Archive for the ‘Politics – sort it aht!’ Category

 

mad doctor

Dr von Bollocks

 

We all know Brexiteers are an intransigent lot, what with their contradictory stances towards sovereignty and facts, but what actually, goes in inside the mind of your average Brexiteer. We asked Professor Scrofulous von Bollocks to investigate, and he came up with (dramatic pause) some surprising conclusions.

There are many types of Brexiteer. There’s the ‘what was wrong with Hitler’ Brexiteer. The ‘why can’t we go back to the 50’s when there wasn’t so many of Them Foreigns around, not that I’m racist, but Enoch Powell was right’, Brexiteer. There’s the ‘we just want our sovereignty back, even though when our sovereignty might say “no” to Brexit we suddenly realise what ‘sovereignty’ means and then decide we don’t actually like it at all, because we’re just disguising our loathing of immigrants under this catch-all phrase so we don’t look like a bunch of Britain First cunts’ Brexiteer. There’s the ‘I don’t bluddy well trust the EU, even if I don’t believe in all that ‘bendy banana’ crap the facking tabloids came out with, but essentially the EU smells of wee and I want no part of it’ Brexiteer. There’s the ‘The European Union is part of a massive conspiracy by the Bilderbergs to take over the world and force the plebs into slavery for their diamond mines because I read it on the website ‘Nutty McFruitcake’s Guide To Why The World IS Controlled and Orderly, Rather Than The Seeming Chaos That Makes Me Scared and Poo My Pants’ Brexiteer. There’s the ‘I dunno, I thought I’d just vote for it for a laugh – fuck me, what the hell have I done!!??’ Brexiteer. There’s the ‘We pay the EU loads of money and we want it all back for the NHS – what do you mean they fibbed!?’ Brexiteer. There’s the ‘I’m actually quite reasonable and somehow have been made to look like a right fucking nutter when compared to the rest of these wibbling arseholes’ Brexiteer. And a lot of other types in-between.

But what do they share in common? Nothing much, really. Apart from the obvious, in that they’re willing to side with the sort of right wing nutters who think the sun shines out of Paul Dacre’s many arseholes (they’re called ‘Daily Mail journalists’). Some have posited that it’s like voting for the Nazi party because you like their policies, and then being shocked by being compared to Hitler.

On the other hand, The Remainers had Cameron, Osborne and facking Tony Blair, and that bloke’s eyes spin in opposite directions!

Still, as a spoddy doctor of Looking At Stuff, it is not in my remit to take sides, but to delve into the minds of the Brexiteers and find out what makes them tick, and after an extensive investigation, I can reveal that, inside the mind of a Brexiteer, there exists stuff. Ideas. Opinions. And sexual thoughts about dressing up like Paddington Bear and being spanked by Mistress Bumpunch who is armed with a kipper.

Professor Scrofulous von Bollocks has a doctorate in Making Shit Up For a Cheap Laugh.

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european_badger_1

Trump is as mad as this mad badger.

 

He’s at it again, the whacky racist. You just can’t stop the man being a total dick to everyone and everything. After micturating over decades worth of back and forth negotiations regarding Jerusalem, Trump has strapped on his massive boots and gone storming into the controversy like the tiny-handed tithead we all know and wish would fuck off forever. He doesn’t do diplomacy, because he can’t spell the bloody thing and wouldn’t want anyone to think he was weak, so he stomps his way through the entire issue, probably because Obama was in favour of a two-state capital for Israel and Palestine, and Trump always gets a stiffy when he manages to flick the V’s at anything Barack was in favour of.

I’ve said it before and it’s worth repeating, but any president who makes Bush Junior look like a towering statesman has to be the biggest, most incompetent president in the history of being president, EVER! Mixed in with the tragedy of him fucking up the whole Jerusalem question we have the comedy of his followers posting fake crowd photos of his Phoenix rally, which were actually taken from a championship parade for a basketball team. Just about everything this fool and his marching zombie army do seems to be riven with bullshit and incompetence! He’s like this massive comedy clown, bumbling his way through his term, like a corpulent Jerry Lewis.

The odds on Trump being impeached have halved since the whole ‘Russians? What Russians?’ debacle. He’s acting like a trapped idiot, much as Nixon did when the shadows were closing in on him. He’s been accused of having lost his marbles, which is pretty convincing when you consider his tenancy in the White House and his general actions and inability to engage with reality, and if the sword of Damocles does fall on the fucker’s head you just know the sad twat will claim insanity as his get-out clause.

When he’s allegedly posting tweets impeaching himself, and then his attorney has to step in and say he actually sent the tweets via his social media director, Dan Scovino, you have to wonder what the levels of incompetency are in the whole Trump/Republican machine. Considering the disrepute he’s brought to the GOP, you’d have surmised they’d have ganged up and fired his arse by now. Considering his popularity is at all time low (around 37% average at the time of writing) you’d think he poor bastards would realise they had nothing to lose.

