Archive for May, 2016

Lumme O’Cripes, Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s migrant-bashing time again as the Daily Bastard cranks up the usual dog whistle headlines and bangs on, AGAIN, about open borders and Them Foreigns and why can’t Thatch come back and what’s wrong with walking in a line whilst trying to high kick and simultaneously holding ones arm out straight with all the fingers pointing at an object in the sky?

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One of these days they’ll print something which isn’t a load of old hate-mongering tosh. And when that happens a unicorn will be elected Prime Minister.

Anyway, The Torygraph stoke up the bollocks by relying on some bullshit poll they’ve conducted with ORB International where they’ve polled 800 bigots about migration and the EU. In the actual article they’ve trawled out Lynton fucking Crosby, of all people, to spout some old camel fart about how the EU smells like tramp’s wee and wears stupid clothes.  This is the person who was roundly castigated for his abusive mayoral campaign.  The only thing he should have an opinion on is whether he wants a kick up the arse or in the bollocks.

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Anyway, these both count as anti-migrant bullshit, which sees the subject leaping up the Khategories chart. The Mail starts to pull out a lead on The Express, whilst the Telegraph edge up close on The Sun.  It’s a heady race to see who can be Top of the Bollocks!

Khunt Paper

The Mail:           8

Express:             6

The Sun:            4

The Telegraph:  3

The Times:         1

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-migrant:  14

Anti-EU:          6

Racism:           1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

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Bit of a crises at The Corner Towers today as the newspapers, whilst trying to mention all Them Foreigns coming over here and the threat of international terrorism, have also managed to keep the frothing hysteria down, at least on the front page.

The Sun reports that IS may have plans to bomb England fans, which they might have.  The article itself might evince the usual hyperbole, but the headline doesn’t, so that doesn’t count for inclusion.

Even more surprising, one of the most racisty-racist papers in the UK, The Express, of all people, simply state ‘Migrant Crises In the Channel’, talking more about how many people are dying rather than how many people are coming over here to eat our chips and marry the Queen.  The fucking Express!!  What the fuck happened after I went to sleep last night?!  Am I now living in topsy-turvy land?!  Will The Guardian’s headlines call for an end to the EU and the return of Hitler?!

Luckily we’ve got the good old bigoted cuntery of The Fucking Bastard Daily Shitblanket Tossbucket Arsebelching Mail to pimp the racism ride, as they bang on about the ‘wide open borders’ shit we usually get from goose steppers like fucking Nigel Cuntage and Ian Cunting Smith.

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Which means The Mail take their position finally as top of the Khunt Paper leaderboard, after The Express had a three-point lead over them at the start.  Expect more twattery to come.

Khunt Paper

The Mail:           7

Express:             6

The Sun:            4

The Telegraph:  2

The Times:         1

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-migrant:  12

Anti-EU:          6

Racism:           1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

Guy N Smith Reborn!!

Posted: May 28, 2016 in Books, Uncategorized

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For many of you the name Guy N Smith conjures up a twisted nightmare of crab-based horror! For others it conjures up a twisted nightmare of bollocks-based prose.  But whatever your viewpoint – whether it be ‘Guy N Smith writes like a donkey having an embolism’ or ‘Guy N Smith can do a big shit all over Jane Austen because he’s that fucking good!’ – the news that the Maestro of Giant Crab Based Horror is making a comeback at the grand old age of 150, after writing half a million books, will only be welcome.

Here we have a few excerpts from his ‘re-imaginings’ of some literary classics:

1984

It was a bright, cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.

“Okay, Jeremy,” said voluptuous Jane Fanny as they walked through the oppressive but orderly streets of Airstrip One, “how glad I am that the government are keeping order so we can live a fruitful and productive life.”

“Certainly,” said Jeremy Bigchin, muscles rippling as he guided her by the arm. “I just hope no giant crabs attack.”

Just then they heard the menacing ‘clicketty click’ of giant pincers…

A Tale of Two Cities

It was the best of times, it was the worst of time. It was the age of wisdom, the age of foolishness. It was an epoch of belief, mainly about the giant crabs coming over the hill, battling against the six inch guns of our brave army boys. The crabs advanced on the platoon, tearing them apart and spooning their intestines into their sucking craws like loops of spaghetti!!

The Naked Lunch

I can feel the heat closing in, feel them making their moves, setting up their devil stool pigeons, pigeons that will one day rip out my eyeballs, along with a load of massive crabs that six inch guns do nothing against. There’s probably going to be some spooning of intestines into gaping maws like spaghetti in there as well. And then I bummed a Turkish boy.

The Old Man and the Sea

He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish. Then a crab bit his head off.

The Metamorphosis

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into an enormous crab. He tossed and turned and finally flipped over onto his legs, only to find himself overwhelmed by the urge to go rampaging around a small village in the Cotswolds whilst the army lobbed shells at him.

The Great Gatsby

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. ‘Aah!! Fucking hell!! It’s a giant crab and it’s biting off my head!!” He didn’t say any more, mainly because he was dead.

Next week we shall be showing some excerpts from when James Herbert re-wrote all the works of Charles Dickens, which mainly involved cutaways every three chapters to a rat gnawing on someone’s bollocks.

I’m off on holiday soon with the rest of the Professors to research new ways of doing swears, so today’s Corner will be quite brief.  I’ll just say we welcome a new paper – The Times – into the fold, as it joins the typical, anti-migrant and EU bashing shite wanked off by the tabloids (direct quote from Shaky’s ‘Richard The Bastard Third, You Cant!’)

I’ve weighted the Khunt Khategory (ouch, my sides!) into whicsubject features more prominently – the EU or migrants – and of course it’s migrants because the tabloids are run by marmite motorways.  It’s all scientific!

Now for the days intellectual dissection of the news:

Cunt!

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Cunt!

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Cunt!

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More news-based but still a cunt.  Murdoch wants to exit the EU, so The Times will tout it’s independence by gnawing on his bell.

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Khunt Paper

Express:             6

The Mail:           6

The Sun:            4

The Telegraph:  2

The Times:         1

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-migrant:  11

Anti-EU:          6

Racism:           1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get It’s Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

The Office of National Statistics have been kind enough to chip into the Brexit debate by mentioning that a billion squillion fachillion refugees will be out on the golden streets of London with their begging bowls and mafia in the next four days.

For those who are unaware of the role of the ONS, it is mainly to get stuff wrong, which is why economic forecasts are constantly being rewritten because, rather than consult any proper data, the ONS asked the Olde Wise Womane who lives in a bucket of shit where the economy would be in two years time if Osborne killed every firstborn, and she said “It’ll fackin’ well be through the roof, ya cant!”  Same with the population stats.

Anyway, their latest rabble rousing stat has caused the right wing press to go crazy ape bonkers, with The Torygraph tastefully bleating about how Them Foreigns will be living in our toilets soon, right next to a picture of a bunch of migrants drowning. Nice one, Telecunt.  You’re all fucking heart!

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After that we have The Mail, slowly aiming to regain its position as Top Cunt Paper Of the Year by using those self-same ‘predictions’ to have a go at their favorite bugbear, the migrants.

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I’m going to stick both of these stats under ‘anti-migrant’, as the gist of it is ‘Aaargh! The Foreigns are coming!’  I’m going out on a limb here, but I reckon the right wing press are a massive bunch of bastards, and since I’m a Professor I can say that from an academic standpoint.  And also call them ‘cunts’, but from an intellectual position.  The shitbag fuck bollocks!

Khunt Paper

Express:             5

The Mail:           5

The Sun:            3

The Telegraph: 2

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-migrant:  8

Anti-EU:           5

Racism:           1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get It’s Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

Only one today as the Daily Mail get straight down to it with a typical dig at the EU. The main (dick) splash concerns Camerbum squirelling out of a TV debate with any of the frothing, spinny eyed loons who regularly gather on the Brexit side to throw turds at people, but the (over?) sub-heading concerns how much the EU smells of wee and can’t be UKIP-minded enough to let Them Foreigns drown.  Fuck off, Mail!

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Khunt Paper

Express:             5

The Mail:           4

The Sun:            3

The Telegraph: 1

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-migrant:  6

Anti-EU:           5

Racism:           1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get It’s Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

European-pilgrims

Life after the Brexit, as imagined by Nigel Farage

As a Professor of Lovely Piles of Cash at the University of Bloody Cambridge, And Don’t You Forget It, Quisling Scum, I am often asked about the prostitutes and conmen of the Brexit debate.

There has been a large dose of codswallop spoken about the Brexit over the past few months, most of it scaremongering to enforce whichever side of the debate needs backing up, and I see it as my duty as a boffin with letters after his name who sits in a big office flicking the V’s at the paups to enlighten the pond scum about the pros and cons of such a delicate issue.

Reasons For Staying In EU:

  • Something to do with trade. Probably about tariffs or something. I’ve got a big shiny car.
  • Prevents countries fighting each other and lets them carry on fighting them ones a long way away.
  • Easier to travel as long as you’re willing to stump up some serious zlotys and not travel by Aerocock or something cheaper.
  • The Brexit lot are a bunch of cunts and it would be worth staying in just to watch the bastards squirm.
  • Speaking of which, it would fuck off Ian Duncan Smith no end, and that’s got to be a good thing.
  • More variety of pants available on the free market.
  • I’ve got a huge knob with a bellend like a German storm trooper’s helmet. Just saying that for all the laydeez out there.
  • Other things.

Reasons for Leaving the EU:

  • We can rob the paups of all their rights.
  • A Third Reich will be established, and the Brexit crowd can finally wear their Nazi uniforms like they do at weekends around Madame Spanky’s.
  • It would piss off George Osbourne, which can only be good.
  • We can trade with the Isle of Wight to get our economy thriving.
  • Everyone who wants the Brexit has a tiny penis, and it would make them feel empowered.
  • Everyone who hates Foreign Types will legitimately be able to be racist.

A lot of convincing reasons both for and against the argument there, but the one thing that cannot be ignored is The Immigration Issue.

A lot of the pro-Brexit side say, “Hey, Billy, our country is being overrun by Them Foreigns who are arriving in their billions to marry our trousers and take our jobbies, and our economic system just can’t sustain our racist bigotry for much longer, and it’s best if we keep diversity out of culture so we can go back to the 1950s and all die or rickets and scurvy, and the only way to keep everyone out and start building a fucking big wall around our Isle is to leave the EU.”

Whereas a lot of anti-Brexiters say, “Hey, Billy, our country is being overrun by Them Foreigns, and the only way to make sure we build a fucking big wall around the country and return to the 50s where we can all die of rickets and scurvy is to stay with the EU where we’ll have a tighter control over who enters and who doesn’t.”

So the main argument stands around which side can be the most bigoted, and they’re both doing a pretty decent job of it, so sod the lot of them. I didn’t study for many of your earth years to get a big office in Cambridge and live in a country house with a frigid wife and a dog I’m sexually attracted too to spend my time sifting through this load of old cock.

But in a very real sense, I’m being paid big trousers for this column, so I’d better come up with an answer. So, if you seriously want to see a country where cunts like blustering econo-twat Farage, disability kicker Ian Duncan Smith, comedy mime artist George Galloway, pob-faced speccy bellend Michael Gove and hand puppet laughing stock Boris Johnson get to run things then vote to leave.

If, on the other hand, you think these people should be put in a blender, then vote to stay. Whichever way it goes, the way the Tories are running the country into the ground we’re going to end up as a medieval feudal state in a few years anyway.