The Trump Clusterfudge


Trump’s next Communications Director


I was going to write a piece on how fat old men-children seem to be scurrying over the world of politics, their minds dappled with only the barest hint of political nous, blundering boorishly through the media and infecting what little validity the government machine had, but then Hope Hicks chucked in the towel and everything went Happy Hands.

Hope said to the press, “There are no words to adequately express my – AGH! NO!! MY FACE!! HE ATE MY FACE!!” before collapsing into a twitching mass of blubbering insanity. Just kidding!! She actually read from the standard rule book for resignations about how great Trump was, how much she’d learned, how definitely and completely huge his tackle was and she definitely had not been paid to say that. Weirdly enough, it happened the day after she was hauled in front of the House investigation into Russian collusion, but that’s surely a coincidence, and you’d be a fool to link the two.

So far, Trump has ejected/accepted the resignation of 18 peeps from his mighty army of goons. Here’s a brief recap, not including Hicks.

Michael T Flynn – resigned
Sean Spicer – resigned
Steve Bannon – dismissed
Tom Price – resigned
Reince Priebus – resigned
Katie Walsh – resigned
Michael Short – resigned
Sebastian Gorka – resigned
Michael Dubke – resigned
Anthony Scramucci – resigned
Walter Shaub – resigned
James Comey – fired
Preet Bharara – fired
Derek Harvey – fired
Andrew McCabe – resigned
Brenda Fitzgerald – resigned
Rob Porter – resigned

I may even have missed a few people off there. That’s a lot of bods to up-ship and scarper or meet the tiny, flailing fists of Trump in just over a year of his ducktatorship. If I was in that position and people were clambering out of the window to get away from my political stench – no matter what they said to the press – I’d be started to get paranoid.

But then Trump is not a man who suffers doubt. Or thought. In his mind he’s a kick-ass mofo who’ll leap – Neo style – into a room full of rabid gunmen and take them down with two AK’s firing at once. Probably some doves would fly past him as he did it as well.

I can imagine the process behind the firing and resignations. A bunch of suits get a whiff of the Big Job, come strolling along to the White House to fix the damn thing from the inside out and show Trump just what kind of take-charge person they are, only to faceplant into the world of hysterical incompetency where the staff spend most of their time running around with their arms in the air, trailing flying wads of paper behind them and screaming inconsolably. It’s like Dante’s Inferno, but for the stupid.

The post of White House Communications Director is now open, but it’s a pointless position. Trump does all his own communications, and anyone who replaces Hicks will find themselves fighting against a rising tide of bullshit and Truth-Speaking whatever contradictory bullshit the President sputters from his thought-arse. It’s a thankless task, and you’d be an idiot to take it up. But as the current presidency has shown us, idiots are not in short supply at the White House.


Trump’s Bellend-O-Meter Goes Up a Notch


rusty cogs
Trump’s brain at work


Yep, he did it. In a supreme act of Being An Arsehole (much like every other time), Trump has decided that the only way to put an end to high school massacres is not to ban weapons, but to arm teachers. This, as an opinion, sucks up to the balls of the NRA.

We all know Trump is thick as pigshit, despite what some Brexit supporting shitehole I met in the local pub said. Actually, the conversation is worth re-stating, as it showed a genius level of fact-ignoring. The scene: Blokey in pub, after extolling the virtues of why Brexit was genius, then segued into why Trump was the right person for the top job of running the States because “He had many businesses, which he made successful himself with his own cash, and they all worked out.” I pointed out that Trump was a massive anus of a failure, managing to fuck up casinos, which by their very nature are designed to make money, and he started out when he received a massive wadge of cash from his dad, and when challenged on the facts I quoted many sources which he could look up (too many books to count, New York Times, Mother Jones, Politico, etc). This was met with a blank expression as the rusty cogs in the man’s brain tried to come up with a suitable riposte, before simply stating, “That’s not true.” When challenged on what HIS sources were, there was some mumbled bullshit about ‘The Internet’ before he turned back to his pint.

Anyway, the God of Bellends has once again stuck his tiny finger into the mix in an attempt to – actually, fuck knows what it was an attempt to do. Maybe show the NRA that he’d still like to have their balls banging against his chin as long as they shucked a few coins his way. It carries on the witless bullshit that gun control enthusiasts espouse; that the only way to stop someone taking out a vast amount of people is to arm ANOTHER load of people with weapons and pick up the pieces afterwards.

Australia restricted guns after some massive shit hawk massacred 35 people in Tasmania. Since then – no massacres. Living proof that taking guns out of the hands of deranged psychopaths actually works. But the quivering milksops in the right-wing gun-nut lobby don’t appear to want to face this straight-forward fact, as it may inhibit their capacity to masturbate over weapons.

What is this basic misunderstanding of reality which so many of the right-wing endeavour to promote? Why do they continue to believe in a system which leaves so many people dead? Why do they endlessly fight against the mildest reform in the gun laws?

Yes, Trump said he’d ban bump-stocks for assault rifles, but that doesn’t do shit at the end of the day. Take the weapons away, and let people live, rather than hammering the same old “The only way to kill a killer is more armed killers” bullshit and face the grief that overwhelms the societies where this shit takes place in. Face the families of the victims. Stop verbally abusing the people who speak out against weapons. Face the fucking reality.

But reality is a scant benefit to people like Trump and his army of goons. That would require thought, consideration, and the crushing awareness that their ideology and policies kill. Stuck in their ivory mental towers, disengaged from the result of their actions, they will continue to promote this witless stand, because they are cretins.

The proper way to engage with these people should be through considered debate, but fuck that. Debate is beyond their perception, so maybe screaming in their faces might have to be another option, because fuck all else seems to be working.

A Confederacy of Trump is a Dick


Trump has never SEEN this book, let alone read it.


Trump’s been spinning The Wheel of Wank once more in his attempts to make reality as stupid as he is. The US Government went into shut down because the Republican majority wish to see their own lack of hope in the future imprinted on the rest of humanity when they introduced a bill into the government spending plan that kicked the Dreamers out of the country. It was a direct appeal to the racists who voted for their idiots, and the Democrats resisted as long as their spines would allow before folding, but only under the proviso that they get together over cocktails in the future to re-argue the case that undocumented child immigrants wouldn’t be given the hoof.

There’s argument over whether this was capitulation from the Democrats or an attempt to keep the argument open whilst keeping a working government on the go, but Donald Trump immediately took to Twatter to crow like a demented baboon. Most of it was pretty bog standard of the ‘they’ve finally seen sense in our bollocks’ type, but this was part of a melange of properly bonkers nuttiness. He posted about the Democrats ‘caving in’ and started blathering on about having a ‘big win’ for ‘DACA’. Considering his idea is to forcefully remove the people who would have been protected by DACA, it’s not much of a bloody win, you orange faced bellend.

Now the Republicans get their way, to a certain extent, and then Feb 8th comes around again and the Democrats realise they crawled into a nest of vipers and maybe even tell the sweaty shitehawk that no, this will not stand, and they will not be partisan to catapulting children out of the country just because Trump wants to curry favour with the KKK, and then the Gov. will shut down and we’ll get the whole damn circus once more, because it’s obvious to anyone who doesn’t have a dick for a brain that Trump is winging this shit as he goes along.

Although negotiators at the climb down have stated that Trump was not part of the deal and kept himself on the side of the frame, probably playing with a set of shiny keys and dribbling into his bib, her still wants credit. It’s sad to see this level of uncertainty hit the US, but then the same thing happened in 2013 when Obama tried to pass through affordable health care. That was led by Ted Cruz and the Heritage Foundation. And before that we have to go back to Clinton when he tried to push through Medicare. All of these were initiated by Republican majority senates. (Saying that, the next lot back in 1990 and the 80s were when Bush and Reagan were in control, so it’s sort of like a hobby for the US government).

The last three shut-downs were against compassionate causes, which makes me wonder if the Republicans just hate people. Or at least poor people, because that’s all they seem to do – put the boot into the people with the least.

This could run and run, folks. More insanity from the Tilt-a-Whirl that is the Trump clown school.

A Knobends Guide to Building a Wall


A wall, yesterday


Trump wants to build a wall. Chief of Staff Kelly says it won’t happen. Trump says Kelly smells of wee and he WILL build the wall. Whole world gets tired of the usual bollocks and watches TV.

Kelly’s like a stop-gap on Trump going completely crazy, but every time he steps in and tries to negotiate some relative sanity out of the orange faced twat, Trump then steps in because his tiny-dick of an ego has been punctured. Take ‘the wall’ issue. Kelly probably took him aside, had a quiet word in his shell-like, and reminded him that Mexico were not going to pay and he should stop dribbling on like a spinny-eyed bog-faced shitbag of wank about the whole bloody thing before Kelly took him into a dark room and respectfully kicked ten barrels of shit out of him. Trump agrees, because he has no mind of his own, and Kelly announces to certain influential bodies that Trump isn’t COMPLETELY mad, and has softened his position on the wall/killing puppies/fucking the desiccated corpses of your ancestors. The media speculate on Kelly’s influence, Trump’s ego goes into meltdown, and he issues a riposte saying he’s definitely going to build wall/kill puppies/fuck your ancestors.

