What I Meant to Say Was “I Didn’t Rub Poo in My Hair” – Dispatches From Donald Trump’s Arse

stupid trump
I have run out of expletives for this man

As Donald Trump’s arse, I can honestly say that this is the best reverse-ferret the old git has done yet. It’s not even one of those cases where he sticks up for the invasion of Iraq a few years ago and then says “I woz dead against it, me old China” and then the press do a bit of research and found out he was on record saying the bombing of Iraq gave him a stiffy and they should go and bomb somewhere else just so he could get tumescent again. No, this was far better than that.

You just know if no one had said anything he’d have kept schtum and carried on giving Putin some of that sweet lovin’ he loves so much. (Fun Fact: Donald Trump’s hairpiece is actually his merkin that’s crawled up from his groin of its own accord to keep away from whatever diseased insanity that festers in his pants). But, since the Republicans finally found a voice and spoke out against the orange bastard, he’s suddenly realised that maybe flicking the V’s at the FBI and sucking up to a despotic regime was not the best call of his career. Then again, by the time you read this he’ll have probably reversed on the reverse-ferret and said Putin smells of flowers and the FBI are full of evil gnomes. You never quite know what the loopy bastard is going to say next.

On a side note, Channel Four news in the United Kingdom of Great Britain last night had a round table interview with some Trump supporters in Michigan, where – hold on to your boots here, folks, because you’re never going to believe this’un – they all said they didn’t care what Trump said because he was ace and they loved him and wanted his babies, which was hardly a fucking surprise considering their political leanings. First of all, the phrase that kept getting repeated was ‘the swamp’. This was in response to a number of questions about Trump being a numpty twat. It was all about how ‘the swamp’ just won’t accept a racist sex offender as their rightful President and how ‘the swamp’ doesn’t appreciate his mighty Knob of Truth. Second of all, why the fuck were Channel Four even bothering to hold the round-table in the first ruddy place, since it was obvious what the fuckers were going to say. “Yes, actually, I think Trump is a big bag of shite and I hate the bastard.” I don’t ruddy well think so!

What we have to take from this is that Trump is basically going crazy apeshit bonkers nutty madcap mental. He’s now regressed to the age of a small boy trying to lie his way out of the fact that he’s eaten all the choccies, despite chocolate being smeared all over his face. “What I meant to say was, ‘Putin is a bad man and I love the USA and despite me saying in categorical terms the EXACT OPPOSITE I’m going to hope all the critics take my bullshit as fact and don’t be nasty to me for being such a bad President that even Bush Junior looks like a fucking saint in comparison, and that cunt started a war! Quick, look over there! A cat playing a piano!”

The best bit about this is, in the future we’ll look back on this as the LEAST amount of lies in one day he’s said, because there’s plenty more to come. Aren’t we lucky.


The Brexiteers Have Finally Got Their Way

beach with old fogies
Who’d could possibly leave all this?

The Office of National Statistics have recorded a record number of EU citizens leaving the UK, whilst also reporting that the number of EU nationals coming to the UK has gone down. What does this say about the mood in the UK? Have the Brexiteers finally got what they want? Is Nigel Farage a cockend (Hint: yes).

We sent out roving reporters, Dick Splash and Banny Fatter, into the streets to collect the views of the Great British Public.

Tom Rottweiler – Clinical Depressive: Well, I fink it’s fackin’ great that we’ve fackin’ got rid of all them wankers who are not British. I dids one of thems geneolo-fackin’-gy studies the uvver day and when I sent my DN-fackin’-A sample off to the BNP labs to see HOW BRITISH I was it came back with the results that said I was DIRECTLY RELATED to Richard the Lionheart, which was a bit troubling as he was half French for a start, so I immediately stopped being a racist cant, joined the Lib Dems, and have now started campaigning for transgender rights. Funny how things turn out.

Shitty Ballsack – Queen Stalker: As a true, honest Englishman who loves – WAIT, IS THAT THE QUEEN OVER THERE?! No, sorry, my mistake – it’s a lamp post. Anyway, as a true, honest Englishman I regret that we have denigrated this great country by calling it The ‘United’ Kingdom. I’m afraid voting to leave the EU wasn’t good enough and we should have also split from Scotland, Northern Ireland, Wales and Cornwall. In fact, I have declared my front garden the only true England and – LOOK! OVER THERE! THE QUEEN! No, sorry again, it’s a wheelie bin with a tramp in it. Anyway, from now on, Ballsack Manors is the only proper piece of English land, and if the postman wants to deliver anything HE’D BETTER WELL NOT! He’s a foreign, y’know. Actually, come to think of it, he went back home overseas after the vote just because someone scrawled racist epithets all over his house. Funny what sets the foreigns off, isn’t it. Anyway, if you’ll excuse me, I must go back to slamming my nuts in this fridge door – THERE SHE IS! THE QUEEN! FOR DEFINATE – Nope, sorry, it’s just a marmoset riding a tricycle.

Dan Hippy – Jeremy Corbyn’s Codpiece Tester: I think it’s a bloody disgrace what’s happening to the country. It’s almost like a bloody advertisement for racists. By leaving the EU not only have we opened the door to Donald Trump and his racist brood of gutter shites to actually think we’re a great country because we’re horrible to immigrants, but we’ve more or less said to the whole world that we like a nice pair of jackboots and like to walk in line in a disciplined and military fashion whilst wearing small moustaches and pointing at the sun with all our fingers locked together in what is definitely not a Nazi salute. Hmmm, jackboots. Nice, clean, shiny jackboots. Anyway, we must stamp on the face of fascism forever, or risk turning into a country full of right-wing wankers who might vote for something stupid like leaving the European Union. Agh! Dammit! We already have! Bollocks! Time to go a flush my head down the toilet!

Donald Trump – Wanker: Wah! I shat my pants! Wah! The EU is the enemy of trade! Wah! I can’t believe I gave Merkel my last two sweets! Wah! I rub poo in my hair!

An exhaustive study. But what does it tell us about The Great British Public, other than a certain amount of them are mental? To quote Shakespeare, “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
But in ourselves, because WE’RE A BUNCH OF FACKING KNOBENDS!”

Wise words indeed.

Brett Kavanaugh: A Step Back in Time – Dispatches From Donald Trump’s Arse


brett kavanaugh
Brett Kavanaugh crushes the balls of hope


Hello, you bastards! Donald Trump’s arse here, and I’d like to make a few comments about the new Supreme Cabinet appointee, Brett Kavanaugh, who has a bit of a history behind him when it comes to those pesky human rights.

Basically, everything you’d imagine a nutty bonkers right-winger getting behind this bastard has got behind, from slagging off net neutrality to hoofing the abortion laws over the high fence to doing a big shite all over worker’s rights to sucking on the big, meaty balls of religion. This fucker’s been there and saluted it in a slightly fascist manner, and Trump has shoved him right into the Supreme Court, because if there’s one thing the world needs right now it’s some spinny-eyed prick with his nutsack in the mouth of Trump encouraging the feckless orange dicksplash to be even more of a Madcap McBonkers than he already is, the satsuma coloured wanker.

The problem with a lot of these Supreme Court dicks is half of them remember the days when it was a legal obligation to own a slave, and now the emancipation proclamation has come in and ruined all their fun they’re going to take out all their frustrations on the citizens of the USA. Equal rights for women? Fuck off! We’re going to take away your rights to police your own bodies. Feeling a bit ill and don’t want to mortgage your balls so you can nab a couple of aspirin? Tough shit! We’re going to make plans to roll back the Affordable Care Act so the paups can end up dying in the gutter and leaving more room for golf courses for our Big Corpo mates. Think it might be a good idea to stop the mass pollution of the planet just so a bunch of rich arseholes can get even richer? Eat my knob off! We’re going to build a big ditch full of toxic shite and bury as many EPA rules into the bastard as we possibly can, because we’re the Republican right-wing, and we cak all over positive action for breakfast.

