A couple of good ones this morning, especially from The Scum, who appear to insist that the ghost of Diana has come back from the Great Beyond to curse vengeance upon Charles and Camilla. In actual fact, it’s just a couple of tapes where she’s noted as not being best pleased about her hubby at the time hoying it up Camilla, which is fair enough. The best part of it is the opening line ‘Royal experts say Princess Di has struck from beyond the grave’, which is just fucking mental! By ‘royal experts’ they obviously mean Wanking Phil from behind the skip who seems unusually obsessed with Diana’s corpse.
And speaking of mental, it’s up to The Arsepress to present one of their ‘not actually news’ news headline this morning, with the shock horror revelation that not being a lazy bastard in your twilight years is probably a good thing. I also find that not smoking 50 fags a day, drinking 8 litres of whisky and mainlining crack is also a good way to beat of Alzheimer’s. And death. I imagine tomorrow’s headline will be ‘Scientists prove not slamming nuts in fridge door will make gonads less painful’.
And finally, the young are scary – official. We know this become some crusty old, cob-web laden duffer from GCHQ has reminded all the coffin dodgers at The Telegraph that all them young’uns are using The Interweb, which Torygraph readers have no concept of and are thus a-feared of it, and the only way to save the country from rampant armies of zombie-eyed children attacking each other with emojis and spam-knives is to SHUT THE WHOLE THING DOWN!! Or at least restrict whipper-snappers from using it, as it’s destroying their brain and ability to listen to Val Doonican records. It will also ‘save the country’. In what capacity and how is not explained.
In tomorrow’s headline, why sticking kids up chimneys is good for the economy.