Archive for November, 2016

In a blatant bit of ‘don’t pay attention to the man behind the curtain’ ism The Daily Mail decide to flick the V’s at the Institute for Fiscal Studies – you know, them spods that deal with numbers and economics and all that malarkey – and shove their fingers in their ears whilst going ‘nyah nyah nyah, I can’t hear you’ at their claim that living standards are a bunch of shit caused by the last and current governments and the effect of the Brexit.  Paul Dacre and his band of turd snuffling sewer gimps would rather propagate a brimming bucket of diseased lying piss than face the fact that Brexit has caused a wobble in the economic infrastructure and the Tories are dead set on fucking the poor right up the marmite motorway.

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The Torygraph, also being toadying fucks of immaculate proportions, are hinting that anyone on benefits is obviously a slavering terrorist.  According to them the Paris attackers collected three thousand nicker from the UK tax payer.  I can’t find the story on their website but my Spidey-senses are telling me they’ve probably convoluted an elaborate web of bullshit to come to the conclusion that the benefits system funded the Paris terrorists, but then the Torygraph are shedding journos like Trump sheds morals so it’s probably been researched from Wino Bill down the local boozer.  “Yeah, it’s all facking true, y’know!  ISIS is funded by people on disability welfare!  I’ve just shit myself!”

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The Expressisabigpileofshit, because they are utter fucking arseholes, have dick splashed all over their front page that ‘Britain’s 32Bn Brexit Bonus’, which they say was forecast by the Office for Budget Responsibility, which is fucking funny as a luxury catalogue full of gilt edge dog turds, because only a few days ago the OBR was reporting that the UK would be 58 billion up plop creek with no paddle due to Brexit, but hey-ho, let’s not let facts get in the way of sucking on the mighty cock of Brexit Bullshit.

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Feckless arse monkeys like The Express and The Mail really are living in a world made of bimbling twats as they seek to publicize their own personal issues over FUCKING FACTS!  Fact one is the pound went into a shit storm of a slide when Brexit was announced, and then partially recovered.  This caused bellends like Paul Dacre and Richard Desmond to spunk a big one over the fact that we weren’t all stomping about in biker gangs and fighting for oil.  Then it went into another massive slide into plop city when the hard Brexit was announced, and then – because it couldn’t fucking plunge any further – it recovered, thus causing the right wing press to slap it’s own balls over their own faces in delight and claim victory for Nigel Farage’s tiny, diseased cock.  All based on lies and bullshit.

Anyway, points today are:

2 – Brexit Bullshit (Mule, Expresscuntywankballs)

1 – Public Service Horror – The Torywank

Cunt Papers:

Express:             110

The Mail:           64

The Sun:            35

The Telegraph:  28

The Times:         10

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Cuntegorys:

Anti-EU:          64

Anti-migrant:  63

Brexit Bullshit:   35

Tory Wank:     26

Jingoistic Bullshit:      23

Racism:           12

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Public Service Horror     8

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Terrified:    4

Trump Wank:  2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Cunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

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No point in worrying about the future, everyone, because Little Philly Hammond has the wild horses of moneterism by the reigns and is teaching those suckers just who wears the Banking Trousers around his gaff.

The Brexit Bullshit Bandwagon has ramped up the speed and is spewing fallacious bullshit out a dime a dozen.  If the right wing press is to be believed Phillip Hammond shits gold and farts financial security, such is his talismanic ways with the coin of the realm.  Of course, those lefty fuckers are casting doubt on his ability to dickpunch the markets into shape with his wily ways, but what else would you expect from those kaftan wearing hippies!

First up we have The Times, doing their bit for the Murdoch empire by getting fully behind a flailing Hammond as he ‘builds for Brexit’.  To be fair they do mention the 58 billion black hole in borrowing, but the overall message is ‘Hang on to your testicles, England, because The Tories have got this one in the bag’.

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The Mule, on the other hand, go cunt-tastic today as they take a swipe at anyone who tries to put a bit of logical analysis onto the usual ‘promise the world but deliver a big bucket of rotting cocks’ bullshit the Chancellor always farts out in these circumstances.  ‘The elite’ they say – whoever the fuck the elite is?  Probably those ‘metropolitan elite’ they’re always wanking on about, despite the fact that every cunt who writes for this shit ticket is part of the metropolitan elite.  Still, no matter.  Apparently them elitists said Brexit would ‘spell disaster’ for the country, but ‘an upbeat Chancellor’ (well, he’s hardly going to turn up unwashed, with his shirt hanging out, with three days beard stubble, clutching a bottle of vodka and a dogend and then start crying at the lectern) predicts growth for the next five years.  OF COURSE HE’S GOING TO FUCKING SAY THAT, YOU WITLESS BELLENDS!  “I’ve looked at the forecast and the current figures, the stagnant economy and the mountain of trade tariffs coming up, and quite frankly we’re all totally shafted.  Fuck you, paups – I’m off to Barbados!”

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Also, ‘So Much For Mr Gloomy!’  What is he, five fucking years old?  This is the sort of condescending piss we’ve come to expect from the right wing tabloids and the way they treat their readership.  Knowing a cunt who DOES read this barrel of monkey wank and believes what they write I can only hazard that maybe they’re not being condescending enough.  In tomorrow’s issue they’re giving away a free rattle.

Anyway, The Expressisabigpileogshit back to Dacre’s wibbling shit machine by claiming that the EU is match fit for the Brexit, because some cunt who’s payed to said how great the economy is is now telling us the economy is great.  You arseholes.

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So, we have a solid three points for Brexit Bullshit. 

Cunt Papers:

Express:             110

The Mail:           64

The Sun:            35

The Telegraph:  28

The Times:         10

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Cuntegorys:

Anti-EU:          64

Anti-migrant:  63

Brexit Bullshit:   35

Tory Wank:     26

Jingoistic Bullshit:      23

Racism:           12

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Public Service Horror     8

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Terrified:    4

Trump Wank:  2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Cunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

A bumper crop of big old bollocks today as one of the broadsheets decides to heave its oar into the Robot May From the Future Sent To Kill John Connor ring by waving the flag for Hammond’s billion squillion kajillion pounds for all the poor people in the UK.  As per usual they fail to mention in the splash that it’s to be stretched out over 5 years and only comes into force after the next election, but fuck those facts when you’ve got May’s metal arse to crawl up.

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We now have the a new Khategory, or as they’re now called – ‘Cuntegory’, because I’m clever like that.  Any headline by one of the right wing scumbag bollocks shit bucket newspapers (as you can see, I’m being very non-partisan here) which mentions Trump WITHOUT referring to him as a diseased homunculus cat-haired tiny handed white supremacist fuck bucket of big clanking mechanical testicles gets an immediate spot in the Trump Wank Cuntegory.

So, first up, we have The Mule, genuflecting like the diseased, toadying little shits we all know them to be as they report on the ‘extraordinary bid’ by Mad Bastard Trump to get Frog Faced McCuntyballs Farage to be ambassador for sucking his tiny wang for the UK.  Why turning down this dribbling little shit of a human being from any post with responsibilities is ‘a farce’ is anyone’s guess, but since Paul Dacre is a sewer dwelling rat faced toss basket of dead puppies scrotal warts I can only assume it’s because the cunt is lacking in any common sense whatsoever.  Which, since he runs The Mule, is a given.

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Next up The Expressisabigpileofshit actually seems muted in comparison to Dacre’s Big Bag of Turds as they report on the same story.  It reports (or rather, ‘blathers incontinently’) that Farage is ‘locked in a row’ over the issue, whereas the reality is there is no issue.  Robot May From the Future Sent To Kill John Connor has told him to sling his gurning twat of a face right up Ringpiece Central because they don’t want any gimpy badger’s bellend fucking up what little relationship The UK and the US have, now both countries appear to have gibbering loons in charge, so Farage has gone on a big teenage strop and said he hates May and she smells of wee.  Suck it, Farage, you utter cunt!

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Anyway, points are:

Tony Wank: 1 (Torygraph)

Trump Wank: 2 (The two Daily Cunts)

Cunt Papers:

Express:             109

The Mail:           63

The Sun:            35

The Telegraph:  28

The Times:         9

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Cuntegorys:

Anti-EU:          64

Anti-migrant:  63

Brexit Bullshit:   32

Tory Wank:     26

Jingoistic Bullshit:      23

Racism:           12

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Public Service Horror     8

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Terrified:    4

Trump Wank:  2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Cunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

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How Trump sees the speech by Hamilton cast member Brandon Victor Dixon, yesterday

 

Some interesting news straight from the pipeline as Trump decides to do a big jobbie on the Trans-Pacific Partnership deal, which would give corporations the right to sue countries which introduced labour practices which proved unfavourable to EnormoCorp.  The TTP deal was negotiated behind closed doors in the interests of global trade and seemed dead set on stamping a big boot over smaller countries, which would inevitably suffer from the major trading federations running the show.  The fear was that the TTP deal would give Paup Stomper Inc. carte blanch to run rampant over any labour laws which restricted the company’s right to make enormous amounts of money which doing a big cak over the heads of the workers.

Does this move towards protectionism for the American worker make Donald Trump the new Troskyist leftie, or is he doing it to favour his own financial interests?  Time will tell.

What we can be certain about is that Donald Trump loves his right wing nut cases.  Not only has he appointed a couple of frothing right wing spinny eyed tub thumpers into his administration but his latest signing – Jeff Sessions – has allegations of racist language dogging his past and was a Fan Of The Klan until he found out they smoked pot.  Trumpy the Elephant also believes that gibbering frog faced chud monkey Farage would make an ideal ambassador for the UK, since he’s full of shit and speaks whatever bloated testicles is bouncing around in the cavernous shell where his brain should be, and thus Donny can identify with his social politics.

The most telling aspect of his administration so far has been his reaction to Mike Pence getting a lecture about democracy from one of the cast of the musical Hamilton.  The speech, given by the actor Brandon Victor Dixon, was a reasonably mild affair which can be summerised as ‘remember not to be a massive bastard in office’, but Trumpy has gone straight into a presidential strop, thrown everyone’s toys out of the pram, and has taken to tweeting daily about how Hamilton is over-rated, should be protested against, and everyone in the cast smells of wee.

In other ‘Eh?  What?’ news Trump has also made plans to cut down on lobbying by government employees, which can only be a good thing, but then he’s also going to cancel environmental restrictions created by Obama.  Now, call me cynical, but somehow I don’t reckon the clampdown on government officials cosying up to big business is really going to be enforced, since Trumpy the Elephant IS essentially big business.  We’ve already heard about how his family has used the presidential campaign to push their own tat, so what are the chances of this hoofing great bucket of jizz stained biscuits actually turning down a few ‘endorsements’ from Global Bastards Inc.?

Integrity is not the guiding principle of the Trump administration.  And the fuckers aren’t even in power yet!

Predictably the last two days have seen a welter of shite from our old friends The Daily Express.  But is it interesting shite, or just shite in general?

Veteran readers of this sharp and incisive column will know its massive shite of indescribable bollocks, as The Expressisabigpileofshit pile on the testicles about Brexit.

Monday sees them flog that dead horse just one more time in their urge for a rapid exit from the EU.  It wanks on about a ‘new push’ but it’s basically 70 Eurosceptic MPs who want the exit, as they like the pain and nanny isn’t around to shove a pineapple up their arses.  Since a swift exit would mean fuck all trade deals or negotiations we can presume they want the UK to turn into an easy target for Honest Ron’s Global Dog Fighting and Trade Deals Emporium.

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Tuesday sees The Expresswankpiss curl into a ball and sob for Matron as they shake their tiny fists at Robot May From the Future as she hints they might actually try and work some trade deals out first before fucking off into oblivion.  I imagine the angry people they speak of are probably the same 70 pineapple fixated MPs they reported on yesterday.

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Two points for Brexit Bullshit.

Cunt Papers:

Express:             109

The Mail:           63

The Sun:            35

The Telegraph:  28

The Times:         9

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Cunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          64

Anti-migrant:  63

Brexit Bullshit:   32

Tory Wank:     25

Jingoistic Bullshit:      23

Racism:           12

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Public Service Horror     8

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Terrified:    4

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Cunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

A few weeks ago it was the NHS which was tearing this country apart, according to The Mule.  Doctor’s were knocking off patients and spending all their free time on the golf courses whilst middle class paups were rotting in their beds.  Their latest crusade is now The Prisons, where every lag has his own butler, gets served roast dodo for breakfast, and gets a free holiday to the moon every weekend.  It’s political correctness gorn maaaad, I tells ya!

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For once it looked as though The Expressisabigpileofshit wouldn’t make The Corner.  At first glance their headline looks like a big, shaky fist at the energy companies for ripping off Mr. and Mrs. Average, but a closer look reveals a mighty bubbling cauldron of bollocks, as ‘Greedy suppliers blame EU exit for putting up prices’.  There then follows some cock about industry advisors warning energy companies not to put their prices up because of Brexit.  Underlying story is, since we get a lot of our energy from overseas we’re going to have to pay more for it because of trade tariffs, and The Expresssuckscocksinhell don’t want you to blame Brexit for fucking that up as well.  Even bigger underlying story is energy companies have been money grabbing ends of a badger’s bell for decades, so no change there.  Even BIGGER underlying story is that The Expressarebigsmellywanks don’t quote any sources, as usual, so they can fuck off.  Hire some fucking journos, you malingering pricks!  Even BIGGER BIGGER news story is Richard Desmond is a diseased, wrinkled penis of a sewer rat.

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, points today are:

  1. Uman Roights Gorn Mad – The Mule
  2. Brexit Bullshit – The Expressisplop

Cunt Papers:

Express:             107

The Mail:           63

The Sun:            35

The Telegraph:  28

The Times:         9

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Cunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          64

Anti-migrant:  63

Brexit Bullshit:   30

Tory Wank:     25

Jingoistic Bullshit:      23

Racism:           12

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Public Service Horror     8

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Terrified:    4

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Cunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

The Times makes an unwelcome return with a piece of rabble rousing testicles straight from Bullshit Central, as they throw their hands in the air and screech like a big girly twat at the headline ‘95% of new workers are foreign’.  What new workers?  Where are they working?  For what industry?  I’m sure the two columns of utter wank beneath the ‘shock horror’ headline outline the details into a more sensible framework, but just putting this donkey cock on the front page makes them utter cunts, and this makes them worthy of a place in Cunt Corner.

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The Mule, being the scrotey pile of fish bollocks that they are, slap on a bit of traditional old ‘Cor Lumme!  Jail’s like a cunting holiday!’ by printing some toss about jail being a big old party where the suicide rate isn’t going up, staff aren’t stretched to the max, and everyone gets to eat big steaks every day.  What an utter pile of witless cunt.  This is the sort of dribbling shit which leads some prick in Parliament to cut staff numbers even more and ban air from Wandsworth.  “Ooh, we need to punish because we’re punitive bucket fucks who piss on the paups.  What’s that?  Rupes has been caught fucking over the economy and not paying taxes?  Don’t worry – he can pay a nominal fine and then we can all piss off and fuck a dead pig!”  Witless cunts.

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Luckily The Expressisabiogpileofshit is there to sort out all our problems by reassuring us that ‘Britons want Total EU Exit’.  And just to make sure they’ve completely hopped on the cunt wagon, they assure us that ‘70% demand strict limits on migrants’.  That’s seventy percent of total cunts, mind, just to put it into perspective. And not all Britons want a total EU exit, Desmond, you fucking cunty shit wank bollock piss, so suck on my big, fat helmet, you toadying little spunk monkey.

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So, marks:

  • Racism – The Times
  • ‘Uman Roights Gorn Mad – The Mule
  • Brexit Bullshit – The Expresswankyballsbollocks

As a caveat, I know The Mule isn’t technically Uman Roights Gorn Mad, but I couldn’t be arsed to create another category line with ‘Tabloid Writes Cunt’ or else that would be the only category, so Uman Roights it shall be!

Cunt Papers:

Express:             107

The Mail:           63

The Sun:            35

The Telegraph:  28

The Times:         9

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Cunt Khategories:

Anti-EU:          64

Anti-migrant:  63

Brexit Bullshit:   30

Tory Wank:     25

Jingoistic Bullshit:      23

Racism:           12

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Public Service Horror     8

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Terrified:    4

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Cunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks