What I Meant to Say Was “I Didn’t Rub Poo in My Hair” – Dispatches From Donald Trump’s Arse

stupid trump
I have run out of expletives for this man

As Donald Trump’s arse, I can honestly say that this is the best reverse-ferret the old git has done yet. It’s not even one of those cases where he sticks up for the invasion of Iraq a few years ago and then says “I woz dead against it, me old China” and then the press do a bit of research and found out he was on record saying the bombing of Iraq gave him a stiffy and they should go and bomb somewhere else just so he could get tumescent again. No, this was far better than that.

You just know if no one had said anything he’d have kept schtum and carried on giving Putin some of that sweet lovin’ he loves so much. (Fun Fact: Donald Trump’s hairpiece is actually his merkin that’s crawled up from his groin of its own accord to keep away from whatever diseased insanity that festers in his pants). But, since the Republicans finally found a voice and spoke out against the orange bastard, he’s suddenly realised that maybe flicking the V’s at the FBI and sucking up to a despotic regime was not the best call of his career. Then again, by the time you read this he’ll have probably reversed on the reverse-ferret and said Putin smells of flowers and the FBI are full of evil gnomes. You never quite know what the loopy bastard is going to say next.

On a side note, Channel Four news in the United Kingdom of Great Britain last night had a round table interview with some Trump supporters in Michigan, where – hold on to your boots here, folks, because you’re never going to believe this’un – they all said they didn’t care what Trump said because he was ace and they loved him and wanted his babies, which was hardly a fucking surprise considering their political leanings. First of all, the phrase that kept getting repeated was ‘the swamp’. This was in response to a number of questions about Trump being a numpty twat. It was all about how ‘the swamp’ just won’t accept a racist sex offender as their rightful President and how ‘the swamp’ doesn’t appreciate his mighty Knob of Truth. Second of all, why the fuck were Channel Four even bothering to hold the round-table in the first ruddy place, since it was obvious what the fuckers were going to say. “Yes, actually, I think Trump is a big bag of shite and I hate the bastard.” I don’t ruddy well think so!

What we have to take from this is that Trump is basically going crazy apeshit bonkers nutty madcap mental. He’s now regressed to the age of a small boy trying to lie his way out of the fact that he’s eaten all the choccies, despite chocolate being smeared all over his face. “What I meant to say was, ‘Putin is a bad man and I love the USA and despite me saying in categorical terms the EXACT OPPOSITE I’m going to hope all the critics take my bullshit as fact and don’t be nasty to me for being such a bad President that even Bush Junior looks like a fucking saint in comparison, and that cunt started a war! Quick, look over there! A cat playing a piano!”

The best bit about this is, in the future we’ll look back on this as the LEAST amount of lies in one day he’s said, because there’s plenty more to come. Aren’t we lucky.

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Brett Kavanaugh: A Step Back in Time – Dispatches From Donald Trump’s Arse

 

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Brett Kavanaugh crushes the balls of hope

 

Hello, you bastards! Donald Trump’s arse here, and I’d like to make a few comments about the new Supreme Cabinet appointee, Brett Kavanaugh, who has a bit of a history behind him when it comes to those pesky human rights.

Basically, everything you’d imagine a nutty bonkers right-winger getting behind this bastard has got behind, from slagging off net neutrality to hoofing the abortion laws over the high fence to doing a big shite all over worker’s rights to sucking on the big, meaty balls of religion. This fucker’s been there and saluted it in a slightly fascist manner, and Trump has shoved him right into the Supreme Court, because if there’s one thing the world needs right now it’s some spinny-eyed prick with his nutsack in the mouth of Trump encouraging the feckless orange dicksplash to be even more of a Madcap McBonkers than he already is, the satsuma coloured wanker.