It used to be a case that one half of the Supreme Court was made up of sensible people who thought the right-wing were a bunch of gibbering morons and would do their best to flick the V’s at the bastards and call them smelly (in the pursuit of democracy, obviously) as they possibly could. The other half was made up of the sort of mad fuckers who think Trump is doing a great job and that he should be President for Life and what’s wrong with tooling up the kids in kindergarten and everyone ever who has ever spoken out against the NRA and school shootings is obviously a crises actor. Anthony Kennedy used to be on the Less Nutty Bastard side of things, but that’s all going to change now.

Strap yourself in for some top-notch chortlesome fascism, folks, because Trump is doing his best to change the very concept of democracy, and I should know as I shite out the burgers this arseholes shoves down his sound-hole. If Trump can keep sticking gibbons like this fucker into high-power positions then I can imagine we can all look forward to a country which may have detention camps – no, hold on, this has already happened with the immigrants.

In a way this is the logical conclusion to a world slowly going right-wing. Stack the courts with bastards and watch the civil liberties floating away so Trump can take over the world! It won’t be long before this prick proclaims himself King of the Universe and marries a horse and then we’ll all be up the shitter. Still, as long as there’s people willing to speak out against the gimlet shitehole then there might be hope.

In the meantime, let’s hope Kavanaugh doesn’t fuck the country over too much. As Donald Trump’s arse all I can do is watch the world go by, and every now and then crack off the occasional bumhole nerve gas to embarrass him when meeting dignitaries. Which reminds me, I’ve been saving up a right corker for when he meets the Queen…

Rats – Sinking Ship – Leaving


“Jesus Christ, how much did I have to drink last night?!”


And they’re off! David Davis and Boris Johnson have had their toys taken away, and now they’ve stormed off in a huff to sit in the corner and flubber to the press about how May isn’t being enough of a bastard in regards Brexit. Par for the course.

This could be the start of a coup attempt, which is part of Johnson’s MO. If Gove leaves as well then we’ll have the triptych of shits all scrabbling for the top position, and all of them equally clueless and blockheaded.

The Tory cabinet appears to be made up of overgrown children, so this exodus fits with their basic operational procedure. And considering the whole Brexit debacle has been treated like a child’s party there should be no surprise that a few tantrums would have been accumulated along the way.

The problem for Davis and Johnson is that May wants a soft exit which leaves the door open for trade and business, and the hard Brexiteers want steel walls with machine gun nests on them to replace all the borders. They’re not being restrictive, they’ll tell you – they just want their sovereignty back, which means precisely fuck all in the great scheme of things.

The problem with Brexit is that no one has a fucking clue how to go about it, because it’s a bloody stupid idea in the first place, filtered through a rose-tinted nostalgia for a fifties England which never existed. Yes, there were some raised voices concerned with the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership and some of the unfair practices involved with this, but generally it was about keeping Johnny Foreigner out, and any fucker who disagrees just needs to look at the tabloid headlines pre-Brexit vote.

On the one hand, David and Johnson leaving can only be a positive. It’s always nice to see the Tories destroy themselves from the inside out, but then again when this happened to Thatch we had seven years of John Major wittering on about single mothers and his Back to Basics campaign, which came from the same ideology which festered Brexit festered.

On the other hand, the whole Brexit situation is unstable enough as it is, and although it would be a bonus to see the edifice crumble and Brexit sail up the Suwannee never to be seen again, it could also mean a hole in the Tory cabinet which could see the hard line gits get a serious toehold in parliament and push through an even bigger bastard of a Brexit than the one May had planned, which would be a disaster.

Then again, maybe this will see a domino effect, where cabinet ministers start resigning left, right and centre. We’ll have Gove walk off in a huff and then Jeremy Hunt refuses to come out of the toilet followed by all the other bastards tumbling like ninepins, and then Brexit will get scrapped and we can all stop trying to fuck over the country by selling it for a song just because some small minded arseholes want to feather their own nests, because if you think the pro-Brexit MPs are in it for the good of the country then you’re technically braindead.

On a side note, Nigel Farage has applauded Johnson’s move to quit, which says everything. If you’ve got dickheads like that backing you up then you’re basically fucked.

