Archive for August, 2016

In a massive surprise move the rest of the newspapers mainly concentrate on Apple being a tax-avoiding git whilst The Expressisabigpileofshit concentrate on clinging to the idea that they’ll wake up tomorrow and May will have booted the Brexit into touch, and we’ll all be riding penny farthings and hanging foreigners.  Get used to it, Brexit cunts – May will be trying to drag this fucker out for as long as possible because it’s already proving to be an economic suicide note, so she’ll be toadying around Brussels as much as possible so they don’t hoof the UK in the financial bollocks and send it hurtling into another recession.

Don’t tell the Brexiters that, though – it’ll fuck up their ideology that the UK can be an economic powerhouse trading with the small island of Outer Testicular where their main export is shiny pebbles.

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It’s worth mentioning the front cover of The Sun today, as they give over a full page spread to the news of some poor bloke getting killed just for being Polish.  Although the paper should be applauded for highlighting the issue of racism on their front page, I can’t help thinking that the fuckers who printed all that anti-migrant and anti-EU shit over the last few decades had some part to play in the man’s death.  On the one hand these hypocritical fucks are screaming about Brexit and Them Foreigns coming over here and etc, and then on the other standing back in appalled horror, blood on their hands, protesting their shock at the turn of events.

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Anyway, enough social observation about shit tickets masquerading as newspapers.  One point for The Express and their anti-EU stance, which can only bring about more cases like the one highlighted by The Sun, and one for The Sun and the ‘Hypocrisy’ category, as they protest their innocence whilst stoking the fires of intolerance and racism.  Still, anything to get out or the EU, eh, you feckless Brexit cunts.

Khunt Papers

Express:             64

The Mail:           37

The Sun:            27

The Telegraph:  22

The Times:         7

The Star:             5

Metro:                5

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          51

Anti-migrant:  48

Tory Wank:     14

Jingoistic Bullshit:      12

Brexit Bullshit:   11

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Racism:           8

Hypocrisy!      5

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   4

Anti-Labour:   3

Be Terrified:    2

Public Service Horror 2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

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After a brief respite from the right wing insanity that festers in the moldering pits of our national newspapers The Corner is back with a bumper issue today, as a bunch of papers get all hot under the collar at the French telling us to fack off and facking well do one, you cants! I wonder if this is linked to the Brexit, by any chance.  Silly me, OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS!

Anyways, let’s start off this cavalcade of wank with a headline from The Telegraph, sporting a tub thumping stiff upper lip to them Foreign Types, with the news that ‘Britain will not give way’ on migrants. Not exactly sure how they’ve come to this conclusion, but it’s probably through a combination of parroting the government press releases and making shit up.

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Speaking of which, The Metro tug their forelocks in the expected manner, reporting that the ‘Home Office slaps down’ the Calais chiefs decision to let legitimate migrant seekers across the channel. This is obviously bullshit, and the reality is there was an irritated shuffling of papers from the Home Office before Amber Rudd slouched off and sulked in the corner.  These Tory cunts can say what the fuck they like, but that doesn’t make it fact.

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Speaking of wanky old soggy biscuits, The Mail get all John Bull on Calais’ arse with ‘fury’ at the decision.  We can see a definite ramping up of the rhetoric here, with the Telegraph trying to be all colonial whilst the Mule get all fist-wavy and foot-stampy.  Toys will be discarded from prams at some point.

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Speaking of fuck shit cunt piss wank bollocks arsehole tits, populist fanny wank The Expressisabigpileofshit goes that one step further and predicts the end of the known universe if Foreign Types are allowed to get even a whiff of British air. According to them we face a ‘disaster’ if legitimate asylum seekers are allowed into the country.  The only disaster we’re facing is letting these clown shoes publish their tedious right wing cock cheese to a drooling, Brexit voting, counting-by-stamping-their-feet readership.  Is that patronising?  Yes.  Fuck off, Brexit cunts!

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, hard call on the Khategories ticket today, as they could be construed as racist with their attitude to the French, but in the end, because all the headlines are so rabidly anti-migrant, I think we can allot four points to that Khategory.

When Brexit happens and the NHS closes down and all these journo cunts can’t get treatment because they’re not rich enough to go private, the fuckers might realise why being a racist cunt is not the best option for an inclusive, fully functioning society. Fuckwits.

Khunt Papers

Express:             63

The Mail:           37

The Sun:            26

The Telegraph:  22

The Times:         7

The Star:             5

Metro:                5

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          50

Anti-migrant:  48

Tory Wank:     14

Jingoistic Bullshit:      12

Brexit Bullshit:   11

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Racism:           8

Hypocrisy!      4

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   4

Anti-Labour:   3

Be Terrified:    2

Public Service Horror 2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

The Times emerge from the slurry that festers around Murdoch’s ringpiece to rattle the sabers about Them Foreigns. The actual article concerns the Polish being the UK’s largest migrant group.  Why is this news?  What is the possible point of this being on the front page?  And why the sub-headline concerning how they’ve overtaken Indians?  To remind its readers that Britain is a multi-cultural society, or to push some bullshit racist agenda?  You decide.  No, in fact, I’ll decide.  Since The Times is a Murdoch paper it thrives on being a massive cunt to anyone but bankers and the twinset-and-pearls brigade who lap up this shit.  It’s The Express for posh nobs who drink tea with their pinkies out (ooer, obviously).  Suck it, Times, you right wing fucks.