It’s the sad, sorry tale of a man unfit for any office apart from one where he’s told to fuck off on an endless loop. A gibbering, senile man-child, tottering through his twilight years believing he’s a titan of history as he – on equal levels – scares the shit out of/bores the world. Who knows if the fucking wall will be built? They’ll probably chuck up a couple of sections, the money will run out, and Trump will rant and moan like the febrile little toss hawk he is. The mechanics of the issue are for science fiction stories. 2000AD predicted this shit years ago in Judge Dredd when the yellow haired megalomaniac Judge Cal went crazy nutty madcap and built a wall around Mega City One to protect it from the undesirables living in the Cursed Earth. That was made up. Trump has seen the pictures, thought it was a tops-super idea, and to salve the financial districts has predicted it would cost a bucket of shiny coins and nothing more whilst the contractors start rubbing their grubby little grief stained hands together as they up the price of concrete. Probably. (Note: We have no evidence Trump has ever read 2000AD. FAKE NEWS!! FAKE NEWS!! SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!)

A year in and this fucker of an issue has been bouncing around the political landscape since the greasy-palmed shite got into power, and it will trundle under like the heaving behemoth of bollocks it is, as it fills a couple of essential criterion where the media is concerned.
a) It shows Trump to be a massive racist tosser, and that’s always good for selling issues
b) It’s one of Trump personal issues – like Star Wars was for Reagan – so this fucker’s going to keep popping up dependent on when his addled mind can remember it.
c) The right-wing ball-bags love it because it’s a racist load of old wank, and the right wing love a bit of racism.
d) It’s just horribly insane enough and Trump is mind-bendingly thick enough to actually try and make this cock ferret happen.

Conclusion? I like chips in brown gravy. (Extra points if you can spot which Goon Show that’s from).
ACTUAL Conclusion: Trump is a moron.


Jump, The Orange Toad Said


Novelist Norman Mailer
Norman Mailer has returned to kick your arse


To think of Trump one has to imagine the unblinking eye of privilege. The average person has to understand that the money which flows through these veins is disproportionate to the wages of sin which pump through the factory floors of the world. A man who licences his name is a product and not a reality, but a series of images rendered characterless by their commercial nature. This is not a man who dips his toe into the world as others see it, but stays cocooned in his own version of the Universe.

This is why a goofball seems to be running the country. A Twitter screen made real; a beery opinion slurred over a pint just before the bartender throws it out; a stance knee deep in the crowd which demands some action, no matter what the action is, but action against something. He’s a graph of the stages of anger, but with a world theatre to push his ideas. Before the latest career move in the TV show he inhabits his propagation of opinion had been mainly within the US. Some minor contact outside the New World, but as a peripheral figure of fun. Now the figure of fun has some weight behind it, backed up by the public senate of angry media. He’s barking, and people are listening.

The angry dog can be ignored, but it can still bite if the chains aren’t wired tight, and Trump has been let loose. The Pitbull of John Kelly is not enough to keep the man in check, and the weight of his unsatisfied brood, those Pro-Trumpers for which their God can do no wrong, are there to cheerlead the rabid mania on. He swaggers like the bully who hasn’t felt the bite of rapped knuckles, and the elevation to high office has only breast-fed his cocoon.

There are borders fighting back. An angry mob who are yet to pray at the mantle of easy politics, but their voices are white noise against the life as Trump sees it, ready to be ignored and crushed, for when a person regards reality as a ghost – unproven beyond fallacy and hearsay, with no quantifiable facts – the President is wont to carve that reality in his own image. The battering at the gates can be dismissed as untruth, and the stalking child crushing sandcastles under his feet can plough on regardless.

We thought the nadir had been reached with Bush – a plutocrat with a golfing habit – but the tide swept in and drowned us all. Celebrity status brought weight and image-recognition, combined with the spite of the mob, and new paths were ploughed. This took years to accomplish, but the first signs stretch back to when the Tea Party ruled, and once their claws were hooked into the backs of their beneficiaries the stage was crowded. It took dark money to build the foundations for their cause, but the Folly reaches over the globe now.

The only hope is that sickness brings death to the ideal, and Trump will be defeated by reality, finally, even if, in his own mind, he’s always the winner. The flag of stuffed ballots and fake news will be his armour once the downfall hits, and the retreat will be public, if not believed by those who pull his chariot. The only question then is what angry distraction will be next to run for office and give the world nightmares.

