The Corner – 20/07/2018 – Stay Indoors, Everyone!

Only a couple this morning, and we start off with a tabloid favourite – shitting yourself because it’s like Mad Max out on the streets!

express

The Express have gone with ‘Lawless Britain’ because crime is going up, and I’m completely and utterly convinced that the paper will report that this is because of Tory cuts to the police force, cuts to public services, the farming out of the probation service to private contractors, cuts to youth schemes, cuts to programs to help ex-offenders, and cuts to just about anything else which could aid society as a sop to their grand austerity plan. And I’m completely and utterly sure they won’t blame it on feral youth, the poor, and immigrants, like they always fucking do, the feckless, gleaming helmets.

Speaking of dickheads:

mail

For once it’s not the main headline we’re looking at here, but rather the insert line about ‘the drink sodden EU boss sneering at Britain’. If they replaced that with a picture of Nigel Facking Farage I’m sure the byline would read ‘the good honest criticism of our bulldog breed’ or some other jingoistic shite. Basically, it’s a piece about how the EU Commission President likes to sip the turps, but in their world he’s a maniacal pisshead who’s tearing the heads off nuns and eating the St. George to show his hatred for England.

The Express and The Mail – what happens when you give journalism too many blows to the head.

Advertisements

The Corner – 19/07/2018 – Two Sides Of The Same Coin

It’s interesting to see how the tabs are handling the judgement in the case of Cliff Richard. The police raided his mansion in case he had a dungeon full of kids, and tipped off the Beeb, who shoved a helicopter out and broadcast the raid live. In the end the police found naff all and obviously Cliff got a bit shirty with the police and the Beeb and sued them for a big pile of zlotys, which he won.

The Sun, who usually can’t wait to have a pop at the Beeb, suddenly seem to be on their side:

sun

I wonder if this has anything to do with the whole ‘hacking’ scandal they were involved in, and the possibility that this could step down on the rights of the press to tap phones, search through rubbish and bribe coppers. I don’t believe the Sun give a monkey’s testicle about free speech, especially when it comes to Muslims or the poor, but if it threatens the right of journos to falsely accuse celebs then they’re up in arms.

The Mail go for calling for the heads of the Beeb, as they always do, because they fucking hate the BBC, seeing it as a lefty pit of Corbynistas, despite most of the place being made of up ex-Tories:

mail

They castigate the Beeb for ‘publicly humiliating’ Cliff, which is a bit tricky since his back catalogue of songs points to the idea that he’s already humiliated himself countless times. You seen him dancing? It’s like an animatronic where the gears aren’t working properly.

But for all those touched by insanity out there, you always have The Express to back up your Brexit dreams:

express

Another full page stroke-fest for Boris. These aren’t dreams, Boris, you mop-headed gobshite – they’re nightmares, and since an entire cabinet full of privileged dick bags can’t even rustle up a decent Brexit plan then I think the UK is right up the shitter. Take my advice and drop the whole thing and have a nice cup of tea instead.

The Corner – 18/07/2018 – Back to the Usual Bullshit

Now that Theresa May has finally got her lackeys in order with the backing of a few turncoat Labour MPs, it’s business as usual with the British tabloids, as they pile on the bullshit once more.

The Mail have decided it’s time to wave the Bollocks Banner, stating that Britain has its lowest unemployment since the dawn of time:

Mail

Those with longer memories (basically, old fuckers) will remember a time during the Thatcher regime where all kinds of statistical hoops were jumped through to get the idea across that there weren’t millions unemployed. However, in this case they may be right, as the employment figures may represent all those poor fuckers on zero-hour contracts and pulling in two or three jobs to make ends meet, and yet are still living in poverty. But sod the reality, eh, because ‘Yay! Britain IS working!’

The Express have gone for the other extreme, where the coppers are too lazy to arrest anyone:

express

The story has it that a bloke had his credit card stolen on a night out and CCTV showed clearly who the culprit was. The coppers then failed to arrest the man. However, the coppers say they carried out a full enquiry, and… well, that’s it. Whatever the truth of the matter (and if it’s The Express reporting there’s bound to be all kinds of layers of truth and obfuscation), The Express want you to know that it’s a scary world out there and the filth won’t lift a finger, SO STAY INDOORS AND BE AFRAID!

The Sun have gone for a full-on ‘Ew, trans people are evil and disgusting’ cover today:

Sun

In their world prisons are probably like ‘Porridge’, with lots of slightly dodgy but decent comedy lags getting into merry japes to fight back against the warders. They could have reported about the crowded living conditions and the de-humanisation of the lags or the overstretched screws suffering breakdowns due to the pressure, but no – they’ve gone for the transphobic angle because The Sun is a big pile of wank.

And just to think, they could have been reporting on Trump’s comedy ‘what I meant to say was’ bollocks. Talk about opportunities missed…

The Corner – 13/07/2018 – All Aboard the Arsehole Train

The Sun have found themselves a new hero in Donald Trump. He fits all the criteria for being lauded by the sun:
a) He’s a fucking arsehole.
b) He’s a racist prick
c) He talks a load of shite
It’s like political gods have shat him fully formed into The Scum’s lap.

