Archive for the ‘The CC’ Category

Not a lot to report on today. Not even the Mule can rile themselves up into enough of a bigoted fury to comment on Theresa May’s ruling that EU citizens can stay in the country, despite the best wishes of the most fervent eye rolling Brexiteer to rid the country of all foreign influence (besides which, the royal family would have to go for a start).

It’s left up to The Express to try flogging a dead horse. “Cor, lumme,” I hear you cry. “They’re not STILL banging on about immigrants and the EU, are they? Will they never learn?” But, just for a change, it’s a million mile-an-hour hurricanes the Arsepress is obsessed with now:

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Just to be even more dramatic they call it ‘a weather bomb’. It’s wind, you stupid arses! Much like the sort which comes out of Richard Desmond’s bottom whenever he has an idea.

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Today we have a good example of why the tabloids seem intent on breeding stupidity within their own limited environment. Hark, weary traveller, and let me bastard well explain.

On the one hand we have The Daily Mule, erstwhile right-wing goose-stepping clang hammers*:

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Merely promoting the words of the MI5 chief, I hear you say, which is perfectly fine. Reading the bulk of the actual article shows it’s simple reportage. Yet, lurking underneath the surface, the basic message is “We can’t cope, there are terrorists all over t’web, and let’s go bury our heads under the carpet.” Which may seem like an exaggeration at first, but when you compare it with the rest of the usual Mule output then it’s merely bumping up the rhetoric that there is no safe place to hide, and it’s brown trousers for all unless the big tech giants stamp down on all the terrorism that’s on Simon’s Cat Crunch Time because even The Circus can’t cope!**

On the other hand, we get the Arsepress, erstwhile shit tickets intent on licking the far right’s knackers:

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Basically, BUY MY SNAKE OIL!

Flogging this kind of codswallop has been a perennial favourite of the Muslim hating, immigrant bashing Express journos for yonks. It’s almost like they have to try and justify the idea of all this blind bigotry, so just fling in the odd snake oil headline every now and then (usually about diabetes – fuckers are obsessed by it) to say ‘look, yeah, right, we do news. Now back to the racial ‘atred’).

But, finally, we have a paper that REALLY sums up what the UK tabloids are all about:

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Tits ‘n’ Gossip, with a piccie of a woman in a lingerie just to give the wanking spanners a workout.

Best journalism in the world, obviously…

*’Clang hammer’ – penis.
** Yes, technically ‘The Circus’ was MI6, not MI5, but I’m writing this facker and I can call it whatever I want, dammit!

Where would the tabloids be without weather? Well, probably whinging about something else, but yesterday’s yellow sky and blood red moon was cause for a lot of ‘end of the world’ headlines, of which the most boggle-eyed was The Star:

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Bit more dramatic than ‘natural weather phenomenon causes natural thing to happen’.

The Scum, on the other hand, have decided to crack down on the concept of fun:

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This was probably some sort of publicity drive, because any moron knows the entire police force of Humberside wouldn’t drop everything for a bit of a jolly at the fair, but since The Sun are such a miserable bunch of whining little shitehawks, any chance to have a go a public service makes their trouser-parts tingly.

Best headline of the day has to go to The Torygraph:

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This is the newspaper equivalent of ‘yah, boo, sucks, why can’t we get our way, this is SO unfair’. It’s a teenage strop in the form of a story. It’s a big, sulking girl’s blouse of an article, jutting its lower lip out and saying it wishes it was adopted. No, you miserable dicks, the Tories have probably been denied a majority through democracy. Now, sit in the corner with your hands on your heads until you’ve learnt to understand the parliamentary system.