Still, despite all the bullshit, idiocy, incompetence and general twattery looming around his tenure so far, it’s sobering to remind ourselves that at least the fucker hasn’t started any wars. Yet. Although by dangling his tackle in front of North Korea and asking Kim Jong-Un to take a swipe his man-parts, we’re getting very close.

 

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Stare Into the Face of Evil!

 

A couple of days ago Paperchase gave a free giveaway in toss-mongous shite spewer The Daily Mail, where if you agreed to suffer through an entire tabloid’s worth of hatred and racism you could get a couple of rolls of wrapping paper to hide your guilt in. After a campaign by Stop Funding Hate which pointed out the little-known fact that the Mail was a shrieking harpy of bollocks and incontinence the card shop retailer apologised for supping on the devil’s cheesy helm and issued an apology.

This caused The Mail to gather its Cloak of Darkness around itself and whisper words about ‘how deeply worrying’ this is, rather than it being a solid campaign to show the bastards for the racist shites they are. This, as subjects involving controversy do, caused celebrity arse-sniffer Piers Morgan to harp on about boycotting Paperchase, and Rent-A-Gobshites Iain Martin and Julia Hartley-Brewer to fulminate over ‘grovelling apologies’.

In one respect, the right-wing snorting and table-thumping against the apology is a reaction to what they perceive to the usual standard of ‘Political Correctness Gorn Mad’, but on the other hand, they’re a bunch of snivelling bastards whose moral compass ran up Paul Dacre’s anus the first time he wiffled a small bag of zlotys in their direction, and therefore whatever opinions they hold have about as much credence as a Tory saying they understand what being poor is like, as it meant they can’t afford to pay their chauffeur.

The Mail have basically got their arse in a twist because Stop Funding Hate have a rep for kicking the paper in the bollocks until they stop liking it, after they managed to get Lego to pull their advertising awhile ago. I imagine they fear, in the future, after a lot more successful campaigns, they’ll have to resort to pimping themselves out to Honest Ron’s Off-Licence and Dog Fighting Emporium or Uncle Filthy’s Sweets and Dirty Mag Shop, which means The Express will lose their advertising.

In a time when it feels like the bastard’s with the biggest voice, the tiniest hands, and cuntiest opinions are stalking across the media and political landscape like a big bastard steamroller of bastard opinions and bastard writers all choking out the same bastard shite to try and get other bastards to start hating anything they lay their eyes on, it’s nice to see a campaign with a bit of integrity taking a conglomerate by the knackers and swinging them around their heads a few times before sending them hurtling through the window of positive action.

This bollocks won’t harm the shit ticket one iota in regards sales – the sort of arseholes who believe the dribbling turds the Mail calls headlines are hardly likely to be swayed by a card shop pulling their advertising when they can have a bellyful of hate with their morning cornflakes – but it shines a light on the political and social dudgeon these arse trumpets bellow every morning, and might make a few people think twice before purchasing their morning cak.

 

orange

Donald Trump, yesterday.

 

Power. Does it corrupt? In this exclusive survey we interviewed several top-flight power-brokers in the world of politics to gain a unique insight into the link between power and… dramatic pause… being a twat.

Nigel Farage: Brexit Bellend
Some say being a powerful big knob in the world of Brexit turned a mild-mannered milquetoast into a raging buffoon, but what they didn’t realise is I was massive spoddy shouty pain in the bumhole before I ever started wittering on pointlessly to give some tumescence to my own ego. My power derived from having squillions of zlotys in the first place, and lauding it over the paups. How could I have possibly got away with it? By holding a pint, spouting some bollocks about smoking in pubs and immigrants, and looking like a frog seen through the bottom of a beer glass. Did it make me popular? Well, obviously not popular enough, since I’m now driven to scurrying around Donald Trump like a rat, begging for compliments. WHY DID YOU DESERT ME, BRITAIN!!??

Donald Trump: Orange Bellend
WAH!! WAH!! WAH!! TRUMPY WANT TWITTER!! TWITTER BEST FRIEND!! TWITTER NOT TALK BACK!! TWITTER NOT TELL TRUMP HE A BIG WEE HEAD AND ON VERGE OF HELPING DESTROY WURLD!! TWITTER NOT CARE ABOWT BAD SPELLING!! TWITTER NOT CARE IF TRUMP LOVE NAZIS!! WHAT WRONG WITH NAZIS!!?? NAZIS THINK TRUMP GREAT MAN!! NAZIS HELP TRUMP GET ELEKTED!! PEOPLE SAY TRUMP NOT POPULAR, BUT THEY FAKE NEWS!! TRUMP HAVE BIG POWER IN PANTS!! TRUMP SMARTEST MAN IN WORLD!! POWER MAKE TRUMP BRILL!! TRUMP HANDED POWER BY DAD!! TRUMP THEN SPUNK DAD-MONEY UP WALL!! TRUMP SMART BUSINESSMUN!! I LOVE POWER!!