The Right Wing Bluddy Well Hate You!


tory cabinet
Look at these knuckleheads. Not a braincell amongst them


There’s only one explanation why people like Trump and his Republican reptiles and Theresa May and her Tory knobends are being such utter and total bastards. I’ve run this one through the most scientific computer ever created by everyone (which just happens to look like an etch-a-sketch with a calculator attached to it) and the results are conclusive. These bastards hate you.

Yes – you, now, here, reading this, and MILLIONS of other people out there. They like some people, like other oligarchs and their multinational chums, but generally everyone else they view as a total shit, which can only explain why they’re being such utterly ruthless fuck-nuggets to everyone ever who doesn’t own a couple of million and regularly eats children.

Look at the half-formed jughead Trump. This guy has trouble trying to stop himself drooling when he speaks. The only reason he purses his mouth so much is to stop the farts coming out of his gob rather than his arse. He’s a lumbering oaf of a human being, constantly knocking into people because his basic motor-control has got the fuck out of Dodge rather than be associated with this gibbering clown. And because of this, he resents life itself, and everyone in it, save other gimp-haired bellends he likes to cuddle up with, and so has set out to punish every single living soul who doesn’t fit in with his gimlet ideology, which explains his policies towards… well, everything, really. The suffering of a migrant child? More pain for him to sup on. Next time he gloats over the misery of others have a look and see where his hands are. They’re down his pants.

Same with Theresa May. She actually sold her personality to Satan back in the day, and now views the suffering of mortals as something to be studied under a microscope, which explains her continuation of the austerity programme and her forward propulsion with the Brexit bullshit. Backed up by a veritable ‘Island of Dr. Moreau’ of half man-half beast humanoid evolutionary mistakes, the Tory party careen through a series of unconsidered policies with nary a clue as to what the outcome to the rest of the country will be. It’s like a big experiment with a gaggle of mad scientists at the tiller, and if a bunch of people end up in abject poverty or even dead because of their lunk-headed ideals then they just tweak the experiment and see what will happen next. It’s like Dark City but with more bald people.

If you take a gander at Dismembered by Polly Toynbee or Fantasyland by Kurt Anderson you’ll see a reasonable autopsy on why society here and in the US (and, let’s face it, in quite a lot of other places too) has become so fucked up, and it boils down to the powers-that-be being so disenfranchised from society that they literally have no idea of the human consequences of their actions. The general public are to be avoided or fed nuggets of right-wing dog whistle gaslighting to distract them from the real purpose in life – which is to create a society which benefits everyone and not just some bellends at the top of the heap, helping their other bellend friends out for their own bellend profit. The bellends!

Next week: Why Ian Duncan Smith should be forced to stare at his own reflection until he becomes aware of his own staggering cruelty and slowly collapses in on himself.

Brexit Dilemma by Roger Acist-twatt


Mr Roger Acist-Twatt, yesterday



Now, I’m not a racist just because I voted Brexit, have a St. George’s flag tattooed onto my face, and regularly set fire to an ornamental cross on my lawn every time the Patel’s next door come home from work – it’s just to show how much I value my religion, which is probably Christian or whichever religion it was where the priests weren’t bumming choir boys.

Anyway, recently in the news there was a piece about how some bloke from Mali who was an immigrant rescued a small child from plunging to his non-migrant doom by climbing the side of the building and rescuing him. Now, I’m not trying to cast aspersions on the bloke because all freedom loving ENGLISH people like the little kiddies, but the only reason that man was able to climb a building was because he was in the process of trying to rob the French people of their liberty, or tellies, or something. He was actually halfway up the building when the incident occurred, carrying a cooker and a stereo and looking to pilfer an old lady’s life savings, according to this website I read – Brietshite or something – so it must be true.

On the one hand, I’m conflicted, as it happened in France and I GETS THE TWITCHINGS whenever I hear that country’s name, what with them coming over here in 1066 and taking our true sovereignty, which we’ve sensibly voted out of because at least half of the UK are sensible Nazis – excuse me – I mean sensible frothing spinny eyed bigots – excuse me – what I meant to say sensible true patriots.