Anyway, in today’s paper he talks a load of old wank about everything, basically lauding that old racist Boris Johnson and being a xenophobic pile of toss about migrants, so no change there.

sun

The only reason he granted an interview to The Sun is because it’s the only tabloid title he can read without getting a big boy to help him with the long words.

Speaking of insufferable shites:

mail

These are not ‘home truths’, The Mail – these are the ravings of your racist grandpa after he’s had too much sherry; the burblings of an orange dimwit with the IQ level of a wank sock; the cretinous gibberings of a sub-humanoid sewer monkey. So, basically, The Mail’s ideal leader.

The Express decide to just print a picture (or should that be ‘prickture’, guffaw, chortle) of Trump as their readers gets confused by words, and instead go for one of their bog standard pro-Brexit headlines:

express

The Brexiteers in May’s cabinet are obviously bolstered by the fat idiot visiting the UK and talking shite. These fuckers love a dictator, especially if they’ve got the mental capability of a particularly stupid rock. It makes them feel smarter, rather than the barely capable evolutionary throwbacks we all know them to be.

The Corner – 11/07/2018 – Match? What Match?

Blimey! You’d think The England weren’t playing in the first semi-finals they’ve been in since nineteen-something-and-bollocks, such is the furore and worry in the tabloids today about Brexit, kicked off by the resignations of Johnson and Davis.

The Arsepress go full despair with:

express

Boo hoo, you whinging gits. After spending all their waking hours blowing smoke up Brexit’s arse it could be a fact that the most stupid idea since Donald Trump existing gets kicked into the long grass, and so, predictably, The Express go into a massive teenage sulk. Hah! Suck it up, dickheads!

Speaking of which:

mail

It’s not guerrilla war, The Mail, you simpering cretins. A guerrilla war is defined as when a small group of soldiers or militia fight against larger forces, not as a bunch of rich Tory wankers throwing their toys out of the pram because nanny won’t give them ice cream for tea. On the plus side – yay, fuck the Tories!

On another note, The Scum go surreal:

sun

The only explanation I can think for this headline is that the ‘Thump’ relates to Trump ‘Thumping’ the UK in his comments, but it’s still a pretty tenuous link.

Which reminds me – The Star have just gone completely ape-shit bonkers with:

star

That’s right! Mutated killer veg, twenty feet tall and sprouting huge claws and vampire teeth, have been stalking the UK, tearing the heads off old ladies and…. Nope, wait, hang on, it’s actually about veg being cleared from supermarket stores as they may have listeria. Damn! I think my story was much better.

 

The Corner – 10/07/2018 – Let the Circus Begin

As expected the papes are full of Johnson running scared, with The Express trying to find a picture of Boris doing his best to look serious, when the actual effect is one of a confused sheepdog trying to figure out which end of the pen to use to pick his nose:

express

‘The Dream is Over’, quoth the Express, but only if your dreams are really small and twatty and involve fucking the country over for a chance at the top spot, which basically sums up Boris, although I think The Mirror have the right angle:

mirror

Whereas the pro-Brexit are all lamentations and the rending of garments, The Mirror point out what an opportunistic little shite Johnson has always been, and pour scorn on the concept of appointing a barrel of bollocks such as Jeremy Hunt to anything other than a footstool.

The Mail go in the opposite direction, trying to paint Boris as a rebel and going straight for the hyperbole. It’s a ‘day of chaos’ rather than the usual Tory in-fighting which typifies the government, and Boris ‘blasts’ the PM, rather than knocking out a carefully prepared statement designed to up his own standing with the pro-Brexiteers.

mail

The Sun… well, not sure what the fuck they’re doing, but then again, neither do they:

sun

Are they saying all life outside of the football should pause? Are they saying Boris should play for England? Are they saying England’s chances of winning are about as viable as Boris becoming PM? (Mind you, these days that could be a possibility – cue ‘Vertigo’ effect behind humanity).

The Star, on the other hand, have decided to largely ignore the whole government shenanigans and go for the ‘political correctness gorn mad’ route, with the made-up news that wolf whistling may be banned.

star

It looks as though they’re against the idea that sexual harassment is now classified as a hate crime, and since 90% of their journos are classed as sex offenders they obviously take umbrage at this.

The Corner – 06/07/2018 – Ouch! The Biting Wit!

We all know the subject of trade tariffs is much cause for chucklesome mirth and side-splitting comedy, and no one knows this more than The Scum:

sun

‘Yanks for Nothing’. Get it? Because they’re American. It’s like ‘thanks’, but replaced by – well, you get the gist. The main contention here is that the UK could end up in Plop City because of the restrictive EU food regulations which require silly rules like not having a load of toxic shite in your beef and not putting razorblades in your asparagus. The US sees all these ‘let’s not kill off the punters’ rules as barriers to trade rather than as a means of preventing a race of super-mutants evolving through contaminated food products. Mind you, if May goes Full Bastard Brexit all these rules could be hoofed into the long grass and then we can eat whatever unregulated toss the US sell us.

Speaking of which:

express

I’m not sure how fucking over the country and making everyone poorer and more gimlet eyed has anything to do with ‘duty’, but then The Arsepress never really follow a logical train of thought. On the other hand, they are merely parroting Theresa May’s bullshit by waving the patriot banner, which is the equivalent of saying ‘it is your duty to punch yourself in the bollocks for Brexit’ with the idea that it would be equally painful and pointless.