Lies, Damn Lies, and the Gits in Charge

Lies are the lifeblood of the political establishment, and never more so than when conference season is amongst us. Usually party political conferences are a chance for the faithful to gather in dens of inequity and tell themselves they’re not the perverted, diseased offal of a corrupt and rotting political system. Just last week Tim Farron was boasting about how the Liberal Democrats were on a mighty Teutonic charge back into the mainstream, cleaving a bloody path through the bullet ridden corpses of the old parties with their Panzer tanks of social justice. Next week the Conservatives shall emerge from the sewers to cower from the sun’s rays, delivering the usual old bullshit about how they care about the needy, but the sort of needy who owns a couple of houses and uses private health care. The same old shit in the same old package with the same old ricin flavoured bows tying the propaganda up. As for the New Look Labour Party With Added Beardy Geography Teacher, we’ll have to wait and see.

Lies are the pumping machinery that keeps politics going. Every time some cunt in a grey suit opens his mouth and spills out more hirsute testicles whilst trying to stifle their sniggering it makes me wonder just who is believing this bullshit. In January MORI published a poll which showed that, of those questioned, Politicians are trusted less than estate agents, bankers and journalists, who are down there with Nazi war criminals and Michael Bay. It is said that every time Osborne unzips his trousers a tar-like wave of lies spills forth, predicting a burgeoning economy despite everything else going tits up. Cameron and his Eton-biscuit-game chums seem to be of the opinion that the oft-repeated lies will batter the public into compliance regarding the monkey shines these fuckers keep feeding us. The poor are evil, immigrants will eat you, and your money is safe with us.

The galling reality is that even the politicians themselves don’t believe the tide of shit they shove our way. Some of them, like Blair, enter this messianic state of reality-collapse where black is white and up is down and everything they say is right, but the people in charge of fucking up the lives of the majority have no conviction in their own lies. You can almost see the shrugged shoulders and disinterested looks in their attitudes as they wait out the next five years until that cushy private number comes up. Politics is a stop gap to bigger, more lucrative careers, and our elected leaders know this full well and are more than prepared to kill off sections of the populace to achieve their monetary aims. This can only explain the Conservative party’s attitude to welfare and the public sector.

On the other hand, Corbyn – so far – appears to be reasonably honest. On the one hand he seems straight forward enough, and all those hard right Labour party fifth columnists straight from Tory central rallying against him have a history of being massive dick punchers, but on the other hand, he IS a politician, and politicians are, genetically, lying monkey toss, so we shall see.

Joke Corner:

Man A: I say, I say, I say, how many nuns does it take to change a lightbulb?

Man B: David Cameron fucked a dead pig.

Cunt Corner

Well, Cunt Corner has certainly thrown up a rancid collection of gutter sniping thought-lies from the robots in the tabloids, goose stepping their fictional wank around the propaganda straight from Tory Central Office. Saying that, The Mail had a headline this morn (29th Sept) about a failing NHS which didn’t make the cut, as it’s true, so reluctantly I had to leave those cunts out of the running for that one.

The Mail and the Scum have both got it in for Corbyn, as expected – The Scum because they’re Murdoch’s open-arseholed lapdogs begging from treats, waiting expectantly for some antipodean commands right up the jacksey to impregnate their brains with anti-Labour rhetoric, and The Mail because they’re just nasty, feckless, pointless, bin-scraping cuntheads. The Scum and The Sexpress have both chipped in at the migrants – a-fucking-gain – because they’re racist bigots who would chow down on Hitler’s wrinkled cheesy helmet if the opportunity arose.

The anal polyps at The Mail also had a go at charities, tarring all of them with the same feather, because they have blood made out of vitriol and self-loathing. Strangely enough nothing from The Star this week as they’ve mostly been rooting through the bins of Celebrity News for their headlines.

Did you know that journalists from The Sun, The Mail, The Star and The Express spend fifty percent of their waking hours wanking and crying? Fact.

With the Labour party conference in full swing I expect some anti-Corbyn rhetoric from the Press Cunts for the rest of the week, and some major toadying from the tabloids the week after when the Conservative Party take enough time out from fucking dead farmyard animals to congregate in Manchester to flaunt their wealth to the poor and ram pineapples up each other’s sphincters. Come on – you know they do it! They’re fucking Tories, for cunt’s sake!

