Archive for December, 2015

2015 – A Year In Review

Posted: December 22, 2015 in Uncategorized

The year was full of things happening. That is all.

There were a moderate amount of bad things happening, coupled with a moderate amount of good things happening. However, the bad things were reported on more, because monkeys from the planet Scrote operate our media and wish to take it over and replace it with their own banana-related empire, and the quickest way to do that is to depress the living balls out of us.

Some total and utter bastards were elected into positions of power. That happens quite a lot.  And the bastard already in power kept being total shits, to no surprise to anyone.

More war-type stuff went on. Lots of that.  Some of it was reported, and a lot of it wasn’t.  Do you know, for instance, that in the region of Mora-Purgo, a small tribe of Albanian bollock scratchers were swept up in a border conflict with the Knockers of Nabisco?  Surprising this stuff isn’t more widely known.

Let’s see – we had a bunch of political conflict as well, as people on the right clashed with people on the left and everyone called each other “Big fartys” or something less politically astute than that. And people in their own political vortexes disagreed with each other as well, leaving the whole system of government universally represented by a great big bumbling angry toddler, endlessly squashing people in it’s haste to get to the jam.

Lots of corruption as well, mainly from conglomerates and people with enough zloty’s in their cash pile to not require the extra back-handers which grease the wheels of commerce. A lot of celebrities shilling for coin as well, but there’s no surprise in that.

Some films were released, with most of the popular ones being re-treads of stuff that have already been made, but with shinier keys dangled in front of people this time. Michael Bay still exists, so evolutionarily we’re still going backwards.

The tabloids were still full of shit (more on that later) but then they always are.

Those on the bottom rung of the ladder globally seem to get the biggest kicking, as per usual. If you were a moderate person just trying to get along some fucker in an ideological gilded cage was going to bomb you, shoot you, cut off your resources and welfare, or print a headline about you being a thieving, workshy cunt.

Just cut and paste that lot above onto any ‘review of the year’ bollocks, because they’re basically the same. Cunts.

So business as usual for 2015. However, great things are predicted for 2016, when the monkey invasion will happen and we will all know the benefit of toiling in the banana mines for our Ape Masters.  The Flinging Turd Show (previously Michael McIntyre’s Ballbags of Wank) shall become the UK’s No. 1 television hit, and peace shall reign forever.

Joke Corner

Man A: Shit fuck cunt piss wank

Man B: You must be a speechwriter for David Cameron?

Cunt Corner

Only two entries this week on Cunt Corner. Express/Mail/immigrants/third reich/etc etc.  You know the drill.

But this means we finally have our Cunt Corner champions, and it comes as no surprise to our regular readers (all 10 of you) that The Daily Mail is crowned this year’s Cunt Corner Massive Cunts Of The Year, mainly by hating immigrants to a degree which borders on psychotic obsession. Recently they’ve upped the ante by hating all social services as well, by having a go at the police, the NHS, welfare, etc.  Whoever the journalists are at The Mail they need to get a dicking very soon, because they obviously need to chill out and relax.  Smoke a bong, you twats!

But seriously, ladies and germs, when I started out on the new-fangled graphs and charts version of Cunt Corner in July I knew the immigrant bashing would take up a certain amount of headlines, but not to the extent where Dacre and Desmond appeared to have raging lob-ons for the subject. I’m wondering if being top dog on a piece of daily shit affects the minds of those in charge and slowly turns them into Napoleonic delusionists.  Are they printing this cak because they really believe that immigrants are the scourge of the 21st century, or do they believe that’s what the public really wants to read and are just pandering to the slope-headed turd flinging cretins who find automatic doors the work of Satan?  Half of the headlines last year were incitements to race hatred.  And as I’ve pointed out before, after taking a trip to the Holocaust section of the Imperial War Museum the similarity between the Nazi tabloids and the front pages of Mail and the Express (main offenders – although the Sun and Star are cunts, too) is worrying.

Still, let us not be downhearted, brothers and sisters, for the next year will no doubt bring a crises of conscience to the knacker-slappers in charge, and they’ll see the light, realise they’ve been a bunch of malodorous homunculi feasting on the fresh, dripping corpses of the dead, and suddenly start printing stories about how maybe things can be made better, rather than battering us over the head with a bunch of ‘fuck the disadvantaged for being so fucking inconvenient’ cockswallop.

And with that, have a lovely Christmas, a happy new year, and don’t touch a tabloid as they give you syphilis.

