With the news that David Treddinick, MP for Bosworth and a member of both the health committee and the science and technology committee, was speaking out about his desire to push astrology along with medicine and healthcare as a government initiative, we here at The Department for Common Sense and Definitely Not Losing the Plot have decided the public are now ready for some of the more alternative ideas being put forward as the new Conservative agenda.
Some of the more ‘factually scientific’ amongst you may frown at the idea that the astrology can have the same healing effect as penicillin, but it is left field ideas like this which have pushed the modern world forward towards an evolutionary apex. Speaking of which, evolution shall be outlawed in schools as it teaches us that a one true God and all his pixie angels did not create the world and that the proletariat should not base all their faith in a single mighty figure with a big squishy head which looks like a melting sausage, not that I’m suggesting for a moment that Cameron is god-like. More a saint.
Here are some of the more alternative points of view which we will now be incorporating into government policy.
Teaching By Pre-Cognitive Thought Massage
The world of psychics who can make people’s heads explode with a single thought is one which the modern educational establishment could benefit from. When Little Timmy NoShoes is causing a fuss in class because he hasn’t eaten in four weeks a kindly word and a stern look from one of our newly recruited Enforcement Officers will help instil a sense of discipline in the hearts of our nation’s pupils. And if that doesn’t word a quick zap from the old mind-scanner will pop their heads like exploding melons.
Pixies To Be Employed As Media Consultants
Wank Biscuits, Minister for Talking Shit (formerly Public Affairs), is a massive Frank Black fan, and has thus put forward a motion in his pants that the band ‘The Pixies’ are to be consulted on all matters concerning the media. Other consultants will be Carter: The Unstoppable Sex Machine, Kingmaker and Bum Gravy. All rumours about how he actually meant real live pixies would be running the country’s media from an underground bunker are bullshit, and were definitely not scotched by the Truth Police who didn’t go around all the news agencies and kick the editors in the bollocks (or fannies – let’s not be sexist) until they agreed to tow the party line.
Farting To Be Legal Tender
Wibble Wibble Shitbag, Secretary of State for Promotion of Healthy Lifestyles, is putting forward the radical idea that, to promote a less meat-based and more bean-based diet to the common pleb the very food sources that produce trouser troubles should be pushed as an alternative to money, but only amongst the lower classes. That way the poor can eat farty foods and then save up massive trouser guffs for when they want to buy a packet of lager or a can of cigarettes or whatever it is the lower classes do at the weekend – watch dinosaurs race or something. Mind you, the supermarkets would be a bit whiffy, but since none of us great Tories have ever seen one, or indeed experienced the smell of the lower classes, this sounds like a spiffo idea to me. And if the plebs got any revolutionary thoughts we can always shut the doors to their grief-shops and let them gas themselves to death like the big farty paupers they are.
A Background In Crystal Healing To Be Mandatory For All Doctors
The doctors and nurses which help sustain the NHS are quite rightly seen as malingering swine who should learn of the healing powers of the earth mother which protects us all. With a rigorously enforced series of crystal healing lessons and nose chanting courses run by my own personal company Lovely Nice Hug Enterprises (part of Pleb Crusher Org (incorporating Enormo-Git Corp)) we can ensure all doctors are using the latest up to date modern healing technologies used by shamans and gurus throughout the world. For some of the more terminal cases we shall look to improving our holistic involvement in long term illnesses by incorporating the British Holistic Medical Association approved Head Fucker 3000 Ultra-Hammer, which can heal all kinds of serious illnesses with one swift blow.
Money Syphoning Love Funnels
Billy Bastard Bollocks, Chancellor For Rolling Around in Big Piles of Money, has put forward a daring and innovative new technique to help bolster the recovering economy. Anyone who earns less than 60,000 a year shall be encouraged to contribute to the workings of the economy by a simple one off contribution to help shore up the country’s future. By simply climbing to the top of our Wealth Ladder they can be strapped by the ankles to our Joy Recovery Machine where they shall be turned upside down and have their future earnings emptied into a big funnel leading to a giant bucket that definitely doesn’t have ‘Tory Party Funds’ stamped on the side of it. At no extra cost the helpful contributor will then be set upon their feet and encouragingly kicked up the arse by a giant steel boot where an automated ‘V’ flicker will tell them helpfully to fuck off back to paup-land.
These are just a few of the modern exciting and trouser throbbingly modern ideas to moderningly improve our modern thrusting go ahead society. Although many of the concepts contain their wisdom in ideas which have proven themselves to be controversial over the years (Normo Tebbs Bucket of Shit for the Poor being one that springs to mind) I think the public will be encouraged to open their minds to a more alternative attitude to modern politics. If they don’t then we shall encourage them to seek respite in Ian Duncan-Smith’s ‘Paup Mincer 2000’ where all their worries – and indeed their heads – will cease to trouble them.