Archive for April, 2014

It is fair to say that recently the Fourth Estate has come in for a bit of a kicking, what with tapping the phones of dead people and all that nonsense. Reporters have been compared to grovelling earthworms with the moral compass of a massive fart in a crowded room, and have about as much integrity as a really big pile of old shit. This could not be further from the truth.

This week the crusading Mail published a hard hitting story about fraud within the food bank system. A crusading reporter, Wanking Spanner, exposed how food banks were open to dodgy types who took advantage of the good nature of the people who run these lifelines, and showed how easy it was for someone to just wander in, claim they had a family of street urchins and ne’er do wells to look after, and take home a massive plate of roast swan and caviar disguised as a knackered old tin of sprouts and some water.

Some of the whinging lefties who so often decry this paper’s upstanding support for Hitler in the run-up to the second world war and its ongoing streak of violent racism and homophobia say that this kind of coverage ‘unfairly’ gives breath to the idea that anyone who needs help from a food bank is a lying, cheating, two faced snivelling little shit, but this is untrue. We at the Daily Mail believe in helping the underdog – it’s just that we don’t like benefit scroungers. This reporter has actually been into the vaults at Tory HQ and discovered the real cost of benefit fraud in this nation, and it accounts to several hundred billion squillion. Quite literally every time an unemployed person signs on a big van will come around a decent hard working white English tax payers house and then jump up and down on their toes whilst taking the money out of their savings account right in front of their eyes. And then they’ll murder a puppy.

Because the poor are a disease. They’re a cankerous rot on the face of society, and the sort of people who read The Daily Mail know this. Yes, it has been advocated that the sort of people who read the Daily Mail are drooling, small minded, verminous xenophobes, but this is only half of the picture. They can also be bigoted, reactionary, UKIP supporting political throwbacks who seriously believe the gibbering frontman Nigel Farrage is a serious political figure, much as they cheer on Boris Johnson because, compared to the average Daily Mail reader, these people come across as MENSA members.

“Now hold on there, Vermin,” I hear the loony lefties cry. “How can you berate the poor and underprivileged when they make up a good percentage of your readership.” And I say, “It’s because they’re all so fucking stupid! All we need to do is dangle the carrot of immigration in front of their witless, thick heads and they’ll come barking to the gates. It’s no good kicking upwards against the pricks – you have to tunnel down into the sewers to pick on the poorest in this pisshole we call a country. Fuck me – richies getting a big bag of tax breaks – FUCK ‘EM!! Look at that benefit claimant who cheated the dole office. Tie him to a rack and cellotape his knackers to an intercity express train waiting at the station. Corrupt ministers are sitting in the pockets of stripy shirted bankers, all fisting each other’s expenses. Bollocks to the lot of them – there’s immigrants coming to take all our jobs and they’re knocking at your door for a hand out AS I WRITE THIS!!!”

Of course, it’s all a load of old bollocks, but then we’d have nothing to put in our papers, and anyway, scaremongering sells. The crime rate has been going down for years (http://www.ons.gov.uk/ons/rel/crime-stats/crime-statistics/period-ending-june-2013/stb-crime-in-england-and-wales–year-ending-june-2013.html) but don’t let the facts get in the way – people only buy this barrel of old money turds if we keep telling them the foreign types are banging on the borders. After all, we DID fucking well support Hitler. What makes you dismal cunts think we’ve changed our tune when it comes to people like UKIP and the EDL.

Originally this article was going to be about how sensitive us journos are. When we’re not rooting through bins, making shit up, blatantly lying about statistics and generally hanging around morgues masturbating over corpses, we stand up for truth and justice. Sometimes the reality has to be manipulated to make that truth and justice fit our editorial policy, but that is the price you have to pay for a free press. The Daily Mail is not some Pravda style mouthpiece for the government, repeating ad hoc whatever they ask us too. No, we stand for the principals of journalism, which read thus:

Principles of Journalism

1. Journalism’s first obligation is to the truth

Albeit the sort of truth our readers wish to believe, which mainly involves making up a lot of shit to make it fit our agenda.

2. Its first loyalty is to citizens

But only the racist homophobic bigoted ones. I.e. – cunts.

3. Its essence is a discipline of verification

Although facts should not get in the way of a good story.

4. Its practitioners must maintain an independence from those they cover

Just like what our Dacre does when he goes around to David Camerons for his daily gobble on the PM’s knobend.

5. It must serve as an independent monitor of power

Apart from accepting a few comps here and there to plug whatever our editorial team has been offered for free.

6. It must provide a forum for public criticism and compromise

As long as you stick to criticizing foreigners, immigrants and benefit scroungers.

7. It must strive to make the significant interesting and relevant

For ‘interesting’ read ‘titillating’ and for ‘relevant’ read ‘make up any old codswallop’.

8. It must keep the news comprehensive and proportional

Apart from stuff about benefit scroungers or immigrants, BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING WELL OUT THERE, YOU KNOW – HAMMERING AT THE DOOR OF OLD BLIGHTY IN THEIR BILLIONS!!!

9. Its practitioners must be allowed to exercise their personal conscience

Luckily we have the conscience of a fucking dickhead.