Fake News Awards – Caught in a Spiral of Shite


Trump’s arch nemesis

Trump released his yawnsome ‘fake news’ awards last week because he’s a bellend. He trotted out some spurious bullshit about how the majority of the media (90%, by his estimates) were anti-Trump, which it quite possibly could be, considering he’s such a bucket of spasming jizz-dicks.

As far as I could make out, the awards were merely a series of digs at major news corporations, pointing out where they’d fucked up a story, or acted too soon, or published a story without checking the sources, and from what I can gather all the stories were retracted, with apologies printed, some resignations, some suspensions, etc. Basically, what a serious news organisation does. Nothing in there from the skidmarks of Brietbart. Nothing in there from the crusty arse biscuits of Fox News. Nothing in there from Bumlick Central (pick your right-wing media spot for this one – I’m going to say “Alex Jones’ Brain Crap” or whatever it’s called, but there’s fucking tons to choose from). The culprits were all mainstream and bi-partisan or left-leaning, and the stories were all anti-Trump, and it was entirely as predicted.

Which is good news, because it brings publicity to these sites. Any right-wing shit who sucks on Trump’s smeggy clagnuts in the first place isn’t going to go to CNN or The New York Times for their news. They’re going to root around Uncle Fuckbuckets Cross Burning and White Power website for their bullshit. They already have their ideology laid out on a plate for them, much like the right wing bellends in the UK have the Mail and the Express to remind them what a bunch of useless, thoughtless bunny dicks they are. People gravitate towards whatever shite appeals to their politics, and Trump’s lambasting of the media can only be a good thing.

There was a recent Vox article which opined that these awards were essentially bad, as they reminded the lumpen proles that media can be wrong and promoted the ideology that news was fake, but they were essentially missing the point that not everyone’s a brown-shirt wearing barrel of loose marbles. There are sensible people out there. If someone says, ”Hey, Donald Trump just called The Westington Bellend a load of old lies and sad bollocks fake news!” they’ll be a lot of people out there who’ll go “Fuck my old boots – I might just try and have a read of this fucker, and see what kind of groovy, funky news they’re actually reporting.” Before this whole Trump bollocks I’d only read The NYT a couple of times. Now I try and nab a copy at least once a week (but only the International edition – they don’t see the proper daily NYT in the UK – boo!!). Same with The New Yorker, Atlantic, and Mr. Bollocks Bag of Wank (well known UK anti-right-wing papes – honestly).

(On a side note, for anyone not in the UK reading this, the British political mags are fucking shite! Their either Tory-leaning right-wing funded cak like Standpoint or Total Politics, or Blairite piss rags like New Statesman. Utter wank. Even Private Eye is a bunch of rich boys sniffing haughtily at the proles, although they’re the best of the bad bunch.)

So, the Fake News awards are a definite bonus, and Trump is a definite knobend, and the right wing shits won’t pay attention to what they see as the enemy, and the promotion of anti-Trump literature can promote anti-Trump and borderline anti-Trump people to seek out this literature, so keep it up, Trump. The New York Times’ subscription figures rose tenfold after Trump slagged them off. Fuck fake news – this is good news.

Waahhh!! I Hate Foreigns – A discourse on immigration by Donald Trump


This iceberg is more intelligent than Donald Trump


Waaaaaaaahhhh!! Foreign people. They all live in mud huts and hunt dinosaurs!! Waaahhh!! Why can’t they be more like Norway, where Ah Hah come from and sing songs about things!? Waahhh!! Why can’t everyone stop saying I shit my pants and smear poo in my hair!!? Waaahh! I’m President, and I can do what I want!!

Hello. I am definitely Donald Trump and not a person brought on while they subdue the cunt and chuck him in the back of the van before transporting him to his happy place so he can play with teddy bears and TV and definitely tweet things in his real voice about ‘making America great’ and not ‘I pooped my pants and smeared it in my hair and everyone said I woz grate’. I am definitely Donald Trump.

When I said all the immigrants came from shithole countries, I meant ‘democratic republics within their own right’.

When I said people from Haiti all had Aids, I meant they all had ‘heads’.

I am definitely normal, and not mad.

Got that.

Not mad.

As a distraction – excuse me – sideshow – excuse me – democratic point, please turn your attention to the shiny keys. Aren’t they shiny. Yes, they are. Very shiny. Shiny like your shiny future. Now vote Trump.