In the old days when bongo mags and flicking the V’s were merely words which didn’t mean anything, the native Russians would entertain themselves with parables about woodland creatures and foolish people. In this spirit of this book:
I present a series of Russian fairy tales for the discerning reader (that’s you, in case you were wondering)
THE CUNNING FARMER
Ivan was a cunning farmer who went out to sea on his boat. There he met a wily octopus. “My, Mr. Octopus,” said Ivan, “you are so handsome and virile.” The octopus, flattered, swam closer, but not close enough to be in Ivan’s net. “Oh, Mr. Octopus,” said Ivan once more, “you are so clever and wise.” Yet again the octopus crawled closer, but not close enough to fall into the net. “Oh, Mr Octopus,” said Ivan a third time. “You are so cunning and strong.” And this time the octopus crawled into the net. But before Ivan could tie the octopus up a blue whale ate them both.
Moral: Octopi are cunts.
THE BROWN BEAR
Farmer Bollockovich was tending his cabbage patch one day when a big brown bear ran at him. Farmer Bollockovich was a wily, cunning farmer and prone to soiling his underwear after too much vodka, and also kept a blunderbuss down his pants. As the bear drew close Bollockovich whipped out his blunderbuss and tried to shoot, but lo, he had whipped out his knob by mistake, and the bear ate him.
Moral: Octopi are still cunts.
THE FARMERS DAUGHTER AND THE WILY FOX
One day a farmer’s daughter was on her way to the market with a kopec for which to buy some pigs trotters with when a wily fox stepped onto the path. Luckily it got scared because foxes don’t like human contact and ran off. It wasn’t an actual large fox which spoke, because that would be stupid.
Moral: Don’t be a twat.
THE OLD COUPLE
An old couple lived in a shack in the middle of a big symbolic forest. They had plenty to eat and were very content, happy in their poor, frugal life. One day a wily hawk came to visit and offered the old man a large pot of money, a fast donkey, and a much younger wife with huge norks. The old man immediately ditched his wife and went out to join the hawk, which promptly ate him.
MORAL: Old men are stupid.
THE FISH AND THE VULTURE WHO WENT TO SEA, BUT THEN THE VULTURE GOT HUNGRY AND TRIED TO EAT THE HADDOCK, BUT THE HADDOCK ESCAPED INTO THE SEA AND THEN THE VULTURE HAD NOTHING, NOT EVEN THE HADDOCK TO TOW HIM TO SHORE, SO HE DIED LIKE A TWAT FOR HIS GREED.
The fish and the vulture went to sea, but then the vulture got hungry and tried to eat the haddock, but the haddock escaped into the sea and then the vulture had nothing, not even the haddock to tow him to shore, so he died like a twat for his greed.
Moral: Haddock suck balls.
THE STICK WITH THE HEART OF GOLD
Basically a stick gets given life, turns human, realises the world is horrible, by which time it’s too late to turn back into a stick and so a bear eats him, with the moral being sometimes you’re better off sticking to what you know, which is a stupid moral, really, as it says ‘don’t bother to try and better yourself’. The fucking Tories would love that one. Wankers.
Moral: Don’t watch Question Time before writing fairy tales.
THE BIG GREEN CUNT
Once there was a tiny man with a freakish head who could make trousers. He was green and a cunt. Then he died.
THE FISH WHO COULD SING
Ivan Roundtrousers was out fishing in the Veil of Tears last Tuesday when he heard a beautiful melodious song wafting over the waves. When he reached the Archipelago where the song was coming from he saw a beautiful young woman with the looks of an angel. “Come home with me and we will live forever in bliss,” said the fisherman, and she did. But that night, just as he was settling down to have a good old go on her grundies, the moonlight lit her face and she was revealed as an old hag. She hid her visage, sobbing, “A witch has cursed me with the visage of a hag whenever the moon is high. Can you ever love me this way.” “Not bloody likely,” said the fisherman, and dumped her back on the Archipelago, and then settled down with someone who, although without the visage of an angel, at least didn’t bullshit him when it came to nocturnal related withcraftery.
Moral: I’ve just shit my pants.
THE TRAMP WITH THE BOLLOCKS
Once there was a tramp who would walk the streets of Barysau grumbling into a cask of spirits. The small children would laugh at him and throw things and the tramp would walk on. One day the tramp woke up in the forest to see a wily rat nearby. “I hear you are a man of taste,” said the wily rat, and the tramp urged it closer, saying, “tell me more.” “I hear you are a man of wisdom, having travelled many roads through life, from cooper to Prince,” said the wily rat, and the tramp once again urged it hither, saying, “speak on, wise rat.” “I hear you have very tasty clackers,” said the wily rat, and then ate his bollocks.
Moral: Don’t let rats near your bollocks.
THE MAN WITH THE HUGE KNOB
One day a farmer with a massive knob went into a shack. “Look at my knob” he exclaimed, thrusting it’s massive shiny end in the face of the neighbour’s wife. “My, that is massive,” the farmer’s wife exclaimed, and began to stroke it. And then she waxed it. And then she attached it to the door. It was actually a door knob, and not the man’s penis.
Moral: All fish are called Trevor.