Biohell by Andy Remic

Posted: December 12, 2017 in Books, Uncategorized

 

Biohell

Grrrr…

 

Biohell by Andy Remic

If I was twelve years old I’d love this book. Lots of big guns and hairy chinned, grizzled space veterans swapping quips while they blow the living shit out of zombies and mutants and bad guys who say evil things and cackle in their underground lair (or underwater lair, in this case). And what’s more, NO BLUDDY WIMMIN TO SPOIL IT! Yeah, that’s right – just lots of blokes being tough.

But I’m not twelve, and this is cak, although readable cak, and it doesn’t try to be anything else. Well, saying that, we do get a few scenes of grizzled war bastards saying things like, “Jesus Christ, I ‘ate killing people,” just to show they take no joy in the endless slaughter. And I lied – there ARE women in it. But the sort of women dreamed up men who don’t quite understand what women are. We get the comic relief of a huge, Russian woman forever trying to get a reluctant main character’s keks off (comedy matriarch cliché). We get a manipulative tax officer who’s a big barrel of sex (sexy librarian cliché) before she turns into a giant mutant zombie creature. And we a steely-eyed warrior woman who majors in kicking arse, but in a sexy way, whilst being sexy (sexy war – ah, you know).

Biohell is the second in the Bastard Squad series (sorry, ‘Combat K’ series), and everything about the book is broad, from the comedy, to the mawkishness (a group of twee kiddiewinks turn up who are meant to be a street gang of toughened hoodlum-urchins – it’s like something Dickins coughed up from his arse), to the violence, which spirals between the descriptive (well done), to the broad (a load of shite), and by broad, I’m talking about the ‘and then they killed loads of zombies in a blood orgy because I can’t be arsed to think up anything more imaginative’.

It sounds like I hated it, but I rather enjoyed its endless stream of awkward manliness, as though it’s a Shandy Rambo down the pub trying to prove he’s hard after a few cheeky Vimtos. And it seems strangely obsessed with arses.

It’s badly written, but then so is Guy N Smith, and he’s a hoot. I you want a bit of no-holds-barred blammo-blammo action with paper-thin characters and some godawful chummy dialogue, then definitely go for this. Otherwise, this is bollocks. But grizzled, manly bollocks that reads Andy McNabb and likes tits.

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Just one today, but it’s a doozy.

Take a quick gander at The Mail’s headline:

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Someone should tell Dacre his rag isn’t exactly a unifying read at the best of times.

 

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Trump is as mad as this mad badger.

 

He’s at it again, the whacky racist. You just can’t stop the man being a total dick to everyone and everything. After micturating over decades worth of back and forth negotiations regarding Jerusalem, Trump has strapped on his massive boots and gone storming into the controversy like the tiny-handed tithead we all know and wish would fuck off forever. He doesn’t do diplomacy, because he can’t spell the bloody thing and wouldn’t want anyone to think he was weak, so he stomps his way through the entire issue, probably because Obama was in favour of a two-state capital for Israel and Palestine, and Trump always gets a stiffy when he manages to flick the V’s at anything Barack was in favour of.

I’ve said it before and it’s worth repeating, but any president who makes Bush Junior look like a towering statesman has to be the biggest, most incompetent president in the history of being president, EVER! Mixed in with the tragedy of him fucking up the whole Jerusalem question we have the comedy of his followers posting fake crowd photos of his Phoenix rally, which were actually taken from a championship parade for a basketball team. Just about everything this fool and his marching zombie army do seems to be riven with bullshit and incompetence! He’s like this massive comedy clown, bumbling his way through his term, like a corpulent Jerry Lewis.

The odds on Trump being impeached have halved since the whole ‘Russians? What Russians?’ debacle. He’s acting like a trapped idiot, much as Nixon did when the shadows were closing in on him. He’s been accused of having lost his marbles, which is pretty convincing when you consider his tenancy in the White House and his general actions and inability to engage with reality, and if the sword of Damocles does fall on the fucker’s head you just know the sad twat will claim insanity as his get-out clause.

When he’s allegedly posting tweets impeaching himself, and then his attorney has to step in and say he actually sent the tweets via his social media director, Dan Scovino, you have to wonder what the levels of incompetency are in the whole Trump/Republican machine. Considering the disrepute he’s brought to the GOP, you’d have surmised they’d have ganged up and fired his arse by now. Considering his popularity is at all time low (around 37% average at the time of writing) you’d think he poor bastards would realise they had nothing to lose.

Still, despite all the bullshit, idiocy, incompetence and general twattery looming around his tenure so far, it’s sobering to remind ourselves that at least the fucker hasn’t started any wars. Yet. Although by dangling his tackle in front of North Korea and asking Kim Jong-Un to take a swipe his man-parts, we’re getting very close.

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Capital in the Twenty First Century by Thomas Piketty

Data. Capital is over-flowing with the bastard. If you love data, spreadsheets, and lots of graphs, then this is the book for you. And there’s some stuff about economics as well.