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I hear they’re making Citizen Kane into an eight part franchise film series, where Charles Foster Kane finds he has secret superhero ninja powers and fights back against the Forces of Something. In the climactic finish of the first film Charles flies the Spaceship Xanadu up Leland Kane’s Death Bottom and blows up the collective Forces Of Git, thus ending the tycoon’s reign of evil forever, just in time for the reboot.

Only joking! It’s actually a sixteen part franchise.

Having just seen the trailer for Independence Day Two: Aliens That Dick Punch and finding out it’s exactly like the first bloody film, it behoves me to sound like an old man and whinge about the state of film franchises at the moment, but it’s getting a bit ridiculous when the cellar dwellers at EnormoFilms have announced they’re releasing a plop load of Fast and Furious films, because everything has to be a franchise these days.  If you look at what Marvel have got planned for the next century and the way that Star Wars has now be co-opted into a multi-tentacled media beast, it gives the impression that any original films can fuck right off whilst big money is being raked in over any holiday period.  To make up for the shortfall where there isn’t a holiday period tinsel town are going to come up with a few new ones, like ChristmasSpring, just to cram in a few more bastard tent-pole pictures.

Movie companies have always been churning out this shit. Even back in them olden days cinema was spewing out a series of Dr. Mabuse films in the hopes of raking in the zlotys from the unsuspecting public, and Universal were knocking out Dracula and Frankenstein pics like bastard bollocks arsehole knobs (technical film term).  It seems churlish to whinge like the diseased, middle aged but dashingly handsome person I am about this, but it’s come to a state of affairs where I’ve stopped going to the flicks because there’s knob-all on.  It’s fine if you live in That London and have access to art cinemas, but if you’re living anywhere else that’s solely populated by a twenty screen multiplex all screening the latest Jurassic Norks or X-Men: Days of Future Whanque then your only chance of seeing anything original is narrowed down to vids (showing me age, there) or Netfux, and somehow the prospect of seeing Mr. Farty’s Art Film of Tastefully Shot Fannies on a TV or PC just doesn’t have the thrill of the whole cinema-going experience.

Long ago in the mists of time I went to see the completely mental Testuo: The Iron Man with a chum of mine at some dinky little art-house cinema in That Portsmouth.  Whilst the film was showing a punk band was playing in the bar downstairs and every time a nudey lady would turn up on the screen there would be the sound of furious wanking from a hairy-chinned gentleman in a large mac sitting a few rows back.  Despite the noise and Bernie the Bolt behind me I still managed to thoroughly enjoy the film on the big screen.  The indie cinema has since closed down and now only multiplexes reign in Pompey.  For a new generation the chance of seeing something utterly fucking mental at the cinema could well be over.

Luckily, where I live in Twee Town at the moment, there’s a groovy club of funsters who chuck DVD’s on a projector for those who want to re-create that indie cinema vibe showing them films with subtitles and no spandex punch-ups, so it’s not all bad.  Which means this article is a just a bunch of middle aged whinging from a tubby git moaning about the good old days, so bollocks to me and my moaning!  Films are great!

Joke Corner

Man: I hear they’re turning Sale Of The Century into a seven part sci-fi epic?

Other Man: Fuck off.

Cunt Corner

The Daily Express, obviously narked at being kicked off the top spot for so long, have come back with a Cuntstravanganza this week with a whopping three headlines in The Corner, with only a shocking two of them being about immigrants. The other one’s about house prices and how great they are that no one can afford to live anywhere.

The Daily Mail really need to get drunk and have sex, as they’re moaning, whinging, misery guts headlines over the past few weeks about how terrible everything is in the world is starting to sound like some kind of psychological condition. The headline on the 10th was basically a moan over a pint about how shit everything is.

The Sun want people to die by destroying all charities, thus adding to the general anti-social bollocks in life. Apparently charities are all corrupt, don’t do any good, and are a bane on society – not like our fabulous tabloids, obviously, who are all skill and great and add so much value and happiness to life.

As expected, considering the ‘just got divorced and wallowing in their own misery’ state of The Mail the ‘General Anti-Social Bollocks’ column has gone up (ooer) and is almost neck and neck with the anti-migrants in regards tabloid wank-fodder. It’s no surprise by now that The Mail rule the roost as far as being the biggest load of massive old fanny in the tabloid world, although the Express have tried to bridge the gap over the last week.  However, with only a week to go until Awards day, it looks as though The Daily Mail will be crowned Head Cunt of 2015!  What an honour.

I used to wonder why people who read tabloids were such miserable fuckers, and now I know. If I was subjected to this cavalcade of shit week after week I’d be a miserable twat as well.

