Archive for October, 2015

Eat Humble Balls, Osbourne!

Posted: October 27, 2015 in Uncategorized

It would a churlish and infantile person who gloated at the misfortune of George Osbourne and his plans for paup-death across the feral classes. The second defeat in the House of Lords of his controversial plans to cut tax credits to the working poor must be a personal and professional set-back to the elected Chancellor and a step backwards for a political party with a majority vote, and it would be unseemly to gloat on their tribulations.  But fuck them, the paup killing shitbags – they deserve every hob nailed boot which gets aimed at their cancerous old knackers.  They’re like bloody merecats, peering about, looking a bit confused, and completely oblivious to the wider world around them.  Even the rank and file of their own troops found the concept of knacker-stamping on the neediest in society one step too far down the route of social cleansing.  On the other hand they probably calculated there were a lot of middle class votes in it, and acted accordingly to save their own arses from the chop.  You never can tell with politicians – they’re such a greedy bunch of self serving cock heads it’s hard to judge whether their actions are for the greater good or their own financial and political interests.

Still, whatever the motivation behind it, at least that scabrous lump of malodorous effluence got the V’s flicked right in his witless, befuddled face. As is traditional for a Tory boy who doesn’t get his own way Osborne has now taken to throwing his toys out of the pram and whining that he wished he was adopted because the House of Lords won’t give him his cake.  The Tory party, being the shitty bags of bile filled homunculi they are, have decided they’re going to take a look at how the House of Lords handle ‘constitutional issues’ (meaning anything the Tories want to push through which gets defeated), which will probably end up with Field Marshall Oberleutnant David Von Cuntbollocks driving a tank into Westminster and taking out the coffin dodgers with a few aimed salvos.

They got fucked trying to off a few more paups, and for that the democratic process should be applauded. However, Osborne, being the sort of person who ate the silver spoon that fed him and then used it to shit on a disabled begger, is still adamant that – despite the fact that people are going to die because he is a massive, festering cunt with a deranged and swivel eyed policy that’s the worrying side of social eugenics – he is still going to plough on with making sure we return to a pre-Dickins England, where gutter snipes doff their caps while fops and beaus cast shiny coins at street urchins.  He lives in a deranged fantasy land where he is King Cock and everyone else are his servant pubes, with the working poor being the crabs he aims to scratch out of his hairy bollock jungle.  Hopefully the concerted efforts of right minded folk will see that his policies are run over repeatedly by a steamroller, followed by him, the evil cunt.

Joke Corner:

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman all walked into a pub. Then they kicked the living shit out of George Osborne, as he is a massive cunt intent on nothing less than the rise of a new empire of Tory Lebensraum, where the poor live in caves and fight each other on motorbikes for oil.

Cunt Corner

Sad to say that Cunt Corner is a bit shit today. Where once it would have been gambolling through the fields, flinging turds at migrants and Corbyn, it has now been reduced to a quivery mass of pulchritudinous toss, wanking on about dodgy Arabs and hospital parking.

To be fair the Scum and The Mule have their usual racist pop at them foreign lot with some more anti-migrant wank bollocks, but it’s frankly poor considering how vehemently pro-Nazi they’ve been over the last few months. The Star think they’re back in the eighties with some ‘bloody Arabs’ piece of wank, and The Scum toddle out some piss poor shite about some cunt boss with a cunt numberplate being a cunt.

The big story is obviously Osborne getting a fucking good kicking from the Lords, but they’ve chosen to ignore that and shove up a load of old shit about bacon and sausages and some such crap.  Ideal distraction technique.  Rather than admit the party they’ve been sucking off over the last few months are so vile and cancerous that even the posh nobs in the House of Lords think they’re a bunch of cunts, they’ve decided to try and convince us some shit with bacon is the main topic of news for the day.  The Star, Express and Sun have gone with the bacon/sausage angle, with only The Mail wanking on about something else, although not the Tory defeat.

We’re lucky to have this sort of press in the UK. Instead of one Pravda/Der Sturmer, we’ve got four of the fuckers, all clamouring for a taste of Cameron’s winnits to show the Tory scum in charge what good lapdogs they’ve been.  Who says the British press are a bunch of spineless cunts?  Well, me for a start.

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Where am I?

Posted: October 23, 2015 in Uncategorized

A slightly later and smaller version of Sortitaht this week due to illness.

Cor, lumme. Those politicians, eh?  What a bunch of self-serving cunts!  What’s all this about cutting off tax credits to the poorest?  What a bunch of wankers.  They should ruddy well pack their ideas up and sodding well flip off, in my opinion!  They couldn’t bloody well parliament their way out of paper bag, if you ask me!  All a bunch of ruddy flips!

But seriously, ladies and other species and those fifteen people left who keep reading this because I know where the photos are, politics has always been a haven for scum and villainy. To endlessly go on about how much of a big bunch of big dangly badger’s bollocks they are, week in and week out, is basically belabouring the bloody point somewhat.  All you need to do to see what a bunch of sexually deviant philandering bribe-taking coprophiliacs politicians are is turn on the news, except the ruddy corporations have bought all the news outlets and so they consequently tow the party line, right, kids?!

From now on this column will only be about happy things.

Ahem.

My, the sky is certainly an interesting shape of blue. Autumn is here, and all the trees look rather lovely with their coating of russet leaves.  Or they would do if the fucking government weren’t set in burning the lot down to make firewood to burn the paups on, the bloody great big fucking shitbag bollocks!!

Let’s try that one again.

You know what makes me happy? The playful antics of a basketful of kittens.  KITTENS WHICH HAVE HAD ALL THEIR MONEY TAKEN AWAY FROM THEM BY THE FASCIST JUNTA BASTARD TORIES!!!!

It’s no good. I find I am incapable of writing something like ‘David Cameron has a lovely smile’, especially knowing that his smile has been used to consume the souls of the damned (for ‘damned’ read ‘Northerners’.)  Not content with fucking over the flatcap wearing whippet owning types he’s laying a great big swathe of Tory coated shit through the South as well, turning the UK into Paupland, where elegant fops and beaus parade through the street throwing diamond encrusted turds at the common folk as they scrabble around in the gutter punching each other in the goolies for coins.  That, dear friends, is Cameron’s Britain.  What a cunt.

Next week’s Sortitaht will hopefully return to normal without the influence of heavy doses of Bastard Strength Lemsip.

Joke Corner:

Man A: I’ve farted.

Man B:  Yes

Cunt Corner

Cunt corner this week will cover the usual Wednesday to Tuesday timescale, despite me writing this on a Friday.

Anyway, the tabloids have been, as usual, particularly cunty this week, with Friday 16th being a special cunt day in Cuntland.

Wednesday saw The Mail act the cunt with yet another of their massively xenophobic racist attacks on the poor fuckers trying to get over here, with some no doubt spurious links to the truth with some bollocks about limos and asylum seekers.  The Mail just can’t seem to get over the fact that the Nazi’s lost the war, and keep clinging to their 1930s editorial policy of calling Hitler a top bloke.

Anyway, Thursday The Sun joined the Cunt Cavalcade with some more racist shit, along with The Mail helping to dismantle the NHS, and then on Friday it all went shit bucket-tastic. The Mail and Express bummed each other into narcolepsy with more frothing anti-migrant bullshit pulled out of the arse of whatever deranged neo-fascist shit machine which farts this mighty bollocks of lies out, while The Sun thought they’d have a dig at the NHS just for existing.  Yes, you Sun cunts, we all know parking charges are a massive wankfest of jizz stained bellends, but they were only introduced because The Tories made it so back in Thatcher’s day, you fucking crusty old cheesy helmets.  Now fuck off and report some news, you indolent feckless wank biscuits.

On evidence based cuntiness the migrants are, as usual, top of the league, with even Corbyn-bashing taking a backbench to their racism.  And The Mail go soaring ahead of the ‘who’s the biggest cunt paper in the UK, grandpa?’ question, leaping a full 7 places ahead of their nearest cunt rival, The Express.  The Sun’s catching up, though, and the poor old Star is too obsessed with whichever minor celeb they’re plugging to even get a look in.

