Archive for October, 2016

We start the week with a classic bit of ‘Dole Scrounger Scum’ from The Sun as they report of a family of not-white-people getting a house ON THEM BENEFITS!!! In Milton Keynes.  I think having to live in Milton Keynes is torture enough, but The Scum, being a bunch of racists, have decided that they need to get burned at the stake.  As per usual for this kind of story, the facts are probably completely different from the hysteria the fuck nuggets at this piss poor excuse for a Beano comic have stated, but that won’t stop them tugging the Tory helmet in an effort to curry favour with Robot Killer From The Future, Theresabot 4000.

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The Expressisabigpileofshit have gone for the traditional ‘everyone’s getting a Bugatti a big bunch of cash made from unicorns’ headline as they claim – from *cough, cough* ‘research’ conducted by – of all fucking people – a bunch of Leave campaigners, that we’ll all be much better off once we hoof Brussels in the knackers and trade will go through the roof and things like Import/Export duties and trade tariffs won’t happen to the UK because we’re so skill and great and can do wheelies on our Grifters.  Tomorrow they’ll be printing a report from Brexit supporters saying Nigel Farage and Bojo have massive knobs and are respected by all world leaders and are definitely not cunts.

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Khunt Khorner Marks go to:

1.      ‘Uman Roights Gorn Mad’ – The Scum

2.      Brexit Bullshit – The Expresssmellsofwankingtramps

Khunt Papers:

Express:             99

The Mail:           60

The Sun:            33

The Telegraph:  28

The Times:         8

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-migrant:  62

Anti-EU:          61

Tory Wank:     25

Brexit Bullshit:   24

Jingoistic Bullshit:      23

Racism:           10

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Public Service Horror     8

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Terrified:    3

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

It’s been awhile, but those stalwarts of journalistic integrity are back in The Corner as The Torygraph rattle their tiny, wilted sabres at Them Foreigns and the NHS and bluster about health tourism.  Since the Torygraph’s readership consists of upper class twits with huge handlebars moustaches, wearing monacles as they sit on the lawns of their mansions whilst the Philipino maid they bought off the Interweb serves them Darjeeling just before the cabin boy takes them down to the special dungeon to shove a pineapple up their ring whilst they’re dressed as a Belgian transsexual, this will go down well, reminding them that all foreigns can’t be trusted and especially not public services like the NHS.

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To be honest you expect The Torygraph to have a go at anything of benefit to the proles.  They’re helped by The Mule, literally shitting not only their own pants but the pants of the people next to them in apoplectic fury as the wank on with the same story.  ‘A SICK JOKE!’ they wail, then rustle up some cak about the NHS moaning about the lack of money but failing to collect from Health Tourists.  Well, you sad sack of pitiful sawn off cocks, it costs more than 500 million to run the fucking NHS, and besides, the fucking National Health Service are mainly known for helping the sick, but sending in Knuckles O’Violence to strong-arm some poor fucker for not coughing up for his cancer treatment.  Far be it from me at this point to mention about how the multi-cunting-nationals rip off the tax system to the tune of billions.  The fucking piss flaps at The Mule won’t even bother raising a ‘meh’ of objection if that fucker came up, so get your cunting priorities right, you sad pile of rotting elephant’s balls.

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Speaking of which, The Expressisabigpileofshit have decided to stick the boot into the Remainers once more as the economy has risen like a wilting dick to a staggering 0.5%, with no mention of how the fucker plunged like a suicidal fatty after being given the news that pies had been outlawed.  As I keep saying, the economy went so far down the fucking tubes there was only one way to go, but don’t let economic practicalities spoil the shit ticket’s flag waving jingoistic bollocks.

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, it’s points time, and The Expresssuckmoneyballs are one point away from that magic hundred, where they shall win a big bucket of shit to be shoved over Richard Desmond’s head.  Points are:

1.      Public Service Horror – 2 (Toryshit and Daily Hitler)

2.      Jingoistic Bullshit –        1 (The Expressisnotaverynicepaper)

Khunt Papers:

Express:             99

The Mail:           60

The Sun:            33

The Telegraph:  28

The Times:         8

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-migrant:  62

Anti-EU:          61

Tory Wank:     25

Brexit Bullshit:   24

Jingoistic Bullshit:      23

Racism:           10

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Public Service Horror     8

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Terrified:    3

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

Nothing really going on in the world at the moment, if the front cover of the papes is anything to go by.  Oh, some of them have a stab at world politics, with The Mule trying to stir up a bit of international conflict (good for sales) by boasting that NATO has squared up to Putin, rather than the East and West just going through their usual sabre rattling routine.  The doctors get a look in, which is nice as they tend to get nothing but shit from the tabloids, as does The Great British Bake Off, which is obviously more important than anything else going on at the moment.  Even The Mirror gives us a piece on Michael bloody Barrymore!  Cutting edge, folks.

So thank lumme we have The Expressisabigpileofshit to blather pointless bullshit about the EU.  Today’s fiction concerns some spod in the World Trade Organisation mumbling into his pint about a ‘fast exit’.  This crap has been reported by The Expresssmellsofwee since they first heard of Brexit, so as usual it’s no news gussied up to look as though they have an exclusive.  Fuck off, Richard Desmond, you sad, wanking tramp.

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One point for Brexit Bullshit.  Repetition wins again.

Khunt Papers:

Express:             98

The Mail:           59

The Sun:            33

The Telegraph:  27

The Times:         8

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-migrant:  62

Anti-EU:          61

Tory Wank:     25

Brexit Bullshit:   24

Jingoistic Bullshit:      22

Racism:           10

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Public Service Horror     6

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Terrified:    3

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

We start today’s rampant carnival of comedy testicles with our old favourites, The Mule, and just for a change today’s bucket of bile is having another pop at the NHS for being underfunded and understaffed due to lack of government investment, not that you’ll read anything of the like in the paper, of course.  They’re just fixated with ploughing the field of Cunt Towers as Paul Dacre fills up his life flask with the bitter hate of his Brexit voting readers.

As it turns out, three of the four maternity wards where there is no after-hours consultancy are Labour controlled, and once again you won’t read any of those pesky ‘facts’ about the Labour wards being in more deprived areas and thus having their resources spread more thinly due to Osborne’s original austerity cuts imposed on the councils or nowt like that, because The Mule is a big wank of cheesy helmets and Paul Dacre is Satan’s clagnut.

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But not as Satan-y Clagnutty as Richard Desmond, who is King Helmet of The Cheesy Clagnut Empire!  In today’s whacky comedy right wing spoof-a-rama the Expressisabigpileofshit blather inconsequential shit n’ lies about cracking down on Foreign Aid because it just gives foreign types the wrong idea that they don’t have to eat one biscuit a year and bathe in water made out of botulism.

The actual story is a rather dry piece about the monitoring of the redistribution of foreign aid, but that doesn’t stop The Express adjective machine from chucking in hyperbole about ‘vast sums of taxpayers money’, ‘undeserving foreign aid projects’ and ‘Richard Desmond sucks the cheesy helmet of our Lord Satan.’

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So, the distribution of Cunt Points to Cunt Subjects from Cunt Papers is thus:

  1. Daily Mule – Public Service Horror
  2. Expressisabigpileofshit – Tory Wank

Khunt Papers:

Express:             97

The Mail:           59

The Sun:            33

The Telegraph:  27

The Times:         8

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-migrant:  62

Anti-EU:          61

Tory Wank:     25

Brexit Bullshit:   23

Jingoistic Bullshit:      22

Racism:           10

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Public Service Horror     6

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Terrified:    3

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

Ruddy hellers!  Not content enough that the poor buggers in Calais have been turfed out of their temporary homes with brute force and plenty of violence, the tabloids then have to up the ante by having another go at them!  It’s as though they’ve decided they want to go Full Bastard, and fuck the humanitarian issues.

Mind you, not that The Mule would ever give a tinker’s helmet for humanitarian issues.  In today’s fun packed chucklesome laugh-in the paper that Satan Would Use To Wipe His Arse On blather in outrage that you, the British taxpayer, will have to stump up some of the bill for sending the French plod in to kick the shit out of women and children.  (“Ooh, but Prof Khunt, there were lads there as well throwing rocks and causing violence, so it wasn’t all wimmin and kids!”  Fuck off, you witless ends of a diseased cockroache’s bell.  Some of these poor fuckers have put with unimaginable hell to even get there, only to be treated like scum by the authorities and the press, so suck many earth balls you feckless pricks).

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The Expressisabigpileofshit ramp up the fear factor that removing the Calais camp won’t be the end to the migrant crises.  Christ, the editor should get a fucking Nobel prize for Stating the Shitting Obvious.   Breaking up the camp was never the solution, you gibbering, spinny eyed loons.  Why not try dealing with the problem in a practical, humanitarian manner?  (“Ooh, but Prof Khunt, that would cost money, and how do we know which ones are real refugees and not economic migrants and terrorists, and I voted UKIP and for Brexit and I like flushing my head down the toilet because I’m a huge brown skidmark on the shreddies on humanity.”  Once again, fuck off.)

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We’ll have two points for the Anti-Migrant bullshit the UKs leading shit tickets.  As we can see, the anti-migrant rhetoric of these bastards has now overtaken the anti-EU rhetoric.  What a great country to live in, if you’re a cunt.

Khunt Papers:

Express:             96

The Mail:           58

The Sun:            33

The Telegraph:  27

The Times:         8

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-migrant:  62

Anti-EU:          61

Tory Wank:     24

Brexit Bullshit:   23

Jingoistic Bullshit:      22

Racism:           10

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Public Service Horror     5

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Terrified:    3

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

After a few days respite the KC is back, and what a bumper crop of testicles we have lined up for you today.

The Scum, in their typically laid back way, wants us all to start shitting our pants RIGHT NOW because teenagers are out there plotting to blow our gonads back into next week.  Apparently a kid with learning difficulties acted like a typically twattish teen and was promptly tasered and arrested for being an annoying scrote.  At this rate they’ll be gassing every bastard under 20.  Since then the plod have discovered the suspect device was ‘not viable’ (which means it was probably a fucking transistor radio or something) but since they can’t admit they over-reacted, screwed up, or otherwise made a pig’s ear out of this debacle they’re holding him for another 6 days so they can fit him up with whatever unsolved cases they have stretching back to the Brink’s Mat robbery.  Expect The Scum to toady up their headlines accordingly.

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In other news The Mail print their usual shit.  Now, the headline itself isn’t particularly cuntish, merely stating that things are going tits up in the Calais clear-out.  However, the sub-headline in the top right, stating ‘French police say British anarchists are “whipping up trouble”’ does tread on the ‘cuntish’ scale.  The organisation protesting the Calais bunfight are actually a group called ‘No Borders’ who aren’t UK based but an international organisation.  “But, Prof,” I hear you cry, “why has that made your ‘Cunt Corner’ listing when it’s merely reporting what the French plod said?  Surely it’s just reportage?”  And you’d be right.  But whilst researching this article on The Mule website I noticed they had a whole section called ‘Brexit: Britain On The Rise’ which stank to the high heavens of right wing, flag waving pissy arse biscuits, so I just wanted to mention that.  Yes, The Brexit will cause Britain to rise, right to the top of the economic wank pile, you dozy bollocks!  Do these feckless cunts not realise the pound has dropped to its lowest value in 138 years, the fucking senseless bellends!?  Fuck them right up their knobby shit piss bastard bollocks!  And that’s swearing.

So, yeah, they don’t get a slot on today’s Corner, but it is worth mentioning what a pile of dozy toss the Mule is.

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Anyway, on to some proper cunts now, as The Expressisabigpileofshit give us ‘Migrant Madness’, which sounds like a whacky Channel Five sitcom about a group of refugees sharing a flat together in chortlesome Soho.  But instead it’s their usual tossy pile of cancerous cock munch, as they pull some bollocks statistic out of their arseholes to make it appear as though Dover is being swamped with Them Foreigns.  The stat actually comes from The Home Office, but since The Expresssoapytitwank is a racist pile of shit stained clagnuts from a scrofulous bigot’s manky old ringpiece you know it’s tainted with racism.  Well, not even tainted, come to think of it.  More screaming as loudly as possible whilst goose stepping under a picture of Thatcher and Hitler wanking each other off into Nigel Farage’s stupid upturned face.

You know, if I ever became famous I get the funny feeling the ring wing press may react with shock and outrage at these blog posts and use them against me.  Fuck ‘em.  Anyway, I am the fictional character Professor Khunt, so suck my balls, tabloid shits!

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Anyway, one point for Anti-Migrant from The Expresswankchickens and one point for Be Terrified for The Scum. 

Khunt Papers:

Express:             95

The Mail:           57

The Sun:            33

The Telegraph:  27

The Times:         8

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          61

Anti-migrant:  60

Tory Wank:     24

Brexit Bullshit:   23

Jingoistic Bullshit:      22

Racism:           10

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Public Service Horror     5

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Terrified:    3

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

They’re at it again.  Those ruddy migrants are coming over, seeking shelter, with the temerity to not even pixelate their own faces these days.  Appalling!  Back in my day you could tell who the foreign types because they all had blocky faces, were about 70 trying to pass as 12, and all turned out to not actually be migrants.

Yep, the tabloids have stuck their foot right up the Sewer of Lies this week with the revelation that the pixelated photos of Them Foreigns turned out to be taken in the wrong country and were actually interpreters rather than migrants.  Nice to see the tabloid doing that rigorous fact checking we all know and think they’re massive cunts for.

With this in mind The Daily Mule have dragged some spinny eyed old Labour coffin dodger out of the mists of time to rant about how all Them Foreigns should be subjected to age tests to see if they’re actually people and not space lizards.  Straw was a notoriously right wing massive load of old badger’s cocks back in the New Labour days and could be relied on to spout drivelling turds at every opportunity, and it’s nice to see that nothing has changed. Four eyed twat.

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The Expressisabigpileofshit still haven’t changed their tune, and resort to banging out the same old shit, snuffling around Theresa May’s old robot-pants drawer in the hope of getting a knighthood for Richard ‘Cunty Cock’ Desmond.  There’s actually nothing new to report, but The Expresssuckswank, being the paper that relentlessly printed endless stories about Princess Diana until even her corpse objected, knows a thing or two about flogging a dead horse.

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One for Anti-Migrant and one for Brexit Bullshit.

In tomorrow’s paper The Mail, the Sun or The Star print something fuckwitted whilst The Express print yet another piece of Brexit Bullshit because they have a very short attention span.  It’s rumoured that Richard Desmond actually forgets to drop his trousers every time he takes a shite, such is his lack of long term memory.

Khunt Papers:

Express:             95

The Mail:           57

The Sun:            33

The Telegraph:  27

The Times:         8

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Khunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          61

Anti-migrant:  59

Tory Wank:     24

Brexit Bullshit:   23

Jingoistic Bullshit:      22

Racism:           10

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Public Service Horror     5

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Terrified:    2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Khunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks