Archive for June, 2017

A double whammy today (again) as both The Mail and The Express enter the Mysterious Land of Bastards with more hyperbolic shite.

Let’s start with The Mule, who insist that Labour have gone completely tits up crazy ape bonkers now that Corby’s followed the old lefty rule of purging his party of anyone who thinks his beard makes him look like a twat (the real reason – forget all that ‘voting against my wishes’ rubbish).

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The left are well known for this kind of thing. Gordon Brown chucked out anyone who disagreed with him, and ended up with a bunch of yes men so he couldn’t ascertain to what degree he was fucking up, and the same could happen to Corbs.

However, what the Mule fail to take into consideration are the forces of discontent homing in on Theresa May, which have been gathering since she won the election and yet lost the election, but something tells me you’ll be hard pressed to find many stories along those lines inside the rag.

Nope, Dacre’s on the same ‘Fuck Labour’ kick he’s been on ever since Milliband won favour by calling them over the slander they heaped upon his dad, and he’s going to pout and whinge on his front pages until Corbs leaves or gets hoofed, which isn’t about to happen for a long time, so suck on it, Dacre!

The Express, on the other hand, have opted to talk up the bluddy Brexit, as per usual, with a crowing headline about the fact that a bunch of bastards have just voted to be utter bastards and go for the hard Brexit.

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But they can’t just let it end there. Nope, we get ‘thumping majority’ and ‘humiliating blow’ and all the usual crap, completely neglecting the fact that Corbs strong armed his apparatchiks into voting for the bastard in the first place, but then The Express do live in a fantasy land where May didn’t bribe the DUP to hop on her bandwagon to bollock-land.

Anyway, more of the same tomorrow, I’ll warrant.

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In a surprise moveThe Mail have decided to carry on their Daily Hate with a piece about Them Foreigns (again), this time banging on about a cleric who’s been popping in and out of the UK for 2 years before PC Plod decided to nab him (the Spanish ones, that is). The bit that’s ‘beyond satire’ is the idea that he’s using human rights – y’know, the law and everything – to stop from being sent back to Bloodyhellisstan, or wherever he’s from.

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From a factual point of view, Mr Hate Cleric holds a Belgian passport, so under EU rules he’s allowed to contest deportation. It might not be pretty, but there is a rule of law here, so Dacre has decided to shake his withered fist at the concept of the courts.

Not exactly sure where the ‘beyond satire’ bit comes in, but it seems to be a premise they’re running with at the moment, mainly to have a go at, oh, I dunno, the EU, justice, the law, etc – anything which he hopes he can stir up a bit of patriotic fervour with. If Dacre could manufacture impotent anger, he’d have the factories open and running already.

The Arsepress, on the other hand, have opted for that old stalwart, immigration, or to put it another way, yet another dig at The Foreigns (notice a theme with these two papers yet?) Based on nothing more than ‘fear’ (forget ‘facts’ – they’re for losers, man!) Desmond has decided to whip up his own brand of spinny-eyed hatred at the idea that people fleeing from terror are surging in their hoards and blah blah blah, etc etc, fuck off Express, you gimpy little scrote hawks.

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Fucking depressing, in more ways than one. I wonder if these bags of piss ever print anything which isn’t designed to put the fear of The Other into the hearts of their readers. Maybe a headline about a nice puppy, or something. Then again, they’d class it as HATE PUPPIES FLEE IN HOARDS TO UK!! STOP THESE EVIL, BIG EYED ORPHANED CUDDLE LUMPS NOW!!!

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And the Weak Suffer What They Must? By Yanis Varoufakis

This took about as long to read as City on Fire did, and that was 900 pages! One of the reasons why, despite only being 253 pages, is the sheer amount of detail crammed into the volume. It’s about the European Union and the crises over the Euro, but that’s only the flimsy gauze covering a massive rant about what a bunch of total bastards the Bundesbank are for letting Greece go down the crapper. Mind you, as finance minister, Yanis was told to his face that they were sticking the Greeks down the toilet as an example to the rest of the EU, so no wonder he’s pissed off.

