Apprentarse – The Interview Stage


Alan Sugar, yesterday


I’ve been avoiding The Apprentarse due to it being a pile of old cak, but now it’s The Interview stage, where we realise Bad People are Good, and Good People are Wank, and Alan Sugar is still a massive, dribbling cockend.

We get the usual panic-shots of people remembering how to write, and then cut to Bollockchops walk in, try to be serious without forgetting his lines. The rules are, the interviews have to be ABSOLUTRE CUNTS just to get a bit of TV Drama going. You know Claude is going to be a big slapheaded tosspot, and the rest will pull faces and say things like ‘that’s rubbish’. We see this.

Olive from on-the-buses fucks up ‘being efficient’ by forgetting what the fuck she was talking about. She wants to run an on-line florist. Spod In Jacket reads out online reviews of her being shite. Because, y’know, you can really trust online reviews.

Joanna meets Claude. He moans like an old woman with not enough cat food. She wants to run an office clothing thing.

Michaela – no idea what her bid is because we don’t get there.

Sarah wants to sell… stuff? Online events, maybe? Not sure. Should be paying attention, BUT THIS IS BORING!! Oh, looks like it’s sweets in a tub. With a bow. Fuck off.

James wants to run a – snore – IT recruitment company. He meets Claude. Claude rubs his knob over James’ head.

Michaela gets an arse kicking for not having – as per facking usual – done enough bloody research. Joanna also gets an arse-kicking, and so on and so forth. A blonder woman with a face like stretched plastic harangues her (because it’s TV). James gets suckered in by nice words by Bloke In Suit and GETS FUCKED OVER FOR LYING ABOUT SOME SHIT!! Take that, suit boy! Olive from On the Busses gets a drubbing, but she basically says ‘fuck off, plastic faced woman!’ BOSH! Sarah meets Claude, and he has a go at her for her performance over the series, rather than her business. Sounds like a bucket full of wank to me.


Fuck me, I wish I’d never bothered to review this bollocks. It just reminds me what a big pile of wank it is. Anyway, on with the show…

Plastic woman asks Olive if she looks simple. NO, YOU LOOK LIKE A BIG PLASTIC FREAK!!

Turns out Joanna wants to make a business where someone buys some clothes, and then someone in a third world country gets some clothes as well. For once, some facking altruism. Then again, this is what bloody Apprentarse does. It spends 10 weeks convincing you someone is a total shit through editing, and then – blimey o’crikey – they turn out to be lovely. Same old, same old.

Plastic-Face-Woman interviews James and it turns out he’s got some poor facker demoted. Wot a cant! He leaves weeping like a girl for being caught out.

At the moment, it could be anyone’s guess who gets through.

All the big bollocks get together and say ‘they were shit’ and then ‘they were good’ and then Mrs Brady, Old Lady pipes up with some scripted shit about ‘he’s not investing in you -your investing in him’ and etc.

All the candidates line up – ah fuck it, let’s just cut to the chase.

Joanna – fired
Olive From On the Busses – fired
Michaela – fired.

NEXT WEEK: Some more bollocks.


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