Archive for the ‘Politics – sort it aht!’ Category



A Tories’ view of how the poor live


Bloody typical! Not only are the Tories screwing up the welfare system, they’re also charging the poor fackers 55p a minute to phone up Pauphelp to find out why they haven’t got any moolah! They’ll find any way to screw a few more shekels out of people!

The universal credit system is already turning out to be a load of old cak, with late payments and border-line poverty amounts and now this rubbish. Corbs stood up and shook his walking stick at the PM, whilst May spouted some old toss about building a safe welfare system and blah blah blah and we’ve heard all this crap before. What is it about being the worst off in society that boils the piss of so many elected officials? Why do they seem hellbent on stamping on the heads of everyone who’s fallen below the breadline? Not only are they trying to make being from overseas a crime; not only are they trying to punch the biggest bastard of a Brexit into the rule books; not only are they trying to do a bit shite on the poor and needy; but they’re also trying to kill off our elders by refusing to put a cap on energy bills. It’s like they’ve come up with a concept that the poor should pay for having the temerity to be born with no cash.

I think this comes from their background. Yes, we hear about Knobbington Scrote who grew up on a council estate and made it to Parliament against the odds and etc etc, but if you consider most of these fuckers come from backgrounds where the only poor person they saw was the ones they shot at come grousing day, then you begin to understand why they have no concept of poverty. And there is no possible way to get them to understand the conditions people have to put up with, because there’s no possible way these bastards will yank themselves out of their lifestyles to get down and dirty with the people who vote.

On the other hand, do people really care. Look at Nigel Farage. He’s a penis. And yet his voting public didn’t give a monkeys for the bags of money he has from trading commodities, but rather warmed to his bullshit persona of a fag smoking, beer drinking, frog faced racist dick. The fact that this warm streak of piss hasn’t got a freaking clue how the other half live is neither here nor there.

What this amounts to is a lack of willing from those who rule to work for the good of the people. This bullish, grandstanding bollocks runs through all strata of government, from local councils to pig fuckers in Parliament (note to editor: this joke is massively out of date). It remains to be seen whether anything can be done to redress the balance so at least the poor bastards at the bottom have a slight chance of making it through life without dying of poverty.




Not mad


Cripes, lumme, crikey, eh, readers? Looks like Johnny Foreigner’s got himself into a right old doozy over my old scribblings for the Torygraph! Even She Who Must Be Obeyed has been squawking some decidedly uncouth bleatings from behind closed doors just because yer old mate Johnson’s just happened to say her plans weren’t worth the testicles they were written on!

Larks and japes aplenty, though, as everyone knows I’m a dashed trusty cover and definitely not a greedy little squit like that Gove fella, the four-eyed shit! The Pob-faced bastard may have stuck up for me in the Daily Telegraph, but he can’t get away from the fact that the scrotey little street urchin (from lower class stock, doncha know) stuck the old blade right in Bozzo’s back and caused him a rum old case of loser’s envy. As a member of the Grandstanding Order of the Funky Bollocks Five, I can’t take that bit of skulduggery lying down!

But Boris can’t be too angry, as he might have to rely on the backing of merry ne’er-do-wells like Govey-boy in the future, especially if one hopes to get a jump at the top spot, eh, readers? Not that I’d ever want that, obviously, as Theresa May is a dashed decent woman and can definitely steer the course of Brexit into the port without damaging too much of the livestock, if you get my drift. Mind you, it doesn’t help the old rep if you’re coming across as a spineless lickspittle of the EU spin-meisters does it, old gal? You should be striking while the iron’s hot, yanking the old trousers down to Johnny Foreigner, presenting one’s rosy cheeked rear to Barmy Junckers and saying, “No! We want a hard Brexit! A tumescent, purple headed Brexit which proud, honest pubes which stand up to your ‘sense of fairness’, ‘human rights’ and ‘cohesive trade plans’.” We all know that kind of thinking leads to one thing – straight bananas and conkers in jumpers to cushion the blow! And it may be a big stack of massive fibs, but I’m sticking to it!

Now, there have been rumours that I’m not an honest chap. That all this is some sort of fake exterior, and underneath the scruffy bonhomie there beats the heart of a wall-eyed, devious little toad, ruthlessly plotting to bring down any victim fool enough to stumble into my path in my inexorable, bludgeoning passage to the top job, where I can finally make the supreme sacrifice of all the nation’s first born to my Cthulonic inter-dimensional space masters! Well, it’s all rubbish, eh, readers? I’m just your average, lovely, slightly dotty but trustworthy Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, and will never feed your young into the slavering, beaked jaws of Yog-Sothoth.