The problem with a lot of these Supreme Court dicks is half of them remember the days when it was a legal obligation to own a slave, and now the emancipation proclamation has come in and ruined all their fun they’re going to take out all their frustrations on the citizens of the USA. Equal rights for women? Fuck off! We’re going to take away your rights to police your own bodies. Feeling a bit ill and don’t want to mortgage your balls so you can nab a couple of aspirin? Tough shit! We’re going to make plans to roll back the Affordable Care Act so the paups can end up dying in the gutter and leaving more room for golf courses for our Big Corpo mates. Think it might be a good idea to stop the mass pollution of the planet just so a bunch of rich arseholes can get even richer? Eat my knob off! We’re going to build a big ditch full of toxic shite and bury as many EPA rules into the bastard as we possibly can, because we’re the Republican right-wing, and we cak all over positive action for breakfast.

It used to be a case that one half of the Supreme Court was made up of sensible people who thought the right-wing were a bunch of gibbering morons and would do their best to flick the V’s at the bastards and call them smelly (in the pursuit of democracy, obviously) as they possibly could. The other half was made up of the sort of mad fuckers who think Trump is doing a great job and that he should be President for Life and what’s wrong with tooling up the kids in kindergarten and everyone ever who has ever spoken out against the NRA and school shootings is obviously a crises actor. Anthony Kennedy used to be on the Less Nutty Bastard side of things, but that’s all going to change now.

Strap yourself in for some top-notch chortlesome fascism, folks, because Trump is doing his best to change the very concept of democracy, and I should know as I shite out the burgers this arseholes shoves down his sound-hole. If Trump can keep sticking gibbons like this fucker into high-power positions then I can imagine we can all look forward to a country which may have detention camps – no, hold on, this has already happened with the immigrants.

In a way this is the logical conclusion to a world slowly going right-wing. Stack the courts with bastards and watch the civil liberties floating away so Trump can take over the world! It won’t be long before this prick proclaims himself King of the Universe and marries a horse and then we’ll all be up the shitter. Still, as long as there’s people willing to speak out against the gimlet shitehole then there might be hope.

In the meantime, let’s hope Kavanaugh doesn’t fuck the country over too much. As Donald Trump’s arse all I can do is watch the world go by, and every now and then crack off the occasional bumhole nerve gas to embarrass him when meeting dignitaries. Which reminds me, I’ve been saving up a right corker for when he meets the Queen…

Hail to My Fist by Chief Trump Strategist, Geezer McBosh

cole
Geezer McBosh contemplates foreign policy

 

I’m dahn the boozah a couple of years ago and this bloke comes up and goes, “Fackin’ ‘ell, Geezer, we’re tryin’ to stick some right orange cant into the White ‘Ouse we can rake in a ton of fackin’ moolah for our corporations and suchlike and so forth. We’re lookin’ for someone who can give this orange bellend a bit of a fackin’ unique take on ‘ow to deal with fings like, y’know, social issues and the press and foreign fackin’ policy an’ all that shite!”

So, I turns to this bloke and goes, “’Ow much you willing to pay me?” and he opens up a briefcase full of brownies and goes “This fackin’ much”, so I signs on the dotted line and the next fing you know they shoves me in a room with this fat orange bastard and tells me to teach him the ways of diplomatic manoeuvres, like. Bloke looks like he can’t open a tin of beans without ‘is fackin’ brain going into meltdown, but fack it – I’ve got a fistful of the Queen’s ‘ead burning a whole in me back pocket, so I tries, and now I am willing to impart my unique fackin’ knowledge to you lot.

Forget all that ‘if they go low, you go even lower’ bollocks for a start. Look at Trump. He couldn’t go any fackin’ lower, could ‘ee? Every time the stupid bastard opens his mouth it’s like a shit storm hits the fackin’ press. In his case, I advised him that when the critics go low, just ignore them and come up with a load of old bollocks. Know one’ll care. Just keep talking cak and the cants out in TV land will get so distracted by this endless old stream of utter cant that after while they’ll just glaze over and start accepting any old toss that gets shoved dahn their froats.

F’rinstance, just lately we’ve had Donald bangin’ on like a right wanker about how he’s goin’ to kick out all the immigrant kids because he feels like there isn’t enough fackin’ misery in the world, and then everyone in the universe jumps down the stupid cant’s neck because, let’s face it, that’s the sort of shite my grandparents fought against in the last fackin’ world war! Well, actually they were sellin’ hookey weapons to The Krays, but you gets the point. Anyway, I says to him, “For fack’s sake, you stupid cant! Now everyone finks you’re even more of a twat than they did in the first place! Best fing you can do is deny everyfing and blame it on someone else. That’s what I did when Knuckles O’Bastard fell down that lift shaft. Fackin’ filth couldn’t touch me!” And Trump looks at me a bit funny, like, and then suddenly twigs, and before you know it – bish, bash, wollop – he only goes and blames it on the fackin’ Democrats, even though everyone point out that there’s ACTUAL EVIDENCE of him comin’ up wiv the idea only two months previous! Genius!

Anyway, I’ve had to bow out now. Not that I’m worried nor nuffink, but he’s started smearin’ his own shit over the Oval Office walls, so I fought I’d do a runner before the cant sacks me. But just remember, to get anywhere in this world, you’ve got to lie like a cant, because if it works for the facker it’ll work for you. Toodle-pip!

I’m Totally the Best at Negotiating by Donald Trump’s Arse

 

laura
How Trump imagined the summit

 

Hi, folks. Donald Trump’s arse here (as ‘ass’ as we say in America, because I’m an American ass, and not some limey ‘arse’). Anyway, cor blimey, strike a light and no mistakin’, I’ve just come out of what is probably the best bit of negotiating anyone has ever done, where I even made some shit up just so Kim Jung-Thingy would look at me with those dreamy eyes of his.

We gazed into each other’s eyes across the table, and I said to him, “Kimmy, my love, what can I do for you?”

And he said, “Die, you imperialist, decadent dog of the West. You lick-spittle poodle of the military industrial complex! If you really want to see what kind of unit Old Kim keeps in his fighting trousers, you’d better stop all those military exercises in South Korea, or we will do a big shit on your stupid, orange head, mouse knob!”

His words were like manna from heaven as they caressed my huge, massive and completely top of the range heart. I knew he was just being coy, so I said to him, “Kimmy, honey bun, light of my life, the force that keeps me going through those long, lonely nights hiding from Ivanka when she’s got her bollock-kicking boots on and has decided to go crazy ape bonkers, thundering down the hallways and shouting ‘where is that tiny-handed bellend. I need to put a shine on the steel toecaps of these fuckers!’ – I’ll do whatever you want. But we need to give the world something more than this. We need to give them the impression that I’ve actually achieved something.”

So, Kimmy looked at me with those dreamy eyes which have killed off at least 7 members of his dictatorship and starved most of his country into subservience (what a guy), and said, “You’ll get nothing from me, man with the cock of a gnat! Wait, no, let us fool the world into believing I am not a maniac. Tell them I’ll de-nuclearize my shit or something. Make it up. I won’t care once you’ve pulled your troops out and the South can finally be mine! DEATH TO THE IMPERIALISTS!”

What a dreamboat. I said I’d do whatever he wanted as long as he held my hand and called me ‘Mr. Bulgy Trousers’, and he laughed a few times and then set the dogs on me. He’s so masterful.

Some of the press have been nasty in reminding me that previously I’ve had these love-ins with other world leaders, like Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macon, where we held hands and danced through the moonlight, although in Macron’s case he did try and crush my huge and massive hands in his tiny fists, and Trudeau did call me a ‘shitty stick on the arsehole of humanity’ (or something – I watched it on Fox), but they were never true, long-lasting loves, for the only despotic maniac for my heart – apart from myself – is the man I simply call ‘Premier Big Bollocks’, and he can dangle his love-plums on my chin any time he likes.

DOCTOR’S NOTE: Love-in with Kim is likely to change due to whether Trump’s had his bedtime num-nums or not.

My Guide to Diplomacy and Doing Things Right by Donald Trump

 

Devastated
A typical result of one of Trump’s ‘diplomatic moves’.