 

Nice to see The Daily Mail can do a reverse ferret as well as any politician with today’s headline, where we see the notoriously homophobic paper suddenly get all solidarity over the issue of gay rights:

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Hypocritical bastards. That must have been a real bind in the editorial meeting. “Bladdy hell, Dacre, stop eating that kitten for a moment and come over ‘ere. The loony lefty tree hugging kaftan wearing brigade has said that them gays have to declare their sexuality, which would be great for us because we’re total bastards and hate all diversity, and it lets us know who we can vilify because we love being total shits. The only problem is, the fackin’ equal rights brigade are be’ind the whole fackin’ thing!” “Thanks for letting me know, Shifty McWankbiscuit, my erstwhile sub-editor. We’ll completely go against our hate policy for one issue only, just so we can bang on about equal rights, and just how maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad they’re going.” “Righto, ya cant!”

Which is exactly how I imagined it happened.

The Daily Mule comes up with their own, bizarre variation on The Deal which supposedly took place between Blair and Brown to cement Blair’s leadership and Brown’s succession, but this time it involves the Tories, and takes place in a seafood restaurant:

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I have a couple of problems with this headline, which involves Hammond and Osborne getting together to scupper Brexit, and that’s mainly because Brexit is such a monumentally stupid idea in the first place why the fuck would they need ‘a deal’ to screw it over? Just leave it to run its course and Brexit will fuck itself up. We’ve already had a two-year stall on the thing because the negotiations are so mind-wankingly complicated and Tories have trouble with sticklebricks, so there’s no need to get all Machiavellian on its arse, especially when it involves these two knobends. The reality is they were probably scoffing their stupid, fat faces with the most expensive lobster on the menu and laughing about dead paups, and then one went, “Blimey, this Brexit deal is a bit rum, old chap. We’d lose out on lots of luvverly zlotys in international trade. Wouldn’t it be nice if the bally thing didn’t even happen?” seconds before eating a baby.

The Arsepress, as usual, ignore all that shite, and have their finger on the button:

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Yesterday it was 80 mph winds to fuck Britain right up the marmite, and this time it’s 100 mph farts. Tomorrow, expect the headline ‘Billion Squillion MPH Winds To Jostle Old Man’s Toupee and Cause Unlimited Worldwide Disaster!’

On a more serious note, the Grauniad has an interesting perspective on the internal struggles within the Conservative Party regarding Brexit:

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In a way, this reflects The Mail’s story, but without the – ooh, look at the widdle penguins!! Ahhh, look at them!! All fluffy and cute!! Look at his little face! Aw, he’s sooooo cute!!!

So, in a nutshell, sod politics when you’ve got cute, fluffy things in the universe.

Phillip Hammond decides to tell people who stick their fingers in their ears and chant ‘la la la’ that Brexit may not be all the fun and games these fools think it will be, and The Mail decide to quote Niglet Lawson who tells him to stop being so ruddy grumpy and lie about what could happen:

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Interesting concept, this one. A daily (albeit, load of old scrote) newspaper willingly seeking the voices of those who would sell us a bucket of shit disguised as honey and flowers, just to back up their own short-sighted agenda. And it’s not even news, more an opinion piece given front page treatment.

Luckily, the Express are on hand to remind us what real journalism is all about:

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Yep, wind is windy. Nice one, Richard Desmond, you spanner. It reminds me of some of their classic attention grabbers from the Summer, when they predicted that the sun would be hot. The insight and integrity of these journalists are beyond question!

There’s not really a lot to choose from today. The Sun have some old tosh about the CIA drone striking a woman who joined ISIS, but it’s a bit ‘meh’, so instead let’s go for a headline which says everything about the current Brexit negotiations:

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Phillip Hammond has gone toy-pram-ejection related in his sulking and has made up some rubbish about how all flights to the UK will be grounded because Old Man Juncker won’t let him have all the sweets he can cram into his feckless maw. This is about as logical as Trump saying he’ll be reviewing NBC’s licence because they treat him like a cock womble.

These people really do live in a fantasy land where a sniffet of power someone makes them believe they can halt the flow of reality. Tomorrow, Hammond announces he can beat up a 100 bikers and once jumped over the moon.