There has been a lot of talk recently in the tree hugging lefty hippy kaftan wearing love beads vegetarian Quorn molesting Greenpeace anti-nuclear hoodie loving Save The Tuna long haired woolly minded liberal media (well, the Guardian, anyway – bunch of lefties!) about sexual harassment in the workplace. And when I saw ‘a lot of talk’ I mean ‘one article about five years ago, but you know what these bloody lefties are like’. Nevertheless, this has prompted the Minister for Listening to Birds Yap On and On About Make-Up and Tampons to pose the question ‘are chicks being treated sexistly by a load of hard working men in the workplace and stuff’.
We in the Liberal Democrats know an awful lot about the proper way to treat ladies and stuff. On the one hand when they start banging on about Derek from Accounts touching their arse and giving them a friendly squeeze on the old mammary glands we have been expertly trained by the Sidney James School for Pretending to Give a Fuck into not looking down their tops and actually listening to some of the words they say, and not just in the hope they might give it a bloody rest once in awhile. And on the other hand whenever one of our ilk gets accused of slapping them gamely on the bum and shouting ‘grab a handful of these’ whilst playfully juggling their testicles we understand the need to investigate the matter thoroughly just to get a bit of peace and quiet.
Unlike our evil half-brothers in the Tory Party we do not wistfully remember the days when Matron used to spank us and this have a sneaking veneration for some types of women, especially the ones who hoist us up in leather bondage gear while spanking us on the bottom with a herring. To us in the Lib Dems birds and that are to be treated like equals. After all, when it comes to the society we live in, it should not just be the men who clean the kitchen and make the tea. All ladies and birds and that should be equally represented when it comes to get getting the hoovering done and putting a bloody sock in it when the footie is on.
Some sections of our unenlightened society are under the impression that birds may have a tougher time of it in the workplace than what us blokes do. They harbour the belief that just because Jenny in HR wears a skirt and has tits she somehow gets preferential treatment over Scratchy McItchy who works alongside her and who has been investigated by the filth for stealing underwear off clothes lines. What these narrow minded individuals have to understand, especially in the modern working environment, is that birds can be just as good as men. Yes, they are possessed of smashing jugs and fannies and such like, but up in their fluffy little heads they can sometimes be as equally adept at certain things as what us blokes are, and they should be treated with respect.
But, some sections of society ask, do women really have a tougher time than men? After all, it is much harder for a man to get ahead in business than a woman, because there are a lot more men in business and it’s a lot more difficult to impress a man if one possesses a knob. A bird can just flash her cleavage and giggle and before you know it she’s got a high flying job filing the paperwork or booking meeting rooms for Mr. Big Pants of OmniCorp. A bloke has to try and impress by reminding Mr. Big Pants that they went to the same university together.
But it’s not just about ladies having a whinge about us hard working blokes in the workplace. In many areas of life there is the myth that they have been discriminated against, from child support to single parenting to a load of other shit they won’t stop bloody well banging on about, the whinging old tarts. And yes, it has been reported by people who sleep under Dreamcatchers that a load of women have been unnecessarily ignored when it comes to partners slapping them about and sometimes killing them, but that’s because they don’t half go on about it. If they would just learn to put a zip on it and keep the rabbit to a minimum then maybe they wouldn’t end up being ‘victims’ of so called ‘domestic violence’ and ‘honour killings’. At the end of the day they’ve got an International Women’s Day, haven’t they? Do us hard working testicular orientated worker units get an International Man’s Day? No, we bloody well don’t!
So, birds – think for just one second before you have a go at that hard working minister who had tired eyes and was not just staring down your top to catch a sight of your groceries. Consider the hard work and effort a man has had to endure in his average working life when he playfully slaps you on the arse and calls you a tart because you won’t sleep with him. He has as much respect for you as you would have for him, but he would have a lot more respect if you made him a nice cup of tea and spent more time bending down at the waist to pick stuff up.