Archive for November, 2015

There’s only one way to deal with terrorists, and that’s to bomb the living shit out of everything in a twelve mile radius until even the corpses have decided to go home.  The reason for this is that all world leaders who use the military options have tiny trouser trumpets, and it’s the only way they can get a stiffy.

Only joking.  I’m sure they’ve all got tackle like a python with a gridiron helmet on nestled between two hairy space hoppers, but the reality is the option of laying waste to all and sundry does seem to be the plan of choice when it comes to stomping on the enemy.  It’s as though the tacticians are stuck in the age of the dambusters, where all it took to sort out Johnny Foreigner was a bit of true grit and a fuck load of artillery.  The main problem with this option is that it tends to lead to a lot of civilian casualties, thus making people angry, and thus pushing up the recruitment for ISIS.

But what sort of solution is there?  Diplomacy won’t help because ISIS doesn’t have truck with them Western ways.  No one wants to put boots on the ground as it’s a guaranteed vote loser.  The hawks might start out wanking themselves into a coma over the idea of invasion, but as a series of ground wars over the years have proven that tactic tends to lead to a fucking huge global balls up due to the lack of any twat in charge having any clue what the crunting fruck they’re supposed to do after they’ve swept the bodies under the carpet.

Still, Cameron has to give his winky a shot at getting a semi, and so has decided to make the gesture of flinging a load of readies at the armed forces in order to keep the cunts at The Mail, The Sun and The Express in tub thumping, jingoistic headlines for another few years.  Mind you, there are several theories as to what we should do to solve a problem like ISIS, and most of that involves turning Syria into Mad Max land.  If you talk to the people fighting them on the ground their main complaint is Assad’s barrel bombs, which are inflicting a wank load of damage to the infrastructure, and therefore a no-fly-zone would be an option so they could fight back against Assad and ISIS, but fuck it if the suits in power are actually going to listen to the bastards who have the most experience in these matters.  Much easier to carpet bomb the Middle East and pretend they’re doing some good.

Saying that, continual bombing does seem to be fucking up the oil trade for ISIS, and when they start losing money to pay their troops then chances are they’ll start fucking off once the cash runs out.  So I guess the real solution is ‘fucked if I know’.

On the other hand, Star Wars:  The Force Awakens opens in December, so let’s hope that doesn’t compound the universal misery by being shit.

Joke Corner:

Man:  Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!

Doctor:  Pull yourself together!

Man:  I can’t!  I mean, I actually feel like a pair of curtains.  Blue ones.

Doctor:  Blimey, this man’s insane!  You must be Paul Dacre!

Man:  I can’t be – I’m not a MASSIVE CUNT!

Cunt Corner

Most of the contents of Cunt Corner have been focused on Jihadis hiding under the bed or lurking around every corner.  The Express seem particularly obsessed (as fucking usual), and manage to up the ‘reds under the bed’ style paranoia, reminding us that they’re plotting both a chemical and missile attack on Blighty, and therefore we should chuck a spunk load of cash at the troops and build more bombs and have an aircraft carrier in every Tescos.  The missile and gas attack are old news, and are slung out every time the defence secretary wants to up his budget a bit more.  I’ve added their collective paranoia to the ‘General anti-social bollocks’ category, as it seems hell bent on making us afraid to step out of the front door.  Of course, it wouldn’t be The Express without a pop at the migrants, so the edition on the 19th manages to crow about some grizzled old judge saying them foreigns have to learn propa fakkin English loike wot us cants in Englaaaaaaaaaand do.  Silly old fool.

Nothing from The Star this week as Celebrity Cock Smoker is back on’t telly, and only one from The Sun, having a go at muslims again, in a very dodgy poll where they rang up ‘people with muslim surnames’ to get the result they wanted.  I did a poll the other day – ‘Is The Sun Full Of Wankers’ – the results were 100% in favour as I only asked myself.  See how easy it is to slant these polls?

The Mail seemed to have stepped back in time to their ‘ban this sick filth’ days by having a go at cinemas for refusing to show a pro-praying advert.  For those who remember, The Mail have a proud history of clueless fuckwittedness concerning Them Modern Things, and originally started the ‘video nasties’ panic back in olden days.  Since then they have kept up the proud tradition of making up shit and having a go at films/games/videos for what I can only assume is a Luddite agenda to bring the shadow puppet theatre back into prominence.

Anyway, no surprises to see the migrant and general anti-social bollocks are almost neck and neck in the polls at the moment, and as regards the newspapers own personal cunt rating The Mail is still ahead, being the cuntiest of all papers, but The Express have been on a real drive to top that cunt poll by the end of the year.  Only 4 more weeks to go before out special ‘Massive Cunt Corner Christmas Special’ on 22nd December, so keep those cunt headlines coming!

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Pourquoi?

Posted: November 17, 2015 in Uncategorized

Dealing with something as serious as the Paris attacks in a humorous light has thrown up a variety of reactions, from John’s Oliver’s impassioned ‘Fuck you, arseholes’ to a repeat of David Wong’s ‘6 Ways to Keep Terrorists From Ruining the World’ on Cracked.com, originally written in response to the Charlie Hebdo attacks but equally as valid now.

For me The Daily Mash summed it up best with a two simple pieces, ‘Decadent western lifestyles expected to continue’ and ‘Syria same’ which highlight the ongoing state of affairs.

The overall mood from the mainstream has been to tiptoe through the facts, respect the dead, and follow up with speculative hand wringing about what the future might entail, with an overall air of defiance.

The right wing have been quick to jump on the refugee-bashing and border-closing bandwagon and the French government reacted with a new wave of bombings.  Meanwhile the relatives mourn and the world grows a little darker.

There is no coherent policy to the Middle East situation, which is why it resembles a messy game of Risk rather than a concerted reaction to deal with the situation.  Revenge acts of carpet bombings breed more discontent, which then leads to more terrorist acts, which then leads to more carpet bombings, which carries on the cycle.

The answer to the perpetual motion of cause-and-effect-warfare should be down to wiser minds than the hawks and the doves rattling the cages of power, but since no one can agree on a strategy the machine will grind on as normal.  Do you bomb or do you negotiate?  Acts of revenge lead to further acts of revenge, and the fear and paranoia build on a daily basis, perpetuated from both sides hell bent on knee jerk responses to compound their ideologies.  Meanwhile people with nothing to do with either side end up dead.

This is a column of knob gags and calling George Osborne a twat.  Let’s carry on as normal.

Joke Corner:

Man A:  Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge!

Doctor:  George Osborne is a twat.

Man A:  Yes, I suppose he is.

Doctor:  Then we’re agreed.

Man A:  Yes.

Doctor:  Yes.

Man A:  Right.  Er….  I’ll be off, then.

Cunt Corner

Events before the attacks on Paris on Friday were pretty much par for the course in Cunt Corner, with the Daily Mail reminding us how awful society was as part of their ongoing ‘Suicide Encouragement’ week as they took pot shots at various public institutions.  Last week we highlighted their disgust for the NHS.  This week they have a go at the plod, because what this country really needs is hoards of journos keeping the peace.

The Express were straight in there with their usual anti-migrant bollocks, with the Sun wanking on with an anti EU/migrant hybrid.  The following day The Mail, obviously feeling as though they’re losing out on the anti-migrant bandwagon, basically copied The previous day’s Sun headline, and the Star conjured up some spurious unconfirmed reports about the downed Egypt plane being brought down by a UK Jihadi bomb, with the basic message being ‘watch out for them Muslims’.  Basic fear-mongering racism, in other words.

Despite the calls for unity from Obama and Hollande, the Mail just can’t stop themselves having a go at refugees on the Sunday, two days after the Paris attacks.  That’s why we should turn our backs on anyone fleeing conflict, was the message, because all refugees are killers.  Monday’s shit tickets brought in a mixture of paranoia and anti-migrancy, with The Express reminding us that them Jihadis are everywhere in the UK, so keep the door shut and vote UKIP.   The Star have a pop at the migrants, hinting that helping refugees leads to terrorism.

So, the usual bullshit as normal.  The Mail, as always, is leading the Shit Pack by a good margin.

Anyway, Sortitaht chums, a return to normal next week, with an in-depth and carefully researched article about why David Cameron has a tiny pee-pee, and George Osborne is actually a monster made of rectal warts, given life by the Gods of Moneterism.

Your Manager Is Trying To Kill You

Posted: November 10, 2015 in Uncategorized

Take a good long look at your manager. Watch them, as they bumble about the office, bouncing off the furniture, drooling, and setting back the evolutionary step one pointless decision at a time.  Your manager earns more than you, and has reached that business peak by being fucking useless at anything else other than stealing ideas, sucking the arse of the manager above them, and talking stupendous amounts of worthless toss whilst stamping on those below.

Think about it – when was the last time you had a decent manager, or even one who could make an informed and correct decision based on the facts they had in front of them, and not whatever spurious ego-fantasy which drove them into the position of power in the first place. Now, imagine that shoved into a cunt-making machine and blown up into a thousand times more feckless and in need to smothering and you have your average politician, which can only explain why they’re such utterly pointless enormo-cocks hell bent on shitting on your head as much as possible, oblivious to the devastation caused by their incompetence.

Some managers are good, but they are very few and far between. Most of them are bleating children intent on collecting as many pies as possible to shove into their gormless faces whilst hurling a series of toys out of prams and blaming everyone else for the big shit they’ve done on the carpet – usually a previous manager who was just as incompetent.  The ruling party we have at the moment, and a great deal of the opposition, are these grey suited ego-driven bellends.  Think about the series of life-crushing decisions being made at the moment.  Think about the utter worthlessness of everything these pointless pig fuckers do and everything they stand for, jisming out their stock phrases for Question Time while doing their best to fuck over the paups with no qualms or conscience, and you realise the country is managed by incompetent twats.

The problem could be power, or it could just be the human condition. Reasonable people turn into witless incompetents once they get a whiff of the stepladder to success.  It takes a very unique person to not be swayed by the voices of monetarism whisperings sweet bribes into your ear once you start up that greasy ladder.  Maybe some politicians and managers start out with good intentions, but a combination of being a useless cunt and loving big piles of power and money somehow draw them to the dark side.

On the other hand, looking at some of the greasy shits on the front bench makes me realise that some of these cock monkeys have always been prime labias of the wankiest proportions (and that’s swearing). One look at that Bullingdon photograph with Cameron and the other fuckholes lounging around just waiting for a punch in the bollocks makes me realise we were fucked from day one, when Call Me Dave decided it wasn’t enough to fuck a dead pig, and his real ambition was to fuck the paups so he and his cabinet of cunts could snuggle up to bed with the warm feeling of having the dead on their conscience to keep them smiling through their dreams.

On the other hand – cor, lumme, it’s a tough old game being a manager, isn’t it? All those people demanding stuff and being difficult.  If only we could kill them all.

Joke Corner:

A man walked into a bar. Ouch!  It was an iron bar, welded by Osborne, because the man was a pauper, in a wheelchair, out of work, and an immigrant to boot, and Osborne’s a psychopathic bucket of shit intent on returning the UK to the feudal system, the cunt!

Cunt Corner

Bit of a slack week for Cunt Corner, I’m afraid (which is probably a good thing when I think about it). The end of last week was a bit off as far as scumbag headlines were concerned, but it’s nice to see the collective cunt tabloids getting back on the wagon this week, with The Express sucking up to Cams and his chums, The Mail goose stepping to the Tory agenda of fucking over the public services by neglecting to print anything about private enterprise being riven with fat cat cunts of the highest order, and The Scum throwing turds at Corbyn for not being servile enough.  Fuck you, papers, you scabrous pile of festering bum sores!

Only The Express and The Mail having a go on Tuesday, with The Mail wishing there was a concentration camp on every corner for public sector workers, and the Express spouting some old jism about the EU.

I’ve changed the rating system for Cunt Corner once again, with all anti-social stuff like feel bad stories about the NHS, coppers, EU, etc all under the banner of ‘General Anti-Social Bollocks’.

The Mail, as usual, is sweeping this year’s Cunt Corner award by the look of it, although The Sun and the Express are having a damn good last ditch attempt at Cunt Stardom.

More etc next week, etc chums!

