Archive for March, 2016

This week we have a wide variety of frothing hatred, and by ‘wide variety’ I mean ‘a bit more showbiz pap than usual’.  So let’s get on with breaking down last week’s pile of old scrote into an easily digestible size.

MONDAY saw a tabloid frenzy of scrotey old bollocks as The Scum launched straight into their usual anti-EU cock bollocks about the NHS and migrants – in this case an entire 18k used to help someone in some situation which causes The Sun to go crazy ape bonkers.  The Express, hell bent on churning out the same old bollocks, gives us an anti-EU rant.  Come on, you massive wankers, try harder!  Which is exactly what The Star do by giving us our first showbiz pap headline advertising the new Top Gear as Chris Evans sneers at Jeremy Clarkson for some unspecified reason.  Basically it’s a barrel of cunts throwing turds at each other, and they’re welcome to it.

TUESDAY sees The Mail and The Sun having a go at the coppers for wasting time and money and not banging up the nonces, whilst The Star give us our second Showbiz Shite of the week with the news that Holly Willoughby has sex.  Fucking hell!  Whatever next!?  It’s wimmin doing rudeys!!!  It’s not allowed in the Victorian world of The Star!!

WEDNESDAY and The Star (them cunts again) give us the traditional ‘Political Correctness Gorn MAD’ bullshit about Easter Eggs being banned.  You know it’s a pile of old toss but they just can’t help themselves, poor lambs.

THURSDAY and more anti-EU shite, but this time from The Telewank.  Some old shit about quitting the EU helping our security, which is the complete opposite of what the top anti-terrorism bods say, but why let facts get in the way.  The Mail are back on the anti-migrant kick with a virtual essay of a headline about migrants, borders, coppers and a sooty puppet shoved up a vicar’s arse (okay, made that last bit up).  The Express do their bit for race relations by letting us know the Jihadists are virtually on our doorsteps!!  Somewhere!!  DON’T GO OUT OR THEY’LL EAT YOUR HEAD!!!

FRIDAY and The Mail are on their ‘I Hate The NHS’ kick again, earning them an anti-migrant AND anti-public services Cunt Point as them foreigns are being hired to look after our sick.  Bastards!  Whereas The Express feel confident enough to print some old cock about Trump and his stance on the EU.  This man can’t even remember to take down his own trousers when he has a shit, so his words are obviously Sensible Gold for The Cuntspress.

SATURDAY and only The Express can be bothered to churn the old bollocks out with some tedious old cunt about the EU.  250 business leaders (Wanky Al’s Fag and Porn Shop, Donald Bollocks Dodgy Betting Shop, etc) have said breaking free from the EU will be great as it means they can shove kids up chimneys again.

SUNDAY and blah blah blah Mail blah blah blah foreign aid blah blah blah terrorists.  Fuck off you tedious cunts!!

So, where does that leave our Cunt Counter.  No surprises to find that the anti-EU shit is winning, nudging over the half century, sort-of-closely followed by the anti-migrant bollocks.  Anti-services are coming up (ooer, obviously) behind, followed by the media fluff shite.

Biggest cunt paper is STILL a neck-and-neck race between The Mail and The Express.  The Metro didn’t even get a look in this week.  Or The Times.  Must be some proper news out there or something.  The Star’s starting to make a bit of headway as well.  Cunts.

Anyway, join me next week for more Cunt Corner japes!!!  WITH MORE FUCKING EXCLAMATION MARKS THAN YOU CAN SHAKE DONALD TRUMP’S GIMPY SHRIVELLED HALF INCH COCK AT (should you wish).

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Another week and another load of old right wing toss from those lovely bastards in the tabloid and broadsheet goose stepping press, but hark – what’s this!? It appears that, for some unknown reason, the amount of bastard headlines has shrunk. We must investigate…

Monday sees that bastions of institutionalised racism The Mail stick on the Cunt Boots and go steaming into the migrant debate by stating that Germany (never forget The Mail supported Hitler right up until the start of the second world war) was showing Merkal their distaste for Them Foreigns by voting in a bunch of right wing cunts who’ve threatened to do a big plop on migrants. Maybe they’re hoping for a return to the old days when Mosley was their poster boy? Anyway, The Express chip in with some shit about 200 people on benefits being billionaires made of gold, thus kick starting a whole new section of the Cunt Counter under ‘Scroungers!!’ where I’ll be documenting the right wing press’ cuntiest attitudes to them poor people.