Anyway, wot ho, cripes, blimey, lawks-a-lumme, etc – just remember that next time the vote pops up for a reliable captain to steer the ship, remember old Bozzo when it comes to putting the cross where it counts. Not that I’m vying for the PM’s job in my inevitable lust for glory, where all hu-mans shall look upon my might and cower like the dogs they are, FOR I AM BO-RIS JOHNSOTH, RULER OF A THOUSAND DIMENSIONS AND DESTROYER OF WORLDS, AND YOU ARE MY PUNY HUMAN SLAVES!!!!

Next week: Why Gove is definitely not Satan.



Anne Coulter, looking her sanest, yesterday


Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with the right wing? What possible malfunction do they possess in their genetic make-up which makes them go, “Y’know, I hate thinking logically about things – I’m going to start proposing complete and utter unquantifiable bullshit in my conversations so like-minded knuckle-dragging dick monkeys will nod their slack-jawed heads in agreement and I won’t have to think too much or question my morals.”

Anne Coulter has dragged her carcass out from the sewers where she feasts on the souls of tramps, to propose the idea that the flooding of Houston had nothing to do with climate change, whilst also getting a dig in at the previous mayor of Houston, who is a lesbian.

You read shit like that, and the sort of conspiracy bollocks the alt.right come up with on a daily basis, and you remember all the cascades of cak which used to come from the bloody birthers about Obama, and you have to ask yourself, are these people just utterly fucking cluelessly myopic that all they see is the blank wall of racism and anti-science bullshit ricocheting around in their tiny minds, or are they just in it for a laugh? It’s obviously the first one.

But you get these arse idiots crawling out from the woodwork now that the gimp-creature Trump has been elected and the UK has decided to fist itself up the sphincter with Brexit, as though these two walls of incomprehensible ignorance has given rise to a New Politics which demands a complete refutation of reality. These wobbling great gelatinous masses of blind prejudice and spiteful hate seriously believe all the shit that spews from their credulous, gaping maws on a daily basis. In the UK, all you have to do to tap into this ideology is pick up a fucking tabloid like The Mail and The Express, and suddenly we’re in Force Factor Five of Fucked.

Incredulousness seems to be a part of the modern era. Back in my days (aye, lad, when roads were cobbled and t’internet were only dream in the eye of chronic masturbator) the conspiracy sphere was niche. It was prevalent, but only on the fringes, where small children would point and laugh. Now, with the advent of the internet, this shit is pummelled into our minds as though it was fact even before reasoned thinking can be dragged kicking and screaming into the public arena to do battle with the conspiracy tribes.

I used to love a good conspiracy theory. It used to make me chuckle. But the more I hear about idiots like Coulter spouting their venemous bollocks and the more I think about a dick wicket like Trump being in power, and the more I think about gibbering loons like Bannon and his cohorts truffling for racism around the White House, and the more I think about the collective VD scab that is Fox News regurgitating their hateful lies and racist agendas, the more I think ‘what the fuck are these pricks on?’ What could be the motivation for their beliefs? WHY are they like they are?

And the answer, I imagine, is a myriad of nature and nurture. Of mistreatment and prejudicial guidance. And mainly fear. Hateful fear, designed to blank out reason and fact for blind faith, powered by childish truculence, and devoid of calming reason. This, I think, is the future of public – and private – discourse.



Your post-Brexit leader


Shagging hell! Michel Bernier has said that leaving the EU will not subject the UK to economic blackmail, and that he’s only there to ‘teach the British people what it means to leave the EU’. I somehow don’t imagine that’s going to make Brexiteers out there feel any more fluffy towards the European Union.

Now, I know a few people who voted to leave, and they’re sane and reasonable people. However, I can’t get this image out of my bonce of some bowler hatted knobend sitting in a twee living room with his subjugated wife, a little Hitler moustache on both of them, fuming away that some foreign type has DARED to impugn that the UK could be taught anything, and having overheard some of the Brexit conversations and justifications since the vote, I can only assume I’m right on a certain level.

For some reason, the assumption that the UK could just pull up the anchor and sail away to 50’s nostalgia land seems to have been pretty fucking prevalent amongst the Brexiteers and their shills. Did the concept of trade negotiations come into their reasoning, or did they assume they could barter with the US and China and not suffer any repercussions. India have already said they expect free movement of their citizens for trade deals, so unless the UK want to batten down all the hatches the poor fuckers who voted for race reasons are going to be gagging on their chips when something like this rears its head, and good fucking job, too. For a country that’s spent most of the last two centuries shitting all over the world and nabbing other people’s land like it’s collecting stamps, we certainly seem close-minded when it comes to people from some of the countries we’ve fucked over jaunting by for bed and breakfast.