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The Science of Politics

Posted: November 3, 2015 in Uncategorized

What could possibly possess a person to want to pursue a career in politics?  Is it the ambition for naked greed or the urge to see your enemies crushed beneath you and their bones scattered before their weeping families?  Is it an affectation for weird sexual practices, ones that usually involve wanking or dead farm animals?  Is it the case of the school twat who constantly gets digs from the older chaps in Eton because Squiffy McBrownpants has forgotten his place in the social hierarchy and needs a good sorting out, and has subsequently gone all crazy ape shit bonkers with Revenge Rage and decided to shaft humanity and show Tophat O’Moneybags that he’s just as good as the other chaps who play the biscuit game?  Is a searing and heartfelt need to try and change society for the better and make the lives of the ordinary person a bit more bearable against the collective might of people who shit money and fart redundancies as long as it will up their shareholder profile?  Is it just a seedy little knocking shop for privately educated shiny bellends in suits, content to cream as much from the public coffers as possible, make a few shady deals with Madeupistan for a nice tidy under-the-table profit and a seat on the board of some defence firm once your time in office is up, and then retire to a life of stamping on kittens and urinating on poor people?

The reality is it’s probably a combination of that lot above, coupled with an ego the size of King Kong’s bollocks.  Let’s face it, if you’re ambition in the world is to lord it over everyone else then you’re an egocentric cunt.  Corbyn just looks as though he’s fallen into the position by mistake, which is probably close to the truth.  Cameron is just a befuddled media cuntwit with no clue how to wipe his arse with anything less than the hopes and dreams of the common person, and is due to bimble through his job sucking the cheesy bellends of big business until he can retire and do a Blair.    Osborne is basically an evil shit who finds the suffering of others sexually fulfilling, and is intent on emptying the bowels of economic policy over the poor fuckers on the lowest rung.  I could pinpoint the deficiencies of everyone of those who seek to hold the great big stick of power and appear on Andrew Marr explaining why Trident is sexy and all the paups should keep it shut because they weren’t elected, the grasping little vipers, but that would be a book in itself!

The point is, there is always an angle to why a politician is in a position of power, and why they would want to be, and it’s usually a shit angle which smells of wee.  Power turns you into a massive cunt with shiny baubles where your common sense should be and pound signs where the conscience once existed.  Every now and then a good one gets through, but they are very few and far between.

I conclude with this thought – politicians, generally, are not only great big steaming buckets of crap, but half of them find it sexually fulfilling to upend that bucket over their heads.  And that, my friends, is a scientific fact.

Joke Corner:

Q: When is a door not a door?

A: When George Osborne shoves it up his arse.

Cunt Corner

Cunt Corner starts off with a terrific pile of manky old diseased bullshit with The Daily Mail going back to their roots and trying to stir up a moral panic over violent video games, because everyone who writes for The Mail is a witless throwback who wants to go back to the good old days of shadow puppet theatre and servant beating as forms of entertainment.  The hacker who brought down ‘Talk Talk’ is, obviously ‘a violent video game addict’ rather than just a normal spoddy teenager.  If you take into account that the last ‘violent video game’ I played – Saints Row 4 – had my character dressed in a pink tutu and beating up invading aliens with a giant dildo then you can understand that half of this moral panic, as always, is propagated by a bunch of crusty old luddites who can’t understand why today’s youth find that kind of thing amusing when they could be playing ‘Poke the Servant With the Sharpened Stick’.

Anyway, the Express chip in with their usual barely suppressed xenophobia about some bloke cheating us tax payers (unlike, say, the cunts at Amazon), whilst the Mail have another pop at the migrants, creating a nightmare scenario where the UK turns into something out of the film Soylent Green because Them Foreign Types keep coming over here.  The Sun leave out facts in their shriek piece about the plod asking people to Skype if they have an incident – the reality was the Skyping thing was a choice of many, including visiting the station, phoning, e-mail, etc, but The Sun want you to believe the UK is under threat of imminent anarchy unless you buy a Skybox.  Cunts.

The Mail kick in with more anti-foreign type rhetoric on the Tuesday with a piece about the UN wanking all the UK coins meant for Syria up the wall.  Is it an anti-UN piece, a pro-Syrian refugee piece, an anti or pro-foreign aid piece, or just some random, clueless box of festering turds.  Being the Mail it’s actually a massive cunty old pissflap of jism stained wank biscuits, so glad we could clear that one up.

The Mail is on a course to be Cunt Corner Champions at the end of the year at this rate.

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