Archive for September, 2016

After a scurrilous day where there were no – repeat ‘no’ – headlines for The Corner as all the papes were bleating on about bungs in the footie industry, which we all know goes on anyway, so it’s not really that much of a shock, but there we go, we finally get a traditional piece of good old wanky ‘Elf N Safety Gorn Mad’ hysteria as Health Secretary Jeremy Cunt orders restaurants to sanction fatties by reducing the size of their puddings.  That will slash the obesity rates in seconds, obviously.

He really is a clueless fuckwit.

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Anyway, after that bombshell it’s up to The Mule to take over from The Expressisabigpileofshit and print today’s anti-migrant story, as they prove once and for all that God hates migrants as well because some Bishop backs up their bigotry, although – this being The Mule – his words have probably been taken out of context and distorted to fit their own xenophobic agenda. So, just for safety’s sake, I’m going to call Paul Dacre a cunt on this one.

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One for Elf an Etc and the other for anti-migrant.

Two days and no Express.  I can feel the reality in the world shifting.  If they come out with a ‘Corbyn Iz Grate and Migrants Rool’ headline tomorrow I’ll know I’ve somehow slipped into an alternate dimension where Richard Desmond isn’t a great, jizzing bellend of a sewer dweller.

Khunt Papers:

Express:             81

The Mail:           49

The Sun:            29

The Telegraph:  25

The Times:         8

Metro:                6

The Star:             6

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          58

Anti-migrant:  54

Tory Wank:     18

Jingoistic Bullshit:      18

Brexit Bullshit:   15

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Racism:           9

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   5

Public Service Horror     5

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Terrified:    2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

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Donald Trump at college, yesterday

I think everyone can agree (except Filthy Frank who runs the Dirty Mag and Dog Fighting Shop next to King’s College – he disagrees with everything) that the latest presidential election bid has been a wild and chaotic affair, more akin to a fairground attraction than a job interview for the highest office in the United States.  We have seen slander, lies, vitriol and complete lack of candour, and most of this has come from the Trump camp.

For the sake of clarity I would like to point out that Trump, in this case, is referring to the psychopath and small handed gimp creature Donald Trump, and not the big farty noises that emanate from the collective bottom of human kind – although it’s easy to confuse the two.

We put our greatest researcher (a Mr. Massive Great Testicles, OBE) onto the case to look into the history of Mr. Trump and his comedically small penis, and after eons of research and definitely not five minutes on the internet we discovered these amazing reports, from his early year’s right up to his later career as a shill for NBC.

First of all we discovered an assessment from when Trump was only six months old from a Mrs. Fanny Flaps, Abbess of St. Bastards School of Sadistic Brown Shirts, a ‘kindergarten for all of God’s little mistakes’.  It reads:

‘Donald Trump is a cunt.  On Day One he decided that little Miguel was ‘a bastard son of a rapist whore’ and proceeded to build a wall around the unfortunate child.  When Li Xiu Ying tried to intervene Donald accused her of stealing his pencil and then proceeded to wail and rub feces into a mop end he’d glued to his head, calling her a ‘fat, sweaty pig’.’

Obviously signs of a troubled childhood from the outset.  But did his attitude change as he grew older?  Mr. Great Testicles unearthed this high school report from The American Bald Eagle Apple Pie High School of Commie Killing in the suburb of Arse Helmet, Queens.  It reads:

‘Donald Trump is a cunt.  On meeting Principle Meltedcheesepie, who is well known to have a problem with her weight, he immediately dropped kicked her out of a twelve story window and then proceeded to kick the wheelchair bound Timmy Orphanedkitten down the stairs before claiming that all Vietnam POW’s were making it up and shouldn’t have been caught in the first place.’

The seeds of his later ideology taking root there.

We finish off with a report from Richard Dastardly, the head of the Light Entertainment, Shows About Clowns and Puppies and Documentary Stuff at NBC, where he reports on Donald Trump’s bid to sell him the Trump Productions program The Apprentarse.  It goes:

‘Donald Trump is a cunt.  A charismatic cunt, I’ll agree, but only to those people who find Hitler charismatic.  Within the course of negotiations he’d insulted all my Mexican, Muslim, Asian and female staff, fellated Ivan Bighelmet in the belief it would gain him credit, kicked out the crutches of several visiting disabled war veterans and proceeded to try and masturbate with his tiny hands over a picture of himself.  Unfortunately his hands were so tiny and his penis so small that he was unable to touch himself in the appropriate manner, and ended up crying in the corner and telling us we’d all regret laughing at his genitals when he became President and bombed the studios for being a terrorist threat.  My first judgement would be to deny NBC the rights to The Apprentarse, but since Donald has given me a massive pile of unmarked bills in a huge sack I feel we have no recourse but to take the show on.  May God help us all.’