Still, it’s not all about immigrants and race. We’ve been there, seen it, and banned the T-shirt from entering the country. Now the real fight comes when trade, jobs, free movement of UK citizens within the EU, and myriad other strands of leaving the Union come into play. And Theresa May is acting like her microchips are starting to fail. Part of me wonders if she’s playing to the gallery for all her ‘hard Brexit’ bullshit, or whether she really is just a stubborn, mad old woman who refuses to listen to reason because that would require showing a degree of humility or, heavens to Betsy, compassion and understanding. It’s hard to say, but she’s certainly making a pig’s nutsack out of the whole debacle, and flicking the V’s at Bernier because he’s trying to be reasonable in his request to educate those who had no fucking idea what they were getting into when they voted to leave isn’t going to help soften the blow.

I’m sure the current administration will bimble along with its head up its arse for no other reason than the tabloids might be angry if they show any degree of coherent political thought or judgement. Anyway, with the current events going on between the twin stooges of Trump and Jong-un at the moment, we might have to worry more about fighting off mutant gangs of bikers rather than wall-eyed politicians in the future.



Jemima Deathtohumanity, yesterday


!!A Secret Party Manifesto – Not For Release to the Paups!!

It is a little-known fact that the Labour party were secretly formed by a cabal of Conservatives to act as a sop to the flatcap wearing masses who spent all their time down the mines whilst drinking real ale with their whippets. The central idea was to give our Tory Overlords an enemy to fight against – a shabby bunch of donkey-jacket wearing lowlifes who called everyone ‘brother’ and couldn’t organise a nun-up in a nunnery, even with an endless supply of free nuns at their disposal. Which is why we built the Doomsday Virus into every serving Labour party Prime Minister, set to go off a few years after they take power. You can see the little fella at work in the mad, staring eye of Tony Blair as it convinces him he can be peace envoy.

What those out there in Guttersnipe Land don’t understand, is that being a bunch of contradictory ragamuffins was in-built into the Labour party’s genetic code. Why do you think the stupid buggers spend half their time arguing with each other? They can’t help it! It’s part of their evolutionary make-up. On the one hand, they’re banging on about how they’re the mouthpiece for the poor scrotes without two ha’perth to rub together, and the next they’re backing up fleecing the paups out of their taxes and pummelling the poor sods into the firmament, as they did during the Milliband years. Any sensible politician would have told Cameron to stick his austerity up his fat, hairy arse and do one before the righteous justice of lefty vengeance smote the little pig fucker into an ermine lined coffin, but Eddie baby decided to go on a forelock tugging tour of Osborne’s ringpiece and before you know it we’d kicked the stupid fuckers into the tall grass.

However, over the last few years it appears as though our carefully laid plans to undermine the Labour mannequins have been subverted. We could fool them into thinking our Blair puppet was a man of independent thought before feeding them an ever more clueless conveyer belt of gibbering, contradictory fools, but now this Corbo Bot 2000 has entered the fray. He can’t be a human being as he appears to be impenetrable to our Twat Rays which we’ve been bombarding at the party ever since Milliband tucked into the bacon sandwich. They do appear to have the after-effect of making the beardy twat support our side when it comes to Europe, mind, but other than that the fucker seems riven with independent thought. Gentleman and those other types with boobs – this must end!

Our double agents have been at work. Already the Shadow Equalities Minister has resigned for writing an article outlining a vicious stream of bigotry and racial stereotyping, which she totally denies having anything to do with but somehow landed on Tony Gallagher’s desk anyway. But people – the point is these fuckers aren’t supposed to resign. They’re supposed to hang on to power, rise through the ranks, and take the reigns once they’ve kicked ideas of equality and emancipation right in the bollocks. We had Blair lobbing bombs at bloody Iraq for fuck’s sake! Surely we can get that hairy little automaton Corbs to start supporting the mass ejection of foreign types from our soil!

Luckily the evil trio of Murdoch, Dacre and Desmond are currently sniffing around the Dear Leader’s marmite motorway, and have agreed to sucker more spinny-eyed Labour types into signing off articles about how great genocide would be, so hang tight. We’ll disguise them as think-pieces about increasing the potato farming yield and then, once they’ve been signed, switch them for diatribes about building Hitler a shrine on Princess Diana’s grave. Bosh! Corbs spends his waning years as leader trying to defend the reason why his Culture Secretary advocated nailing the Pope’s bollocks to St Pauls.

On NO account, must we remind the public just what a bunch of evil bastards we are in comparison, so someone stick a bucket on Michael Gove’s head and tell him it’s night time.


Donald Trump speaks during the National Rifle Association's annual meeting in Nashville, Tennessee

Trump definitely not being a racist, yesterday


There’s been a lot of talk these days about whether Donald Trump is going to kill us all. I’d like to soothe everyone’s mind by saying no, he won’t personally, or at least not unless you get too close and turn out to be black or Mexican or Hispanic, and even then there’s a good chance his guards will be able to stop him before he bites your head off.

So, stop worrying, The World! Donald Trump is just a harmless, bumbling megalomaniac with his finger on the button and a propensity to start bun fights with equally insane and despotic Bond villains. It’s not like he’s actually, potentially, almost-certainly dangerous or anything – just mostly so.