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The Scum, on the other hand, have gone for a bit of ‘Elf n Safety Gorn Mad’ (which is now a new Khunt Khategory) by printing some old toss about alcohol intake and the amount of pints you can drink before you start acting like a cunt and voting Brexit. The article talks of ‘strict new guidelines’ but it’s just the same old wank about ministers voting to cut the RECOMMENDED – NOT ENSHRINED IN LAW, YOU DOCILE FUCK BUCKETS – amount of alcohol tramps can drink.  In the great scheme of things it means fuck all, because as a nation of alcoholics we’ll carry on quaffing as much as our livers allow.

Incidentally, just where the fuck is this ‘fury’ coming from, Murdoch? You cunty old spamhead.  (I should say ‘Tony Ghallagher’ really, since he’s the editor, but we all know he’s just a foil for Murdoch’s propoganda, grubbing around his boots like the wormtongue cunt we all know him to be.  Fuck off back to the sewers.)

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Lastly we have The Expressisabigpileofshit, which is Double Cunting the front page today by having both an anti-migrant headline and a picture of Farage and Trump exchanging life giving nutrients through their alien hands. It looks as though Trump is going ‘Hark, here are my warriors of shit, please spunk words of bigotry and lies all over their gormless upturned faces, oh man with the visage of a frog.’  What he’s actually doing is showing Farage a picture of a cock he’s drawn on his palm.

Anyway, The Express print their usual lies about migration because Richard Desmond is a bumbling, clueless chod womble. Fuck off, you mindless racist bigoted cunty balls.

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So, with that in mind we have two points for anti-migrant from The Times and the Express, because that’s all the news the fucking witless piss bags could be bigoted enough to wank on about (direct quote from Henry V, that), and a new category from The Sun in ‘Elf N Safety Gorn Mad’ as these bullshit articles crop up every now and then.

Phun Phact: Tabloid editors will wank for coins.

 

Khunt Papers

Express:             62

The Mail:           36

The Sun:            26

The Telegraph:  21

The Times:         7

The Star:             5

Metro:                4

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          50

Anti-migrant:  44

Tory Wank:     14

Jingoistic Bullshit:      12

Brexit Bullshit:   11

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Racism:           8

Hypocrisy!      4

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   4

Anti-Labour:   3

Be Terrified:    2

Public Service Horror 2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

“Where’s The Express?!” I hear you cry. “Why, normally on Ladies Front Bottom Corner the UK’s cheeky, chirpy Der Stürmer alternative is to be found decrying the EU or migrants at some juncture, proving once and for all that, rather than the UK being a moderate society which welcomes all, the country is a simmering mass of barely suppressed xenophobic hysteria?”

Incredible as it is to believe, the Pravda for Brexit cunts has not made it into today’s Khunt Corner. Instead the lone flag-waver for being a shit is The Torygraph as they report back on Our Dear Leader’s promise to shake a fist angrily at low skilled migrants for having the temerity to get shot at by Assad’s forces.

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On a relevant point, it’s funny how the pervading myth about the UK seems to be that we’re a culture that welcomes in the alternative, considering the Brexit vote and the rise of the nationalistic right in the country. Not everyone voted to leave the EU for racist reasons, but considering the main thrust of the Brexit campaign was a closed border policy it does make you wonder.

Anyway, the Torycunt headline could count as both anti-EU and anti-migrant, but in this case we’ll give it one (ooer, obviously) for the anti-migrant camp, seeing as the thrust of the article was against migrants. It would be nice, just once, for these fuckers to print something positive about the EU or immigration, but since they’re written by cunts for cunts to read, I guess we’ll just have to put up with the right wing cunt schmorgasboard of shitty arsed fuckwittery that is the right wing press.

Phun Phact: 50% of Brexit voters find Nigel Farage sexually attractive.

Khunt Papers

Express:             61

The Mail:           36

The Sun:            25

The Telegraph:  21

The Times:         6

The Star:             5

Metro:                4

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          50

Anti-migrant:  42

Tory Wank:     14

Jingoistic Bullshit:      12

Brexit Bullshit:   11

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Racism:           8

Hypocrisy!      4

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   4

Anti-Labour:   3

Be Terrified:    2

Public Service Horror 2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

As we all know, Corbyn is the evil God who mocks our tiny penises (or norks, if you’re a woman – let’s not be sexist) and luckily the right wing press are first on the ball every time he sticks his foot in his mouth and acts like Ringy The Ringpiece, the lesser well-known mascot of the Rio Olympics.

The Daily Torygraph seem quite muted in their sarcasm, barely drumming up enough courage to mournfully flick the V’s at the Labour leader.

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So it’s up to The Fucking Cunt to stick the proper boot in by calling Corbyn a hypocrite. The fact that they’re talking about the cunting Virgin rail line here should not be lost on people, and the fact that the Mule are a bunch of hypocritical shit faced wank stains should also not be lost on people.  This is, after all, the cunting paper that spent all it’s known hours printing stories about how migrants are evil, filthy job snatchers, only to cry their crocodile tears when Aylan Kurdi’s beached washed up on the Turkish shore.

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My only question is, why did it take so long for Virgin to release the footage. Different trip, maybe?  First hand accounts at the scene tell a different story to the one The Torycunt and the Mailycunt spin.  On the other hand we all know Corbyn is a giant robot monster hell bent on eating orphaned babies, so it should be no surprise that he’s fibbing about his journey.

The Expressisabigpileofshit, on the other hand, ignore the obvious and go straight for them evil migrants again, what with them escaping war zones and such like, and opt for another story about how they’re all ready to go Scarface on France’s bottom and have a massive punch up which doesn’t respect the Queensbury rules, just because they get treated like sewage by the authorities. They’ll be expecting to be treated like human beings next!

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Anyway, cunt points all over the shop today, with two for Anti-Labour, bumping it up the ladder, and one for Anti-migrant, because The Expresssucksyetiballs is a massive shitty pissflap of a paper which dreams of the day it can be classy enough to smell of tramp’s wee.

Phun Phact: Brexit voters spend 50% of their time trying to push open doors that say ‘Pull’.

Khunt Papers

Express:             61

The Mail:           36

The Sun:            25

The Telegraph:  20

The Times:         6

The Star:             5

Metro:                4

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          50

Anti-migrant:  41

Tory Wank:     14

Jingoistic Bullshit:      12

Brexit Bullshit:   11

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Racism:           8

Hypocrisy!      4

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   4

Anti-Labour:   3

Be Terrified:    2

Public Service Horror 2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

It’s been a long time coming (ooer, obviously) but the Corner finally has a different newspaper to angrily shake a fist at.

The Mail, as part of their long running attempt to let you know how shit public services are, are reminding the UK that the NHS is under-staffed and underfunded.  Rather than point out that creeping privatisation and government mishandling are responsible for the mistakes currently plaguing the NHS they just point out that it smells of old tramps wee.  The message here is go private rather than lobby to get more funding for an over-stretched service.  I wonder if Dacre has shares in BUPA?

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Blimey, that started to sound like a critical essay on government negligence, so here’s The Expressisabigpileofshit to redress the sweary balance by printing an out-of-context headline about Junker saying borders are stupid and has a tiny penis and can’t do wheelies on their Grifters.  He did it, according to The Express, whilst flicking the V’s at a picture of the Queen and doing a big shit on a bulldog, before spamming a cockney on his bald head and kicking over a Brexit voting pensioner.  I would say that last bit was made up, but it’s probably the bulk of their story.

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One point for The Mail and Public Service Horror and one, AS FUCKING ALWAYS, for The Expresswankpissarseholefuck, for more anti-EU cock.

Khunt Papers

Express:             60

The Mail:           35

The Sun:            25

The Telegraph:  19

The Times:         6

The Star:             5

Metro:                4

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          50

Anti-migrant:  40

Tory Wank:     14

Jingoistic Bullshit:      12

Brexit Bullshit:   11

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Racism:           8

Hypocrisy!      4

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   4

Be Terrified:    2

Public Service Horror 2

Anti-Labour:   1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

There was an Olympics!  We won lots of medals!  Yay!  We came second in the big table of them nations which win things by sport!  Yay, again!  This is a time for newspaper-type celebration, with lots of covers of athletic types looking happy with the UK flag and them afore mentioned medals.  Yay, for a third time.

Of course, in Daily Express world, this is exactly the time to stick the boot into the EU and mention how we’ve got NO WORRIES AT ALL in the Brexit future, because we can run 100m without tripping over.  They’ve dug out some more pro-Brexit experts who definitely don’t live in the street and aren’t called ‘Trampy Pete Who’ll Say Anything For a Bottle of White Lightning’ to say that the UK economy has got a massive stiffy and will retain that stiffy for eternity once Brexit has been accomplished, despite what all them other financial experts have been saying.

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One point for Jingoistic Bullshit.

Khunt Papers

Express:             59

The Mail:           34

The Sun:            25

The Telegraph:  19

The Times:         6

The Star:             5

Metro:                4

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          49

Anti-migrant:  40

Tory Wank:     14

Jingoistic Bullshit:      12

Brexit Bullshit:   11

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Racism:           8

Hypocrisy!      4

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   4

Be Terrified:    2

Public Service Horror 1

Anti-Labour:   1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks