Archive for December, 2016

In the final post of 2016 the staff here at Sortitaht Towers (Helmet the French bulldog, Clagnuts the ferret and our editor, Jimmy Ballsfist) we thought it was about time to bring some festive cheer to the occasion.

Rest assured ‘Sortitaht’ will be back in the New Year will more jolly japes, chucklesome swears, and me calling Trump, Farage, the Tories – and just about everyone else – a cunt (even you, Corbyn, you tidy bearded twat – we play no partisan politics here, kids).  As well as the regular columns such as Cunt Corner and Dispatches From Trump’s Arse, we hope to bring The Shit Film Club, reporting on terrible films so you don’t have to see them (first up will be Aussie Park Boyz, which seems to consist of large Australians clutching their own bollocks in an effort to look mean) and, hopefully, if I can get off my fat arse to do it, a new comic strip called ‘Paups’.

On the other hand I may just decide to be a lazy twat and do fuck all, but we’ll see.  I get a regular readership of about 15 people (you know who are, so thanks for sticking with me), so why the fuck I’m bothering is beyond me.  Oh yeah, now I remember.  It’s because Nigel Farage, Ian Duncan Smith, Michael Gove, Gorge Osborne, David Cameron, Theresa May, Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, and all these other fucksticks from cockend central need to be called a cunt, and if I don’t say ‘cunt’ every half hour this Saw style trap comes up and snaps me bollocks off (or something – when do the pubs open, dammit!)

Anyway, with this in mind, welcome to the 2016 Sortitaht Christmas Cavalcade of Cockends Joke Book.  Fun for all the family!

 

Man A:  Knock Knock

Man B:  Who’s there?

Man A:  Nigel Farage!

Man B:  Fuck you, you cunt!

 

A man walks into a vets with his dog.  The vet picks it up, looks it over, and goes “I’m sorry, I’m going to have to put this down.”  The man ask, “Why?” and the vet says, “Because I’m Iain Duncan Smith and I’m an evil Tory slap headed cunt with a penis the size of the tiniest microbe who gets sexual pleasure out of watching the poor and disabled squirm in the gutter as I stamp on their stupid heads for being born without a big pile of money to rub on one’s testicles.”

 

Man A:  Knock Knock

Man B:  Who’s there?

Man A:  Donald Trump

Man B:  Fuck off you perma-tanned shit heeled cheesy old donkey’s helmet flakings, and take that scabrous bunch of disease infested right wing pig fucking verminous dick splashes you call a cabinet with you, you fucking boy-child sub-Nazi Ku Klan Klan promoting wank biscuit!

Man A:  Righto, then.

 

Man A:  How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Man B:  I don’t know.  How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Man A:  If it’s cunts like Trump or Boris Johnson, then probably fucking forever, for they have as much common sense as the clagnuts in my shreddies, and would probably try to a) fuck the light socket, b) sell the lightbulb in some sort of dodgy tax scam, or c) cry like small children because they couldn’t do it properly and then have a tantrum because they’re basically fucking clown shoes as human beings.  Fuck them.  Fuck them all.

Man B:  Blimey, The Pope, chill out, matey boy.

 

Man A:  Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of bridge.

Doctor:  What’s come over you?

Man A:  I don’t know, but with the current cuts instigated by the government there won’t be any money left for psychiatric care, and I’ll spiral into a whirlpool of depression which, due to Iain Duncan Smith being an absolute cunt, followed by Stephen Crabb being an absolute cunt, and now Damien Green being an absolute cunt, I shall get no help with whatsoever in my plight and end up in a pit of misery because this fucking piss felch of a government couldn’t give a monkey’s toss about the poor and the disabled, as they’re all over privileged shit buckets wallowing around in buckets of their own moneyed piss whilst the country fucks itself into the gutter on a gilt edged smorgasbord of jingoistic patriotism and narrow minded flag waving bollocks, pushed relentlessly by fucking shitbags like Paul Cunting Dacre and Richard Cunting Desmond, the diseased, warped little fuck holes from Satan’s winnet and clagnut scarred arseholes that they are.

Doctor:  I can always give you an aspirin instead.

 

Man A:  Knock knock

Man B:  Who’s there?

Man A:  Jeremy Corbyn.

Man B:  Jeremy Corbyn who?…  I said ‘Jeremy Corbyn who?’…  Where’s he gone?

And finally…

A man walked into an iron bar.  Ouch!  It was an iron bar welded by the state to crush the skulls of the oppressed.  Take THAT, Society!  (Thinks:  I’m sure I’ve done this joke before).

 

Have a merry Christmas, Sortitaht fans!  All fifteen of you.

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The World in 2017, once Trump gets through with it

 

2016 was a big pile of balls.

On the one hand we had the Brexit vote, propagated with an air of spinny eyed fascism and gibbering lies told by frog-faced morons and far right activists under the guise of being ‘one of the people’, and on the other hand we had a cretinous man-child sulking in the corner and keeping his football because, even though he was elected into the highest office known to cunts, it still didn’t stop people calling him a feckless right wing goose stepping shithead, puttering through the streets of New York on his monkey spunk moped, offering gifts of hatred and piss to everyone.

And 2017 already looks like it’s piling up to be an even bigger pile of verminous testicles than 2016.  For a start they’re going to try and cram through the Brexit vote without bothering with all these ‘negotiations’ which you apparently have to do to set up a  trade deal.  That fuckstick up a rope Trump is finally going to be coaxed into the White House, led to his inauguration by a man dangling shiny keys in front of his drooling, uncomprehending face, where country and western stars will sing about hanging Muslims to his childlike gibbering applause.  The spinny eyed loons of ISIS are being pushed into a smaller territory, which will no doubt lead to more terrorist acts being perpetrated throughout the world, which will then give the ultra-right an excuse to act like a cunt to everyone, and the war in Syria will plod relentlessly on, killing everyone whilst the west wrings it’s hands over a bucket of crocodile tears and Russia blows the living fuck out of every hospital it can lay it’s cluster bombs on.

In the UK Robot May From the Future Sent to Kill John Connor will continue to press for the Paup Fucker 2000 to be built, an ingenious device which closes it’s hearing apparatus to the cries of the needy and the dispossessed and chucks the poor fuckers into a meat mincer where they will be crapped out of the Shittertron 4000 to become Soylent Green for the food banks.  It’s not getting any better, kids.  Wages are stagnant, the economy is fucked right up the marmite motorway, despite the witterings of people paid to tell you that everything is okay, and our fourth estate in the form of The Mule and The Expressisabigpileofshit will carry on spewing out their forelock tugging toadying bollocks to people who don’t give a cunty great ballbag what a bunch of toss things have become, as long as they keep Them Foreigns out and are promised a return to the 1950s where everyone knew their place.

On the plus side, there will be even more swearing from Cunt Corner, which will return to its original name in the New Year.  Yeah, that’s right – there never was a Professor Khunt.  It was a ruse made up by me, Tarquington Dangleberry, Doctor of Swears.

Anyway, let’s cast our net over the previous year’s Cunt Corner.

It’s no surprise to find out that The ExpresswanksFarage is the Cuntiest Cunt Paper of the Cunt Year Cunt.  This past year has seen the Paper The Shits Bile From Its Wrinkled Tiny Diseased Cockend (as it’s known in Fleet Street) rise to the top of the quagmire with an endless series of front covers about how great Brexit is, how Farage is manly and butch, and how all migrants are evil and will steal your soul. We saw a late burst from The Mule as Paul Dacre took time off from sticking pineapples up his ring to concentrate on agreeing with the gibbering monkey child that is Richard Desmond that yes, Brexit was great, Boris Johnson was a great leader, and all migrants would scuttle around in your walls and take your children at night to sell them to swarthy types if you let them in.

Surprisingly The Scum came a poor third, concentrating most of their hate for the inside of the paper, followed closely by The Torygraph, who are shit.  The Times tried for editorial independence but fucked up simply by being a Murdoch paper, and The Star and The Metro came up on the rear (ooer, obviously), not even breaking into double figures as far as being a cunt was concerned, which surely must be a good thing, come to think of it.

Top topics were, obviously, anti-EU and anti-migrant headlines, with The ExpressRichardDesmondisacunt being particularly vociferous in it’s goose stepping hatred for all things foreign and it’s enthusiasm for bigging up the Brexit bullshit with a series of increasingly hysterical headlines about how we’ll all be living in a land of gold and unicorns once we’re out of the EU.  Their blatent disregard for ANY COMMON SENSE OR FACTS was the watchword of the year.  ‘Post-truth’, they called it.  I call it ‘Pro-cunt’.

