Archive for the ‘Politics – sort it aht!’ Category


Donald Trump speaks during the National Rifle Association's annual meeting in Nashville, Tennessee

Trump definitely not being a racist, yesterday


There’s been a lot of talk these days about whether Donald Trump is going to kill us all. I’d like to soothe everyone’s mind by saying no, he won’t personally, or at least not unless you get too close and turn out to be black or Mexican or Hispanic, and even then there’s a good chance his guards will be able to stop him before he bites your head off.

So, stop worrying, The World! Donald Trump is just a harmless, bumbling megalomaniac with his finger on the button and a propensity to start bun fights with equally insane and despotic Bond villains. It’s not like he’s actually, potentially, almost-certainly dangerous or anything – just mostly so.

The basic fact that people have to remember is this – the world has not ended yet. Yes, there have been a few warning signs, like the four horsemen of the apocalypse having a quick snack in the Washington layby, but there are fundamental differences between what the prophesies have foretold and reality. For instance, it is said that the horn-ed one would have 666 as a birthmark on its head, and yet Donald Trump merely has three arses under his weave. The facts are irrefutable.

The main problem we have with the naysayers is their relationship to truth and the ACTUAL truth which Donald and the alt.right have at their disposal, which despite the lack of factuality are more truthful than actual things which definitely happened. As some of the great philosophers have probably said (I’ve no real idea – Donald frowns on book-learnin’), reality is merely a concept, and facts are malleable to whoever the interpreter is.

Take the latest furore over Donald keeping his trap shut over the troubles in Charlottesville. Yes, some people may see this as him tacitly approving of the tactics of the extreme far right, only to have his arm twisted by overwhelming condemnation before capitulating and offering some piss-poor mimsy comment snarled through gritted teeth, like the vacuous lies he normally tells. But those people would be churlish. Being his official spokesman (for this week) I can say without shadow of a doubt that Trump was contemplating the full weight of the events which had taken place, and was trying to think of the most heartfelt and poignant words to fully get across to the people of the world the enormity of his condemnation of whatever it was that happened.

Which just goes to show how much The Donald cares about things and feelings. He didn’t have to spend two days thinking up words which fit together to form sentences to show how bad and stuff the Nazis were, but he did, although most people would have called them a bunch of brown shirted, goose stepping monkey bollocks from day one, but not The Donald. He knows that his every pronouncement is gold, which he then feeds to you – the public – in bite sized nuggets, to treasure.

As a great man once said, “Donald Trump’s pants are definitely not on fire – they are merely warming to the issue.”



Trump’s sulky face as he’s forced to say he hates Nazis.


Gah! I originally wrote this when Trump was keeping his weird face shut over the subject of condemning racists outright. Now he’s been forced into coughing up a meagre response. When I first heard about it I imagined some old-style Edwardian school teacher standing over him with a cane and threatening to give ten lashes if he didn’t put some effort into saying sorry, only for Trump to stick his bottom lip out in a sulk, stare at the floor, and mumble “allracistsarebad”.

Anyway, here’s what I wrote earlier in the day, AND IT STILL STANDS, DAMMIT!!

“This should not a surprise. Considering the support Trump has received from the alt.right since his bid to become Grand Poohbah, he obviously doesn’t want to upset his voting base by calling them a bunch of Nazi loons.

It does beg the question whether Trump himself is a right-wing Nazi loon, which is a more difficult question considering his flip-flopping political leanings over the years. Let’s never forget, this is a man who once supported Hilary Clinton and touted himself as pro-life.

I’m reading a book at the moment called Ready, Player One, which is written in the style of an over-excited nerdy teenager, and I’m trying to figure out whether it’s a work of art for directly emulating The World of Spod, or whether it’s just badly written. You can almost see Trump in the same light. Is he a knowing grandee, playing the alt.right for all it’s worth, or is his loyalty to the right wing cause a reality? A question which often pops into my mind is, if the US suddenly turned left-wing, what are the chances that Trump would ape their ideology to get his tiny hands on their votes?

As one BBC news pundit pointed out, Trump was always quick to condemn Obama every time there was a terrorist attack for not calling the killers ‘terrorists’. Now he’s shrugging off the idea that the attacker was a Nazi, or even condemning the rally itself, thus giving tacit support to the alt.right fanbase which helped to support his White House bid.

To condemn all Trump supporters as goose stepping brown shirts would be injurious to reality, much as it would be slate all Brexiteers as bigots, but the fact is a lot of support came from the sort of people who want to bring back cross burning as a national sport. This is not your peace and love crowd. The sensible option would have been to condemn the Nazis from the highest pulpit, as the mayor of Charlottesville did, and not show the world the colour of your spine with half-hearted rhetoric blaming all sides.

Trump is not man who is worried by reality. He will shape it to fit his own conceptions, and fire anyone who counters his white wash of the facts. In a presidency filled with lies, distortions, obfuscation and downright bullshit, Trump is the arsehole at the top of the heap, spewing his diatribes, unaware of the effect. History will look on him the same way they looked on Nixon. Hagiographies will applaud, and you can bet those hagiographies will be a written by the kind of people who marched for the right in Charlottesville.

It’s another depressing reminder of the state we’re in as a collective humanity, with one half fighting for inclusion and the other half pushing for exclusion, and at the moment, from a global perspective, it looks as though the exclusion side is winning. However, the push back must not waver, because to waver is allow the right wing to win, and historically that’s never left a good aftermath.”


keep calm


If someone had come up to yesterday and said, “Hey! Guess what!? The shittiest arsehole in the world is going to man-love itself all over democracy, then my first answer would be ‘What is Donald Trump up to today?” And you know what? Donald Trump has been fucking shit up again. But not in a Dead Kennedy’s way – more in a Ted Nugent way.

Trump is a festering mound of anal sores. Ted Nugent is another pile of festering anal sores. If they ever got together and did The Love Monkey – which they will do, because they both love meaty bells – there is no science fiction in the world which could imagine what hideous prodigy would emerge from their unholy lust.

To all the Sortitaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaht peeps out there, apologies for being away for 5 days. But now I’m back. Let’s RIP THE SHIT OUT OF RIGHT WING DICKS!!



Laugh! For one day you will all be dead!


In this ever changing world in which we live in, we could give up and start banging our heads against the wall until all the Trumps and Farage’s go away and we start seeing unicorns and pixies dancing in front of our eyes whilst we rub shit into our hair and start yelling at lamp-posts about the Aliens from Clagnut 7 who have come to steal our pubes.

Luckily a ray of sunshine is here to remind us that, hey, life isn’t all grumbles and pains, as we present a series of chucklesome japes and jolly old thigh slappers which are bound to bring a grin to your face (Warning: Grin not guaranteed).

Man A: How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Man B: None. They’re too busy slamming their dicks in the fridge door.

Man A: I say, I say, I say, my Nigel Farage has no nose!
Man B: How does he smell?
Man A: Like the bigoted, intolerant barrel of pig shite we all know he is.

A man walks into a vets with a Donald Trump on a lead. The man says, “Doctor, you have to help me. My Trump is very poor and sickly. Is there anything you can do to help him?” The vet picks up the Donald Trump, gives him a brief once over, and then says, “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to put him down.” The Donald Trump owner is stricken with grief, and asks why, and the vet says, “Look, just trust me on this one. If I don’t sort the bastard out sharpish there’s no telling what the twat will get up too next.”

A UKIP supporter walks into a hospital and says “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.” The doctor takes on look at him, and then says, “Well, you should be deeply ashamed. It’s because of shits like you we’re voting to get out of Europe, and I’m from the facking Ukraine, you dense twat, which means in the future you’ll only have Boris Johnson and Ian Duncan-Smith to pop your haemorrhoids because they’ll be sending anyone foreign back. Do you feel proud, you great knob? Do you? Now FUCK OFF!”

Theresa May walks into a hospital and says, “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!” The doctor takes one look at her and says “Stay there” before reversing a truck over her robot-testicles as punishment for the dismantling of the NHS.

Man A: How many Daily Mail readers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Man B: All Daily Mail readers are cunts.
Man A: Correct.

Man A: Knock, knock.
Man B: Who’s there?
Man A: Richard Desmond.
Man B: Fuck off.

Well, my sides! We’ve all had some jolly japes, and a few swears along the way as well, and we all know The Swears are big and clever because Stephen Fry said it, and if Fry says it then it must be true. After all, he once said dinosaurs were made out of fake, plastic boobs, so it must be true. (Note to Mail, Express and Sun readers – Stephen Fry did not actually say this. As we all know, dinosaurs are actually made out of lactating dicks.)




What goes on in a bigot’s head when they hear the words ‘racial equality’.


Good afternoon, and welcome to me being a total bastard. As the leader for the Society For Being Total Arseholes I feel it is necessary to put our point across to you, the plebs, that just because our notions may be different to the ‘accepted norm’, that does mean we’re full of cak and should be ignored. Yes, some may say we’re sectarian pedants, but have they REALLY tried to understand what having an opinion about everything without understanding a bastard thing is all about?

Well, for a start, you can have great fun playing Devil’s Advocate, simply because you know you’re right about everything. I was having a conversation with a chap in the local pub the other day. I noticed he was reading a book about migrants, and hoping to expound my purposeless ideology and mayhap fish in another victim for my rapier wit, I opined the viewpoint that all migrants could be economic freeloaders and not refugees. He held up a spirited defence, citing sources, reports and testimonies to the contrary, but luckily my sense of self-worth acted as a barrier to logical argument (after all, what ARE ‘facts and figures’ but opinions backed up by evidence) and I roundly refuted him with the oft-toted phrase “Yes, the lefty, tree hugging, kaftan wearing, metropolitan liberal elite newspapers and books YOU read may say they’re not all economic scroungers, but the Daily Shitwank and Sunday Bollockchops, which I read, says different!”

He then muttered something about me being ‘a gimlet-eyed twat’ and wandered off, and thus the argument was won!

See, in this world of the politically ‘right on’ there has to be an alternative voice, and if that alternative voice can push logic aside then all the better! As our Futile God, Nigel Farage, has evidenced – just because the facts are completely wrong and can’t be proven doesn’t mean you can’t talk a load of old cak if you sound convincing enough.

I am also delighted to see a rise in the amount of racist shits available for comment down any pub, club or restaurant, as this can give the opinionated adventurer cause to comment on the concept of political correctness gorn mad. Freedom of expression should be a cherished notion, even if some see that ‘freedom of expression’ as just an excuse to be, as one hippy told me, ‘a total and utter right wing bigoted shit-stain on the claggy, diseased arse biscuit of humanity. Man’. You should be able to sit in a pub with a copy of Mein Kampf, wearing a T-shirt with Hitler on it, and make as many offensively off-colour remarks about race, sexual orientation, immigration, wimmin, foreign-types and any other myriad subject the peace-and-love-and-respect-for-other-people crowd deem as ‘offensive’.

We have grown soft as a nation. I know this because a four year old kicked me in the nuts. AND he was foreign. Which just goes to prove my point.

Both myself and Mrs. Bigot are of the opinion that, to make the country strong again, we should be able to thrust our hot and sweaty tumescent opinions right in the faces of the so called ‘factinista’ crowd. And if the lefty do-gooders want to beat us with shitty sticks until we fuck off back to our spanking torture dungeons where we shove small, household pets up our sphincters because WE LOVE THE PAIN, then that’s their entitlement. However, it shall not act as a barrier to our opinions! NOTHING will stop our opinions, for we are the formless mass of clueless gibbons in this world, and WE SHALL RULE!! FACTS ARE MERELY OPINIONS!! DOWN WITH EVIDENCE!! UNSOURCED JUDGEMENTS SHOULD BE CLASSED AS NEWS!!

Now, to go onto a chatroom and propagate the idea that all foreigners eat babies. I can’t prove it, but you can’t NOT prove it, either!



Some Tory students, yesterday

What’s in a name? Apart from Farty McBottyburp – I think we can all agree what’s in THAT name.

When I were a lad – aye oop, coalmines, whippets an’ t’drippin’ – if you were a Tory you obviously had a piss-load of money and could afford to go to Posh School, where the teachers drove Bugatti’s into the classroom and everyone ate roast paup for dinner. It was seen as a mark of dishonour to be labelled a Conservative around my way, because it meant you had no concept of the reality of life, or struggle. It was the word for anti-progress, for keeping the working person down, and for a walk of life which propagated mutual and financial exclusion. If you were a Tory, you were a bellend – end of.

Now, the reason I’m wibbling on about this shite is because last weekend I was down at the local Rub-a-dub (The Scrotey and Ballbag – best ale in the village) with Mrs Sortitaht Towers, and at our usual table sat a bunch of Tory wankers. How did we know they were wankers, and Tory? Well, a couple of weeks ago we had the unfortunate matter of actually speaking to these anal warts, and had the full blast of their political ideology shat all over our mind-pans as they blathered on like credulous windbags about how Thatch was great, Corbs smelled of goat’s wee, and May was a great automaton built to go on a Pleb-Crushing rampage. But that wasn’t the most shocking part.

The most shocking part is, they were students.

When I was a student back in the days when people ran in fear of the horseless carriage, it meant you stuck on a tie-dye shirt, flicked the V’s at The Man, and worked towards a world where Jello Baifra would be claimed God of Everything. If you were of a Conservative bent you were roundly mocked for being a tool of future industry and didn’t get invited to any parties.

Now everything’s changed. Now the label ‘Tory’ means you’ve got enough money to afford a fucking education in the first bastard place! Being a student means you’ve probably got a shit-load of wealth coming out of your parent’s arseholes, and you’re quite happy to sit in my fucking local bastard pub, and blather senselessly about the merits of the free market economy whilst acting like a total cunt!

And what’s worse is the prevalence, at least amongst the arseholes we were talking too, of the proudness of being small-minded, insular and anti-progressive. This was seen a positive way to be! The last thing these gimps wanted was a society where equality was a factor. I can only gain succour from the idea that these cock monkeys were not indicative of the students of today, and that a small minority of shitty marmites espousing cretinously idiotic views about their own lack of social awareness was not a pointer to the future of further education. And I bet they were all virgins as well!

The surge in support for Corbs shows there is a politics on the campus which doesn’t ascribe to these Victorian rules of serfdom the Tory arse crumpets we spoke to wish to foist onto the public, and I’m well aware there is a ground swell of support on the Universities for an end to austerity politics, but it is interesting to come across the flora and fauna which promote the Tory way; to discover that they are, in fact, deeply unpleasant shit monkeys. My only hope is that these arse clowns are not in the majority, or else we’re all fucked right up the Sewanee for the rest of our natural!



Racist trousers


After the last few months posting blogs about Brexit and Trump and the misery of life, I thought it was high time I cheered everyone up with a lovely, chirpy blog about something silly, like trousers, or people who don’t close the fridge, or the fact that leaving the EU based on an anti-immigrant/closed border ticket seems to have turned a shit-load of people into casual racists.

No, no, must keep it happy. What I mustn’t do is post anything about how, down the local juicer, the use of racial epithets seems to be gaining credence, a factor which never seemed to crop up a few years ago. But since Farage and his gibbering crowd of sock puppets decided to push the patriotic, anti-foreigner agenda, people seem to be a lot more freer with the kind of language Bernard Manning based his career on. It’s suddenly like the gloves are off, and every fucker with a smidgen of racial hatred inside of them, no matter how small, has been given the green light to start flinging these derogatory slang terms around as though, just because they’re surrounded by a bunch of white fucking faces, it gives them carte blanche to be a total cunt!!

Nope. Stop! That’s a topic for another day. Right now, I’m going to stick to the sort of subjects Victoria Wood would squeeze ten minutes out of. Like, the way people with prams block the aisles in supermarkets. Ooh, that’s irritating, isn’t it? Or how about the way people make a sarnie, and then leave, say, the butter out on a hot day, so it melts. Grrr, that’s certainly something all of us may or may not have come across at some point in our lives. Right gets my wotsits in a doo-dah, that does! And what about when you’re having a chat with someone, and they say they’re not racist, ‘but…’ and then you feel the red mist descend upon you, and before you know it you’re standing over a twisted corpse with blood all over your hands, wondering why you’re carrying a meat tenderiser, with the sound of police sirens in the distance! We’ve all been there, right

Dammit!! Off topic once again!! Erm, ripped jeans coming back into fashion. Cor, blimey, what’s that all about then, eh? They pay a few hundred quid and the bastards are already torn up! Ridiculous!

Next week’s harmless topic: Leaving the toilet seat up and genocide.