On the other hand, it does set an interesting precedent, because it means that all migrants have to do to become naturalised citizens is to do something heroic, like rescue an orphaned puppy from a burning building, throw themselves in front of a marauding rhino, or single-handedly take on a terrorist, which is a bit of a dilemma as they’d be effectively taking themselves out because all true Brexit voters knows that all immigrants are terrorists, especially the Muslim ones because I heard it on Fox and Friends where some bloke in a white hood said it, just before some other bloke in a nice brown shirt turned up on Hannity to say the same thing, just before Judge Jeanine reiterated the fact through her plastic face, so it’s all definitely and utterly true.

All I’m trying to say is, if the immigrants want to be treated like normal people and be allowed to be part of this great country like what that bloke has become in The France, then all they need to do is prove to be incredibly resourceful and heroic to show Our Lord May that they are worthy of being part of ENGLAND!! GNN, GAH, MOTHER, DON’T FORCE ME TO WATCH ‘WIZARD OF OZ’ IN A LADIES DRESS AGAIN!! GNNN!! Excuse me, just having one of my customary fits of patriotism there.

As I was saying about immigration, having ‘skills’ or ‘helping to sustain the economy’ or ‘fleeing from a war zone’ just isn’t a good enough anymore.

Note: Mr Acist-Twatt has been signed on to be the lead columnist for The Mail and The Express after Richard Littlejohn saw him walking down the street whilst trying to kick some dirt off his shoes whilst pointing to a bird in a tree with all his fingers together, which he has stated “Definitely wasn’t me doing a Nazi salute – I’m just a keen ornithologist”.

Pull Out From My Fist, Capitalist Running Dog by Kim Jong-Un


Hah! Imperialist scum! So, the President thinks he can get one over on my glorious self by cancelling the ‘so-called summit’, when in actual fact it’s ME who will be doing the pulling out! Just because he has testicles the colour of your capitalist Wotsits does not mean he has dominion over my movements! ONLY I CAN DECIDE WHERE I GO, WHAT I DO, AND WHAT TIME I GO TO BED!! He can take his summit and ram it right up his fundament!

I did not want to have a meeting with that fat idiot, anyway! It is an insult to myself and the glorious nation of North Korea to even contemplate that I would sit down with his immense lardiness to speak of dismantling our triumphant nuclear payload blammo trademark Death-O-Kill rockets that can go to the moon and back and blow up America in one glorious explosion of communist magnificence!

Some critics who should be sent to our ‘re-education centre’ where teacher-guards reconstitute the ideology of their opinions with their correction sticks have dared to suggest that I was merely wavering over the meeting in an effort to negotiate a better deal for myself, but that is the sort of lies we expect from these imperialist lickspittle capitalist running dog swines! The truth is we pulled out of the meeting years ago, even before the fat fool was President – in fact, even before he was born! We are better at pulling out of summits than America will ever be! We create summits JUST so we can pull out of them. Last week we created a summit about the price of cheese AND THEN PULLED OUT OF IT JUST BECAUSE WE COULD!! The world trembled at our might as we declared with an iron fist that cheese from North Korea would be DOUBLE the price of that from your so-called ‘Amsterdam’. Take THAT, world!

The fatty lardy big arse jumbo tubby President of The United States of Imperialist Sheep is well known to be a serial philanderer and possess a tiny penis, which is nothing like the length and girth of my mighty organ, and the real reason he has cravenly lied about pulling out of the summit first is purely for the reason that he did not wish to be in the same room as my MIGHTY PORK SWORD! The idea of being anywhere near my gargantuan herman’s gelmet has obviously put the fear of his fictitious god into his spine and made him flee for the hills before the power of my mighty steel clockweights! The, so-called ‘President’ ‘Trump’, is the real reason why you have declared the summit null and void, even though we obviously pulled out of it years ago before you even existed.

Beware, imperialistic swine toads of the west, for soon our mighty rockets of doom will be threatening your puny shores, and soon you shall know the wrath of my enormous-trousered knob rockets! ALL HAIL ME!!