Next year we can expect a lot more of the same, with the right wing really coming out of the woodwork once they realise they have nothing to fear from being bigoted wank stains on the shitted caks of society.  The only thing humanity can possibly do is brace itself against the onslaught of poo and fight back in the best way they can – through comedy swears on a blog!!  That’ll bring down the fascist pigs!  Theresa May is a robot!  Take THAT, Society!  Nigel Farage is a gibbering clown fool!  Have at you, fascists!  Donald Trump is a big bucket of wee and smells of poo!  Crumble before me, Bourgeoisie lickspittle!  Run and hide from the almighty crushing wit of my swearing!!

Keep your chin up, and let’s hope 2017 gives us something a little less cunty to smile about.

Only one this Monday morning as The Daily Mule gets angry about the misuse of foreign aid, with the implication that all foreign aid is mad and therefore we should be investing in gulags or something like that for when Paul Dacre joins forces with Trump and Robot May From the Future Sent to Kill John Connor and finally instigates the pogrom we all know their jack booted Little Englander readers are frothing at the mouth for.  I’m not saying they’re Nazi’s, I’m just hinting that maybe they like the colour brown when it comes to choosing a shirt to wear.  And exterminating ‘undesirables’, which in Daily Mule land is anyone not a pasty faced jingoistic Brexit supporting UKIPper.

Interesting fact – All Daily Mail readers are cunts.

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Points for this one go to Uman Roights Gorn Mad due the implication that foreign aid is wasted, rather than cherry picking the odd one out (with, I imagine, some heavily distorted facts or even outright lies) to prove their point.

Cunts.

Cunt Papers

Express:             116

The Mail:           70

The Sun:            36

The Telegraph:  30

The Times:         10

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Cuntegorys:

Anti-migrant:  65

Anti-EU:          64

Brexit Bullshit:   41

Tory Wank:     26

Jingoistic Bullshit:      23

Racism:           13

Public Service Horror     11

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   7

Hypocrisy!      6

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Afraid!:    6

Trump Wank:  2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Cunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

Only one AGAIN this morning.  What the hell is happening with these right wing brown shirted Brexit voting fuck pigs?  Gone, it seems, are the days where there would be many shit tickets flying the flag for the fascists.  Now we’re left with some piddling cock from The Mule about doctors.  Apparently they won’t see patients out of hours because The Mule ignored the facts.  It’s to do with pay and hours and is quite a serious matter, but fuck The Mule, because they suck winky dick with cheddar bellends.  Dacre, go fuck a perfect copy of yourself, but this one’s got a mousetrap up its ring.  Not that Dacre’s wrinkled helmet would be ever be big enough to fit between the atoms on a mouse trap.

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While I’m on it,  Richard Desmond is a diseased little shithead.  Just saying.

Anyway, points blah blah Public Service Horror, because Dacre sucks wrinkled dead pig’s dicks and loves it like the shadow of a man he is.

Cunt Papers

Express:             116

The Mail:           69

The Sun:            36

The Telegraph:  30

The Times:         10

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Cuntegorys:

Anti-migrant:  65

Anti-EU:          64

Brexit Bullshit:   41

Tory Wank:     26

Jingoistic Bullshit:      23

Racism:           13

Public Service Horror     11

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Afraid!:    6

Trump Wank:  2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Cunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

Only one today, but it’s back to our jolly old chortlesome chums The Expressisabigpileofshit.

“But, Professor Khunt,” I hear you cry.  “what could this paragon of journalistic wankness possibly be banging on about FUCKING ENDLESSLY again, what with all that other stuff going on in the world, like Aleppo and Trump nominating an Exxon bigwig with a past spent toadying  up to Putin as Secretary of State.  Surely, being journalists, their eye should be on breaking news of international importance, or even breaking news of national importance.  And Richard Desmond, as their owner, and Hugh Whitlow, as their editor, should surely be encouraging each and every one of them to go out into the world and break stories which will have an impact on the society around them, uncovering the corruption at the heart of business or government, say?”

Hah!  You naive twat!  For some reason known only to themselves they appear to be reporting on opinion rather than fact, with some spurious headline about halting EU migrants.  I have no idea why this should be, and ignore the rumours floating about that Desmond wants an gong in the New Year’s Honours List.

At this juncture I can say with my hand on my heart, that for only 10p, you certainly get what you pay for with this paper.

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Cunt Points, of course, go to Anti-migrant, as the emphasis is more on Them Foriegns than the EU, although it should be noted that Richard Desmond should be halted from running a newspaper, such is the quality of the diarrhettic twaddle the gimp faced disease on the end of a tramp’s warty old cheesy helmet prints.

Cunt Papers

Express:             116

The Mail:           68

The Sun:            36

The Telegraph:  30

The Times:         10

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Cuntegorys:

Anti-migrant:  65

Anti-EU:          64

Brexit Bullshit:   41

Tory Wank:     26

Jingoistic Bullshit:      23

Racism:           13

Public Service Horror     10

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Afraid!:    6

Trump Wank:  2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Cunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

Only one today, and for a change it’s not The Express, as The Daily Mule shakes it’s fist angrily at those ruddy workers who want to have a job AND be paid, the ruddy rob dogs!  The idea is that the government sack all the ticket staff on the trains so the drivers can take over the duties of sorting out cunts on the train whilst driving the bastard.  The union has told the Tories to suck their big, meaty trouser snakes, which is why they’re striking.  The Mule, being witless, sewer snuffling cunt monkeys, have decided this makes them ‘militant’.  The Daily Mail, as we know, is a big shit sandwich full of clagnuts made out of Paul Dacre’s malfunctioning microscopic penis.  FACT!

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And today’s point goes to The Mule and Public Service Horror.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the Mail is a paper edited by a cunt, written by cunts, and read by cunts.  Also FACT!

Cunt Papers:

Express:             115

The Mail:           68

The Sun:            36

The Telegraph:  30

The Times:         10

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Cuntegorys:

Anti-EU:          64

Anti-migrant:  64

Brexit Bullshit:   41

Tory Wank:     26

Jingoistic Bullshit:      23

Racism:           13

Public Service Horror     10

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Afraid!:    6

Trump Wank:  2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Cunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks

 

A bit thin on the ground this morning, and nothing really eye-rollingly barmy in the headline stakes, so we’ll start with a lovely piece from The Torygraph, filling us all with festive cheer with the news that the public sector want to eat your babies.  Yes, it’s true, everyone who works in the post office and for the rail companies are nothing but Satan incarnate for striking for more pay, and around Christmas as well.  Yah, boo, sucks, etc!

 _92944193_telegraph

The Scum, on the other hand, require us all to shit our pants this Christmas, with the news that (like every Christmas since 9/11, and in the times of The Troubles) the UK has been put on a terrorist alert this festive yuletide.  It also says ‘More gun cops for shoppers’, which I initially read as ‘More guns for shoppers’, thinking The Scum had suddenly gone all NRA on our bottoms, but no.  They’re just advocating more tooled up plod in our shopping centres ready to blast leaden death into some granny in a balaclava under the mistaken belief she’s toting a hand grenade for ISIS in her shopping bag.  It could happen!

_92943689_the-sun-front-page-13-12-16

Anyway, cunt points today for:

1 – Public Service Horror – The Torywank

2 – Be Afraid! – The Scum

Will all patrons please note that ‘Be Afraid!’ used to be called ‘Be Terrified’.  That is all.

Cunt Papers:

Express:             115

The Mail:           67

The Sun:            36

The Telegraph:  30

The Times:         10

The Star:             7

Metro:                6

Cuntegorys:

Anti-EU:          64

Anti-migrant:  64

Brexit Bullshit:   41

Tory Wank:     26

Jingoistic Bullshit:      23

Racism:           13

Sucking BoJo’s Wang:   9

Public Service Horror     9

Hypocrisy!      6

Uman Roights Gorn Mad!!   6

Anti-Labour:   5

Be Afraid!:    6

Trump Wank:  2

‘Elf ‘N’ Safety Gorn Mad!     2

The Sun Whines About Freedom of Speech Because It Can’t Get Its Own Way. What a Cunt 1

Jeremy ‘Massive’ Cunt is a Professor of Swears at the University of Bollocks