Archive for August, 2014

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do a big shit on their own heads.” So said some old dead bloke who forgot where he left the toilet and ended doing a big poo on his own spam-patch. He also smeared chocolate sauce all over his knob and would often terrorize the nurses at his rest home by pretending to be a Gateaux Surprise (the surprise being he had his knob in it), but despite his obvious individualistic approach to life the gentleman in question – philosopher and daredevil stuntman Sandra ‘Four Bollocks’ Santayana – had a salient point to make.

It is a point the current coalition have taken to their hearts, especially when it comes to the muddy waters of international conflict. In the old days the ruling Wehrmacht of New Labour would up sticks and go steaming into any old fist-fight as long as their American Overlords would sanction it, but in these modern times of bombing everything from the sky, Cameron and his slavering wolf hounds of befuddled cluelessness have taken a lesson from history and held back from sticking the boot in too firmly.

Now, you may posit (whoever you are – probably that bloke who hangs around outside my bedroom window with his hands down his trousers, making grunting noises and flinging turds at the occasional passer-by) that there are many arguments for and against international intervention in them foreign type places. On the ‘for’ side there are those who say that struggling democracies lack the heavy firepower the western world can bring to the table and turn the tide of war against their alien masters (or am I thinking of Independence Day?). On the ‘against’ side there are those that argue that intervention only props up one dictatorship against another, and sooner or later these paper democracies crumble into in-fighting, and things end up as bad as they were before intervention – or in some cases, a lot worse. But those on the ‘for’ side may counter-argue that without intervention these struggling democracies would end up a lot worse anyway, and maybe the helping hand of the Western military can act as a carrot – coupled with diplomacy – to rid extremism from an oppressive governing elite. But then the ‘against’ lot may argue that getting involved does fuck all and why should we get caught up in the rules of another state, and isn’t intervention just another form of colonialism, and then the ‘for’ side would tell the ‘against’ side to fuck right off as they smell of old tramp’s knackers and probably haven’t ever done it with a girl – not even had a grumble on their boobies, so then the ‘against’ side would get out their trouser sausage and slap the ‘for’ side around the face with it and tell them that not only had they done it with a girly, but they had also done it with that girly’s mum and she had really big knockers, and then the ‘for’ side would say the only norks the ‘against’ side had even seen was in the bongo mags their gay dad had hidden in his drawer where he keeps all the ladies pants he wears, so then the ‘against’ side would tell the ‘for’ side that they were a massive twat and were born when a big shit did a massive bottom guff and anyway the ‘for’ side were cak and couldn’t do wheelies on their Grifters and were scared of spiders, and then they would both have a big sulk and refuse to eat their tea.

But the tricky world of how to deal with tricky situations which involve the Middle East and surrounding places in a tricky fashion can be quite tricky sometimes in a tricky kind of way. If the clown prince Cameron and his deformed hoard of underworld space-mutants had advocated sending a phalanx of our best shock troops into whichever country needed it at the time he could have been condemned as yet another interventionist colonialist. However, if he provided no help at all and pretended nothing was going on by sticking his fingers in his ears and humming at press conferences he would have been condemned as being a workshy fop with no grasp of the international situation. So the best solution, as discovered in Libya, is to send in a few airplanes to bomb the fuck out of a few strategic areas, nab as much pro-government headlines as possible under the ‘being humanitarian without troop intervention’ banner, and then fuck off before it all starts going tits up. I believe it was Peter de la Billiere who once famously stated “Stop wanking in my soup, vicar”. Let’s analyse these words. A militia based ground war can be an unstable environment – sometimes too hot to handle, like a bowl of soup. A load of ‘vicar jizz’ may be the solution to calm the situation and cool down the ‘soup’ of conflict. And yet the soup itself may not gain from the intervention of the vicar’s special love sauce, which can only make the soup uneatable, what with it now being tainted by the interventionist strategy – the jizz – of a long term unwelcome participant – the vicar’s cock.