More japes next week, Cunt Corner chums!

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Buck Up, Plebs

Posted: October 13, 2015 in Uncategorized

If there’s one thing commentating on the political machinations of the government has taught me over the years it’s that we should all stop whining and be thankful for our lot. I know it seems as though this column is a random series of swears and slander at the political forces, but there comes a time in every person’s life where they have to face the fact that the people in charge are just trying their best, and we should be thankful for the hard work and dedication they put into their jobs. The basic precepts of industriousness and honesty are the founding principles which those in power are trying to encourage in the labour force, and the fact that we – as a nation – are not one hundred per cent behind them should be a mark of shame against us.

It is easy to say something along the lines of, “The fucking Tories are a bunch of trough-snuffling shitbags hellbent on shafting the country over a barrel because they can’t get their cancerous, greedy trotters on enough money to keep them in burning paupers for their bonfires made of orphans tears” but that would be churlish. Yes, they may come across like a slavering horde of witless greed-driven fuck monkeys incapable of letting the concept of compassion pass through their tar ridden hearts as they cackle manically while another hospital closes or another family are thrown into the gutter because the rents are too high, but we forget the good they do for the country, such as chowing down on the cheesy helmets of big business and trading weapons to despotic regimes which the Tory party wish this country would become.

Wouldn’t this nation be a more positive, forward thinking place if we collectively paid more attention to the economy and less to welfare? If we all agreed that people with fuck loads of money and no morals are much better suited to take care of the masses of poverty stricken worker units of UK Ltd then the economy would bolster as profits are turned back into the pockets of those who create the wealth and those needy and greedy on the bottom rung of the ladder would quite rightly be abandoned to the salt mines to rot. As the ruling elite so often remind us, if you need a hand up then you’re not trying hard enough. If you live in poverty it’s because you don’t deserve a standard of living. If you’re ill it’s probably your own fault. If you die a paup through neglect and a teetering social service, it’s not because the Tories are a massive pile of festering labias obsessed with dick punching the poor into death, but rather because you’re lazy. Yes, you, right there, reading this now, because politicians are love and warmth and gumdrop smiles, and not malodorous spunk monkeys from the land of cunt.

Joke Corner:

Man:    Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge!

Doctor: What’s come over you?

Man: David Cameron’s man jizz when he thought I was a dead pig!

Cunt Corner

What a chirpy bunch of massive cockends the papers have been this week. The Felch and the Wank – excuse me – the Sun and the Star have been neglecting their rightful duties as major ringpieces in the news-gathering agenda, and even the Wankytossbellend – excuse me – Mail have only managed to masturbate out two lies this week, but luckily Der Sturmer – excuse me – The Express has managed to jizz a load of big old manky bellend sputum over the front pages with a big mass of piles ridden cock.

Migrants come in for yet another kicking from the Mule and the Exshit, and The Mule want Mike Watson to genuflect in front of parliament for the Leon Brittan misunderstanding. The Express do a classic bit of ‘Uman Rights Gorn Mad!!’ bollocks about then police not being allowed to wear ‘in memorium’ badges on their uniforms. As usual this is complete cunt and the police are allowed to wear the badges at the discretion of their supervisors. It’s only because it’s not part of the regulation uniform that this has arisen, and The Express has tried to stir up the usual shit because they’re a bunch of worm ridden walking corpses intent on fucking the life out of truth with a big pineapple. They are cunts.

The Express also do a bit of publicity for Boris Johnson, because they’re toadying shits.

On another note, Celeb Big Brother has started, so we’ll probably get fuck all from The Star in regards Cunt Corner material as they dedicate their front pages to promoting the anal effluence Richard Desmond spews out of his mouth in an attempt to pump up the viewing figures.

As always the anti-migrant topic leads the way, with all other topics floundering against the collective racism of the tabloids. The Mail had been scooting ahead with their cuntishness over the past few weeks, but the Express are quickly catching up, obviously realising that the Sortitaht ‘Cunt of the Year’ awards are coming up in December, and they have to strive hard to push that cunt quota up.

