When David Cameron, lord shine a light on his winsome cherubic cheeks, but not the ones he sits down on, hand fed a cute, no doubt Conservative voting lamb at the weekend, the world exhaled a big sigh of relief that there was something lovely and fluffy in the world that we could all rely on. Whilst the Ed Millibands and Nicky Cleggs of the world are stomping about with their hob nailed boots, crushing small and defenceless woodland creatures beneath their oppressive heels, it is heartening to hear a news story when Our Beloved Leader, All Hail His Voluminous Trousers and Burn the Unbeliever Who Scorns His Mighty Fist Of Justice, gets to show the caring and homely side of his social cleansing. There were unconfirmed rumours that Ed Milliband was seen at a rabbit sanctuary in an attempt to steal Uberleuitnant Cameron’s thunder by stroking a rabbit, but his natural instincts kicked in and he ended up twisting the heads of several bunnies, probably all orphaned due to New Labour cuts in the last parliament. In a similar vein Nick Clegg was seen kicking a big eyed kitten to death and laughing in a gleefully depraved manner.
It is an unfortunate product of society that politics is seen as corrupt and deep within the pockets of major corporations. Rather than the soup kitchen and homeless helping bunch of raggedy, chirpy, community charity shop workers politicians really are, the media represent them as barely humanoid cellar dwelling gutter rats who hide in the shadows and steal your first born. They conduct ‘investigations’ which they almost completely make up about how such and such a Conservative politician was seen accepting a large bundle of used fivers in a brown paper bag with no questions asked or how some other Conservative patriarch was discovered involved in a bizarre Satanic devil worshipping ceremony which involved putting his knob in a goat, all of which is completely made up. As the public will no doubt be convinced by some truly stupendous pictures of the leader for the next thousand years (bar nine hundred and ninety five of them) showing the true face of ruthless efficiency as he cuddled up to the lamb and definitely didn’t feed it the churned up guts of it’s woolly chums or force the entire bottle down it’s throat before drop kicking it at the press corp – we completely deny those allegations. David Cameron is a warm and gentle bundle of virtuous hugs who can lead Great Britain into a glorious future which doesn’t involve tanks or gas chambers for the poor, honest.
Here are the Conservative Party pledges in full:
Free hugs to all kittensThat’s it.
We would mention something about the economy or spending on defence or the social services, but quite frankly that would only bore you. It’s all rather complex and involves a lot of sums which you wouldn’t understand anyway. Instead, we shall show you a series of pictures of El Presidente cuddling a selection of cute and furry animals and definitely not resisting the urge to stuff the animal in his gob and tear out its still twitching heart with his fanged teeth.
Today all the papers were fair and lovely and no one said anything bad.