This week’s barrel of shit should have been one of the more entertaining episodes, as it involved a bunch of creatively moribund suits trying to come up with something which requires the use of the imagination rather than randomly pointing and shouting at things. However, it was cak.
It starts out with Sir Lord Alan Donkeybollocks Low Calorie Fat dragging the reptiles to some old dog and pony emporium where he reveals that this weeks tragedy is for the gathered hellspawn to make utter twats of themselves by kick-starting an Interweb channel and seeing how many wall eyed chronic masturbators knock one out over it. The concept alone should have had my trousers exploding with expectation at the bitching possibilities, but everyone was reasonably civil for most of the episode. Having contemplated the reasons for this I can only assume that the social rejects had come to the conclusion that acting like a bunch of squabbling ferrets probably wasn’t the best way to make Alan’s goolies go all creamy, so they made a pact to try and co-operate, which from a business point of view might be the bees norks but from an entertainment point of view is utter fucking massive shit wank, to quote Jean Paul Bastard Satre.
The teams are divided up – let’s call the team with Steven and Sarah ‘Team Mental’, and the team without them ‘Team Lucky’ – and sent off to enter a world where short, fat spods run internet sites and live around how many retweets they can garner when they wave their disease ridden wrinkled old genitals at the camera (which is a fucking lot, by the look of things).
Neither Team Mental or Team Lucky go for the obvious way to rack up a billion retweets and hits, which is to stand Sir Lord Not A Sugary Snack under a fucking great anvil and drop the weight on his testicle-faced visage until the cunt stops acting like he’s in charge of anything rather than a raggle-taggle band of comedy dick faces and an empire built on nothing but utter shit. Instead they go the marketing route of talking to the Pod People who live in’t Internet World – the sort of media twats the world would be better off without – basically people living off their parent’s money and who’ve gone into the Big Shitty to start up an online entertainment concept which involves generally fuck all of any use to society at all (like this blog, come to think of it). These people are usually hipsters.
Anyway, after a few cursory meetings with people who are still virgins the teams get together and start belching out their bollocks video concepts which will decrease the worth of humanity one step at a time (again, like this blog). Team Lucky come up with the concept of a kid’s cookery programme, even though they swear on their grandmother’s hip replacement that it’s actually aimed at knobs in their late teens. It involves people getting messy in the kitchen, and not in the sort of way which WOULD get them a load of re-tweets, if you know what I mean, missus, ooer, fnarr, etc (for those slow on the uptake I’m taking about gentleman’s bongo entertainment, mainly involving penises and vaginas – AND NOT THOSE IN THE CABINET – take THAT satire!!!) Basically it’s Tiswas.
Team Mental come up with the unique concept of abusing a fat man. They take Felipe who, in the great scheme of things, is not actually a rotund pie eating tubster rampaging through the downtown offices of Gingsters, and subject him to a series of tortures (some people would classify it as ‘exercise’, but they can fuck off) in a sequence of videos which leave him a frightened, perspiring mess of future psychosis. In one video, where two fit people chase him across a field and we suddenly cut to his prone, sweating body, it actually looks like they’ve just sexually abused him. This cannot be right.
Now it’s pitching time, and what better platform to launch a load of old wanktoss than Buzzfeed. Three nerds sit around and watch witless business types in the kitchen making a mess and see right through their fake plastic smiles and their desperate pleading eyes, one even taking the time to write ‘Kill James’ on his pad, Buzzfeed actually being populated by gibbering psychopaths rather than well rounded human beings. No one looks impressed, so you know the cunts are going to win, because the fucking Apprentice has about as much cunting originality in it’s bastard editing process as Michael ‘Shitface’ Bay (how’s that for ruddy swearing!). Team Mental pitch ‘Torturing Fatty’ to the new media whores, with a hyper-Steven going completely over the top and making a right fucking pig’s ear of the pitch, followed by Sarah (previous readers will know her as the woman with the poorly assembled face) fucking it all up as well. Despite snorts of laughter at fatty falling over the Buzzfeed leeches get all moral when they realise the camera is on them and say it’s not really for them, before sneaking off to the cupboard to touch themselves.
It’s boardroom time and blah blah blah sarcastic comment from the hairy gimp twat Alan blah blah blah a bit of bitching blah blah blah who gives a massive cunt. Team Lucky win as they don’t have the members from Team Mental with them, and swan off to sit in a heated pool and pretend they like each other and wouldn’t stab each other in the back for a chance to buff Alan’s hairy bollocks with their foreheads.
Steven and Sarah come back in the room with the team leader (Ella, I think her name was) and the witless bickering commences. Steven gets the boot sharpish as he’s the one throwing the most toys out of the pram, and then Sarah gets the chop, mainly because she looks like a Picasso original, and just as Ella thinks she’s got away Sir Cuntan pulls a surprise out of the tired bag of tricks and fires her as well for not fucking well cheering up when she’s been patronised by a midget twat and his gimp sidekicks. Well tickle my tonsils, that was a turn up for the books! Who would have thought when they stacked too many people in the programme for a twelve episode run that Sir Bollockchops would resort to getting rid of them as quickly as possible before comfortably settling back into the same format next episode. Cunt.
To win: An anal polyp.