More Cunt Corner Quirks next fucking bastard shit bollocks fanny batter arsehole bellend week, Cunt Corner chums!

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Forward Into Oblivion

Posted: October 6, 2015 in Uncategorized

With the inspiring news that the Tories are now the party of labour, and that Jeremy Hunt knows for a fact that the poor and feckless and lazy, and that old people should be pitchforked into their open graves as soon as possible, Satire has officially taken the day off and disappeared to write gags about David Cameron and non-consensual dead pig fucking.

This is not the first time that Satire appears to be redundant. Since David Cameron and his pack of boggle eyed Chihuahuas got into power their proclamations to be down wiv da kids whilst using flintlock pistols to keep the poor and the needy at bay from their massive piles of Nazi gold have become increasingly disengaged from reality. They appear to have latched onto the doctrine that the unwashed masses will believe any old bullshit they fling their way, as long as they thump the jingoistic tub and give people carte blanche to have a go at them foreigners for their dire financial straits, rather than the bastards in the banks. Whether people are buying this credo of cock is open to question. A lot of ordure is argued about whether the fish wrappers that preach UberCuntnent Cameron’s doctrine of free love and austerity have any credence, especially when circulation figures for all daily comics are plunging (apart from The Times).

With society in the state it currently is banging out a blog about how shite the current state of society is seems redundant. I could write that Jeremy Hunt thinks poor people should wank off camels for coins and the clueless shrivelled dick of a man would announce it the next day as official policy. The right wing has become a parody of itself, spouting more intense proclamations aimed to curb freedom and democracy and scoop vast piles of money into their grasping hands with each passing day. When the Taxpayers Alliance talk of reducing pensions because a lot of the wrinklies will be dead by the time winter comes around there is little room for the satirist to make any statement, because all absurdities have been reached.

The avenues for satire are diminished. People often cite Private Eye as anti-establishment, but people also forget the Eye is just an Eton rag made good, run by a bunch of ex-public schoolboys giggling behind their hands because they called teacher a plopface. Steve Bell holds the torch for proper Hogarthian satire, but apart from that everyone else is shite. We are floundering in a currency where reality IS the satire, from Cameron allegedly getting sexy with a porker to the Labour party tramping on the fingers of a leader who espouses the commitments the fucking party was created for in the first place. By the end of the Tory conference the Mussolini-lites which make up the right wing will have filled the bullshit meter with a torrent of outrageous statements which would make Swift hang his head and weep, and at that point we might as well consign jokes about politics into the bin because the wankers at the tiller have already pre-empted any ‘Hah! What a bunch of Hitlers!’ comments by acting like a bunch of Hitlers.

On the other hand, a great deal of pleasure can be garnered by calling the Tories a bunch of pig fucking anal polyps, so fuck them right in their witless, uncomprehending, clueless faces.

Joke Corner:

Man:    Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!

Doctor: David Cameron fucked a dead pig.

Cunt Corner

Cunt Corner has been particularly witless this past seven days. Where I expected a cornucopia of anti-Corbyn headlines there was basically fuck all, with the tabloids saving their vitriol for the inside pages and just spurting out some cock jizz about coppers and GPs, both of which are a bit fucking dull. After the weekend the Mail came back with some bullshit outrage about why people will be rioting on the streets because they’d have to pay for a plastic bag, and The Sun doing their bit for Murdoch’s empire by having another go at the Beeb, but basically it was a fucking load of old cunty bollocks. Cunt shit piss wank.

In a way, the tabloids are about as useful as a mountain made of cocks. I’ve no idea why, but it amused me to use the phrase ‘a mountain made of cocks’. I should be writing for the fucking Guardian with whizzo top notch stuff like that. You don’t see them ever sneaking the phrase ‘cunty old bag of wrinkled bollocks’ into their pages, do you?!

Anyway, overall The Mail is the biggest cunts out there, zooming ahead of the Express who looked like they might take their Cunt Corner Crown at one point. We have some competition from The Sun, who have been shaken out of their stupor by anti-Beeb and anti-Corbyn propaganda, and the Star are just… fucking pointless, really.

More cutting edge satire next week, Cunt Corner chums!

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