The basic fact that people have to remember is this – the world has not ended yet. Yes, there have been a few warning signs, like the four horsemen of the apocalypse having a quick snack in the Washington layby, but there are fundamental differences between what the prophesies have foretold and reality. For instance, it is said that the horn-ed one would have 666 as a birthmark on its head, and yet Donald Trump merely has three arses under his weave. The facts are irrefutable.

The main problem we have with the naysayers is their relationship to truth and the ACTUAL truth which Donald and the alt.right have at their disposal, which despite the lack of factuality are more truthful than actual things which definitely happened. As some of the great philosophers have probably said (I’ve no real idea – Donald frowns on book-learnin’), reality is merely a concept, and facts are malleable to whoever the interpreter is.

Take the latest furore over Donald keeping his trap shut over the troubles in Charlottesville. Yes, some people may see this as him tacitly approving of the tactics of the extreme far right, only to have his arm twisted by overwhelming condemnation before capitulating and offering some piss-poor mimsy comment snarled through gritted teeth, like the vacuous lies he normally tells. But those people would be churlish. Being his official spokesman (for this week) I can say without shadow of a doubt that Trump was contemplating the full weight of the events which had taken place, and was trying to think of the most heartfelt and poignant words to fully get across to the people of the world the enormity of his condemnation of whatever it was that happened.

Which just goes to show how much The Donald cares about things and feelings. He didn’t have to spend two days thinking up words which fit together to form sentences to show how bad and stuff the Nazis were, but he did, although most people would have called them a bunch of brown shirted, goose stepping monkey bollocks from day one, but not The Donald. He knows that his every pronouncement is gold, which he then feeds to you – the public – in bite sized nuggets, to treasure.

As a great man once said, “Donald Trump’s pants are definitely not on fire – they are merely warming to the issue.”



Trump’s sulky face as he’s forced to say he hates Nazis.


Gah! I originally wrote this when Trump was keeping his weird face shut over the subject of condemning racists outright. Now he’s been forced into coughing up a meagre response. When I first heard about it I imagined some old-style Edwardian school teacher standing over him with a cane and threatening to give ten lashes if he didn’t put some effort into saying sorry, only for Trump to stick his bottom lip out in a sulk, stare at the floor, and mumble “allracistsarebad”.

Anyway, here’s what I wrote earlier in the day, AND IT STILL STANDS, DAMMIT!!

“This should not a surprise. Considering the support Trump has received from the alt.right since his bid to become Grand Poohbah, he obviously doesn’t want to upset his voting base by calling them a bunch of Nazi loons.

It does beg the question whether Trump himself is a right-wing Nazi loon, which is a more difficult question considering his flip-flopping political leanings over the years. Let’s never forget, this is a man who once supported Hilary Clinton and touted himself as pro-life.

I’m reading a book at the moment called Ready, Player One, which is written in the style of an over-excited nerdy teenager, and I’m trying to figure out whether it’s a work of art for directly emulating The World of Spod, or whether it’s just badly written. You can almost see Trump in the same light. Is he a knowing grandee, playing the alt.right for all it’s worth, or is his loyalty to the right wing cause a reality? A question which often pops into my mind is, if the US suddenly turned left-wing, what are the chances that Trump would ape their ideology to get his tiny hands on their votes?

As one BBC news pundit pointed out, Trump was always quick to condemn Obama every time there was a terrorist attack for not calling the killers ‘terrorists’. Now he’s shrugging off the idea that the attacker was a Nazi, or even condemning the rally itself, thus giving tacit support to the alt.right fanbase which helped to support his White House bid.

To condemn all Trump supporters as goose stepping brown shirts would be injurious to reality, much as it would be slate all Brexiteers as bigots, but the fact is a lot of support came from the sort of people who want to bring back cross burning as a national sport. This is not your peace and love crowd. The sensible option would have been to condemn the Nazis from the highest pulpit, as the mayor of Charlottesville did, and not show the world the colour of your spine with half-hearted rhetoric blaming all sides.

Trump is not man who is worried by reality. He will shape it to fit his own conceptions, and fire anyone who counters his white wash of the facts. In a presidency filled with lies, distortions, obfuscation and downright bullshit, Trump is the arsehole at the top of the heap, spewing his diatribes, unaware of the effect. History will look on him the same way they looked on Nixon. Hagiographies will applaud, and you can bet those hagiographies will be a written by the kind of people who marched for the right in Charlottesville.

It’s another depressing reminder of the state we’re in as a collective humanity, with one half fighting for inclusion and the other half pushing for exclusion, and at the moment, from a global perspective, it looks as though the exclusion side is winning. However, the push back must not waver, because to waver is allow the right wing to win, and historically that’s never left a good aftermath.”