Life after the Brexit, as imagined by Nigel Farage
As a Professor of Lovely Piles of Cash at the University of Bloody Cambridge, And Don’t You Forget It, Quisling Scum, I am often asked about the prostitutes and conmen of the Brexit debate.
There has been a large dose of codswallop spoken about the Brexit over the past few months, most of it scaremongering to enforce whichever side of the debate needs backing up, and I see it as my duty as a boffin with letters after his name who sits in a big office flicking the V’s at the paups to enlighten the pond scum about the pros and cons of such a delicate issue.
Reasons For Staying In EU:
- Something to do with trade. Probably about tariffs or something. I’ve got a big shiny car.
- Prevents countries fighting each other and lets them carry on fighting them ones a long way away.
- Easier to travel as long as you’re willing to stump up some serious zlotys and not travel by Aerocock or something cheaper.
- The Brexit lot are a bunch of cunts and it would be worth staying in just to watch the bastards squirm.
- Speaking of which, it would fuck off Ian Duncan Smith no end, and that’s got to be a good thing.
- More variety of pants available on the free market.
- I’ve got a huge knob with a bellend like a German storm trooper’s helmet. Just saying that for all the laydeez out there.
- Other things.
Reasons for Leaving the EU:
- We can rob the paups of all their rights.
- A Third Reich will be established, and the Brexit crowd can finally wear their Nazi uniforms like they do at weekends around Madame Spanky’s.
- It would piss off George Osbourne, which can only be good.
- We can trade with the Isle of Wight to get our economy thriving.
- Everyone who wants the Brexit has a tiny penis, and it would make them feel empowered.
- Everyone who hates Foreign Types will legitimately be able to be racist.
A lot of convincing reasons both for and against the argument there, but the one thing that cannot be ignored is The Immigration Issue.
A lot of the pro-Brexit side say, “Hey, Billy, our country is being overrun by Them Foreigns who are arriving in their billions to marry our trousers and take our jobbies, and our economic system just can’t sustain our racist bigotry for much longer, and it’s best if we keep diversity out of culture so we can go back to the 1950s and all die or rickets and scurvy, and the only way to keep everyone out and start building a fucking big wall around our Isle is to leave the EU.”
Whereas a lot of anti-Brexiters say, “Hey, Billy, our country is being overrun by Them Foreigns, and the only way to make sure we build a fucking big wall around the country and return to the 50s where we can all die of rickets and scurvy is to stay with the EU where we’ll have a tighter control over who enters and who doesn’t.”
So the main argument stands around which side can be the most bigoted, and they’re both doing a pretty decent job of it, so sod the lot of them. I didn’t study for many of your earth years to get a big office in Cambridge and live in a country house with a frigid wife and a dog I’m sexually attracted too to spend my time sifting through this load of old cock.
But in a very real sense, I’m being paid big trousers for this column, so I’d better come up with an answer. So, if you seriously want to see a country where cunts like blustering econo-twat Farage, disability kicker Ian Duncan Smith, comedy mime artist George Galloway, pob-faced speccy bellend Michael Gove and hand puppet laughing stock Boris Johnson get to run things then vote to leave.
If, on the other hand, you think these people should be put in a blender, then vote to stay. Whichever way it goes, the way the Tories are running the country into the ground we’re going to end up as a medieval feudal state in a few years anyway.