The problem with a lot of books studying the economy, and better yet how to fix failing economic systems, is their paucity if data. For instance, Karl Marx based his manifesto after visiting one factory, and didn’t bother spreading his net wider for more facts to back up his ideology. Milton Friedman cherry picked his figures to present the idea of a capitalist democracy which favoured the rich to supplement the poor through spreading their wealth altruistically (which we all know never happened). Data, argues Piketty, should be the start and end of your argument, and what’s more, you should gather as much of the bastard as you possibly can.

Which he does. Lots of it. And one of the concerns he mentions, especially in regards judging the history of economics over the last few hundred years, is that there’s bugger all data out there to work on half the time, especially when it comes to the super-rich hiding all their cash in off-shore accounts, free from any scrutiny from the tax-man. Therefore – little data to work from and therefore, not enough data to make any real judgements about economic future plans.

However, Piketty does what he can with the information available, makes a few sweeping gestures where he lacks the data, gets into the nitty-gritty financially where he does have the data, and comes to the conclusion that the rich should cough up the moolah they owe (that’s individuals as well as corporations) because the sods would have enough left to live a life of luxury when taxed at a reasonable rate. It shouldn’t be the poor buggers on the lower rung getting battered into a financial grave whilst Lord Toffington and his company, Paup-Crusher, get away with nudging their huge, great wadges of moolah under the carpet when the taxman comes knocking.

It takes about 700 pages to prove this conclusion, and he does this through meticulous research, and that’s why Capital kicks arse. All his arguments are backed up with facts, unlike your ‘trickle-down economics’ arseholes, which base their arguments on greed.

Highly recommended.

 

Chancellor Philip Hammond and Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson had a big girly slap-fight the other day, but luckily Theresa ‘morally defunct’ May stepped in and sorted them all out before there were tears.

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Strange to see The Mail reporting on this, as I thought the bastards would have wanted to keep these endless cabinet splits quiet, seeing as their suck-arses for the Tory bollocks brigade.

Anyways, May managed to squirrel a smaller divorce bill from Juncker than was originally put on the table, and now the Sunday Facking Express have gone all tumescent at the idea that finally they can be openly racist again and have asked for more:

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How much blood do these dickheads want before their evil thirst for virgin flesh is sated? Stupid arseholes.

Speaking of which, SANTA’S A BASTARD!

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Oh, my mistake, it’s a proper news story about slave wages and hours in Amazon. I got confused by this proper news story after ploughing through endless shite day after day

You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Yes, they’ve finally skivvied a deal out of the EU where they only have to pay a smaller amount than the amount we borrowed off the EU. Just so May can slap her tackle (yep, you heard it here first) on the table so all the Brexit champions can yumpty tumpy bollocks bollocks. I wonder how the right wing papes will handle this shower of protectionist shite?!

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You fucking dicks! Utter, cretinous, small-minded, vacuous blithering, gibbering, fallacious swivel eyed dick bollocks!

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Dicks, dicks, dick! Fucking pointless arse cretins. Recruited from the clagnuts of Satan’s stinky ring, let loose to run riot over a world of shite. Some bonehead knobhead has sunk to the sewers to crow over failure. You BELLENDS!

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Arse bollocks shit wank and cock holes!

Well, there we have it. All the news that’s fit to print. You fucking arseheads. Good job we’ve got the right-wing tabloids to support this skanky shower of bollocks, eh, readers?

Tomorrow’s headlines: What’s wrong with living in a mud hut and eating your own relatives?!

Let’s have a look at a serious newspaper for a change. The Guardian isn’t exactly the cream of the crop as regards journalism – no bloody paper is – but, at least, if you want to read ACTUAL NEWS this fucker has it in spades. It’s got some good journos, some good pundits, and it tends to report on the side of the poor and dispossessed, apart from at the weekends when it and The Observer on Sunday go more middle class and privileged than a bunch of Royals having sex with each other by osmosis, which is how they procreate.

Anyway, here’s the Graun today:

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Simple headline, concentrating on a social matter and bringing light to some poor fucker’s deprivation.

On the more taboidy side of things, the Mirror have a go as well:

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Now, let’s see a right-wing paper handles journalism:

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Yep. The Express, being the journalistic equivalent of a pair of scabby bollocks, have decided to fume over the whole Brexit bill, because like a lot of twats out there, they assumed the UK wouldn’t have to pay off any debts it may have accumulated over the years, or stump up to any contracts it signed when we joined the EU.

On the other hand, the poor tykes are TRYING to have a go at News, even if their end results resembles a gimpy, wailing howl of bullshit and wank. If we want some proper tabloid cock knobbers, then we turn to The Sun:

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Trivial. Bollocks. Empty. And Shite. Perfect tabloid fare. It contains nothing of any interest to anyone who doesn’t get distracted by shiny objects. It is piss.

Now, if the tabloids stuck to this bollocks and piss, it wouldn’t be so bad, but they end up having their go at social issues, but from the side of the fuckers who caused the problem in the first place, and thus end up sounding like recruiting propaganda for the far right.

Stick to the trivia, tabloids! You’ll do less harm!