“When he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour.” At least that’s what it says in the bible, but what the Holy Scripture failed to take into consideration was the fucking gobshites who would be prattling away like fucking arseholes everytime someone shoved a microphone up their arse.
Yes, you poor cunts, it’s officially the start of Bastard Baiting Season as the cunts on the left and the cunts on the right get their collective genitalia out and wee all over you whilst telling you it’s good for your health, they know best, and all the other bastards haven’t got a fucking clue how to run the country because they all do big brown caks in their pants and smell of tramp’s testicles.
The major problem with the fucking bastard shit pants bollocks that these idiots relentlessly shite out is the perfunctory nature of the message at hand. Cunty Tories will say Cunty Labour will bet all the lovely money the Cunty Tories haven’t saved on a one legged horse at Chepstow, whilst Cunty Labour will tell you that the Cunty Tories will do an even bigger shit on everyone’s heads in order to line their own pockets and you shouldn’t trust them, except when they talk about them foreign types, as both parties seem to be in agreement that being terrified of The Other and rousing the electorate into Hate Speech against Johnny Foreigner is the best way to present themselves as anything other than cunts.
Because the shit cheese that is Farage and his gambolling romp of torch wielding bigots have nabbed a few seats because a bunch of fucking brown shirts have nudged them into a position where they can give free vent to their blatant xenophobia the soggy-biscuit-at-Eton loving crowd of ex-public schoolboy spanking fans are giving themselves hernias trying to prove to the public that they can be even more racist than the other lot. You expect it from the Tories, as they’ve always been cunts, but when Labour started frothing on about ‘the immigration question’ you could feel the IQ level of political debate dropping off the radar and going for a wank in the corner whilst crying.
What is it with this fucking pisshole of a country that the fucking people who are jostling each other in the clackers to line up to run the place feel the need to wank their collective hate-jizz all over the poor fuckers with the least. Every shit bastard of a fuck bollocks politico is frothing at the mouth to have a go at immigrants and the needy and the poor and the disabled because they’re so desperate to get their meaty chops around the bellend of the electorate that they’ll say whatever they feel the electorate want to hear if it ups their chances of getting their knackers through the front door of parliament. It’s ruddy well sickening, and that’s swearing!
Anyway, that is beside the point, as now we officially have the rundown to the General Fucking Erection (FUCKING SATIRE!!!!) where an endless stream of complete and utter cuntingdon cuntworthy’s will cunt on to the fucking bastard TV and just spew out the same old pre-scripted shitting wank they’ve been beaten into repeating. The arsehole journos who appear to be under the impression they’re not massive cockends (I’m looking at you Andrew Neil, you shitting great toss monkey) and believe the rudimentary wank they blubber forth is of any worth whatsoever will prate on with questions which are about as confrontational and incisive as a big fucking pile of camel’s knackers being pissed on by a massive load of donkey shit (you have my permission to use that quote in the leader’s debate, Julie Etchingham) and we, the poor fuckers who end up bearing the brunt of whatever these slimy toad like cunts enact into power, once more feel the weight of the ages bearing down upon our shoulders as we realise it didn’t matter which grey suited piece of smiling wallpaper we vote into power, it’s still going to be another five years of unending cunt to batter our future into a messy smush so that bastards with too much money and no social conscience can make even more money out of our twitching corpses.
There is no alternative. “Oh, I’m voting Green as they’ll promise not to stick a nuclear reactor up my arse”. Bollocks. As the Lib Dems shits have proven, one whiff of a limousine and morals go out the window and into Mr Big Bollocks Bucket of Bribes. “Ooh, Farage is a plain speaking alternative to the Westminster spin machine.” Fuck off back to Nazi Germany you cock addled cunt faced destroyer of your own soul. Those feckless UKIP banjo strings are about as useful as a testicle powered motorbike. “The SNP and Plaid Cymface provide me with a regional platform for my concerns.” Massive jazzing cocks of deaths to you! Because some cunt slaps a fucking thistle or a cunting red dragon onto their cunting forehead doesn’t mean they’re cuntingly well cunting not as bastard shit corrupt as any other fuckhole who jumps onto the big greasy love pole of power.
On the plus side – hey, it’s going to be an exciting election, right, kids? No one knows what the outcome will be. We have a leader’s debate and some very interesting programs concerning possibly outcomes of the election to look forward too, not to mention the wall to wall coverage for those of a more political persuasion. Personally I’m looking forward to it, but then my best friend is a talking toilet called James Balls and I rub poo into my hair.
CUNT CORNER SPECIAL
No bastard cunt headlines this week. You’d think there’d be tonnes of the cunts, but there are none. So, the stats remain unchanged from last week.
Anyway, latest Cunt Counter since 05/02/2015: