Archive for February, 2016

Welcome once again dear readers to this week’s CC collection of conflabulous calamities of something that starts with a ‘C’.  ‘Cretinous Comments’, perchance?  Anyway, due to general tardiness on my part I still haven’t got around to sorting out the old graph thing yet, so to see physical evidence of how much of a bunch of knackers clackers our right wing press is, click on the PDF’s at the bottom (ooer, obviously) of this article.  Well, when I say ‘article’ I mean ‘stream of abusive invective aimed at the sort of twat who thinks Nigel Farage is a sound politician and not a raging, spinny eyed frothing pile of old tramp’s sick’, but you get the general idea.

Anyway, Cunt Corner chums, the week kicked off, as expected, with the dribbling penile wart that is Boris Cuntston and his bid to become the next leader of UK Britain PLC (see what I did there?!  Satire!!  Take THAT, Thatcher, you undead right wing Nazi hellspawn!!!) by announcing he’s going to fellate both Galloway and Farage by joining the mental brigade that is the Brexit team.  The right wing papers shat their collective caks at this news and promptly hoisted the Swastika on their front pages with a series of anti-EU headlines that basically called for the next world war to get started right bluddy now!!  Some of this trickled over into the wrinkled scrotum that was Tuesday’s headlines, but The Sun outshone themselves in their right wing racism with ‘Halalbert Square: BBC building mosque on new £15m soap set’ like this was the start of the rise of Satan or something.  Note to Sun Editors – you are massive cunts.

The Sun’s wanky cunt bollocks arsehole shite of a headline seemed to kick the other right wing papers into action – well, the tabloids, anyway – and we were subjected to a cavalcade of tub-thumping cockends as The Mail, Sun and Express tried to Out-Cunt each other with a series of increasingly shrill headlines about Them Foreigns all comin’ over ‘ere and trying to exist without being bombed, the selfish bastards!

By Saturday the Sun had grown tired of hating everything that moved but The Mail and Express were still going strong, really ramping up that racism agenda by having a pop at immigrants yet a-fucking-gain.  You know, every time a right wing tabloid mentions an immigrant an angel gets kicked in the bollocks?  Fact!

By Sunday only The Express had enough bile left in them to spew out some dangly scrotal love plums about the EU again, but fuck them, the short sighted mindless goose stepping shitbags.

Anyway, all this love and peace led to the inevitable result that, as far the subject matter is concerned on our wonderful chart ‘CC Stats – 2016’ (coloured purple to represent massive penises) the anti-migrant clagnuts is starting to gain ground on the anti-EU winnits, but only by a small margin, though.

It will come as no surprise to our regular reader that Top Cunt Paper is still The Mail, with an impressive 18 hits on the Cuntometer, although those plucky jizz stains at The Express are coming up quickly behind with an worrying 15 hits on the Wall of Wank.  The broadsheets, unsurprisingly, are trailing behind.  They still hold the same cunt views as the tabloids – they just hide their bigoted vitriol better.

Anyway, join me next week, beloved work units, to see if The Mail discover that being a cunt is not conducive to a civil society and starts promoting a pro-migrant and EU agenda.  I can’t wait to find out!

16_02_22 – 28 – headlines  CC – Stats – 2016

Another week of headline jollity, but first a mention of the exciting new ‘lack of graphics’ look to the new look CC.  You can access the state-of-the-art graphics by clicking on the PDFs at the bottom of the All New Dancing CC to get the bloody things to work, as I have a new computer and can’t figure out how to turn the fecking graphs and Word things into anything bloody well bastard bollocks viewable.

Anyway, on with the fun.

It’s been a veritable bollocks of shite this week as the right wing papers go out of their way to prove what a bunch of massive cunts they actually are.  The Daily Mail have managed to score a complete 7 day’s worth of cuntishness this week with some old cak about how the NHS is hiring narcoleptic teenagers to make sure your relatives die, moving quickly into some bollocks about migrants and human rights, before really sticking the boot into the EU, closely followed by The Fucking Express which manages a full five days of anti-EU cock, plus some old toss about house prices on Wednesday just to remind you they love noshing on Cameron’s scabby cheesy old bellend as they predict the end of the recession for the millionth time due to Cameron having big, bulging knackers in his trousers.

Interesting to note that, on Thursday, The Express stated there were two million EU migrants trying to marry our jobs, whilst The Mail upped the figures to three million.  Surely they can’t both be right.  Fuck knows where they got these figures and I wasn’t going to throw shit all over my eyeballs by reading the pisspoor articles they’re conjuring up, but here’s a link which has some nice graphs on it by done the lovely chaps and chapesses at the Beeb which pisses all over the tabloid fear mongering.  Fuck off Mail and Express.

The Star turn up late for the day with some media fluff about Simon Cowell and Ross Kemp, and The Times, being a paper for people who pretend they can read, only have two entries (ooer) with some pro-Cams and anti-EU cockend, which is exactly the same as the Metro, which coincidentally also rolls out the anti-EU carpet.  The Telegraph can’t even muster up the energy for one bigoted, pointless, witless pile of old spinny eyed bollocks, which is what happens when you only employ about three writers.  Seriously – read Private Eye.  These fuckers are losing about one jouno scum a week.

Anyway, all this bollocky bollocks means that, when it comes to the ‘subject’ graph (again, remember to click on the PDFs for the full picture) the anti-EU Knob of Opinion is thrusting manfully towards the sky.  It’s tallied a full 19 hits in just two fucking weeks!  Mind you, once the referendum is out of the way the cock knockers on the right wing press will be back to frothing at the arse about migrants and Corbyn and the usual shit, but for the moment they’re on a roll.  The anti-migrant rhetoric only comes in at a measly 7 hits.  In last year’s Cunt Corner this fucker was through the roof.

The Mail and The Express, predictably, rule the roost as far as being massive cunts is concerned, with the nearest rival being The Star, which wouldn’t be in there if I hadn’t introduced the ‘media fluff’ section.

Anyway, hopefully, by the time of the next Cunt Corner, I’d have figured out how to turn graphs into piccies and try and liven up this bastard column with something to bluddy look at.  Maybe make the graphs knob-cheese colour or something.

Anyway, join me next time, Cunt Corner fans, for more utter cunt!

16_02_15 – 21 – headlines   CC – Stats – 2016

The CC Headlines – 08 – 14 Feb 2016

Posted: February 15, 2016 in The CC

Welcome to the all-new 2016 Cunt Corner!! More excitement than looking at some headlines and have someone swear about them for a bit, which – as well all know – is pretty ruddy well exciting, and no mistake!

Right, enough with the bloody exclamation marks.

This brand new CC has expanded from the tabloid-centric bent of last year’s entries (ooer, obviously).  For the first time it’s taken on the right wing broadsheets, like The Times and The Telegraph.  The Metro has been shoved in there as somebody told me it was a load of old reactionary knackers, which immediately qualifies it for a place in The CC.

Apparently there’s some hullabaloo going on with the European Union and, as expected, the right wing papers have been shitting many of your earth bricks in response.  Also unsurprisingly, they’re against anything to do with them Foreign Types.  There’s also been a lot of hysteria over the public services, with The Express and The Mail frothing at the mouth as their spinny-eyed mania predicts the end of the world if the NHS is not immediately dismantled and replaced with something the paup scum have to pay for.  The coppers have been getting it in the neck as well, which probably has something to do with the tabloids getting investigated for being phone-hacking testicle-heads.

Anti-migrant hysteria is the second biggest leader behind the EU-scares, with The Express, Mail and Sun predicting the usual bullshit about Them Foreigns storming the borders and marrying our jobs.  The Times makes its first ever CC appearance with some bollocks about Turkey letting millions in, because they’re a Murdoch paper and, like all Murdoch papers, they have a heart as black as the deepest pits of hell.

Two new categories are media fluff and deadly weather, because half of the tabloids seem obsessed with whatever load of cunty-bollocks bellends like Jeremy Wanking Clarkson is getting up too, and the Deadly Weather is purely there for The Express, which regularly hails the world turning to ice, or melting because it’s a bit hot, although it’s actually the Metro that get in there first with dire warnings about Yeti’s comin’ over ‘ere and takin’ your fackin’ jobs, paup scum!

Anyway, top cunt paper is obviously The Mail, because it always fucking is.  Next is The Express followed by The Star, because the trough-snuffling hacks who work there have an agenda to make life as miserable as possible.  The broad sheets fare badly in the ratings, which they probably will because they’re a bit more restrained when it comes to being a bunch of total bastards, although they still are.

Next week, more of the same, probably.  I imagine there’ll be something about immigrants teaming up with the EU to cak on orphan’s heads.

16_02_08 – 14 – headlinesCC – Stats – 2016