American books are crap. Especially the stuff they teach in schools as it’s all about stuff that’s happening in another country and doesn’t have much British stuff in it. They’re also bloody misleading. I mean, take Of Mice and Men. Lots of men, but where’s the bloody mice, Steinbeck, you bloody American git! ‘But’, people say to me, ‘have you read any of these books’, and I have. And I particularly thought the bit where Burgess Meredith killed Stephen Fry in Of Mice and Men was rubbish. Also, something like Of Mice and Men teaches the English bad things, like why people of the intellectual rigour of Lenny have to die, just because they are really smart and only murder people by mistake, a bit like the Conservative policies do. To Kill A Mockingbird is another terrible story, as it teaches all kinds of things about racial tolerance and whiteys being prejudiced and why you should question bigotry, which is diametrically opposed to the Tory policies which UKIP stole off of us.
English children should be learning the English books about all things that England do, a bit like the history, in which they learn should all learn about what happens in England as nothing outside of England is worthwhile and only English people are great and skill and can do wheelies on their Grifters and stuff. So I have outlined a load of tops and great English books which we shall be teaching in the schools because everything not from this country is rubbish.
The Rats by James Herbert
“Hold on, Mauvey,” you might be thinking. “James Herbert has gone on record saying that The Rats was a commentary about the social depravation he was seeing around him in London in the seventies, and therefore might not be teaching a positive message to today’s hep cats!” But you could not be further from the truth. The main thing The Rats teaches us is that you should not be a tramp, because if you’re a tramp a big load of rats will come along and nibble on your testicles, and then you won’t be very happy. Also, if you’re a single mother your baby will be eaten. So The Rats has a lot of top messages for people not to be poor.
Killer Crabs by Guy N Smith
This is a great book because it features lots of action and posh people running about doing it with ladies and then taking control when giant crabs turn up and start scooping entrails into their gaping maws like spaghetti. Killer Crabs also says there are great things in science and that, as all the crabs must be genetically modified or something – I haven’t really done the research – all those giant crabs running about means loads of giant crab meat so no one needs to go hungry or anything. Also, the army prove to be useless in it, which goes to back-up our policy of cutting off their funding.
Fifty Shades of Spanking by E L James
This is English and just shows how a load of great writing which appears to be massively shit can take over the world and introduce ladies to the idea of doing rude things with blokes with power and money, and then maybe they wouldn’t call me a pob faced dickhead and I can get naughty women to take my rude bits. It also teaches ladies that rich blokes are great and they should do whatever they tell them too, and that man is king and ladies need a good slap to keep them in line and they like it really, the whores!!!
Harry Testicles and the Order of the Cunt by J K Rowling
Harry Testicles is a great character for all those English children to learn about, as he goes to private school and anyone who doesn’t is a ‘Cuntlle’ in the vernacular of the book, and they should not be trusted. Private education will lead to being a wizard and you can have great adventures after lights out when the soggy biscuits come out, although they must have cut that out of the original edit of the book. Also, gingers are stupid and fat beardy country bumpkins can be laughed at and are stupid, and money and privilege are the only things that matter, as my great mates in the cabinet will attest. Remember to buy the whole series, though, from Harry Testicles and the Philosopher’s Bollocks to Harry Testicles and the Deathly Labour, as they teach the vital message that private education teaches you to do magic.
Ten Little Ethnic Minorities by Agatha Christie
Agatha Christie is a marvellous ambassador for the English language, because not only does she have some marvellous stories about posh people being bumped off, she also knows how to treat Johnny Foreigner.
Hopsy Flopsy and the Tale of the Farmer’s Shotgun by Beatrix Potter
In which our erstwhile bunny rabbit Hopsy Flopsy realises that stealing from the landed gentry could wind up with him being eviscerated by a twelve bore and then torn apart by dogs. The message is simple – don’t fuck with property owners, plebling, because you will die horribly.
Noddy and the Gas Chambers of Happiness by Nigel Farage
In this new series UKIP ubermensch and small penis Nigel Farage presents a modern take on Enid Blyton’s much loved Golliwog bashing character Noddy. Toyland is being overrun by foreign types and it’s down to Noddy, Bigears and Mr. Plod to build a giant wall around the town and then put any foreign types into special chambers where Happy Gas sends them to sleep forever. Meanwhile Mr Golly has been spending far too much time in the company of Mr Jumbo, and they are evicted from Toyland for being an affront to God.
Let us hope this retracts – I mean ‘expands’ – our children’s minds.