Theresa May: Dithering Bellend
Woman have fought a long and hard battle to gain the respect of their peers in the male dominated world in which we work. For centuries they have been kept under the cosh so the patriarchal system can carry on the status quo, which is why it is with great pleasure that women like myself and Margaret Thatcher can show the world that the emancipation of the female can make both sexes equally as power-crazed, insane, witless and crazy-ape bonkers as each other. Seriously, I haven’t got a clue. Did you see me at the EU Summit in Brussels in 2016? Facking clueless! I spent half of my life walking into walls because I’ve forgotten what a door looks like! Basically, you don’t need to be smart to be powerful – just in the right place at the right time.

Jezza Corbs: Lefty Bellend
One day I shall destroy you all. I have been sent by the Zarkons of Spliffy to annihilate you hu-mans for the greater glory of the Left-Ee Empire. Sent from centuries past to sow the seeds of wearing woolly jumpers and banging on endlessly about equal rights for vegetables (Ed: But enough about Trump – HAH! SATIRE!) we shall conquer you puny earth creatures. We haven’t quite figured out how to do this yet, but it involves supporting Brexit and cuts to the welfare state, and basically tugging the forelocks to our Tory masters. Oh no, hang on, that was Milliband. We just support Brexit. So, yes, power – let it shine from my balls! For they contain all the knowledge of the universe in my mossy, ripe plums!

Conclusion: Why are people in power such utter dicks?

 

flat-earth

A world without news

 

For the last two months the change in job in my life has precipitated ditching the daily rags and reading books, as trying to open a newspaper on a crowded train full of smelly armpits and angry commuters is about as realistic as Donald Trump not being a total spanner who spends his afternoons spamming himself on the bonce whilst rubbing his own shit into his hair (which is how he tweets). So, as many (cough) of my regular readers will know this has meant a large upsurge in the amount of books I’ve read, and a lessening in my daily intake of news.

I don’t ignore news. I’ll nab the headlines on the Beeb in the morning, scan a few websites like The Guardian, Mother Jones, New York Times, etc for more in-depth analysis before going to bed, but I’m not religiously ploughing my way through a couple of rags a day and a bunch of weekly politics mags to get fully genned up on News. And weirdly, it’s been sort of a relief.

I was chatting down the boozer a few months ago to a bloke who stopped reading and watching news a few years ago. Now he was happy as Larry. Brexit? Fuck it, don’t care. Trump? He’s a twat, who gives a monkeys, don’t hear about him anyway. Endless conflict, misery, injustice and pain? Not my problem, matey boy. His attitude to events going on in the world was a shoulder shrug and a ‘meh’. He had purged himself of news.

And I can see the appeal. Mrs. Sortitaht, just before opening a copy of The Observer this Sunday, said, “Bloody shit bollocks arse knobs pants and farts” – she likes to swear – “you ever get that horrible feeling before opening a paper that there’s going to be some hideous story about Trump or Brexit that makes you realise the world is full of arseholes?” And there we have the appeal of NOT catching up with the news. What can you do it about it? Protest? You can, but will anyone listen?

Then again, that holds up a whole different argument about positive action, and the argument that without it we’d still be penniless serfs on a gentrified estate run by toffs. Hmmm…

But I miss the news. I missed being annoyingly informed so when some bellend starts quoting bullshit bollocks he’s read in The Daily Shit, I can do a run up and then smack them right in the clangers with a well-aimed hobnailed Boot of Facts. And because of this, I plan to go back to News, just as soon as I’ve read all the books that have been piling up over the last 2 years, unread and sad because of it.

There’s only 200 of the fuckers to go, so shouldn’t’ take more than A COUPLE OF YEARS!! AAGGHH!! SOMEONE GIVE ME A NEW YORKER BEFORE ALL THE FACTS RUN OUT OF MY EARS!!!

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This amoeba contains more common sense than your average racist.

Racism. What is it? What type of shoes does it wear? Where does it go shopping? Who voted for it?

I think we can all agree that Racism is a Bad Thing. How do we know this? Donald Trump’s in favour of it, and from a merely philosophical standpoint, if Donald Trump likes something then it has to be morally unsound. But, we have to ask, what makes people racist? Nature? Nurture? Or merely being a twat?

Many people have been racists over the years, and some of those people (like Donald Trump) have been very popular with select members of the human race. Racism comes in all creeds, colours, and haircuts. Some racists have very short hair. Some have long hair. Some, even, have no hair. Well, quite a lot of them, anyway. Especially in America. And the UK, come to think of it. And Europe. And lots of other places.

It is morally and philosophically wrong to class all peoples as racist, even if they did vote for Brexit or Trump. Socrates will back me up on this. Or he would if he wasn’t dead. But his argument was that, just because racists voted Brexit or Trump, does not mean all Brexiteers and Trumpers and racist? However, does this extend to the argument that all racists are twats? And are all twats racist? Or just some of them? Or none of them? Or some and none of them?

It goes back to the age-old conundrum of voting Tory. I’ve crunched the numbers through the Philosophical Council’s super-computer, Brainy McThinky, and the end results have told me that statistically you’re more likely to be a racist if you edge on the side of the Conservatives than, say, if you voted for The Greens. How do we know this? JUST LOOK AT THEM! THE SMUG TWATS!

But what, by definition, is a racist? Well, let us look at some characteristics. What do these people have in common? Katy Hopkins, Nigel Farage, Ian Duncan-Smith, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Godfrey Bloom, Alex Jones, Donald Trump, George Galloway, Steve Bannon and Richard Littlejohn. If you said ‘they’re all massive twats’, you’d be right. All simpering, gimlet eyed little shits, striding through life like a social disease, making the very idea of existence just that much shitter by the very air they breathe, corrupting the joy out of humanity with their putrid, empty, cretinous, idiotic, moronic, witless, gibbering, swivel-eyed bullshit. If the average human being was given the choice of living in a house made of shit or spending ten minutes with these malodorous malcontents, they’d be asking for the turd-shaped key before you could finish the bloody offer!

Anyway, I seem to have become somewhat distracted there. So, racists? Why? Do they serve any function in life, or are they basically a waste of space? Indeed, what is the point of racists? What historical or biological function do racists serve? Why do they even exist? And, most importantly, where can they all fuck off too? Racistland, I imagine, where they serve Daily Mail on tap and show Trump speeches on a twenty-four-hour rotation.

In fact, if that did actually happen, maybe the rest of us could get on with the mere act of living rather than have to put up with that load of old cunt the next we time we go to the fucking pub and distract me WHILE I’M TRYING TO HAVE A NICE, QUIET FUCKING PINT!

Wankers.

*Chinny McStroke has a new book out ‘Did You Spill My Pint: The Art of Starting a Pagga’, available with a knuckle sandwich at all good bookstores.

 

king

A Tories’ view of how the poor live

 

Bloody typical! Not only are the Tories screwing up the welfare system, they’re also charging the poor fackers 55p a minute to phone up Pauphelp to find out why they haven’t got any moolah! They’ll find any way to screw a few more shekels out of people!

The universal credit system is already turning out to be a load of old cak, with late payments and border-line poverty amounts and now this rubbish. Corbs stood up and shook his walking stick at the PM, whilst May spouted some old toss about building a safe welfare system and blah blah blah and we’ve heard all this crap before. What is it about being the worst off in society that boils the piss of so many elected officials? Why do they seem hellbent on stamping on the heads of everyone who’s fallen below the breadline? Not only are they trying to make being from overseas a crime; not only are they trying to punch the biggest bastard of a Brexit into the rule books; not only are they trying to do a bit shite on the poor and needy; but they’re also trying to kill off our elders by refusing to put a cap on energy bills. It’s like they’ve come up with a concept that the poor should pay for having the temerity to be born with no cash.

I think this comes from their background. Yes, we hear about Knobbington Scrote who grew up on a council estate and made it to Parliament against the odds and etc etc, but if you consider most of these fuckers come from backgrounds where the only poor person they saw was the ones they shot at come grousing day, then you begin to understand why they have no concept of poverty. And there is no possible way to get them to understand the conditions people have to put up with, because there’s no possible way these bastards will yank themselves out of their lifestyles to get down and dirty with the people who vote.

On the other hand, do people really care. Look at Nigel Farage. He’s a penis. And yet his voting public didn’t give a monkeys for the bags of money he has from trading commodities, but rather warmed to his bullshit persona of a fag smoking, beer drinking, frog faced racist dick. The fact that this warm streak of piss hasn’t got a freaking clue how the other half live is neither here nor there.

What this amounts to is a lack of willing from those who rule to work for the good of the people. This bullish, grandstanding bollocks runs through all strata of government, from local councils to pig fuckers in Parliament (note to editor: this joke is massively out of date). It remains to be seen whether anything can be done to redress the balance so at least the poor bastards at the bottom have a slight chance of making it through life without dying of poverty.