Tuesday opened up Cunt Corner to the reality that only one cunt writes all the right wing tabloid’s headlines, as both The Sun and The Star claim that Chris Evans – right, get this – is – wait for it, giggletastic comedy chucklelaughs coming up – A DONUT!!!! Because Matt LeBlanc did a donut by the cenotaph. See what they did there? Cunts. Regardless of the lack of respect shown by some cunts in telly it still enters the ‘media fluff’ column, as despite their condemnation it’s still publicity for Top Cunt. The Telegraph chip in with the usual bollocks about the Brexit, because they’re arseholes.

Wednesday saw fuck all happening. Seriously! The papes were banging on about the Cheltenham and extended school days and some bollocks about a UK baby boom, so – amazingly – no cunt headlines for a change. Obviously the interior of these shit sheets were full of the usual cunt monkey turd flinging bullshit, but from the exterior they looked quite mild. They’re still cunts, though.

Thursday and The Mail took the opportunity to crawl right up Osborne’s ringpiece with a bit extolling about how great his budget was for middle England, because they’re the only fuckers that matter, whereas The Express referred to Osborne metaphorically as a massive cockend with jizz coming out of his head that burns like acid (well, they said some old toss about it being pro-EU, but it’s the same facking thing). I’m counting that one as a Pro-Tory headline because of the ‘tax sweeteners’ line they use.

Friday saw… well… nothing again. Two days of fuck all headlines. Surely a record.

Saturday and a disappointing result for Cunt Corner as they Express were the only paper racist enough to come out with some cunty old headline about migrants and how ‘we’ (by which they mean ‘racists’) can’t stop them. Doesn’t explain what ‘we’ (by which they mean ‘cunts’) can’t stop them from. If I were charitable I’d say it may elude to how ‘we’ can’t stop them being bombed. However, in the context of The Express it means can’t stop them from marrying our jobs.

Sunday and fuck all headlines of any worth again. They’re just not trying hard enough (ooer).

Anyway, tallying up the votes and – gaspy gasp gasp – the anti-EU bias is top of the Cunt Counter again. At the time of writing this we’ve got another 99 days of this shit, so expect that fucker to go through the roof the nearer the referendum gets.

Shock surprise bollocks shit arsehole cunt time, as – would you Adam and Steve it – both The Mail and the Express are on equal tagging as we enter a new week, both scoring an equally impressive 27 points in the race to see who can be the biggest reactionary right wing pile of old monkey knackers this side of a massive pile of festering old monkey knackers.

Next week’s results should be interesting, since Ian Duncan Smith – the welfare and disability benefit cutter extraordinaire – tries to convince the papes he’s actually a lovely man and not a genuine shit. Most of them will carry the lie as he’s come out against the EU, so they’ll noshing on his purple helmet with much praise for his shiny baldness.

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Good news Eurosceptics and racists alike – for some inexplicable reason the right wing press have been going crazy ape bonkers with their drill and sex this week in a complete reversal of what they normally do, which is hug lepers and give alms to the poor.

Only joking! They’re acting like cunts again, and as usual the target is Them Foreigns and the European Union, which – if the headlines are to be believed – are worse than a million Hitlers.

Monday saw the tabloids and the Telegraph stick the knife into a variety of subjects, from The Torycunt having a go at Charities to The Scum basically saying that any doctor in a Hajib obviously can’t be trusted, thus earning it a racist point on the Cunt Chart. There’s plenty of dodgy British doctors, but fuck them – The Sun, like all tabloids, is on a crusade to ramp up the racism and introduce a new Reich to the English shores.

Tuesday saw things back on the anti-EU trail again, with the Torycunt, Mailcunt and Cuntspress sticking the knife into the fucking EU again. I’ll be glad when the bastard vote is over so we won’t have to put up with this level of rabid frothing paranoia anymore. Anyway, the Express had the cuntiest/most Der Sturmer-like headline by wanking on about how the EU will dictate how many of Them Foreigns can come over here and punch Prince Phillip in the cock.

Wednesday saw The Mailfuckshitwank do their usual hatchet job on burning down as many hospitals as possible so we can all go private by banging on about mums being sent home early from maternity. Normally this would be news, but in the hands of the right wing press there’s always some ulterior motive behind it. Anyway, Express, blah blah blah, anti-EU, blah blah blah, Richard Desmond fucks dogs.

Thursday saw a slacking in Cunt Headlines as The Scum were the only paper putting the Eff into Fucking Cunt. Apparently migrants are raking UK benefits or some such shit. Load of old cunt, as usual.

Unusually, Friday saw The Mail having a go at Them Migrants, by claiming the Archbishop of Cockington On Ballbag thought it wasn’t racist to fear migrants. Yes it fucking is, you mindless twat.

Saturday saw The Mail having another go at the migrants, this time accusing Whitehall of coming over all Oliver Stone (ooer, obviously) and hiding the real figures about how many of Them Foreigns is over here, which is probably billions, if Paul Dacre’s fevered mind is to be believed. I think he gets a fiver for every time he has a go at the migrants, which would explain a lot.

Sunday saw The Express and The Star crank up the racism this time, with the Express piddling on about another one of their spurious polls in which all their right thinking Stormtroopers would reject the EU if Turkey joined. Yes, Turkey’s dodgy as fuck with an appalling human rights record, but The Express is run by Richard Desmond, so it’s pot and kettle time again. The Star insisted that your local barber who looks a bit foreign is obviously a Jihadi bomber. And a fucking hipster as well!! What a cunt!! It’s bad enough being a fucking bomber, but a bastard hipster??!! BRING BACK HANGING!!

Anyway, all that cuntfoolery has meant that, as per usual, the biggest cunt topic on the agenda is – wait for it – the fucking EU as usual, with the numbers almost hitting the half century. Anti-migrant blatherings ran a poor second, not even reaching the thirties for numbers.

Cunt papers were a neck and neck affair until The Mail surged ahead at the end of the week with a series of massive cunt headlines, and they now lead the pack 25 Cunt Huts to The Express’ 24 Cunt Hits. The Sun and The Star have crept into double figures, but still lag behind, with the Metro, Times and Telegraph bringing up the rear with single digit Cunt Figures.

Writing these weekly blogs definitely makes you realise just how fucking much the right wing papers really are the voice of the bigoted madman who shout at the disabled in streets because their copy of The Daily Wankfish has told them people in wheelchairs eat babies. If they were American they’d vote Trump – that’s how bad it is.

P.S.  Click on the PDF below the piccies for the weekly stats and full headlines.

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Good news, CC fans!  I’ve finally figured out this whole ‘getting a piccie’ malarkey on the new laptop, although only for the front pages.  If you need to see a close up on the stats you’ll still have to click on the PDF next to the pictures.  It’ll be worth it, as I think you’ll find the results tumesculantly invigorating.  Either that, or depressingly predictable, as our right wing papers lurch even further to the right, especially where the EU is concerned.

Anyways, here’s the latest run-down.

Monday: The Metro and The Times did their usual bit for European unity by having a go at the EU, with the Metro quoting that paragon of virtue Ian Cunting Smith as he has a pop at Cameron for being a sausage-faced twat or something similar. The Express, seemingly tired of all this right wing infighting, decided to have a pop at the migrants for not having a job.  Well, you massive twats, it’s probably got something to do with them previously having jobs which they’ve been bombed out of.

Tuesday: The fracas at Calais gave The Scum and the Metro the idea to portray them migrants as a screaming mob of hate filled rioting madmen, as the French went in and stamped all over their makeshift homes by bulldozing the poor fuckers into the gutters, as though it was the migrants fault for existing.  Lot of humanity on display there.

Wednesday: The Times have another pop at the EU for taking a big shit on e-cigarettes, apparently, whilst The Star decided to stick their oar in and have a go at the migrants, just for a fucking change of pace.  Apparently they tried to kill a Brit trucker.  Not having read the festering pile of venereal disease soaked cockbollocks which was the actual story, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say they probably lied through their hairy fat arses about this.  Far be it from me to impugn that the tabloids use fear-mongering shit rather than facts.

Thursday: It was comedy-conspiracy day at The Times, as they go all ‘the moon landings were fake and 9/11 was an inside job’ by explaining that Putin was ‘weaponising’ migrants to overwhelm Europe.  The mere fact that they used the word ‘weaponising’ gave the impression that all them migrants were terrorists or chock full of sarin gas or something.  Putin’s a massive twat, but the whole vibe of the headline was top quality fear mongering best suited to tabloid cunts rather than broadsheet cunts, but since The Times is a Murdoch paper we should expect that kind of major wankage.  The Expresscunt tried to convince us that a major poll carried out amongst drooling spinny eyed frothy mouthed cross burning fuckbuckets showed that everyone in the UK thought the EU was shit.  This is, of course, bollocks.

Friday: Just for a change of pace the Metro and The Express decided to have a go at the EU and migrants.  They’re nothing if not inconsistent.  The Express earned Double Cunt Subject points by having a go at migrants and the EU in the same headline.

Saturday: The weekend was major cunt territory, as – once fucking more – the papes had a go at migrants and the EU, with dire warning from The Cuntygraph that Britain’s public service is ‘creaking at the seams’ because of them foreigns, whilst the Cuntymail has a pop at Uman Rights Gorn Mad because we can’t gas migrants (well, deport them, but you know what the cunts at The Mail are like.  They won’t be happy unless Dacre’s got his jackboots on and can personally drown any migrant orphaned kittens).  The Express earned more Double Cunt Subject points by having a go at asylum seekers in the same headline as the EU again, claiming that the EU is swamped, as though there isn’t a fucking humanitarian crises going on.  Do these anal leeches even read the fucking news?  There are wars going on, piss face!  (SATIRE!!!  Eat my knob off, Rory Bremner!)

Sunday: Sunday was Cuntageddon for the papers, as more wanky old bollocks (technical term) flowed forth from the Times, Telegraph and Express about the EU.  The Times quoted that frothing bag of witless bellendery, Boris Cuntson, as he wailed that civilisation would end is we didn’t leave, like that tousle-haired fuckwit should be listened to rather than kicked up the arse for eternity, and The Express came up with what is, quite frankly, a brilliantly hilarious piece of scare mongering.  Apparently, right, yeah, no, get this, right, Britain will NO LONGER RULE THE WAVES because them EU lot  – and I quote – ‘Seek Control Of Our Coasts’.  Jesus fucking wept!  Britain hasn’t ruled the waves for decades, you blundering fools!  Just for a change of pace The Mail decided to have a pop at the NHS as they bid to ‘harvest organs’ off dead babies.  The actual story itself is a lot more complex than this, but since The Mail delight in being massive fucking irresponsible bags of festering shit they obviously came to the conclusion that being insensitive fartbags full of mean spirited bollocks was a lot better than trying to tackle a very delicate subject matter with any decorum.  Cunts.

On the Cuntometer (check the PDF for full details) we see, unsurprisingly, that the EU is the major topic of Cunt Subjects, with a massive 42 Hits of Cuntness, almost double the runner up subject, which is their anti-migrant dribble.  All other subjects haven’t even made it out of double figures yet, such has been the right wing fixation on these two dog whistle areas.

On Head Cunt of Cuntingdon Towers news both The Mail and The Express are pegging equal at 20 points each in their race to see who can be the biggest bag of old wank biscuit currently being used as cut price toilet paper by the public.  The Times have obviously felt left out and have tried their best to really be massive used jizz bags, along with The Metro.  The Sun are pegging quite low in the Cuntometer, with only a score of 8, and quite frankly they’ve let their side down.  Come on, you shits, you know you’re as evil as The Mail and The Express – put a bit of effort into it!

Anyway, join me next week, Cunt Corner fans, where we’ll find out if they’re STILL ENDLESSLY BANGING ON about the fucking EU and migrants with the grace and sensitivity of Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to fuck a garden hose.

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