The election is hotting up with some top quality bog standard monetary shenanigans and bigotry from two of the leading parties and some bunch of flag waving chancers who for some unknown and completely spurious reason keep ending up coming across like a complete rabble of jackboot saluting bigots.
Heaven forfend that Rifkind and Straw should ever have done anything wrong, because obviously what they did was completely above board and in no way are we trying to impugn that politicians are a hideous bunch of grasping salivating homunculi intend to filling their own pockets and fuck the paups as long as they don’t find out. The Daily Backhander applauds such entrepreneurial spirit, and can only encourage all the others politicos out there in WestminsterLand to shake a fucking tail feather and start taking monetary inducements to either ask questions in parliament or offer access to certain top ranking members of the Houses of Parliament’s playpen for as many beer vouchers as they can stuff into their greedy pockets. Nothing wrong with a bit of graft on the side as long as it’s between rich people and corporations and the proles don’t find out.
In other fab and groovy election news yet another UKIP member has had to sling their bastard hook for living back in the 1940s when standing around and screaming at people who look a bit different while jabbing a finger in their faces was seen as perfectly acceptable behaviour. For some reason the lefty kaftan wearing bead hugging tree shagging muesli eating rabbit stroking kitten loving corporate hating Greenpeace and lentil brigade think that being a massive fucking bigot is somehow unacceptable. What sort of society are we living in when in this day and age a perfectly normal honest and decent member of the stazi can’t build a gallows outside a non-white resident’s door and set fire to a cross on their lawn?
Figel Narage must be the unluckiest cunt in the world, as our editor Adolf Goering said the other end during our daily Hour of Hate. Time and time again some of the more unconventionally opinionated members of his brigade may utter the odd opinion about how people who touch each other’s bottoms are causing the floods or how them foreign types are clogging up the roads by being all foreign and that, and yet UKIP as a party are somehow tarred with the same feather just because the majority of their candidates and supporters seem to be the community natured types who hang around in large groups wearing hooded bed sheets as a fashion accessory. Yes, UKIP do appear to be in the position where every week one of their brown shirts mistakenly comes across as a frothing spinny eyed holocaust denier who appears to live in a version of England straight out of The Railway Children, but this is simply bad luck. In fact the party is a lovely bunch of good honest Englishmen who like a pint to laugh at every now and then and want what’s best for the country, even if that may involve setting up a few gas chambers around the less salubrious areas of the UK.
But politics and being a cunt make strange bedfellows. The idea that someone in an influential position would take money for access to whoever Johnny Corporate wanted to brown nose strikes people as somehow unsuitable, the same as the idea that running as a candidate for a party with a background in foreigner-hating somehow makes them a bigot. These incidents are merely the icing on the cake, meaning that the actual cake bit below is full of really lovely people who are kind to animals and love people of all creeds, colours and nationalities. For instance, I have it on good authority that Figel Narage gives money to big eyed orphaned foreign kittens and definitely doesn’t goose step his way through the national anthem every night after touching himself in an unseemly manner whilst watching old VHS copies of The Black and White Minstrel Show. Many members of the three main parties give the money corporations give them to act as ‘executive advisors’ to charities for helping injured bunnies and poorly hedgehogs.
People get the wrong idea about those in power, or those grasping for power with their withered, desperate claws. Yes, they may come across as though they’d take money for old rope or set fire to a barge full of refugees, but in reality they’re a warm hearted collection of chirpy socially conscious do-gooders who spend all their time helping out at charity fetes where they judge vegetables shaped like bellends. I have it on good authority that come drinking time on a Friday after a hard day’s work the entirety of Westminster refuses the lure of mammon and hoofs it down to the local homeless shelters where they hand out gifts of gold and kittens. Once people realise that politicians are really a lovely bunch of cocoanuts the quicker they can go back to sleep and ignore all the continual stories propagating the fallacy that they’re a collection of small minded power hungry bigoted prole hating cock jockeys. We at The Daily Backhander are here to promote this message. For a small fee obviously.
Quite frankly it’s been piss poor here at Cunt Corner. Usually, in the run up to the elections, the red tops are full of slavering shit about how the Tories will literally cut their own knob off for your vote, but so far the only cunt headline has been the stalwart Express with “Millions Set for Tax Cut: Tory Pledge to Put money back in your pocket” promoting the bullshit bribe factor which has currently become fashionable with certain members of parliament. The rest of next day’s shit tickets were pretty lame in their cuntness, so I put a plea out there to all cunt papers – try writing more bigoted, witless toadying cunt headlines for the sake of this section.
Latest Cunt Counter since 05/02/2015:
Usually the Mail are in front as The Express become obsessed with the latest health cure which can cure cancer just by slamming your bollocks in the fridge door, but they’ve improved on their Tory boot licking.