Archive for the ‘The CC’ Category

It’s now official. The Daily Mail are no longer exclusively obsessed with slagging off migrants, the poor, and the EU and have turned their sights on the biggest threat to humanity since Hitler. Big Ben will no longer bong, and after yesterday’s exclusive front page whinge about ‘health and safety gorn mad’ they’ve managed to extract a promise from a few MPs that never again will they think about the safety of workers by turning the chimes off.

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People, it’s just a big fucking clock, okay? Get a grip.

The Express have gone back to one of their favourite past times as well, which is sucking up to the government with the cheering news for anyone with a house – but crucially not the poor bastards about to buy one – that prices are soaring again, thus making it harder for those renting to stump up for a starter home with shitty walls, bollocks plumbing, and which was slapped together by some bastard housing firm who couldn’t give a donkey’s ringpiece about quality. What cheery news.

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On a side note, it appears Trump has now reverse-ferretted again and claimed it was the anti-racists who were responsible for Bad Things in Charlottesville because his bestie David Duke has thrown a big sulk. Nice to see the tiny handed, fake weave bonced, orange cretin is still keeping up his credibility as a useless, bumbling, reactionary old joke.

 

Just a minor point to mention before we get to the main thrust of the Corner this week. The Express, peddlers of many statin-based articles and crackpot theories, have decided to forget this ‘news’ nonsense once more and concentrate on a story which is as old as my testicles, which were originally unearthed along with the first mammoth bones.

Yes, it’s that old chestnut that a glass of wine or beer in moderation will help you live longer. As I remember, this was first mooted back in the days when tribes of blonde haired people fought wars with tribes of black haired people whilst dinosaurs ruled the earth. Nice one, Richard Desmond – on top of the game as usual!

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Still, NONE of that matters now that Paul Dacre and his hulking mass of drooling sub humanoid servant-creatures – excuse me – journalists, have decided to trot the old spectre of Health and Safety Gorn Mad out from the cupboard. If we’re dealing with old, smelly headlines, then this one is up there with The Express.

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The cause of this panic? They’re turning off Big Ben for 4 years so the poor fuckers working on refurbishing Downing Street don’t go deaf every time the bastard chimes.

Now, wiser minds that the gibbering hell-creatures under Dacre’s tutelage have obviously deemed this to be serious enough to put a halt to the chimes. I’m sure they didn’t go, “You know, as Health and Safety managers for this project we obviously need to boil the shit of any tabloid editors out there with some health and safety bollocks, just so we can get an earful from some arsehole who’s never done a hard day’s graft in his life, so let’s pointlessly put an end to Big Ben’s chimes BECAUSE WE’RE ALL MAD WITH POWER!!!” Having worked in H&S this shit is usually instigated for a reason, and not because Johnny Worker has to wear earmuffs when the big clock goes ‘bong’.

Little known fact: All sharp objects in Paul Dacre’s office have cushions on the end of them in case he bumps into anything.

 

Just a quick one today (ooer, missus, fnarr, etc) as The Daily Arsepress report on Donald Trump being a total nutjiob. Now, as all know Trump is about as sane as a bag full of mad badgers, so that’s not really the point of this column. Reporting on Trump being bonkers mental would be about as revelatory as reporting that Michael Gove was a total cunt, or George Osborne was originally grown in a petri dish. No – the main point of this little article is to draw your attention to the box-in beside the main headline, which reports that ‘Now migrants are hauled out of cars’.

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It may be a refugee. It may be somebody fleeing from terror, torture, war, social or sexual victimisation, or generally something rather unpleasant. It may be somebody fleeing from the harsh social economics of their place of birth. It may be all manner of things, but The Arsepress decide that they hate migrants, because they’re a bunch if bigoted shit puppets, and have gone for the ‘Cor, lumme – look what they’re up too now’ style reportage.

In this reporter’s opinion, there are some people who should not have any access to the means of mass distribution, and Richard Desmond is one of those people. And Paul Dacre. And Rupert Murdoch. And (goes on forever).

Well, life is pretty depressing this morning, with the news that the coppers hired a rapist to trap a sex gang. Yeah, sure, hire a thief to catch a thief, but fucking hell! Is there any wacky, zany madcap news out there which can make life seem a little less bastard well depressing?

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So, The Express are no bloody good, with the reminder that a deranged gimp-clown is in charge of a big pile of nukes and is just waiting to start kicking some foreign bottom (depending on where you live, this could refer to Trump, Kim, or both. Actually, both, come to think of it. They’re short, fat, and bluddy well mad!!)

Richard Desmond’s sewer rag turns out to be no help at all, so maybe we could turn to a paper well known for trivial cak and pointless stories about celebs?

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Nope. The Star has just reminded me of the empty, yawning vacuity of life, and the fact that this kind of relentless cak makes up most of the viewing choices on today’s TV. I mean, why can’t they have anything thought-provoking and intellectual on the teev anymore, like a documentary about a man who can eat his own head, or a fourteen-hour documentary about puppies playing? Or baby-juggling? With a voice-over by Melvyn Bragg to give it some art-house kudos, obviously.

Well, the Financial Bastard Times might have something unrelated to depressing shit, mental global politics, or celebs slapping each other about?

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If you think about it, those words don’t ACTUALLY mean anything. It’s more a random collection of adjectives in search of a subject.

Oh well, back to the usual old depressing cak tomorrow. Gord ‘elp us!

What with the world on the brink of nuclear bonkers-ness due to the insanity of a couple of short, round cretins, The Times give us the sort of headline we’d expect at this juncture.

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We have Trump promising ‘fire and fury’ and now, in latest development (at the time of writing before the world gets turned into ash), we have Jong-un Kim retaliating by saying he’s going to lob a nuke at Guam, so what better news source can we turn too than The Daily Telegraph, as they hit us with up to the minute news that, um, stamp duty is ‘killing house sales’.

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Hey, no worries, we all know the Torygraph has about 2 journos writing for it these days, now the Barclay Brothers are trying to save cash by firing everyone, so maybe they just put the paper to bed before the news broke.

Instead, let’s turn to the Bastard’s Friend, The Daily Mail. They’ve got a ton of chud monkeys on their payroll. Surely those buggers will have snuck in a headline about ‘BONKERS JONG LOBS TRUMP FURY NUKE BALLS!!’ or something?

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Nope. Looks like, despite the looming prospect of mutually assured destruction hanging over the future of civilisation, they’d still rather bang the old bigotry drum and whinge about made-up statistics regarding immigration, such is their want.

Well, with the weight of the national press against the idea of reporting on the end of the world, we can only turn to The Express, with the hope that they’ll OBVIOUSLY come up with the sort of headline which will see Richard Desmond renouncing his knob-end past and receiving the Pulitzer for Best Incisive Headline Into Geo-Global Politics As Seen Through the Eyes of Two Mad Bastards.

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Well, yes, who doesn’t like to hear about the weather, eh?

All in all, only The Guardian, Metro, I, and The Times reported on the latest political developments. The rest just ignored it, because – y’know – it’s only international news.

Keep quiet and carry on. And get that Hazmat out from the closet. With Trump and Kim in charge, there’s no telling what the mad fuckers will get up too next.

 

A couple of good ones this morning, especially from The Scum, who appear to insist that the ghost of Diana has come back from the Great Beyond to curse vengeance upon Charles and Camilla. In actual fact, it’s just a couple of tapes where she’s noted as not being best pleased about her hubby at the time hoying it up Camilla, which is fair enough. The best part of it is the opening line ‘Royal experts say Princess Di has struck from beyond the grave’, which is just fucking mental! By ‘royal experts’ they obviously mean Wanking Phil from behind the skip who seems unusually obsessed with Diana’s corpse.

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And speaking of mental, it’s up to The Arsepress to present one of their ‘not actually news’ news headline this morning, with the shock horror revelation that not being a lazy bastard in your twilight years is probably a good thing. I also find that not smoking 50 fags a day, drinking 8 litres of whisky and mainlining crack is also a good way to beat of Alzheimer’s. And death. I imagine tomorrow’s headline will be ‘Scientists prove not slamming nuts in fridge door will make gonads less painful’.

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And finally, the young are scary – official. We know this become some crusty old, cob-web laden duffer from GCHQ has reminded all the coffin dodgers at The Telegraph that all them young’uns are using The Interweb, which Torygraph readers have no concept of and are thus a-feared of it, and the only way to save the country from rampant armies of zombie-eyed children attacking each other with emojis and spam-knives is to SHUT THE WHOLE THING DOWN!! Or at least restrict whipper-snappers from using it, as it’s destroying their brain and ability to listen to Val Doonican records. It will also ‘save the country’. In what capacity and how is not explained.

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In tomorrow’s headline, why sticking kids up chimneys is good for the economy.

 

After a short break, The Corner IS BACK! Bigger! Brighter! Swearier! With more ‘V’s flicked at newspapers than EVER BEFORE!

Well, in actual fact it’s the same old cak, but from tomorrow The Corner will be swearing about a wider range of topics rather than just the right wing political gonads the main papers knock out. F’rinstance, The Daily Arsepress usually knock out some old todge about nutty health schemes with no scientific basis, so they’ll be getting a kicking. The Mirror recently published some old Diana tosh, so it’s a chucklesome boot to the head for them buggers as well, if they should choose to stir my wrath! FOR I AM THE GOD OF TRUTH, AND ALL SHALL TREMBLE BEFORE MY FURY!! Not that I’m egotistical or anything…

Anyway, only one culprit today, and it’s those old mirth-bastards The Express. In today’s shit-heap it’s back to their favourite subject – hating the EU, and their scurrilous demands that the UK cough up the moolah they borrowed from them in the first place. They’re not just going “Yeah, fack off, Blighty – if you don’t want to play in our footie team anymore you’ll have to stump up some major trousers, know what I mean, you slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaags!” No, this is money owed to them.

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As per usual the normal slate of Tory MPs are up in arms and ready to engage in a bit of jingoistic bollocks, just so they can show Johnny Punter that they should vote for the small-minded arse-cakes next time an election looms. There’s some old horse-shit about senior backbenchers futilely shaking their weakling fists at the machinations of government, but basically it’s a load of old badger’s wang. Just another chance for Desmond to vent his spleen at the idea of being a multicultural society and being stronger through the union of countries which spent a good few years of the last century lobbing bombs at each other rather than negotiating.