More light hearted bollocks next week, Cunt Corner chums!

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It is a sad state of affairs when the leader of this country can be ruthlessly mocked for a scurrilous allegation unsupported by evidence that they may have indulged in penile relations of a porcine nature. It is unprecedented in modern times that a man who stands as a representative of the pinnacle of British politics can be accused, in however unrepresentative a fashion, of taking part in a hazing ritual which somehow ended up with a liaison between a genital area of the body and a deceased pig. How degraded are we, as a society, when the common man can gain entertainment from the allegations made by a disgruntled ex-Tory donor that the figurehead of this nation has, at some point in his burgeoning career as a student of one of our most hallowed institutions, at some point combined the scrotal area of his lower parts with that of a lifeless oinker. How terrible it is that social media, a platform for the dissemination of knowledge and opinion, should be swamped with these scurrilously unfounded rumours, repeated again and again by people who should know better, that the man who negotiates with presidents and royalty throughout the world should stand accused of inserting parts of his anatomy only his wife should see into the mouth of an extinct porker. It would be wholly unjustified to endlessly repeat the rumour that, allegedly – and with no evidence whatsoever to back it up – the shining light of Conservative ideology should have been coerced into a situation where only the most degraded and demoralised would go, which is the little known fetish of dead pig oral satisfaction.

Luckily this column is far too erudite to keep propagating such an unsubstantiated allegation that David Cameron shoved his cock in a pig’s mouth, as that would be unfair, and quite rightly Conservative central office have chosen to ignore the whole debacle, which could be the vengeful act of a man who coughed up eight million into the Tory coffers and didn’t even receive a cushy backroom job as a thank you.

There are over six hundred and fifty ministers sitting in the Houses of Parliament. It is only a matter of statistics that some of them should like to indulge in sexual favours of the porcine kind. If you think back to cases like Stephen Milligan and Mark Oaten, the unfounded rumours about Our Dear Leader seem positively average by comparison.

There must be something about power which pushes people into these kinds of acts. After all, it takes a certain type of person to disregard the suffering and poverty of many, so the concept of auto-asphyxiation, scatological shenanigans and fucking a pre-op bacon sandwich would seem like small beans compared to what these fuckers usually get up to with their policies. “Another report about dead paups, Jeeves? Stick it in the fire and find me some more benefits to cut off! And fetch me Porky. I feel like some lovin’ tonight!!”

Joke Corner:

Man A: How many Conservatives does it take a change a light bulb?

Man B: Depends if it’s shaped like a pig with a sexy mouth. And Richard Desmond is a cunt.

Cunt Corner

The cuntishness started out well since the last Cunt Corner, as The Sun has a pop at Corbyn after everyone else has grown tired of it and The Express ramp up their anti-Euro fever. Not to be outdone The Daily Fucking Mail have a go at refugees by claiming that most of them aren’t Syrians, so we should drown them in a bucket or something – I don’t know, I never get past the headlines with these cunts.

Anyway, the Daily Star wanks itself into a coma with the idea that the concept of bail means the streets are crawling with villains, and the following day the DailyWankyPissCockKnobMail realises it hasn’t had an anti-Corbyn headline for a while and goes straight for the rumour mill about his affair with Diane Abbott . At least Corbyn prefers human to bovine company!

Anyway, The Sun – under the command of the Evil Emperor Murdoch – has a pop at the Beeb, which is pretty standard since its competition for his global empire of Cunt, so fuck ‘em right in their non-bacon ear.

Statistics wise Migrants are still top of the league, mainly because the fucking Express and fucking Mail just CANNOT stop masturbating over corpses. Since Corbyn got elected the anti-Labour stats have gone up, which is to be expected. On a not-very-interesting note the allegations surrounding Cameron have been ignored by the right wing tabloids, with the Express banging on about a new way to delay ageing and the Star going on about giant rats again. Have they never read any James Herbert? Only The Mail make it a headline, and that’s mainly because they’re serialising Ashcroft’s book.