Why this shit never gets on Newsnight is beyond me. Probably because they’re a bunch of stuck up Oxbridge cunts who’d rather spend all day admiring where Paxman left his skidmarks in the Beeb toilet than letting top Professors who’ve only once been convicted of stealing ladies pants off the washing lines but who know bloody tonnes about international conflicts and that onto the show.

In conclusion the part the international bodies have to play in them wars and stuff which is going on could be bad, could be good, or could be somewhere in the middle, but basically no one has a fucking clue and stuff will keep going on and that still doesn’t change the fact I’m still not allowed on public television until I hand back Kirsty Wark’s bra. And Cameron’s a cunt no matter what he does.

CUNT CORNER

It has been a disappointing week for Cunt Corner as most of the tabloids have been obsessed with Robin Williams kicking the bucket and Cliff Richard, but both the Express and the Mail managed to claw back a bit of cuntishness on the Tuesday the 19th. Come on cunts who write for the Star – you’re letting the side down!

Date

Daily Express

Daily Mail

19/08/2014

Migrant Camp To Be Torn Down

Open Borders: A New Fiasco

Latest tally of cunt headlines since 29/07/2014:

Daily Star: 2

Daily Express: 3

Daily Mail: 6

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Hello, plebs.

With today’s modern gutterscrote seemingly unimpressed by all the great things the Conservative party do to hide the millions of paupers living in poverty by claiming unemployment is down as they’re forced into part time, zero hour contract, short term, low-waged jobs – sorry, I mean by encouraging hard working job seekers to explore the job market by cutting off their dole and housing allowance and kicking them into the street – I mean, by reviving the economy with a series of well thought out actions to bring down public spending by giving the disabled and the poor and the pensioners and the needy a right old cunting – excuse me, I mean to establish a more level playing field which encourages entrepreneurship by encouraging job seekers to pursue a more diverse spectrum of choices in the employment market, it is a sad state of affairs that funding for the major political parties has fallen over the years, although especially bad for us as we couldn’t give a donkey’s jockstrap for the bastards in the Lab and Lib parties losing out on a bit of a fucking moolah which is rightfully ours.

In an effort to engage with the common voter and help stock up our coffers a bit, the Conservative Party are releasing their legendary joke book to you, the grovelling scum – er, right minded public scum – I mean, the more prudent minded Conservative voting gullible shitbags – pardon me, I meant old fashioned values appreciating drooling blank eyed please-don’t-vote-for-UKIP robot dribblecocks – excuse me, I meant… erm… cunts.

Q: When is a door not a door?

A: I have no idea – Jeeves, my butler, deals with that sort of thing.

Man: My dog’s got no nose.

Doctor: How does he smell?

Man: A lot more fragrant under a Conservative government.

A man walks into a vets with a dog and tells him the dog is ill. The vet picks the dog up, looks it over, and says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put this down.” The man, horrified, asks why. The vet says, “Because this dog is a socialist and should be exterminated.” The man agrees and together they kick the dog to death with their huge hob-nailed boots. They then both contribute to society by consuming more and never questioning the banks.

Two nuns walk into a bar. They then drink sensibly because problems with alcohol contribute to the costings of the NHS, which would be a lot less if the sentimental cunts in the plebosphere realised that going private is best!

Q: How many Labour party candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, as they’re all too busy kicking orphans to death.

Man: Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a pair of curtains!

Doctor: That’s all very well, but as a doctor on the NHS I am obliged to kick you in the bollocks for half an hour before treating you. If you went private this wouldn’t happen, you know.

And some exclusive gags never before released from the legendary but never before seen ‘David Cameron Book of Jokes for Proper Tories’

Q: How many paupers does it take to change a light bulb?

Cameron: None, because they can’t fucking afford it now we’ve cut off their dole, housing benefit, taxed them for a third room where they keep their disability equipment, and basically pissed all over their human rights because they’re paup scum and deserve to be gassed. Someone hand me a kitten to strangle.

Q: When is a door not a door?

Cameron: When I’ve destroyed the welfare state.

Q: How many UKIP candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

Cameron: Fucking bastards, taking all our thunder! WE were the ones who would rightfully establish the National Conservative Brown Shirts on the nation’s streets with a carefully co-ordinated campaign of making the weakest and most vulnerable in society become hate figures. First we encourage the papers to spew out more of our propaganda about the poor, the sick, the disabled and the immigrants leeching off our society – ramp up the patriotic slurry for every right wing barnyard animal out there who says “I’m not racist, but…” and then slowly, but surely, batten down the hatches against public spending so we can turn EVERYTHING over to private enterprise, and then me and all my rich crony mates can fill our already overflowing coffers with the monies the paups are FORCED into paying because there’s fuck all else as an option. But no, UKIP come along and speed up the process, and now our carefully conceived plan to eradicate the poor into work factories (under the banner ‘PAUP-FUCKER 2000’) has been pushed off the rails. They’re OUR voters, Nigel, you CUNT!! Give them back so we can laud it up over the needy and bathe naked in the tears shed by the wretched masses!!! Then we’ll gas the fuckers. What, oh, sorry – erm, ‘None, as they’re too busy drinking down the pub’ or something. Fuck this joke book – KILL A PLEB TODAY, MY FLYING TORY MONKEY-FOLLOWERS!!!!

And there we have a brief glimpse into the soon-to-be-available joke book which is bound to rock the nation with giggles an’ guffaws. Average price – 2 million quid – with the chance of an honour if you buy a copy.

CUNT CORNER

This week’s cunt corner has been a bit thin on the ground, with only The Daily Mail showing what massive cunts they really are with a one-cunt headline lead over the Express.

Date

Daily Express

Daily Mail

11/08/2014

 

MORE foreign convicts win right to stay

12/08/2014

Migrants Clamour to Reach Britain

A Blank Cheque To Make Up Law (anti-Human Rights Act piece)

Latest tally of cunt headlines since 29/07/2014:

Daily Star: 2

Daily Express: 2

Daily Mail: 5

Keep them cunt-headlines coming, journos. You’re a credit to your profession

Nowadays we all take for granted the massive load of spunky old fibs the tabloid newspapers jizz out over the collective conscience of our lives. If the law had any sanity ninety nine percent of the gutter press front pages would be made up of apologies for bare-faced codswollop they had dredged up from the sewers. As one of The Sun’s most prominent journalists I am proud to present this snapshot history of over a hundred and fifty years of lies shouted at top volume into the faces of the public, attempting to instil a fear and hatred we are happy to create just to put some coins in our greasy, piss stained hands.

1858 was the year that Shitty O’Bumhole, child slaver and Conservative politician, hit upon the idea of keeping the working classes under the oppressive thumb of fear by spreading made-up propaganda in an easy to read form. He postulated that if he mentally kicked them in the bollocks enough they would shit their caks at the first sign of a foreign type and then vote for him and his much mooted ‘I Am A Massive Twatty Bigot’ campaign. The only problem was how to get the word out to total bastards. Since carrier pigeons were expensive he concluded that a mass produced sheet of toilet paper would do the trick, and quickly hired Bemecca Crunt, formerly of St. Spanky’s School of Harridans and well known for smearing poo all over her face in a gutter somewhere, to pull the ‘newspaper’ together. It was quickly discovered that the people who believed the bullshit he produced despised the concept of ‘news’ as much as they despised foreign people, so the tenth of a page of actual news was quickly dropped in favour of rampant bigoted hectoring comment pieces written by clod hopping bags of monkey jizz, or ‘Richard Littlejohns’ as they were known back then.

The tabloid, christened The Fucking Cunt by its readers but formally known as The London Evening Begger Kicker, sold out quickly, and Shitty realised he was on to a winner. With the money raised from the sales he recruited the finest sewer rats which lived on misery, orphan’s tears and Tory manifestos to drag their clagnut ridden ringpieces over blank sheets of paper to form ‘articles’ which the baying mobs could try to decipher. So as not to alienate the clientele, Shitty also produced early daguerreotypes of birds with big knockers to give them something to point at and masturbate over.

Soon the news spread of the overnight success and other tabloid papers started to spring up. Some of these newspapers still exist today, albeit under different titles. The Cunty Cunt Knob became the Express, the Daily Cunt Wank became The Mail and The Shit Bucket Tit Bollocks transformed, in time, into The Guardian.

Even back then tabloid newspapers were cossetted and bribed openly by politicians. When Churchill decided to back eugenics as a form of keeping the plebs off their doorsteps they enlisted the help of Ratty O’Slimeydick – owner and proprieter of ‘Blimey! They’re Foreign!’ newspapers – to help back his campaign to breed poor people who couldn’t think for themselves by basically just carrying on as normal. When Churchill (again) sent the black and tans into Ireland he recruited The Daily Paup-Kicker to publish an inflammatory cartoon of an Irish ragamuffin slapping George V around the beard with his big meaty cock to stir up the English need for vengeance.

It is a well documented fact that the Daily Mail supported Hitler right up until Adolf did a big shit on Lord Rothermere’s carpet during a toga party at his love pad in Kensington. What is less well known is the broadsheet’s support for fuck all else. (Editor’s Note: Despite being as cunty as The Express, The Star et al, The Daily Mail is actually considered to be a broadsheet rather than a tabloid, despite being as witlessly twatty as the aforementioned ordure dispensers.)

During the fifties and sixties the tabloids realised they had a captive audience of people who believed thinking was something only Satanist bottom touchers involved themselves with and kept up a steady campaign of vile hatred which has proven to be so popular even to this day. In her ground breaking article ‘Badgers Are Cunts’ a then young Margret Thatcher wrote of how badgers were massive bastards because they worked underground, and how one day she would like to see the complete destruction of all things which worked underground, and possibly on the Liverpool docks, where badgers might have lived. And they were invented by Yorkshire.

During the Falklands War The Bastard Bollocks Arsehole Sun (as it was known back then) published a front page scoop of the sinking of the Belgrano with the now legendary headline ‘This Is A Ruddy War Crime, So This Is. Hang That Thatcher And Her Smelly Farty Cabinet’, but after a raging mob of blood crazed torch-and-pitchfork wielding maniacs tried to burn down the headquarters of the paper the second edition produced the much more popular ‘Fuck Off, Argies!’ which was voted one of the most memorable headlines of the 20th Century by a bunch of cunts.

Which brings us to today’s modern tabloid and the exciting world of celebrity news. Years of rooting through the sewers has led to some of the finest fiction writing this side of someone really good – not Dan Brown or EL James as they’re a bunch of shit. With a dedicated eye for the biggest lies they can try and get away with, the modern press forges ahead in kicking those with very little into a twisted, bloody mess and then flicking the V’s at the resultant mess. As Albert Camus once said, “A free press can, of course, be good or bad, but, most certainly without freedom, the press will never be anything but bad.” But then what the fuck does he know, the philosophical cunt. (Editor’s Note: Quite a bit, probably, being one of them philosopher cunts an’ all).

EXTRA: In an experiment never before done by anyone EVER, here at Sortitaht Towers we will be running a weekly update called Cunt Corner, logging that weeks collection of cunt headlines from cunt newspapers taken only from the front page splash. Each week we will also be producing a graph of which tabloids have been the cuntiest so far, along with the headlines in question, but unfortunately for any Sun and Star readers out there this graph will contain no tits. We shall also be counting the Sunday titles under their weekly names. The cuntiness of the headline will take in racism, bigotry, xenophobia, homophobia, sexism and supporting twats like UKIP and the Tories.

CUNT CORNER

And we’re off to a strong start already with the Daily Mail streaking ahead.

Last week’s Cunt Headlines:

 

Date

Daily Express

Daily Mail

Daily Star

29/07/2014

Benefit Cuts for Migrants

 

I Blow My Benefits on Baby Spray Tans

30/07/2014

 

Migrants Handed Billion Tax Credit

 

03/08/2014

 

NHS To Fund Sperm Bank For Lesbians

 

04/08/2014

 

Calais In Crises Over UK Bound Migrants