Archive for the ‘The CC’ Category

Couple of doozys for you th.is morning. First of all, let’s see what The Arsepress have to offer:

express

Pretty straight-forward, bog standard headline. EXCEPT – what the fuck is the PM writing exclusively for the Express. That’s like the Pope writing for National Enquirer. It also makes it very clear what kind of arseholes she’s trying to appeal to with this Brexit bullshit. “Hmmm, yes, a bunch of fucking racist cunts read The Express. Rather than The Times or The Graun, I shall write about my Brexit hope for this shit ticket and all the gimlet eyed cock-robins shall exalt me. All hail incredulity!”

Cretin.

And now, ladies the gendermen, the Mail!

mail

This is obvious bullshit, and we all know the right-wing trolls on t’interweb are just as bad, but because The Mule is such a rancid pile of old skiddy pants, it’s somehow front page news that being a massive bucket of shite is a new thing.

Anyway, fuck off Dacre, you incredulous fool. Just take a snapshot of the fuck nuggets posting bollocks on Britain First to get a good idea of how the right think. And I sincerely doubt Corbyn is directly responsible for spreading the hate, so fuck off you skanky bellends (with optional cheesy helmets).

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It’s coming up to Christmas, so what better way to kick off the season proper than a good bit of wanky old Yuman Roights Gorn Mad bullshit from The Mule:

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The fact that the bulk of the story contains the phrase ‘suspected terrorist’ make me ponder in a chin-strokey manner that this story may contain elements of bullshit, and is just another excuse for Paul Dacre and his scurrying sewer mutants to have a go at the concept of ‘human rights’, because if he had his way Dacre would return to a land of kids up chimneys and regular beatings for paups by the coppers.

The Scum, on the other hand, have a stab at that old stalwart of right wing shite, the benefits mum:

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The mum in question actually saved carefully throughout the year to build up enough cash to give her kids a good Chrimbo, but that’s not good enough for The Scum, who claim she ‘confessed’ (i.e., answered questions from the reporter) to ‘blowing £2,000 quid on presents’. It really is the shit wank of all cunty papers, and that definitely IS swearing. The fact that the fuckers have got her to pose for the front page leads me to think they’ve duped a story out of her under false pretences.

Anyway, the weird racism part:

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Are we supposed to hate Australians now?

Someone should tell the geniuses at The Star that the UK is swept with a cold flu epidemic every year, the feckless malcontents.

Hah! Facking genius! The Mail have decided to become the nation’s scolding nanny in their headlines this morning, with this pursed lip, finger wagging shite of a headliner which makes me think Paul Dacre wears horn-rimmed glasses and likes to tut disparagingly at things:

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For the Brexit bastards who have been banging on about sovereignty, they sure don’t fucking like it when some is actually practiced. This headline is so full of tight-arsed shrewishness I can’t even think where to begin when it comes to ripping the piss out it. By the looks of things, Dacre and his homunculus tribe of gibbering fuck-bollocks who write for this toilet paper are going to be on the witch-hunt for the Tory rebels, once more proving that these arseholes hate the idea of democracy, especially when it flicks two fingers up at their far-right agenda.

As far as headlines go, this one fills me with pleasure:

express

And the reason? The quiet desperation in the line ‘thank goodness!’, which makes me realise how scared the right wing papes have been lately over the idea of Labour kicking the Tory’s arse. All of this bluster and bullshit since the whole Brexit debacle has been disguising the fact that they’ve been cakking a big one over the idea of Corbs getting into power.

And we all know polls are not to be trusted, which makes it even better. Dream on, Desmond, you witless cockend – one poll does not an election make.

Chancellor Philip Hammond and Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson had a big girly slap-fight the other day, but luckily Theresa ‘morally defunct’ May stepped in and sorted them all out before there were tears.

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Strange to see The Mail reporting on this, as I thought the bastards would have wanted to keep these endless cabinet splits quiet, seeing as their suck-arses for the Tory bollocks brigade.

Anyways, May managed to squirrel a smaller divorce bill from Juncker than was originally put on the table, and now the Sunday Facking Express have gone all tumescent at the idea that finally they can be openly racist again and have asked for more:

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How much blood do these dickheads want before their evil thirst for virgin flesh is sated? Stupid arseholes.

Speaking of which, SANTA’S A BASTARD!

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Oh, my mistake, it’s a proper news story about slave wages and hours in Amazon. I got confused by this proper news story after ploughing through endless shite day after day

You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Yes, they’ve finally skivvied a deal out of the EU where they only have to pay a smaller amount than the amount we borrowed off the EU. Just so May can slap her tackle (yep, you heard it here first) on the table so all the Brexit champions can yumpty tumpy bollocks bollocks. I wonder how the right wing papes will handle this shower of protectionist shite?!

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You fucking dicks! Utter, cretinous, small-minded, vacuous blithering, gibbering, fallacious swivel eyed dick bollocks!

express

Dicks, dicks, dick! Fucking pointless arse cretins. Recruited from the clagnuts of Satan’s stinky ring, let loose to run riot over a world of shite. Some bonehead knobhead has sunk to the sewers to crow over failure. You BELLENDS!

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Arse bollocks shit wank and cock holes!

Well, there we have it. All the news that’s fit to print. You fucking arseheads. Good job we’ve got the right-wing tabloids to support this skanky shower of bollocks, eh, readers?

Tomorrow’s headlines: What’s wrong with living in a mud hut and eating your own relatives?!

Let’s have a look at a serious newspaper for a change. The Guardian isn’t exactly the cream of the crop as regards journalism – no bloody paper is – but, at least, if you want to read ACTUAL NEWS this fucker has it in spades. It’s got some good journos, some good pundits, and it tends to report on the side of the poor and dispossessed, apart from at the weekends when it and The Observer on Sunday go more middle class and privileged than a bunch of Royals having sex with each other by osmosis, which is how they procreate.

Anyway, here’s the Graun today:

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Simple headline, concentrating on a social matter and bringing light to some poor fucker’s deprivation.

On the more taboidy side of things, the Mirror have a go as well:

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Now, let’s see a right-wing paper handles journalism:

express

Yep. The Express, being the journalistic equivalent of a pair of scabby bollocks, have decided to fume over the whole Brexit bill, because like a lot of twats out there, they assumed the UK wouldn’t have to pay off any debts it may have accumulated over the years, or stump up to any contracts it signed when we joined the EU.

On the other hand, the poor tykes are TRYING to have a go at News, even if their end results resembles a gimpy, wailing howl of bullshit and wank. If we want some proper tabloid cock knobbers, then we turn to The Sun:

sun

Trivial. Bollocks. Empty. And Shite. Perfect tabloid fare. It contains nothing of any interest to anyone who doesn’t get distracted by shiny objects. It is piss.

Now, if the tabloids stuck to this bollocks and piss, it wouldn’t be so bad, but they end up having their go at social issues, but from the side of the fuckers who caused the problem in the first place, and thus end up sounding like recruiting propaganda for the far right.

Stick to the trivia, tabloids! You’ll do less harm!