Top of the league for the cuntiest paper is, of course, The Mail, followed closely by The Express. Since Corbyn’s got the top non-pig fucking position in Labour The Sun have taken a sharp rise with their anti-Labour rhetoric and are closely bringing up the rear, much like your average Conservative does chasing a particularly sexy pig. The Star should start coming up with some Cunt Corner headlines now since Celebrity Big Brother is over and they can return to their real agenda or bigotry and misinformation posing as government propaganda.

More pig-related japes next week, Cunt Corner fans!

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Corbyn To Live In Underground Volcano Shock!

Corbyn has now been christened Grand Poobah of all he surveys. His first edict will be the destruction of the corporations, who shall all cower in penury as he strides across the nation, bloodied talons gripping the corpses of the middle classes as he bites the heads off the Royals.

It’s all a load of old bollocks, really. The Conservative alumni who made up a vast majority of New Labour have all cast themselves into the briny depths, ignoring the fact that Corbyn was elected on a majority vote in all sectors. It took a day before the news channels started questioning Corbyn’s feminist principals – even before a full shadow cabinet had been assembled – and the tabloids have already started laying into him, as expected. He was castigated for not tugging his forelock to Andrew Marr and choosing to attend the Camden & Islington NHS Mental Health Trust’s Fun Day instead.  He’s just not dancing to the pipes that convention play, dammit!  Has this man no sense of tradition?

The Deputy Head is a man who has made it his mission to attack the media for its bias and government complicity.  The Shadow Chancellor has openly stated that he wants to transform capitalism.  These are not the sort of appointments to bring warmth to the hearts of the status quo, mired as it is in the complacency of political and social custom.  The talk is of anti-austerity, not kicking the weak when they’re down, which goes against the grain often repeated by the dregs of New Labour.  The message pumped out by Labour under Milliband’s tutelage has been a tacit agreement with the aims of the Conservatives, but achieved over a longer period.  This does not instill a lot of encouragement in a class already kicked into the gutter by the Cameron and his brood of acolytes.

What Corbyn stands for is an alternative to the austerity message propagated by the ruling elite and the media.  The alternative to a phalanx of millionaires telling you to live in poverty is not to agree with them, but instead to offer a different direction.  Whether Corbyn will be able to carry this off is open to conjecture, but so far the Tories have been driving the austerity bandwagon for over five years and it doesn’t appear to be making any change to the poverty trap.

A New Feudalism has opened up, where the rich really do work to keep the poor in their place.  Zero-hour contracts and the dissolution of the welfare state has brought a hand-to-mouth way of life to those on the bottom rung.  If Corbyn offers anything, it’s a change, and some people are listening.  It is too early to make predictions, but one thing appears to be certain – the elite are crapping themselves, just in case enough of the oppressed are open to the conversation.

Joke Corner:

Man A: Blimey – that diatribe above didn’t have many jokes in it?

Man B: Indeed, but Richard Desmond is still a cunt.

Cunt Corner

As you can imagine, the cunts in Cunt Corner have been wanking themselves in priapic self-loathing and fear that Corbyn has been elected and will now do a bit shit all over them. But before that, a quick look at the other headlines:

The Express and Mail have been sticking the knife into the EU and the Migrants respectively, and the Star have shat up some bollocks about law ‘n’ order gorn mad or some such shit. They make this bollocks up, anyway. Any cunt who believes anything these cunt papers say is a cunt.

And now onto Corbyn.

If the tabloids are to be believed Corbyn will destroy life as we know it. A quick scan of the headlines brings a selection of terrified mocking and downright fear. After all, Corbyn hates the fucking media because they are massive swivel eyed frothing wank buckets full of hysterically shrieking massive utter cunts like Littlejohn and Hopkins and all those bellend-shaped cock meisters who seem intent on shitting on life.

They started out by saying ‘Hah! Labour are dead!’ after the election, which quickly transformed into ‘don’t vote for them because they smell of wee and will abolish our brave boys and do a big plop on the Queen’. Well, actually The Tabs are a bit confused over the whole Royalty issue because The Mail says he’ll snub the Queen and the Sun says he’ll kiss her bottom.