 

As you can see by the wonderful result we had in Jerusalem, I am the best ever at doing the negotiations which bring peace and harmony and everyone realising that America is great and I have large hands. My advisor said to me, “You know, this could cause people to riot and die,” and then I said to them, “They will only riot and die if they’re terrorists.” And then all the bad people rioted, and a few people died, but they were probably terrorists, or would grow up to be terrorists, or something else which means I’m not responsible for them dying.

Because I am the best at diplomacy and sorting things out, there is nothing I can do wrong. Look at North Korea. I did that. There are some fake news out there which says that North and South Korea had a back-channel dialogue going on before I came onto the scene, but they are all wrong and I sorted that out and I should get the Nobel Peace Prize because lots of bad presidents who existed before me tried to talk to what they saw as a mental, fat despot, but I looked at the North Korean leader, and all the glorious North Korean leaders before him, and it was like looking in a mirror, except I was sexier and with bigger hands. And yes, North Korea might actually pull out, but the fact still remains that I am great!

“Iran aren’t making nuclear arms,” my advisors told me, but I knew they were because I saw it on Fox News and Alex Jones’ Nutty McBugfuck Hour of Crazy Ass Shit on the Tin Foil Hat channel, who give the most honest news out there, when compared to something like CNN and that Jake Tapper fucker, who only say bad things about me and tell lies about Melania calling me ‘Fatty President Orange Testicles’ and refusing to touch Mr. Winky because I definitely did not pay someone else to completely not touch Mr. Winky. Anyway, Iran completely started making nukes for their underground volcano bases as soon as Obama turned his back, because they thought he was a WEAK president, whereas I am a strong President, and I totally showed those Iranians who was boss. “We’re going to FUCK YOU UP!” I said in an e-mail to Ayatollah Dickwad, or whatever his name was, and I could feel them cowering in total fear as I slapped my incredibly huge penis on the negotiating table and said, “Take THAT, terrorists!” And now Iran are too afraid to make nukes in case I go over there and dick-slap the country.

Anyway, these are just a few examples of how great my negotiating skills are, and as soon as the liberal media cucks understand this the quicker I can totally dominate the entire planet and become president of everything and prove to my critics that I’m not a sad mental patient because Doctor Shifty said I was totally fine and great and would probably live until I was a billion years old and all the ladies fancied me and I’m a thousand foot tall and nothing can kill me except reporters made of Kryptonite. I’M NOT MAD, YOU KNOW!!

The Trump Clusterfudge

 

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Trump’s next Communications Director

 

I was going to write a piece on how fat old men-children seem to be scurrying over the world of politics, their minds dappled with only the barest hint of political nous, blundering boorishly through the media and infecting what little validity the government machine had, but then Hope Hicks chucked in the towel and everything went Happy Hands.

Hope said to the press, “There are no words to adequately express my – AGH! NO!! MY FACE!! HE ATE MY FACE!!” before collapsing into a twitching mass of blubbering insanity. Just kidding!! She actually read from the standard rule book for resignations about how great Trump was, how much she’d learned, how definitely and completely huge his tackle was and she definitely had not been paid to say that. Weirdly enough, it happened the day after she was hauled in front of the House investigation into Russian collusion, but that’s surely a coincidence, and you’d be a fool to link the two.

So far, Trump has ejected/accepted the resignation of 18 peeps from his mighty army of goons. Here’s a brief recap, not including Hicks.

Michael T Flynn – resigned
Sean Spicer – resigned
Steve Bannon – dismissed
Tom Price – resigned
Reince Priebus – resigned
Katie Walsh – resigned
Michael Short – resigned
Sebastian Gorka – resigned
Michael Dubke – resigned
Anthony Scramucci – resigned
Walter Shaub – resigned
James Comey – fired
Preet Bharara – fired
Derek Harvey – fired
Andrew McCabe – resigned
Brenda Fitzgerald – resigned
Rob Porter – resigned

I may even have missed a few people off there. That’s a lot of bods to up-ship and scarper or meet the tiny, flailing fists of Trump in just over a year of his ducktatorship. If I was in that position and people were clambering out of the window to get away from my political stench – no matter what they said to the press – I’d be started to get paranoid.

But then Trump is not a man who suffers doubt. Or thought. In his mind he’s a kick-ass mofo who’ll leap – Neo style – into a room full of rabid gunmen and take them down with two AK’s firing at once. Probably some doves would fly past him as he did it as well.

I can imagine the process behind the firing and resignations. A bunch of suits get a whiff of the Big Job, come strolling along to the White House to fix the damn thing from the inside out and show Trump just what kind of take-charge person they are, only to faceplant into the world of hysterical incompetency where the staff spend most of their time running around with their arms in the air, trailing flying wads of paper behind them and screaming inconsolably. It’s like Dante’s Inferno, but for the stupid.

The post of White House Communications Director is now open, but it’s a pointless position. Trump does all his own communications, and anyone who replaces Hicks will find themselves fighting against a rising tide of bullshit and Truth-Speaking whatever contradictory bullshit the President sputters from his thought-arse. It’s a thankless task, and you’d be an idiot to take it up. But as the current presidency has shown us, idiots are not in short supply at the White House.

Trump’s Bellend-O-Meter Goes Up a Notch

 

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Trump’s brain at work

 

Yep, he did it. In a supreme act of Being An Arsehole (much like every other time), Trump has decided that the only way to put an end to high school massacres is not to ban weapons, but to arm teachers. This, as an opinion, sucks up to the balls of the NRA.

We all know Trump is thick as pigshit, despite what some Brexit supporting shitehole I met in the local pub said. Actually, the conversation is worth re-stating, as it showed a genius level of fact-ignoring. The scene: Blokey in pub, after extolling the virtues of why Brexit was genius, then segued into why Trump was the right person for the top job of running the States because “He had many businesses, which he made successful himself with his own cash, and they all worked out.” I pointed out that Trump was a massive anus of a failure, managing to fuck up casinos, which by their very nature are designed to make money, and he started out when he received a massive wadge of cash from his dad, and when challenged on the facts I quoted many sources which he could look up (too many books to count, New York Times, Mother Jones, Politico, etc). This was met with a blank expression as the rusty cogs in the man’s brain tried to come up with a suitable riposte, before simply stating, “That’s not true.” When challenged on what HIS sources were, there was some mumbled bullshit about ‘The Internet’ before he turned back to his pint.

Anyway, the God of Bellends has once again stuck his tiny finger into the mix in an attempt to – actually, fuck knows what it was an attempt to do. Maybe show the NRA that he’d still like to have their balls banging against his chin as long as they shucked a few coins his way. It carries on the witless bullshit that gun control enthusiasts espouse; that the only way to stop someone taking out a vast amount of people is to arm ANOTHER load of people with weapons and pick up the pieces afterwards.

Australia restricted guns after some massive shit hawk massacred 35 people in Tasmania. Since then – no massacres. Living proof that taking guns out of the hands of deranged psychopaths actually works. But the quivering milksops in the right-wing gun-nut lobby don’t appear to want to face this straight-forward fact, as it may inhibit their capacity to masturbate over weapons.

What is this basic misunderstanding of reality which so many of the right-wing endeavour to promote? Why do they continue to believe in a system which leaves so many people dead? Why do they endlessly fight against the mildest reform in the gun laws?

Yes, Trump said he’d ban bump-stocks for assault rifles, but that doesn’t do shit at the end of the day. Take the weapons away, and let people live, rather than hammering the same old “The only way to kill a killer is more armed killers” bullshit and face the grief that overwhelms the societies where this shit takes place in. Face the families of the victims. Stop verbally abusing the people who speak out against weapons. Face the fucking reality.

But reality is a scant benefit to people like Trump and his army of goons. That would require thought, consideration, and the crushing awareness that their ideology and policies kill. Stuck in their ivory mental towers, disengaged from the result of their actions, they will continue to promote this witless stand, because they are cretins.

The proper way to engage with these people should be through considered debate, but fuck that. Debate is beyond their perception, so maybe screaming in their faces might have to be another option, because fuck all else seems to be working.