Despite the urinal flushing by the French and German monetary system, Yanis is actually in favour of both the EU and the Euro – just not the way it’s being run at the moment. Currently there’s a system of binding laws which forbids debt relief for countries in the Euro suffering from a financial bollocking, except if you’re a favoured nation, in which case the laws can be bent and stretched. Yanis has the idea that we should keep the Euro, but instigate a more sensible system of debt relief, so nations which are going through a weak patch can be propped up by the stronger nations, and trade tariffs can be used to – eventually – level out the financial playing field so all the countries within the EU can be on an equal footing as regards imports and exports. He also believes there should be a central bank which can bail out countries which hit the skids. There might be a European Central Bank, but it’s about as much use as a no-armed man in a wanking contest, as it’s not allowed to offer a safety net.

All of which is good and true, but one thing he screws up on is his faith in the American financial system. I don’t presume to know as much about economics as Our Man Yanis, but I do know the lack of regulation in the US market, which bled to the UK market, was one of the factors responsible for bringing down the world-wide economy, but Yanis would like to stick the US financial system down his pants and jiggle about a bit, such is his star struck faith in the system. One look at Too Big To Fail (Andrew Ross Sorkin) or Inside Job (Charles Ferguson) will give you a wider picture as to why everything went tits up, and it wasn’t just down to the Euro being a bit shit. Yes, the whole economic system could be better organised and the markets used to prop up and encourage trade, and we can do without the series of punitive punishments currently inflicted on states like Greece and Ireland, but there was a concerted effort – mainly in the US – to bundle up quick-fit loans and flog them off to financial institutions in packages which were guaranteed to make money on the interest, with the idea that eventually someone – anyone – might pay the bastards off. The problem was, the markets panicked, and everyone started calling in their loans, and it all went up the creek.

It’s a lot more complicated than that, obviously, but basically a lot of greedy arseholes decided the gov would bail them out if everything went toilet-wise, and they were right. This, coupled with a poorly performing Euro due to the Bundesbank inflicting stringent rules on what should have been a flexible system, plus a failed yen, plus a shit load of toxic loans, led to the biggest arse fucking the world has ever seen, outside of a global war.

Yanis, on the other hand, is content to flick the V’s at the Germans and the French (financial system, not the people), and is hell bent on proving them to be a bunch of bastards. ‘And the Weak Suffer’ is great as a history regarding the formation of the EU and the Euro, but his genuflection to the US financial system is misguided, in this writer’s opinion.

Saying that, he’s the only finance minister to wear a leather jacket properly and ride a bike like it’s propping up his mighty balls, and for that reason alone he’s as cool as fuck.

The Mail continue their crusade to be a warty extrudence on the arse of humanity by coming up with one of their much repeated ‘Cor! Bluddy foreigners, eh?’ stories with the news that a judge refuses to deport a couple of Romanian criminals because of the inhumane conditions back in the Romanian jails. One of the crims is up for skipping bail on a burglary charge, and the other for growing cannabis.

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Now, because The Mail are a massive bunch of bastards, they’ve decided to use this (cough) ‘article’ (must stop coughing sarcastically before speech-marking ‘article’, when what I really should be doing is just going ‘The Mail have printed another article with is a massive load of old scrotey testicles and lies and hatred and a good example of everything that is wrong with journalism and with the world’, but that might take too long. Anyway, I digress) as another excuse to have a go at the European Court, public services in general (in this case, the law courts), and foreign types overall.

Apparently one of the crims has turned his life around since escaping to the UK, but that won’t wash with Dacre and his bevy of bastards. They want blood, and the piece ends on a light-hearted note saying 37,000 offenders have been kicked out of the UK so far this year. If only the same could happen to Dacre.

 

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The DUP, yesterday

 

Bribery and politics have always been cosy bedfellows, but the Tories have gone that extra mile with a public show of glad-handing-whilst-slipping-a-fiver-to-the-concierge, except in this case the fiver is a billion pounds and the concierge is a wibble-eyed bunch of creationist climate deniers, which should stand May in good stead when Trump gets his fat arse over to these shores.

Was this ever in doubt? Did we ever think May and her team of gimp-boys would strap on the Big-Boy negotiating pants and go wading into the quagmire that was political mediations with anything but a compromise on their hand? Of course not. The Tories are up plop creek without Paddle One and they’re clinging to whatever life-raft is thrown their way, and they couldn’t give a pint of Oliver’s Reed’s man-fat who the bastard holding onto the other end of the rope is, as long as they get their way.