Cunt figures for this week show us the Cunt Mail edging ahead of the Cunt Express, with the Cunt Star now in Cunt Last Cunt Position, pipped by The Cunt Sun who are slowly regaining their Cunt Headline Status. What a bunch of cunts.

More cunt japes next week, fans of headline mind-jizz!

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The Tabloid Press: Advocates for Justice or Fire Retardant Pants Specialists?

The hypocrisy of the national press can be quite startling at times. As our very own Lady Garden Corner points out every week, the tabloid press are a twisted collection of moral-free sociopathic sewer rats, hell bent on creating an atmosphere of fear and paranoia, just as long as they can flog a few copies of next day’s fish wrapper. Facts are an ephemeral concept, shouted down by hyperbole and opinion. It is much easier to stoke up a frothing mass of gimp eyed torch bearers by appealing to the unique British sense of Being a Cunt than it is to look at the bigger picture in regards to any story they cover. They are helpful shills to the ruling slack jawed throwbacks in parliament for the majority of the time, content to parrot whatever hateful bile this pitiful excuse for a government throw their way. All are aware of the social disunity they are causing, and both estates – politics and press – couldn’t give a shit either way. Lies are their stock-in-trade, and both excel in their goals.

The tabloids live on lies and bullshit. For more years than any sane person could want to remember the tabloid press, like the beaten curs they are, have been toadying the official government line that them foreign lots are all a big bunch of bastards hell bent on overthrowing the British way of life. Boat loads of immigrants have died, and the situation reported as regrettable but who gives a fuck when there’s Bingo to be played. Backed up by the steaming pile of elephant shit that is Cameron – who felt no twinge of regret when using language which parroted the Nazi regime in reference to immigrants – they have felt free to demonise and vilify without a smidgen of consideration for the humanity of the people they were denigrating. Until the body of three year old Aylan Kurdi was pictured on the Turkish shoreline, however, and then the whole tabloid press – bar The UKIP supporting Express – did a complete about face and started calling for affirmative action.

The rampant hypocrisy of their actions would be startling if it wasn’t so prevalent. They sniffed which way the public opinion was going, did a volte-face immediately, and suddenly acted like the previous decades of racist abuse heaped upon refugees had never existed. Even that eternal hypocrite Cameron was forced to open the borders to some extent, and has now agreed to give 20,000 Syrian refugees asylum. In a few weeks’ time we’ll be back to normal, and the hatred from the gutter press will once again pour forth like a shit fountain of bigotry. On the minus side, their continued existence is a complete degradation to society and a refutation of the concept of truth in journalism dictated over by a phalanx of toadying racists content to spread lies for coinage. On the plus side, more jokes for Cunt Corner, so it’s not all bad, eh, readers?

Joke Corner:

Man A: When is a door not a door?

Man B: When Richard Desmond is a cunt. Which is always

Cunt Corner

Fucking Nora – it’s been a right rum week for cunts in the press so far, and no mistaking!

First of all, let’s deal with the elephant in the room – which is how much of a cunt The Daily Express really is. Previous to this experiment I was under the impression The Sun and The Mail were the biggest shits on Turd Avenue, but the Express has proven itself to be The Mighty Cunt of All Cunts. Last week, when everyone else was reporting on the death of Aylan Kurdi and featuring it as front page news, the fucking Express were STILL banging out their anti-immigrant cock twaddle.

The Daily Cuntymail were letting the Cunt Corner side down this week, only managing one Social Scum headline slagging off charities, because all charities are evil as some of them act like cunts. Not like the tabloids, of course, who never act like wank baskets.

The Suncunt, noticeable by its absence lately, has come back in true Sun style by linking Labour with terrorism and sucking Cameron’s cockend in regards to the drone strike. I was in two minds whether to include the drone strike headline or not but in the end the sheer toadying bum-lickery of the Pro-Cameron headline garnered it a spot and a notch in the Pro-Tory rating spot.

More fucking bastard cunty japes next week, cunty headline fans!

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The Poor Make Wonderful Meat Pie Filler

It is now official – The Conservative Party are actively trying to kill off the poor, probably to supply the filling for a new ‘Pauper Pie’ range from Gingsters. At the moment the first targets are the disabled as it’s a lot easier to catch them, but with the current state of welfare the new government appointed Pie Catchers will be scouring the streets, scooping up the homeless, and chucking them into a mincer to sell on to artisan café’s so rich people can literally taste the tears of poverty.

The Department of Work and Pensions, being the sort of department which would refute that their pants were on fire even as the flames were licking at their scrotum, denied all culpability in the culling. In response to figures released by their own department, a Satanic homunculi from Grey Hell stated “These isolated figures provide limited scope for analysis, and nothing can be gained from this publication that would allow the reader to form any judgment as to the effects or impacts of the WCA.”

By now people are used to the idea of the Government ignoring the elephant in the room stamping on their bollocks repeatedly, as with claims that more people are using food banks only because they are more aware of them, rather than the grinding poverty people have to live with forcing them to beg for food. The reality is the Tory party fully understand and realise their policies are causing people to die, but like Tony Blairs during the Iraq War it is much easier to claim the devastation caused is for the greater good than deal with the blood on their hands. In the end the only comeuppance their actions will cause is, eventually, they’ll get booted out of parliament, by which point they will have lined up a lucrative string of corporate posts designed to influence the policies of the next party in power, regardless of their political persuasion.

The situation is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. The media can stress that the Tory party came into power on a majority vote, but they only won on the choices made by 24.3 per cent of registered voters, which does not exactly count as a ringing endorsement for their ideology. On the other hand, it does point out what a barrel of monkey shit Ed Millitwat must have been if you’re so ineffectual a bunch of barely humanoid laboratory bred chinless wonders can piss all over your parliamentary dreams by campaigning for more pauper deaths.

Wes Craven died this weekend. Amongst his many successes (and notable failures – yes, I’m looking at you Deadly Friend) he wrote and directed the classic ‘The Hills Have Eyes’. The plot concerns a group of cannibals who prey on travellers passing through the territory, and in a way the story very much reminds me of the current administration. The cannibals/Tories live on high, feasting on the flesh of the working man, until eventually their acts become so depraved the working man has no choice but to fight back by smashing their stupid faces in with a big rock. And they’re all inbred, which makes them exactly like the Tory front bench for a start.

Joke Corner:

Man A: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge?

Doctor: Let me guess – the punchline to this will probably be ‘Richard Desmond is a cunt’?

Man A: Not necessarily. It could be ‘Ian Duncan Smith is a cunt’. Which he is.

Doctor: He certainly is.

Man A: Richard Desmond is also a cunt.

Doctor: And Paul Dacre.

Man A: Yes. What a shower of cunts.

Doctor: Yes

Cunt Corner

Cunt Corner has reached a pinnacle of Cuntishness this week, with no less than The Daily Mailcunt managing to log up THREE WHOLE CUNT POINTS with one headline alone

On the 29th of August in the year of our Lord 2015, The Mail produced this headline: ‘African Mum of Quins Let Off £145K NHS Bill’, thus managing to have a pop at migrants, the NHS, and log one up for racism at the same time!! (Racism points are points awarded for picking on specific nationalities rather than lumping everyone in with the ‘anti-immigrant’ toss they usually produce).

This is a milestone in Cunt Corner history. From this point on the other papers are going to have to ruddy well cunting pick up their game a bit if they’re ever going to compete with such utter UTTER cuntishness in the Mail

Seriously, after reading the current crop of headlines I can only surmise that Dacre and Desmond must wank themselves to death over Mein Kampf every night. As per usual it’s the bog standard anti-immigration stuff, because The Mail and Express are fucking OBSESSED

Slight change to the scoring system since the ‘Bloody charities’ Mail headline of the 1st Sept. I have replaced the ‘Workers Rights’ column with a general ‘Social Scum!’ heading to encompass any headline designed to shit all over people’s rights/charities of all descriptions. Being pro-Tory the tabloid cunts wish to attack anything which highlights the Tory failings – i.e., the rise in the need for charities (and in previous cases worker’s rights)

Anyway, tune in for more fucking shit cunt wank headlines from bastard toss bellend cuntfuck pisswank cunty shit bastard tabloids run by cunty great cunt bastards next week, Cunt Corner chums!

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