Today The Sun published its own manifesto now that we’ve only got 100 days of tedious bullshit to wade through before the next sexually deviant gimp is elected to help destroy the country. They imaginatively called it ‘The Sunifesto’. In it they espoused great humanitarian projects such as cutting benefits, advocation of fracking, greater powers for Mr. Plod to snoop around in your underwear drawer and, obviously, an urging to keep all them foreign types out, and those that are here better learn the facking language or Rupert Murdoch will personally jump on their balls.
It’s at this point regular readers are expecting the great thinkers who write this column to say something like, “The ‘Sunifesto’ – more like ‘The Cuntifesto’ if you ask me’, but nothing could be further from the truth.
Let’s take a gander at what the libertarian’s favourite paper has to say on the subject of welfare.
Child Benefit – capped at two children for new claimants. That’s obviously because the lower classes are at it like rabbits, the filthy fuckers, and the only reason anyone on welfare has more than two kids is so they can get a shitload of cash from the mighty overlords who run the welfare system. Yes, some people might be killing themselves as result of benefit cuts, but that’s because they just can’t believe how lucky they are to be governed by such altruistic millionaires and would rather top themselves than face any more fantastic greatness from the government. Killing yourself is just another way of showing the world how fantastic the Tories are. All hail Satan!
Foreign Aid – Scrap guarantee that 0.7% of our GDP be given away in foreign aid. That’s because they’d only spend it on coke and whores anyway. You know what them foreign types are like. They pretend to live in abject poverty and bandy about child mortality rates like it’s going out of fashion, but we all know every foreign country has masses of hidden gold in underground chambers, and all foreign types live in opulent splendour, and only reel out the diseased and dying when the cameras are about so they can fool us charitable countries into coughing up the moolah. The only reason the President of Guinea said there was an outbreak of Ebola in 2013 was so he could get enough money in foreign aid to knock up another gazebo in the presidential garden.
Security & Defence –Give spooks/police surveillance powers against terror – but approved by judges. At the moment the plod’s judicial right to have a rummage around in your e-mails and bins aren’t ruthlessly totalitarian enough. The current laws need to be changed, despite what the lefty kaftan wearing bean eating tree hugging whale saving daisy picking wind farming Guardian reading lefty communist Troskyist badger savers with their bleeding hearts and big weepy faces bleating on about so called ‘abuse of human rights’ say, like there’s something wrong with George Smiley rooting through your metaphorical underwear drawer to see if you voted for the Greens once and are thus a molotov lobbing terrorist pervert deviant. These suspects won’t throw themselves down stairs, you know, and it’s up to our glorious Stazi – er, Security Services to make sure we behave ourselves, walk in an orderly line, and never question those in big shiny suits who regularly make love to large piles of money.
NHS – cannot continue as bottomless money pit. That’s because only poor people use the NHS, and anyway, there are too many street urchins and council flat pond life knocking about in the country, and all the glorious soaraway Scum are saying is that maybe the population could do with thinning down a bit. Which is why they need as much private sector help as possible, because if the paups can’t pay for a nice room and a glass of gin every time they have a lymph removed they shouldn’t be sick in the first place. Next thing you know they’ll be wanting to be treated with a bit of dignity and respect as they’re popping their clogs.
Britishness – Migrants must learn English and respect British values. Like selfishness, greed, hatred of all outsiders and an enclosed myopic view of the world. The first thing a foreign type should do when coming over here is denounce his former homeland and then pledge allegiance to Thatcher’s corpse, which has recently been turned into a giant robotic monster set to rule over this mighty country with an iron fist of discipline. After that they should learn the Queen’s English – Home Counties dialect, not any of that northern rubbish – and then learn the fundamentals about what it means to be British, which basically means whinging about everything.
And so on and so forth. Far be it from me to cast aspersions on the glorious Sun when it comes to setting policy, but their advice to the future Overlord of this nation doesn’t go far enough. Yes, we must kill the poor and build a big wall of hatred and ignorance around the country to see off anyone from across the waters – even the Isle of Wight – but they’re forgetting gulags for the disabled, re-education camps for anyone who shows signs of compassion and understanding towards their fellow human being, and the purging of all those with radical thoughts – like them Greens – to giant metal cages where they must fight to the death in The Thunderdome.
In other election news Cavid Dameron has chipped in with news that the average person on the street should get a tax cut because it’s definitely the right thing to do and not a blatant attempt to get Mr and Mrs Joe Average to vote for them. Ed Milliband has come up with a ten year plan for the NHS, which mainly consists of binning the idea once they get in power, and Nick Clegg said something but no one was listening to he went home for a cry.
Note to UKIP twats – this column is a spoof and not to be taken on as a manifesto pledge. You bellends.