accounts.  I’ve heard tales of people going to fight in far off countries and stepping on land mines on purpose in an effort to claim the millions they can get from the benefits this country hands out.  Post-traumatic stress disorder is just another word for being happy.

But even amongst the disabled themselves there is an hierarchy.  At least those with missing limbs, crutches and wheelchairs have the good grace to show us their disabilities – there are some that suffer from psychological disorders who can’t even be bothered to hang around shopping centres and flick the V’s at buildings, which is just bad manners.

But the disabled are a sneaky and villainous lot.  As they smile with one hand and shake a tin of coins in your face their barely human criminal fraternity are robbing your houses and weeing through your letterbox.  All crime ever is caused by some gentleman in a top hat, a big curly moustache and a pair of crutches.  And they may pretend to be blind, death and mute, but secretly they can see, hear and speak and spend all their time when they’re not punching nuns laughing about how gullible the benefit system is before going down to the local graveyard to burn Joanna Lumley in effigy and raise their devil Lord Satan and all his pixie chums.

Let’s face it, on the evidence supplied by the tabloids and ATOS I can say with all honesty that everyone who has ever claimed to have a disability, whether it’s visible or not, is obviously lying and doesn’t need the money.  When every person is diagnosed with some condition the bleeding hearts describe as a ‘disability’ they are instantly handed a million pounds by Labour and told to go and shoot the Queen.  They are the vermin scourge that stalks this land, and our future will only be safe if we stop giving them money and maybe lock them up out of sight.  After all, we do not need these people cluttering up the streets and making the country look untidy, which is why the government are aiming to cut all disability payments and make them get jobs in circuses where we can laugh at them.

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Godfrey Bloom is man who has divided opinion throughout the country with his outspoken views on everything from women’s rights to the bombing of the Rainbow Warrior.  No stranger to controversy, Bloom has made a career out of his outspoken views, from being wrong about immigration to being wrong about climate change.  Godfrey Bloom, the independent Member of the European Parliament for Yorkshire and the Humber, has variously been referred to as a cunt, a shitbag, a massive twat, a cheesy great donkey’s cockwit, a gibbering dribbling spinny eyed fuck nugget, a witless excuse for occupying breathing space, a testicle headed wart, a candidate for further research into the effects of being a massive tool, a reason why politics is seen as the breeding ground for clueless fuckwitted arse biscuits, a reason why all politicians should just fuck off and die, a shitwit, a gibbering fucking pointless existence, a big slap headed dildo, a festering boil on the disease ridden foreskin of humanity, so low even pond scum think the area has gone downhill when he’s around, a shit riddled clagnut hanging off the backside of life, so clueless he even managed to get wound up by Michael Crick, a shrill and boorish venereal disease, the reason why dinosaurs died out as an alternative to meeting this cunt, a tedious and ultimately empty vacuum of self-interest, a hypocritical sense-averse dick spanner, a cunty cunt fuck cunt wank, and an open invitation to sterilise the rich, all by me just then.

Coincidentally The Oxford English Dictionary has also released it’s ‘word of the year’ – selfie – which means ‘to be a dick’.  Probably.  With this in mind the editors of Sortitaht have requested Godfrey Donkeybollocks Fuckwitt Bloom The Third to come up with some of his own definitions for words.  The results, I think you’ll find, are completely predictable:

Female:  Slut.

Prostitute:  Too expensive by half.

Human Rights:  Fascistic political correctness taking the honesty out of the English language which allows people to refer to them foreign types in a plain and honest manner, even if it may sometimes cause offence.

Equal Rights:  Yet another leftie conspiracy to rob the rich of their power and hand the government over to a bunch of tofu eating tree huggers.

Racism:  Strong, honest debate.

UKIP:  Lefties.

Germany:  They’re planning something – just you wait and see.

Spanking:  Honest and decent way to keep middle aged politicians in line, preferably carried out while trussed up like a Christmas turkey with a chair-leg rammed up the bottom.

Television:  Something to keep the proles occupied while we legitimately rob them.

Feminism:  If God had meant women to be equal he would have given them penises and the ability to open jam jars.

Penis:  Two inches of solid thrusting massive purple helmeted manhood.

Roma:  Swan eating donkey murdering scavengers, even if the papers did make it up and had to apologise, but despite this we should not let facts cloud our hasty knee jerk judgement.

The Poor:  Happy flat cap whippet owning salts of the earth who are quite happy sexing the dog and doffing the cap to the landed gentry as long as they get a bellyful of mothers ruin and a sing song around the old Joanna once a month, god bless ‘em.

The Middle Classes:  Whining, ungrateful spoilt brats who should learn a lesson or two from the poor and stop their moaning just because we take away a few tax breaks.

The Rich:  The wealth creators, even if – quite legitimately – that wealth may be held off shore in untaxable bank accounts.

The Disabled:  Top hatted curly moustached evil geniuses that have hoodwinked hand-wringing lefties of all political colours over the years into handing over the hard earned tax payers money whilst convincing the more gullible that they really do need wheelchairs.

Concentration Camps:  Somewhere to keep the poor.  And foreign types.  And the disabled.

Channel Four News:  Pravda for the lefties.

Liverpool:  Mars.

Spinny Eyed Dribbling Lunatic:  The only sensible political candidate in an age where even the Welsh get to vote.

Nipple Clamps:  A handy tool to aid concentration when giving political speeches.

Privilege:  A right which should not be passed down to the proles lest they acquire ideas about equality.

Equality:  A rabid and dangerous notion which, if utilised, will see the end of civilisation as we know it where Albion is reduced to a dusty wasteland where gangs of mo-hawked motorcycle thugs roam the Home Counties burning grannies and allowing foreigners to vote.

Bigotry:  The only sensible option in a world of kaftan wearing beard strokers.

European Parliament:  Unnecessary and pointless political body which nevertheless earns me a salary so I can tell foreign types just what they’re doing wrong and is definitely not hypocritical of me to be a member of an institution I proclaim to despise.

Massive Dickhead:  A form of compliment when it is shouted at me every time I appear in public.  And in private.  And by the pixies in my head.

Immigration:  Nothing less than a choking tide of humanity swamping the country, using up our precious resources, scrounging all our welfare, kicking old ladies in the balls and marrying our donkeys.

Patriotism:  Something all decent nation loving gentleman and woman should have, even if it means the loss of certain civil liberties and maybe dressing up in nice uniforms and marching along with the arm held at a certain angle.  May include small moustaches.

Bongos:  Sentient musical instruments living in peace and harmony in Bongo Bongo land.

Hitler:  Misunderstood.