The Trump of Destruction

Posted: December 8, 2015 in Uncategorized

I was going to write a piece about Sven Hassel books and how anti-war they are, being grim tracts about the futility of warfare as ground troops are used as playthings by incompetent nutcases at the top of the ladder looking for a shiny new medal, but then Trump opened his stupid fat gob again and handed a gift to everyone with a sense of irony/humour/incredulousness at the idiocy of today’s leaders with the idea that all muslims should be barred from the US.

We’re entering an age of parody right now, where the monkeys at the top of the tree, happily eating all the bananas and flinging turds at the masses below, are mainly off their rockers and seemingly beyond satire.  You can try and have a go at Osborne being a clueless, bumbling cretin, throwing out cuts to public services and stamping on the fingers of the poor and disabled, but the greasy fucker has already proven that’s his raison d’être in life.  Trump is a bumbling Lurch figure, goose stepping his way into Middle America’s heart by appealing to the proto-Nazi in them and throwing blame out at everyone he can lay his sweaty sausage fingers on in the hope that it will distract the hoi polloi from his lack of any coherent policies.  He’s basically a be-wigged Nigel Farage climbing the Massive Cunt Ladder to grasp the Lord Cunt Crown at the apex.  What a twat.  Spoofing these twadges seems to be pointless, as their public personas are already parodies.

The world is crawling with nutters at the moment, but then it always has been.  The only difference is the Nutter Message has become more universal as the scope for communication has broadened.  The Politics of Being a Right Spanner have become the mainstream, where the ideology is to act like the biggest cunt in the room and hope the quivering masses will tug their forelocks behind you and ignore the fact that their humanity is being pissed on from a great height.  The cunting tabloids don’t help much, either, but then – in the real world – they’re a small piss in a big pot compared to the giant of online media.

The right wing are dick punching their way into the world’s highest positions because when people get scared they immediately reach for the lynching pole.  People like Trump, Cameron, Marine Le Pen et al know this, which is why they’re pounding on the racist cock of hatred to reach the vinegar strokes of fear before splashing the jizz of conformity over the upturned faces of the waiting masses.  They are, collectively, fucking clown shoes as far as progress is concerned.

On the plus side, Trump has been condemned for being a massive tool, but on the minus side, that doesn’t seem to put a dent in his popularity.  Pandering to the gutter dwelling protectionist twat in everyone has never hurt the spinny eyed drooling cockends in charge.  In his particular case the Republican candidates have taken note of his tub thumping insanity and ramped up their own levels of frothing bug-fuckery (nearest rival, Ted Cruz, has called a bellend who shot up an abortion clinic a  ‘transgendered leftist activist’, as though being anti-abortion is now the enclave of the left).  Hopefully all of these fuckers will drown in a bucket of their own vitriol and we won’t have an isolationist pulling the strings.  However, looking at the way the world is going at the moment, a monumental shift to the right seems to be a global phenomenon.  My only hope is there is enough common sense out there to do a big shit of justice on these wall eyed fuck buckets.

Joke Corner:

Q:  I say, I say, I say, my dog’s got no nose!

A:  Never mind that, Donald Trump’s A NUTTER!!!!

Cunt Corner

Holy mother of hairy bollocks!  The Daily Mail have got a massive hate-boner for the NHS.  The cunt headlines has them racking up the fear of public healthcare to make it easier for the Cons to bring in their lovely new privatised health service, which will do their best to drown the disabled and gas the poor if they can’t stump up the five thousand quid to have their bollocks tickled by some disinterested doctor dreaming of wanking on a golf course with his chums from EnormoCorp.  Regardless of the truth in their headlines, they do seem to be on a mission to fuck the NHS right up the bollocks with their relentless doom-gloomery, leading me to wonder if Paul ‘Cunty Fuck’ Dacre has any special interests in private healthcare.

Other than that it’s the usual immigrant bashing for the tabs, with The Mule and the Sexpress littering their toilet paper with the usual hysterical bollocks about Them Foreigns.  The Mail earn an extra special 2 Cunt Points this week for their headline about sending aid to India, which is ‘Uman Rights Gorn Mad’ and racist.  Mind you, the way the fucking country is going at the moment and the anti-anywhere rhetoric coming out of Fuck Bollocks Central (previously known as The Tory Office and His Tabloid Chums) trying to stir up hatred for everything everywhere, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Tories cut off all foreign aid in an attempt to suck the balls of public opinion.

On a different note, I see my choice of swears over the past few weeks have been very testicle and poo related lately.  There’s probably some Freudian element in there.  On the other hand, it could be me being sexist, so guaranteed more fanny and jugs related swears next week, swear fans!

Anyway, Daily Mailcunt are zooming ahead in the Cunt Poll and look like a shoo-in for this year’s prestigious Fucking Bastard Tabloid Fanny Bollocks Norks-A-Lordy Twat Of The Year Award for World’s Cuntiest Paper, with a massive 46 points, a clear 13 points ahead of their nearest sewer dwelling rivals, The Expresscunt.  The Starcunt have just given up, opting to print piccies of women in their bra and pants for Celeb Big Cockend.  Interesting to see where they go now the series is over.

Anyway, more light hearted sweary japes next week, Cunt Corner fans!

 

Gripper Stebson Runs The Tories

Posted: December 1, 2015 in Uncategorized

It will come as no surprise to find out that the Tories have been embroiled in the middle of a bullying scandal which led to the suicide of party activist Elliot Johnson.  Grant Shapps may have thrown in the towel and slunk off to the sewers but you can more or less guarantee that bullying plays a major role in all forms of political life.

Bullying is a cross party sport.  It’s not just allied to the fuckers who are currently doing their best to rob the paups into penury.  Positions of power give rise to bullying across the board.  After all, Blair bullied his way into the Iraq war.  (Aside – the whole blame game can go back for centuries.  The second Iraq war was a response to 9/11, which was caused by US troops on Saudi Arabian soil, which was caused by the invasion of Kuwait, which was caused by Hussain believing he was safe to invade, which was caused by, etc etc.  You can top this with the US handing missiles to the Taliban to counter the USSR invading Afghanistan.  You then move onto the Cold War, the clash between the ideologies of communism and democracy, until you go back far enough to a microbe calling another microbe ‘farty’ and then flicking the microbe ‘V’s.  Blame is a matter of historical knowledge and opinion.  Anyway, enough of this.  Back to the cock jokes).

The right bully the left and the left bully the right.  Then each faction bullies those within their own faction, which is why none of the fuckers can ever agree on anything.  Corbyn’s doing ninja-stances against his pro-war lobby whilst Cameron is flinging poo at the House of Lords and the anti-austerity brigade.  Within each of these sub-sections even more bullying is going on, calling in political favours, handing out bribes in the form of departmental promises, and nicking the dinner money off the Lib Dems because they’re rubbish.

Politics is bullying because the fuckers who go into it tend to find their emotional and mental development stymied by the time they’re fifteen.  Their common sense seizes up, they freeze at a level where giving ‘Speccy McSpod’ digs in the arm is the only form of coercion, and thus they live out their political career trying to fight against the bullies below whilst sucking up to the bullies above.  To confirm this just check out the cock waving bun fight which is PM’s Question Time.  These dick punchers couldn’t form a mature argument if their testicles depended on it (and fannies – let’s not be sexist).

Which is where  Gripper Stebson comes in.  Gripper was the erstwhile bully in Grange Hill back in the seventies.  He nicked sweets and bullied fat kids.  All you need to do is cut and paste Grant Shapps or David Cameron or Hilary Benn’s head onto his neck and et voila – you have the average mentality of your average politician.  To quote Sylvester Stallone in Rambo 3: “Fuck ‘em all!”

Joke Corner:

Q:  How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:  None, because they’re all CUNTS!!

Cunt Corner

And speaking of ladies rude bits, this week’s Cunt Corner is suffering a lack of cuntishness at the moment.  That’s not to say the tabloids AREN’T cunts, because we all know they all.  Whatever’s inside their malodorous pages is probably brimming with all kinds of racism, homophobia, sexism, and general all round hairy-testicleness, but as far as their front pages are concerned it’s a bit of a let-down, at least on their splash page (ooer).

The 27th of November was National ‘Have a Go At the Immigrants’ Day as both The Scum and the Daily Shit stuck in their oar about how migrants will swamp the land blah blah blah.  You could basically put a series of scare-mongering bullshit into a hat and pull them out at random and you’d get the tabloids front headlines for the next few years.  They don’t seem to change.  It’s like they’re on an eternally revolving roulette wheel of cock.

The Scum keep up the good work of being fucking wankers by having a go at Jezza re the bombing of Syria.  No surprises there.

If you care to take a peek at the graphs, the migrant and anti-social bollocks are, as usual, almost neck and neck, with the Sun kicking up the anti-Labour rhetoric.

The Daily Mail is, as usual, head of the Cunt Corner Crowd, with the Express nipping at their heels.  The Sun has entered the fray strongly and are quickly rising up the charts, due to them being utter and total massive unquestionable cunts.

Only three weeks to go until the end of the year, and can the major players in the World of Cunt get enough wank headlines in there before this year’s Cunt Corner Awards are shoved up their bottoms.  (This year’s Cunt Corner Awards are shaped like massive pineapples).