It does seem a little galling that the bribery was so open. The DUP don’t even want to fuck around with abortion rights or teaching creationism in school as a negotiating tool – they just want a big pile of zlotys to rub over their nips. Basically, May and her band of merry arseholes have used a whopping great mountain of cash to buy 10 votes. Just 10! Incredible! The only concession the rubber-faced goon formerly known as David Cameron had to make to Cleggy and his lapdogs was to agree to a vote on proportional representation and have a bit of conflab about voting peers into the House of Lords, which no one really gave a Johnson’s Dignity about anyway. (Note: ‘Johnson’s Dignity’ is now the replacement for ‘Rat’s Knackers’, as both are small and twatty). May, on the other hand, had to flog the crown jewels to acquiesce to a bunch of Darwin deniers.

Corbyn’s no angel, and the question has to be asked about whether he would have capitulated to the Yahoos if the opportunity had been presented, and for that we’ll never know, but in a very real, and very factual way, Theresa May has declared that parliament is open for business, can be pressured, bullied, and bribed into stumping up for a new Scalextric (one a million miles long and made of gold, obviously) and will find some way – ANY WAY – to justify rolling over to have her tummy tickled to the sort of people you see talking to lamp posts and, quite possibly, smelling of wee.

On the other hand, considering the shenanigans that have been kicking the bollocks of politics lately, this is more or less par for the course. We’ve got a robot in power in the UK, a gibbering, yellow bellend in the White House, the rise of fascism in most of the countries where oxygen is popular, a financial system that continues to slam its cock in the fridge door rather than try and change the way it operates, and a society riven with hideous inequality, racism, fear of the outsider, small-minded jingoism, bullshit patriotism and – to make matters unbearable – more facking Transformers films on the horizon!

Stop the world! I want to get off! And then kick it in the nuts!

With the Express having shaken their hand angrily at the world and told it to get off its lawn, it’s decided to retire for today and print some old cobblers about statins and yak’s milk making your diabetes play the spoons or something – you know what they’re like. So, today, The Mule have taken over the top spot with another one of their rabble-rousing invectives against public services.

This time it’s the fault of the schools (well, one somewhere in Crawley, anyway), who are accused of sending out politically motivated tweets and e-mails reminding voters that the Tories are a bunch of gelatinous arse helmets (cf Oxford English Dictionary: ‘Arse Helmet: idiotic, cretinous, gibbering fool; see – Boris Johnson) and they should bluddy well go out and vote for a big pile of shit rather than cast their vote for those soul-sucking space bastards in the Conservative party! I’m being liberal with the truth here, of course, but then so are the facking Mail every time they print a story! Hah! Up yours, Dacre, you BASTARD!

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Anyway, fair enough to say the story is probably utter dangleplums, and in a couple of weeks’ time they’ll be forced to print an apology in another universe or concept of reality, and everyone will forget about it.

Richard Desmond has once more stepped closer to becoming Emperor Ring of the Star System Sphincter with this morning’s headline in The Arsepress which helpfully distorts the knotty nugget of facts into a bite sized portion of bollocks for their loyal readers.

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Yep, they’re back on The Migrants again, obviously having grown tired and weary of making up cak about the EU. This time, Desmond and his loyal band of limp, diseased sperm have made up some rubbish about ‘migrants getting caught every ten minutes’, which – even if were true – would mean as a collective whole rather than one popping up in the border controls headlights on a ten-minute basis.

If you actually read into the article, as I did (and I had to scour my eyeballs with Dettol afterwards just to un-smear it from the pure hell of reading anything these arse trumpets print) it reveals an even deeper level of shitehawk bigotry.

F’rinstance, dear reader(s), they state that ‘experts estimate Britain’s “clandestine” population of undeclared migrants is 1.2 million’. Which experts! What are they experts in? Or have they just pulled this figure out of the blue, as they always do, and pray their readers are stupid enough to believe this shit. (Answers on a postcard to R Desmond, The Express, Wankington Towers, London).

Another part of the (cough, cough) ‘report’, states that it is ‘believed “vulnerable children”… will be granted discretionary leave to remain’. Note the quote marks, thus hinting that they aren’t vulnerable, and all Arsepress readers should know these children are hulking great Uber-migrants come to marry the White Cliffs of Dover and steal all our jobs whilst being on the dole and instigating Sharia law in the nursery.

Luckily, I’ve found an article which works along the same lines as anything The Express print. And here it is:

Experts in spotting what a total bellend looks like have stated that every single Daily Express “reader” is a massive twat.

All total facts, of course, researched with the impeccable journalistic integrity we know from The Express.