As we can see, the history that has shaped Donald ‘Where’s My Willy’ Trump has its roots way back in history, and let us never forget that this man has always been, and always will be, a source of inspiration to a special kind of patriot.  One that’s a cunt, obviously.

 

 

 

The rest of the papes may be banging on about Allardyce and his *ahem* ‘cash problems’, but there are two stalwarts of the British tabloid industry that live by their own rules, and won’t let The Man dictate what their headlines are going to be.

After yesterday’s ‘La La Land Labour’ headline the Mule splash writers have caught a wave and are riding that fucker for all it’s worth.  This time it’s Labour’s stance on migrant issues that are in La La Land, specifically Corbyn as he refuses to tug the Brexit bellend on rules for limiting migration.  Obviously this fucks with The Mule’s plans to turn the UK into an Aryan hinterlandso no wonder they’re throwing their swastika’s out of the pram.

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The Expressisabigpileofshit explain how migrants are just vanishing into thin air, never to be seen again, probably down to some Cthuluan devilry or inter-dimensional timewarp, because how else can you explain it?  After randomly throwing a bunch of figures into the air and then ignoring them, they come to the conclusion that 12,000 migrants are disappearing based on Home Office statistics, which were made up on the back of a fag packet anyway.  Either that or David Copperfield has come in, shoved a big sheet up in front of Calais, and then made them all vanish.

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One point for The Mule and their Anti-Labour stance, and one point for The Expressisawankbiscuitcoveredinpubes’ anti-migrant stance.  What a bunch of cunts these papers are.

Khunt Papers:

Express:             81

The Mail:           48

The Sun:            29

The Telegraph:  25

The Times:         7

Metro:                6

The Star:             6

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          58

Anti-migrant:  53

Tory Wank:     18

Jingoistic Bullshit:      18

Brexit Bullshit:   15

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Racism:           9

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   5

Public Service Horror     5

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Terrified:    2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

At least it’s a change from the usual anti-EU bashing as The Mule stick on their size ten Doc Martins and go wading into the Labour promises, saying they’re completely unrealistic and not at all like them Tory pledges which are all totally realistic and they can definitely pull us out of austerity by pledging a unicorn in every mansion.

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The Expressisabigpileofshit do their usual Pravda bullshit by quoting – get this – a government source at the Treasury who tells them that of course everything is cider and roses and they’ll be no hatred or poverty once we pull out of the EU.  The more The Express keep printing these headlines, which are a daily occurrence now, the more it reeks of desperation.

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One for Anti-Labour and one for Brexit Bullshit.  At this rate the Express could hit that magic ton mark as Britain’s Cuntiest Wank Biscuit.

Khunt Papers:

Express:             80

The Mail:           47

The Sun:            29

The Telegraph:  25

The Times:         7

Metro:                6

The Star:             6

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          58

Anti-migrant:  52

Tory Wank:     18

Jingoistic Bullshit:      18

Brexit Bullshit:   15

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Racism:           9

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   5

Public Service Horror     5

Anti-Labour:   4

Be Terrified:    2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

As the above strapline hints, today’s Corner is full of nonsense, as The Expressisabigpileofshit take it upon themselves to print some old cak about Boris Johnson blathering on like the gimlet eyed back stabber he is about getting out of the EU and etc.  You’ve heard it all before, we’ve heard it all before, and the only reason Richard Desmond keeps printing these headline is because he’s got a short term memory from slamming his bellend in the fridge door too much.

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Yes another one for the anti-EU brigade, even though the votes already been in and Robot May From The Year 3,000 has promised an exit.

Khunt Papers:

Express:             79

The Mail:           46

The Sun:            29

The Telegraph:  25

The Times:         7

Metro:                6

The Star:             6

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          58

Anti-migrant:  52

Tory Wank:     18

Jingoistic Bullshit:      18

Brexit Bullshit:   14

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Racism:           9

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   5

Public Service Horror     5

Anti-Labour:   3

Be Terrified:    2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

It’s been a while since I’ve touched the weekend papers, but they seem to have come back with a vengeance.

First up we get The Mail, having a pop at both the EU and the public services, with the news that – hold on to your top bollocks, folks – doctors from the European Union work for the NHS.  I couldn’t believe it, either.  I thought they were all bred in a test tube from Thatcher’s tears and the Queen’s fanny batter.  Apparently the head of the General Medical Council is a Brexit loving cunt as well, as he says no basic safety checks are carried out on Them Foreigns doctors, which obviously must be true, and as long as you turn up with a scalpel and a note saying ‘I is gud at doctoring, innit’ you’ll get straight to the head of the queue as far as dealing with patients is concerned.

Hard to know where to categorise this cunt, but I think it’ll have to be ‘Anti-EU’.  Nice to see The Daily Mail on the ‘being a massive bellend’ bandwagon again.

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The Expressisabigpileofshit, being the massive cheesy helmets made of diseased clag nuts that they are, back this hypothesis up, such is their rabid belief in sticking a big boot up the EU’s fanny.  I reckon, in the past the EU probably went out on a date with The Express and then found it not to their liking and refused to answer their calls, and now The Express has got all angry and hateful to the EU, which explains their endless tirade if shit against it.  Anyway, needless to say, the Expressispoo is the usual load of old cunty fuck shit piss wank cock, with a healthy layering of racist wank cheered on by Brexiters, I imagine.

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On for Anti-EU again.

On a personal note, I’d just like to say, as a professor of bollocks, all tabloid journos are massive cunts.

Khunt Papers:

Express:             78

The Mail:           46

The Sun:            29

The Telegraph:  25

The Times:         7

Metro:                6

The Star:             6

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          57

Anti-migrant:  52

Tory Wank:     18

Jingoistic Bullshit:      18

Brexit Bullshit:   14

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Racism:           9

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   5

Public Service Horror     5

Anti-Labour:   3

Be Terrified:    2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

It had to happen someday.  The Daily Mail, resentful and bitter about not featuring in The Corner for so long, have finally caved in to mass popular opinion and changed its name to ‘Sort It Out’.  Their headline feature is why the Tory party are a massive bunch of cunts, followed by one about how Donald Trump is a gibbering fuckmonkey.

Oops, my mistake.  It’s just some balls about May getting tough with the top brass, at which point one of the top brass may have mentioned about falling finances, which would have made May turn into a liquid metal robot from the future and gun down John Connor.  Probably.

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We’ll chalk that one up under ‘Tory Wank’, as even though the point of the story is about the plan to stop the prosecution of troops who served in Iraq, the main thrust is to make May look as though she has testicles made of iron.

Next up those ruddy Americans are showing no bluddy respect for our ruddy bluddy heritage by turning Churchill’s home into a Nazi stronghold.  It’s actually a piece of set dressing for the new Transformers piece of shit, but that doesn’t stop The Sun frothing at the mouth all over it.  What they don’t realise is it’s actually NOT set dressing, and Nigel Farage has taken it over and changed it to his specifications.

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We’ll mark that up under Jingoistic Bullshit, as it’s The Scum getting all hot and bothered over their eugenics loving hero.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand finally we have The Expressisabigpileofshit, and what delights does The Paper That Cunty Fuck Wank have for us this morn?  A delicate piece on racial harmony, perchance?  A thought provoking cry for greater integration, mayhap?  Or another bibbling piece of anti-EU tosh wanked out of the diseased, skanky cock of Richard Desmond’s half inch todger?  It’s the last one, obviously, as they start rattling the cages about the EU giving us a fair deal once we Brexit, despite many years of The Express telling us that the EU is a massive wank sock full of shit.  If I were the EU I’d tell Britain to fuck right off back to the stone age.

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One for Anti-EU there.

Incidentally, the papes have been blathering on about ‘EU exit not as bad as it seems’ because the economy hasn’t nose-dived, but then you look at the fucking graphs and the only reason the economy is recovering is because the fucker had nowhere to go after the vote.  Everything plunged to rock bottom.  So fuck off pro-Brexit pundits, and start chomping on my massive metal cock!  The economy is still up plop creek.

Khunt Papers:

Express:             77

The Mail:           45

The Sun:            29

The Telegraph:  25

The Times:         7

Metro:                6

The Star:             6

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          55

Anti-migrant:  52

Tory Wank:     18

Jingoistic Bullshit:      18

Brexit Bullshit:   14

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Racism:           9

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   5

Public Service Horror     5

Anti-Labour:   3

Be Terrified:    2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     1

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks