Archive for August, 2015

Cower, Ye Mortals!

Posted: August 26, 2015 in Uncategorized

When small-minded people reach a level of authority, some of them turn into beasts. The country has seen this happen with Ian Duncan Smith, the ‘quiet man’ of politics who has finally got his hands on the welfare system and decided to give it a right old shafting after everyone called him a croaky voiced bellend, or words to that affect. After years of striding the halls of Westminster and having his bald head slapped by every passing MP, he has decided to take his revenge on society from the bottom up. It’s a genius plan by the right wing to slowly empty the streets of all paupers so they won’t have to view the great unwashed as they get driven to their next corporate brown-nosing shindig.

“Surely the people in charge should be working towards a better society and not use their powers as an excuse to destroy all civilisation just because they were called a pasty faced slap-headed barrel of monkey cock when they were at school, in work, and in parliament?” I hear you proclaim. Well, you’d be wrong.

There are two types of right winger in society. There are those who like to do the abusing, and those who like to be abused. This may seem to be a simplistic idea of those who lean towards the more Conservative way of life, but it’s completely true and I read it somewhere in a survey produced by ‘What Spanking’ magazine so it’s all above board. Anyway, those who like to be abused are those who vote for the right wing, as they’re bound to get rigorously shafted right up the backstairs passage with something big and ugly that has nails sticking out of it. Only able to be sexually aroused by the thought of starving paupers and people in wheelchairs being kicked to death by men in business suits, they will happily vote Tory until their last human right has been chucked into the wood chipper. Alternatively those who like to abuse join the ranks of the Tory party where their nihilistic dreams of world dominance can only be assuaged by fucking over as many of the poor as they can possibly get their hands on before they’re kicked out of office. Many of these people spend their lunch hour hammering nails into their bellend before deciding which section of society they’re going to fuck over next.

Both types should be dissuaded from either voting or being in power, as their ideology lynches on paupers being poor and servile, rather than creating an equal society. Technically, privately educated shit monkeys who’ve spent their entire existence being spoon fed privileges should not be able to decide that everyone who hasn’t played The Biscuit Game at Eton can fuck right off. The right wing exists on the maintenance of keeping the lower classes under their boots, and will do whatever is politically necessary to maintain that imbalance in society.

The moral of this is: Tories should get in the fucking sea!

Joke Corner:

Man A: Doctor, doctor, I’m a massive twatty fucking pile of old badger’s wank!

Doctor: Congratulations – you must be Richard Desmond!

Cunt Corner

What a rambunctious week it’s been for our chums behind the contents of Cunt Corner. The Express start well by shoving their heads right up the Tories ringpiece in another totally biased pile of wank about how everything’s fucking awesome and we’re not all shafted by cunty great cunts in bastard shit power cunt bollocks arse piss (and that’s swearing!)

Next day the Cunty Excunt is back on the racist bandwagon with more anti-migrant shit, with the Mailycunt chipping in to have a go at the French, just for good measure. Obviously, realising they haven’t been racist enough, the Mailycunt stick in some Muslim Madness paranoia the next day, with the Cunty Cuntspress chipping cuntily in with another load of anti-immigrant cunt because all their cunty journos and editors and cunts, or at least forced to be cunts, because the cunts in charge are cunts. So it goes.

Nothing from the Scum or the Daily Titwank (Star), so the Mail and the Express stride ahead in being shitty great arse buckets at an even 13 Cunt Headlines each. Cunts.

There has been a slight change in the Cunt Corner Counting Process, as previously one cunt headline with two cunt meanings (say, being anti-migrant and anti-French at the same time) had previously only been allotted one cunt mark against the offender.   I decreed, mightily, that it should now count as two marks against a paper – one mark per target of cuntishness – and so have scientifically gone back through the previous entries and upgraded all cunt headline status – hence the leap in cunt headline numbers from last week.

If that doesn’t make sense, then just pretend it does.

MORE JAPERY NEXT WEEK, CUNT CORNER FANS!!!!

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Jeremy Corbyn Not a Tory Shock!

Posted: August 18, 2015 in Uncategorized

Peter Mandelson, Tony Blair, Alastair Campbell and now Gordon Brown have all come out against Jeremy Corbyn, based on the ideology that winning the vote is much more important than sticking to any ideals about what a party should stand for. Each one of these devil spawn homunculi have had a big whiff of the underpants of power and realised they were quite happy whoring their withered old ringpieces to the alter of commerce, and any concept of being a party for the people could go suck a lemon as far as they were concerned.

In one respect the Four Twatsmen of the Apocoshit are correct. Getting votes is important. The one viewpoint they’re avoiding is should you flush your ideals down the toilet to nab those votes. Kendell, Burnham and Cooper are the old guard. They live in an ideological world of appeasement, quite happy to drop their trousers and bend over for a good rogering from EnormoCorp, as long as they can get a few years in the top job. Corbyn appears to believe that we should live in a more equal society, and is thus the hellspawn of all modern New Labour thinking. After all, the clarion call says, the only way Labour got into power was by taking a torch to the beliefs which Labour was originally founded on and greasing up for a bit of big business action. Ed Millitwat told Murdoch to shove his head up his sphincter and look what happened to him. Corbyn should take himself down a peg and follow the herd. He should sound more scripted, say more blandishments, and avoid all this ‘equal society’ business.

Is it about conformity at the end of the day? Are the Labour party old guard so scared of an alternative strain of thought that they’re willing to destroy the most popular candidate in the running? If no risks are ever taken, then society would not have progressed, and right now politics seems entrenched in a quagmire of appeasement to right wing ideals. Corbyn has energised a whole new swathe of voters who are getting royally fucked over by the powers-that-be, and the Greyspeak that Burnham, Cooper and Kendell are dealing in say nothing beyond the soundbites the public have already heard. Corbyn seems willing to say the things that need to be said about an unequal society. The rest can only offer empty hand wringing.

Corbyn is the underdog fighting against the massed ranks of wilting dicks, both political and media, who have let the fear of change colour their ideology. Mandelson, Blair, Campbell and Brown need to look at the bodies stacked under their own feet before they start casting aspersions on Corbyn’s fitness for power.

P.S. Next week the return of more amusing things to say, probably with the word ‘plop’ in it somewhere, and possibly an allusion to some Tory politician who only gets off by having a Corgi shoved up his bottom.

P.P.S. The Tories – they are just massive cunts, aren’t they? What the fuck is going on in their collective heads where they think people will be stupid enough to believe it when one of their vacuous blood suckers tell us there is no link between austerity and the rise in food banks. What a pile of wank.

P.P.S. New Labour are fannies.

Statement of Disclosure: You know that Tony Blairs? He should get in the fucking sea!!

Joke Corner:

Man A: Knock Knock

Man B: Who’s There?

Man A: Richard Desmond is a cunt.

Cunt Corner

Well, what a cunty old time we’ve been having with the tabloids lately. The last week saw the Mail and the Star manage to have a go at the local plod AND human rights gorn mad at the same time, making it a double cunting for both headlines. The Star pissed around with more anti-plod headlines to assure us we’re all going to hell in a handbasket, whilst the Mail took it’s usual punt at the NHS and the Express took a good old nosh on the government’s wrinkled, diseased bellend by telling us we’ve never had it so good. What a bunch of cunts.

Because of the variation of cuntishness displayed in the headlines, Cunt Corner has seen a trouser based explosion in various headline topics, with ‘Uman Rights Gorn Mad’ and ‘Pro-Tory’ making their first appearance.

On a general cunty level, the Mail and the Express are now neck and neck is vaginal based headline tomfoolery. The Sun, disappointingly, is still flailing away in the doldrums.

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Fart, willies, bums and norks. Right, now the intellectual conversation is out of the way I’d like to make a serious point about how the Daily Mail appears to be labelled fascistic, just because they supported Hitler in the past and just because a recent experiment juxtaposed the word ‘Jew’ with ‘immigrant’ in the Daily Mail forums and received a host of positive comment. It would be unkind to single out one paper, when the reality is that all the tabloids indulge in immigrant bashing and a general propaganda that the modern world is full of greedy fuckers out to take all your money and sponge off the inherent good nature of the population of Britain.

One of the surprising things which has emerged from the whole Cunt Corner experiment (which it is, and as worthy an experiment as anything those fuckers at the large Hadron Collider could do – if they’d have called it ‘The Large Hadron Cuntlider’ I might have given them some kudos, but the lazy, non-swearing shit buckets have gone all spoddy and decided to be proper and square and not do wheelies on their grifters and etc) is the fact that The Sun is the least migrant bashing tabloid out there, at least where the front page headlines are concerned. The Daily Mail and, especially, the Express, seem to be frothing at the pitchfork to have a go at anyone who tries to sneak into the country. To make matters worse, David Cameron seems to be aligning his immigration policy around whatever the headlines tell him too. The only subject he seems to be willing to go against the tabloid fury with is his stance on Europe, and that’s probably because he’s got a few dodgy earners linked in with sticking with the European Union.

Now the Internet is a world bestriding behemoth it is the power of the tabloids has diminished. Circulation is falling and screaming rhetoric has become the norm. (I was going to link to an Express headline here, l but since they’re a bunch of racist wank baskets they can fuck off for clickbait, the cunty fuck piss bollocks). Some of the news sources on the web are massively barking, and some of them are not. The main complaint I hear from people is that there is such a wealth of information out there that sifting through it to find the gold can be a headache. For me, the access to so much varying levels of information is liberating, where we no longer have to be tied down to the political allegiances of the few who run the papers for our news (and yes, I’m talking to you as well, Guardian Cunts, with your anti-Corbyn bias. Suck my balls!).

There is a serious issue to be made about the veracity of these alternative news sources, but since a lot of the shit we get from the mainstream broadsheets and tabloids is conjured from the imagination this argument is spurious at best. And in case anyone thinks this anti-immigrant propaganda is a recent thing, check out the book Bloody Foreigners, which uses those things called ‘facts’ to prove the UK has always been dabbling with xenophobia.

Statement of Disclosure: All hipsters are twats. They should just give up and get in the sea.

Joke Corner:

How many Richard Desmond’s does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because he’s a massive cunt.

Cunt Corner

It’s been a bumper week for cunt related headlines lately, Cunt Corner chums! It’s no surprise that the Daily Express and the Daily Mail (hereby collectively known as The Daily Cunts) have been sticking the boot into the immigrant crises on account of them being a bunch of racist shitbags, but we also have the Daily Star chipping in (hereby known as The Daily Shit) with some old cock about English bobbies having to patrol Ibiza when they should be over here arresting them foreign sorts. Nothing from The Sun (hereby known as The Daily Cock Wank Fuck Biscuit), surprisingly. When I were a nipper The Sun had the worst reputation for being Cunt Central, but now their star has fallen, and The Daily Cunts have taken their glory.

Now, I’m sure there are plenty of cunts writing for The Daily Cock Wank Fuck Biscuit, so come on chaps – get your indignant heads together and start going on about immigration/the NHS/lefties/Corbyn/failing system/how bankers are really great/a myriad of other made-up shit and get yourself a decent ranking on our leader board!

Anyway, headline of note are The Express on the 8th for managing, once again, to have a go at the French AND the migrants at the same time. If they manage to stick an anti-Corbyn piece in the same headline they get a special prize of a kick in the bollocks (or the fanny – let’s not be sexist).

More top Cunt Corner japes next week, Shit Headline fans!!

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Death to Queue Jumpers

Posted: August 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

I was going to have a massive rant about what a bunch of cheesy old badgers kanckersacks the press and the government were for railing against a supposed hoard of blood thirsty ravenous immigrants invading the country to eat our children and take our jobs, but after having read Frankie Boyle’s article in the We Hate Corbyn Guardian (Frankie Boyle article) I realised he has said everything I possibly could, so instead I have decided to whinge about something small and twatty. Or rather, people who complain about small and twatty things.

It’s an understandable fact of life that the minor irritants which affect us all have a detrimental impact on the way we live our lives. We can imagine ourselves to be reasonable, logical, and fairly well-mannered people, but if some fucker jumps the queue ahead of us thoughts of skewering the bastard to the counter and then beating them to death with a nearby small child would not be uncommon. I once listened to a ten minute rant about why some middle aged gentleman who was riding his bike on the pavement should end up under the wheels of a bus, or at least paralysed for the rest of his life. Now, whilst I agree that the man in question was a prize knobend for lacking basic common manners, I did think the rabid, frothing, swivel eyed fatalities wished upon this person a touch over the top. And then I remembered the last time some cunt flap gobbed onto the pavement in front of me and how much I wanted to rub his stupid, pustulant face into his own mess whilst twisting his knackers with a pair of rusty pliers, and realised barbarity is just a step away from us all.

The problem is manners. People have an idealised version of how we should treat each other, and when people overstep those bounds of what we perceive to be polite society the impotent rage at not being able to act to rectify the situation fucks with our morale make-up. We want these rectal polyps to show a little bit of bastard respect to each other, and principally ourselves, and thus we go crazy ape bonkers with our imaginary chainsaws when we see an indiscretion occurring. After all, goes the argument, manners don’t cost a thing.

Small problems become big problems because of this, and perspective basically takes a holiday in Tuscany and refuses to come back until we’ve stopped whinging. In the great scheme of things these concerns are minor compared to the real issues going on. There are horrors and injustices in the world on a scale which would make the average UK whinger shit their pants – and the pants of many people around them – if they understood the daily misery, torture and destitution a lot of people have to suffer, but the lack of perspective makes the fanny hammer dropping litter in front of us seem like Hitler himself has shot his load over our whining faces. Maybe if there was more perspective to these minor irritants we could understand they amount to a hill of piss against the sort of problems the poor bastards in Calais have to deal with.

Joke Corner:

Man A: Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this!

Doctor: Richard Desmond is a cunt.

Cunt Corner

It’s a special ‘theme’ related Cunt Corner this week as the papes go mental at the idea of them foreign types coming over here and escaping torture and death, the selfish gits! On the 30th July four major tabloid scum went into an apoplectic anti-immigrant rant, with The Sun scoring an extra ‘racism’ tag for having a go at the French as well. After that the rest of next day’s fish wrappers went off the boil, with only the Daily Mail keeping the immigrant bashing up on their splash page with an endless stream of cunt. (On a side note all this anti-immigrant cuntishness is technically racism, despite what the cunts at UKIP say, but Cunt Corner only counts specifically targeted countries in the ‘racism’ tag).

As far as trends go the Daily Mail is starting to grab back some of it’s cunty ground when compared to The Express, which was rapidly turning itself into Cunt Corner’s ‘Cunt of the Cunts’ in a poll of mass Cunt papers. Cunt. Cunty cunt cunt.

Anyway, stay tuned for more headlines next week, Cunt Corner fans!

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