Archive for July, 2016

Apparently the decision to put a tariff on plastic bags was all The Daily Mail’s idea, and anyone who says it wasn’t is a big bag of scrotey old testicles.

This is mining the same seam that The Expressisabigpileofshit do when the Brexit is concerned.  Because of bunch of bicycle seat sniffing tabloid journos and editors don’t like something, they splash it all over the front pages, and when it goes their way the cunts claim victory.  If you’re that fucking influential, you bastard pile of knacker’s bollocks, then try campaigning against being a cunt!

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The Scum have gone for the more traditional ‘be terrified’ routine by letting us know there’s reds under the bed – excuse me – Jihadis living in our pants.  I’ve been ignoring these cunt headlines, designed to sow fear of The Other, over the course of Khunt Corner, but now it’s time to give them a kicking.  Although I’m not exactly sure what they’re trying to say with this headline.  The RAF should scour all domiciles nearby in case of dodgy types?  In which the Houses of Parliament would be fucked.

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, one for The Mule for Jingoistic Bullshit, and a new Khategory for The Scum, Be Terrified.

The Express did a cunt headline, but I couldn’t find a website which published the front page, so hopefully that’ll turn up tomorrow for a retrospective.

Khunt Papers

Express:             47

The Mail:           33

The Sun:            23

The Telegraph:  18

The Star:             5

The Times:         5

Metro:                4

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          45

Anti-migrant:  35

Tory Wank:     14

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Brexit Bullshit:   9

Jingoistic Bullshit:      9

Racism:           7

Hypocrisy!      4

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   4

Anti-Labour:   1

Be Terrified:    1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

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Where would we be without The Daily Express. I would like to say a lot better off culturally, but we’ve still got the sewer dwellers like The Mail, The Sun and the Star to fill our faces with a stream of warm piss every day.

However, it’s been a constant with The Expressisabigpileofshit over the last five days that, no matter what the news, they’ll still print some old meaty clangers about the EU, getting out of the EU, or how much of a bunch of bastard they think the EU is, probably because some French kid stole Richard Desmond’s sweets when he was a nipper, I’ll wager.

True to form, the big pile of jizz stiffened wanking socks that is The Express have come up with a double header (ooer, obviously) for today, both slurping all over May’s claggy bum crack whilst also dissing the EU for being democratic.  ‘May: I’ll Get the Best EU Deal’ it roars, as though the collection of death rays and spanners that runs the Tory party has carte blanche over trade and immigration with twenty seven countries who think the UK is a massive twat for leaving.

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One for the Tory Wank folder, I think.

Khunt Papers

Express:             47

The Mail:           32

The Sun:            22

The Telegraph:  18

The Star:             5

The Times:         5

Metro:                4

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          45

Anti-migrant:  35

Tory Wank:     14

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Brexit Bullshit:   9

Jingoistic Bullshit:      8

Racism:           7

Hypocrisy!      4

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   4

Anti-Labour:   1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

This must be some sort of record.  For a staggering fourth day in a row The Paper That Walks With Hitler has managed to avoid any actual news in favour of hammering out their single-minded pursuit of trying to whinge the Tories into pulling out of EU as soon as possible.

Yes, it’s our old friends The Expressisabigpileofshit.  News is no longer a thing.  Anti-EU propaganda is.  Like an impatient hound at the door of destiny, the Express are scratching to be let out into the back yard of the future to do a big shit all over the people of Britain.

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The rest of the papers – yes, even the right wing ones – apparently think there’s news out there to report.  The fools!

One for the anti-EU Khategory, obviously.

Khunt Papers

Express:             46

The Mail:           32

The Sun:            22

The Telegraph:  18

The Star:             5

The Times:         5

Metro:                4

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          45

Anti-migrant:  35

Tory Wank:     13

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Brexit Bullshit:   9

Jingoistic Bullshit:      8

Racism:           7

Hypocrisy!      4

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   4

Anti-Labour:   1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

The Times leap straight in with a classic bit of Tory toadying with the results from a poll of Labour voters saying May smelt of fragrant engine oil whilst Corbyn was a big smelly poo made of wee.  Not sure what Labour voters they were, seeing as Corbyn was voted in with a mandate from the masses, but presumably the question was ‘Would You Vote For A Killer Robot Sent From The Future To Kill John Conner Or A Big Plop’.  Rigged vote, perchance?

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The Expressisabigpileofshit are on an express elevator straight to hell as they reel out yet another load of old testicles about how billions of migrants are just about to invade with their poverty unless we leave the EU, based on some old cock by the home affairs select committee put together by some bloke with a suspicious moustache and an affinity for saluting Hitler.  I would say you couldn’t make it up, but these fuckers do every day.

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One point for Tory Wank (Times) and one, as ever, for anti-EU (Expressisawankingtrampmadeofoldrottingcocks)

Khunt Papers

Express:             45

The Mail:           32

The Sun:            22

The Telegraph:  18

The Star:             5

The Times:         5

Metro:                4

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          44

Anti-migrant:  35

Tory Wank:     13

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Brexit Bullshit:   9

Jingoistic Bullshit:      8

Racism:           7

Hypocrisy!      4

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   4

Anti-Labour:   1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

Blimey!  Having a quick scan of the papes this morning I thought it was going to be another case of having to print nothing, as they were all reporting news or having a go at Phillip Green for being a fat, greedy twat.

Luckily, The Expressisabigpileofshit have stepped up to the breach ONCE AGAIN, and printed a load of old dangly loveblobs about the EU.  According to them, 98% percent of people polled said we should get out of Europe right now instead of faffing around with all these ‘negotiations’ the modern types keep talking so much about these days, which does beg the question what witless fuckwits did they poll.  I hazard a guess it’s the sort of witless fuckwits who read The Express, voted Brexit, and smear shit all over their faces because they haven’t worked out the rudimentaries of using toilet paper.  Either that, or it’s a load of made up bollocks.  Dear reader, you decide.

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Obviously one for the anti-EU Khategory.  Again.

Express:             44

The Mail:           32

The Sun:            22

The Telegraph:  18

The Star:             5

The Times:         4

Metro:                4

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          43

Anti-migrant:  35

Tory Wank:     12

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Brexit Bullshit:   9

Jingoistic Bullshit:      8

Racism:           7

Hypocrisy!      4

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   4

Anti-Labour:   1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

Phillip Green, friend to big piles of money, dominates the majority of the headlines today, except for one particular paper whose dedication to ignoring the issues of the day should probably get it a knighthood for Ignoring The Bloody Obvious.

It’s our old friend, The Expressisabigpileofshit.  As with the past few days there has been a lack of massively cunty headlines for me to expectorate my vitriol all over, but – at the end of the day – you can always rely on The Express to be witlessly twatty.

To no surprise to anyone the feckless testicles are still banging on about the fucking EU.  STILL!?!  As usual they’re getting brown trousers over the idea of Britain not being fucking stupid and not leaving the EU, and start blubbering like the big girly knobends we all know them to be over rumour and speculation.  I hope the negotiations go on for fucking decades, mainly because the idea of Brexit is fucking clown shoes, but also because of the idea that it reduces Richard Desmond to a screaming child having a tantrum for having his jelly taken away from him amuses me.  Suck my fucking balls, Desmond, you cunty old fart sack!

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One for the anti-EU Khuntegory, I think.

Khunt Papers:

Express:             43

The Mail:           32

The Sun:            22

The Telegraph:  18

The Star:             5

The Times:         4

Metro:                4

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          42

Anti-migrant:  35

Tory Wank:     12

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Brexit Bullshit:   9

Jingoistic Bullshit:      8

Racism:           7

Hypocrisy!      4

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   4

Anti-Labour:   1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

That’s right, punters. If certain sections of the media are to be believed the economy is kicking the arse of austerity and we’ll soon all be living in a world of silver space suits, rocket ships and trips to the moon.

The Torygraph report that the entire United Kingdom has decided that Them Johnny Foriegner places are terrible and everyone is taking in the delights of the Staycation.  The fact that no one has any fucking money to go abroad is neither here nor there.

Actually, it’s cheaper to get to Madrid than it is to get to Scotland, so maybe by ‘Staycation’ the Torycunt actually means ‘people sitting at home sinking into alcoholic despair due to stretched finances’.

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Anyway, let’s not let facts get in the way as The Expressisabigpileofshit has reported that house prices have got a big stiffy and are going through the roof as willing punters find they have loads of free gold available. Their piece of shit story makes it look as though The Brexit actually caused the house prices to rise, when the actual rise was notified BEFORE the Brexit vote, the stupid fucking lying shit faced bollock arsed fanny twats (and THAT’s ruddy swearing, that fucking well bastard shit is!))  So, they’re manipulating the facts to suit their agenda, which is being a bunch of flag waving bigots.

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Anyway, we get a point for Jingoistic Bullshit for the Torycunt and a point for Brexit Bullshit from the Expressisafuckingbigpileofoldgrannywank.

Khunt Papers:

Express:             42

The Mail:           32

The Sun:            22

The Telegraph:  18

The Star:             5

The Times:         4

Metro:                4

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          41

Anti-migrant:  35

Tory Wank:     12

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Brexit Bullshit:   9

Jingoistic Bullshit:      8

Racism:           7

Hypocrisy!      4

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   4

Anti-Labour:   1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks